I've got plenty, but I guess I'll list what I feel brave enough to say without having some sort of mental breakdown.
I've been withdrawing from "friends" (thought were friends at the time and still avoiding some people I talk/ed to now) and I feel like they're in a sense getting in the way for me to even be withdrawn but at the same time I know that it's really me because I made the choice to just ignore them with no explanation and I felt that it was something I just needed to be... alone. Realizing even after episodes of this that I shouldn't have done it, I deserve when people are not willing to contact back after so many months and even in some cases they try for months to contact me and I just turn a cold shoulder at them. I feel like I need people and realize this after the whole incident is done but when people try to get close with me I feel like I'm at constant threat because what I think the root cause of it was when I actually put my full trust in people that later on I figured out they were liars and backstabbers and one that definitely flipped what little social life I had over through manipulation that even brought my family into it. My recent case being this guy that we started talking again over a month ago and it's kind of been bumpy ever since (like it's always been) to the point where I feel like I'm too distant and he'd say about it in a different way even though deeply I knew he referred to me on the situation and then I would want to be closer and try to give some sort of remorse and feelings but then everything goes hectic again. Right now after doing something that probably had him get the idea that I was starting to avoid again (which I will admit I did because I thought we were done), I'm just being the bait and trying to see if he can talk to me again... Which if he does or doesn't, I think now that we should just stop talking all together for the sake of me not doing this since I don't really know what extent it affects people, but I know it's never good because I've dealt with it too. I notice from this that it's not necessarily the other person even though they do/say something that makes me feel threatened, I'm just scared to actually commit when it comes to some sort of mutual friendship or whatever. My social life for a few years other than these cases has been nothing and I'm too awkward to even be around with because I know I screw up at some point during it. Anxiety pretty much has taken over my life and I feel as though it's a bit of a lost cause. Everyone else moves on but here I am, taking a step forward then two steps back.
