Teenagers.

[favoured_Grace]

Hi y'all.
I would like some advice on a certain family issue.

In January, my mother had a huge fight with my sister (17) about her attitude. In my opinion, both parties were wrong and I did my best to stay neutral.

However, I recently discovered that my sister has been harbouring a lot of unforgiveness about some things my mother said. And her response has been passive-aggresive behaviour and a defiant attitude.

On top of that, she's been talking to our younger ones (13 and 14) about "how our mom treats her". She says she's just venting but they've ALSO begun mirroring her behaviour.

And the more my mom scolds them, the more they react the same way. In all honesty, my mom HAS done and said some hurtful things in the past but whose mom hasn't? I think what makes me really upset is the fact that our mom has gone through a lot because our dad was abusive. But she never abandoned us. And even now, with five kids, she's constantly trying to provide for us. In short, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I'm not saying i expect them to not be mad at her every once in a while but considering everything we've been through and are still going through together, i expect quick forgiveness and a certain level of maturity when it comes to letting things go and overlooking trespasses.

I've considered talking to them, but my sister (17) is CONSTANTLY defensive which just makes me even angrier. And even if I did talk to the younger children, how do I know my sister won't keep talking to them about such things?

Plus, i wouldn't even know where to start from or what to say.

On the other hand a part of me wants to ignore them - to not let their actions upset me because teenagers can be difficult. But I'm afraid that my family runs the risk of being more divided than we already are. Like i said, I don't know what to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Magenta]

Your mom needs to nip this undermining of her authority by your sister in the bud before
it blossoms into full blown rebellion by your younger siblings. You do not say where you
are in the age line-up. Is the 17 year-old the eldest? What about child number five?

 

[BillyBob]

Hi y'all.
I would like some advice on a certain family issue.

In January, my mother had a huge fight with my sister (17) about her attitude. In my opinion, both parties were wrong and I did my best to stay neutral.

However, I recently discovered that my sister has been harbouring a lot of unforgiveness about some things my mother said. And her response has been passive-aggresive behaviour and a defiant attitude.

On top of that, she's been talking to our younger ones (13 and 14) about "how our mom treats her". She says she's just venting but they've ALSO begun mirroring her behaviour.

And the more my mom scolds them, the more they react the same way. In all honesty, my mom HAS done and said some hurtful things in the past but whose mom hasn't? I think what makes me really upset is the fact that our mom has gone through a lot because our dad was abusive. But she never abandoned us. And even now, with five kids, she's constantly trying to provide for us. In short, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I'm not saying i expect them to not be mad at her every once in a while but considering everything we've been through and are still going through together, i expect quick forgiveness and a certain level of maturity when it comes to letting things go and overlooking trespasses.

I've considered talking to them, but my sister (17) is CONSTANTLY defensive which just makes me even angrier. And even if I did talk to the younger children, how do I know my sister won't keep talking to them about such things?

Plus, i wouldn't even know where to start from or what to say.

On the other hand a part of me wants to ignore them - to not let their actions upset me because teenagers can be difficult. But I'm afraid that my family runs the risk of being more divided than we already are. Like i said, I don't know what to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Favoured_Grace
I'm not sure that you have provided enough information to allow anyone to offer a suggestion which might help.
I assume that you are a Christian because you have posted your problem on a Christian website.

• Please provide more info about where you stand with Christ and for how long.
• It might also benefit everyone to know your age in respect to your sisters.
• Are you older, younger, in the middle. ?
• Do they ever come to you for advice, etc?
• Do you go to church on a regular basis?
• How well do you know your pastor?

I just think that anyone here would need to know more before considering what advice to offer.

 

[BillyBob]

Your mom needs to nip this undermining of her authority by your sister in the bud before
it blossoms into full blown rebellion by your younger siblings. You do not say where you
are in the age line-up. Is the 17 year-old the eldest? What about child number five?

I agree! But it seems that favoured_grace need to give a lot more info on family as well as everyone's relationship to God.

 

[Gideon300]

Hi y'all.
I would like some advice on a certain family issue.

In January, my mother had a huge fight with my sister (17) about her attitude. In my opinion, both parties were wrong and I did my best to stay neutral.

However, I recently discovered that my sister has been harbouring a lot of unforgiveness about some things my mother said. And her response has been passive-aggresive behaviour and a defiant attitude.

On top of that, she's been talking to our younger ones (13 and 14) about "how our mom treats her". She says she's just venting but they've ALSO begun mirroring her behaviour.

And the more my mom scolds them, the more they react the same way. In all honesty, my mom HAS done and said some hurtful things in the past but whose mom hasn't? I think what makes me really upset is the fact that our mom has gone through a lot because our dad was abusive. But she never abandoned us. And even now, with five kids, she's constantly trying to provide for us. In short, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I'm not saying i expect them to not be mad at her every once in a while but considering everything we've been through and are still going through together, i expect quick forgiveness and a certain level of maturity when it comes to letting things go and overlooking trespasses.

I've considered talking to them, but my sister (17) is CONSTANTLY defensive which just makes me even angrier. And even if I did talk to the younger children, how do I know my sister won't keep talking to them about such things?

Plus, i wouldn't even know where to start from or what to say.

On the other hand a part of me wants to ignore them - to not let their actions upset me because teenagers can be difficult. But I'm afraid that my family runs the risk of being more divided than we already are. Like i said, I don't know what to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

The teenage years are notoriously difficult for most families. Does the 17 yo make any claim to be a Christian? If she does, she needs to be told that her attitude is ungodly and she needs to repent. If not, she needs to be reminded of what her mother has done for her and still does. Only the truth will help.

Is there another adult that she respects, preferably a woman? It may help to get outside help.

My stepdaughter was abusive to her mother and nice as pie to me. She played me off against her mother. Eventually, she agreed to leave home and stay with a relative. Years later, she told me that her relative was much stricter than either me or her mother.

Parents do the best that they can. For a child, that is rarely good enough. They will realise this later in life.

 

[favoured_Grace]

Your mom needs to nip this undermining of her authority by your sister in the bud before
it blossoms into full blown rebellion by your younger siblings. You do not say where you
are in the age line-up. Is the 17 year-old the eldest? What about child number five?

Your mom needs to nip this undermining of her authority by your sister in the bud before
it blossoms into full blown rebellion by your younger siblings. You do not say where you
are in the age line-up. Is the 17 year-old the eldest? What about child number five?

I have an older brother that's 22. I'm 19. My sister is 17, my younger brother is 14 and our youngest sister is 13.

So I'm the second eldest child. But I'm the eldest girl.

 

[favoured_Grace]

Favoured_Grace
I'm not sure that you have provided enough information to allow anyone to offer a suggestion which might help.
I assume that you are a Christian because you have posted your problem on a Christian website.

• Please provide more info about where you stand with Christ and for how long.
• It might also benefit everyone to know your age in respect to your sisters.
• Are you older, younger, in the middle. ?
• Do they ever come to you for advice, etc?
• Do you go to church on a regular basis?
• How well do you know your pastor?

I just think that anyone here would need to know more before considering what advice to offer.

• We grew up in a Christian home but I recently made a decision to really get to know God on my own and invest myself in a relationship with him. But this is the first time I'm seeking a Christian perspective on a family issue.

• I have an older brother that's 22. I'm 19. My sister is 17, my younger brother is 14 and our youngest sister is 13. So I'm the second eldest child but the eldest girl.

• My sister (the 17 year old) USED to come to me for advice. it was mostly about our mom and I always tried to reply with my own experiences and how I dealt with challenges in our mother-daughter relationship. Our youngest siblings don't come to me for advice. I don't if that's because they used to have a care-free attitude or they don't see me as someone they can confide in.

• Not really. Although it's for various reasons. Up until 2022, my dad never let us attend church with our mom and he wasn't going to church. Since then, We physically attend once in a while (due to the distance) and when we can't, we attend online.

• As for the pastor, he's just that- a pastor. I've never spoken to him one-on-one : I just listen to him preach.

Also, I really appreciate all your contributions. God bless you all❤

 

[favoured_Grace]

The teenage years are notoriously difficult for most families. Does the 17 yo make any claim to be a Christian? If she does, she needs to be told that her attitude is ungodly and she needs to repent. If not, she needs to be reminded of what her mother has done for her and still does. Only the truth will help.

Is there another adult that she respects, preferably a woman? It may help to get outside help.

My stepdaughter was abusive to her mother and nice as pie to me. She played me off against her mother. Eventually, she agreed to leave home and stay with a relative. Years later, she told me that her relative was much stricter than either me or her mother.

Parents do the best that they can. For a child, that is rarely good enough. They will realise this later in life.

Yes she claims to be a Christian. But like I said, she is EXTREMELY defensive and rarely sees things from any perspective but her own. But I want to give this my best so I'll pray then talk to her.

About the adult. I think I know a few people who might be able to help, so thank you.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Yes she claims to be a Christian. But like I said, she is EXTREMELY defensive and rarely sees things from any perspective but her own. But I want to give this my best so I'll pray then talk to her.

About the adult. I think I know a few people who might be able to help, so thank you.

I'm assuming your father isn't around anymore? Sometimes what happens in these circumstances is a child can resent the mother for the father not being there, even if they know there's a good reason he's not. This can be especially true if he's completely out of the picture.
If he was abusive she won't feel free to express her feelings towards him so she redirects them towards her mother.
Of course this is just one possible reason, it may be something else entirely, but it's worth looking into.

Have you tried sitting and listening to her rather than always trying to correct her? Talk with her more in depth about what's bothering her and why she's acting the way she is. I say in depth because the reasons people give aren't always the real core of the problem.
But if all you do is correct her she'll never open up to you. She may just need someone to listen to her. Maybe some reassurances. Positive interactions. Not saying that you support her behavior, but maybe if she felt understood and not always going at her. Often angry people are hurting people.