On October 3rd 2026 as I laid down to go to sleep. My mind wandered to death and the beyond. I know I have not lived a good life and I am ashamed of it. This brought on an overwhelming sense of dread and fear. So having no one else to turn to I searched Google is there any sin God could not forgive?
The search engine result was this. In Christian theology, the only sin described as unforgivable is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which is defined as the persistent, hardened rejection of God’s forgiveness and the refusal to repent. This is not a single action like murder or blasphemy in speech, but a final state of impenitence where a person deliberately attributes the Holy Spirit's work to evil and dies without accepting Christ. I doubled checked with some other websites and talked to random help lines on the phone and they confirmed it.
This shook me to my core. This means the crime I did that I could not forgive myself for did not have God turn his back on me, but I instead turned my back on Him.
For the last 20 or so years I have been living in self exile and indulgence. I lost contact with loved ones and people I cared about, not reaching out to them using the excuse that if they wanted to talk to me they would of reached out, I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself that even reading the Bible makes me sad. How could I do this to myself and God?
Since then I have lived a life of sin and self indulgence. Playing video games, excess alcohol consumption, THC vaping, porn, blasphemous words and behavior, the list goes on. I have repented fully to God and have started down his path.
For the first time in my life I am choosing to follow God, not because I have to, not because I need to, because I want to. I am full of doubt, full of sadness and despair, and no direction to go, but His will shall be done whether I like it or not. I give up on life, not in suicidal way, but in a intent way, what he desires it shall be.
Without the drugs and alcohol to numb me and without tv shows. movies, and video games to escape reality in, I see how lonely and empty this life is. I am almost 40 with no true friends, no pets, no support group and a sister I have kept at a distance. The depression that has hit me the last few days is not something that I was prepared for. I cried to sleep at night, asking God for strength and forgiveness. My appetite left me and I have been sleeping 12 hour nights.
During this time another thought crept into my mind. How could I believe in God when I don't truly believe. I believe in other galaxies although I've never seen them, i believe in radiation though I never experienced it myself, these are things I was taught and grew up accepting are real to me. So why do I not truly believe in God? How could you worship something you don't believe in but want to?
This combined with the realization of how bleak my life was has been a terrible time. All I could do was ask an AI chat box. Some help but not a lot, so yesterday for the first time I went into a church to talk to a Priest. Now my knowledge or information from the bible is a little from when i was a teen to movies and tv shows, i don't know a single scripture by heart yet, I know Jesus dies on the cross, Mary a virgin was his mother, i know maybe 4-5 of the ten commandments, so I am really coming in at this wide eyed and unopinionated expect for my life experiences.
When I entered the church no one was in their, I felt an unease at the open space, the silence, the stained glassed windows and images of Christ. I do not know if I have ever been in a Catholic church when I was a kid but this was something, both humbling and scary. I did not touch anything. Not the holy water or a candle, no idea what I am doing. So i stepped and called the church around 4 times trying different extensions till someone answered. the priest was on his way in a few minutes, just hold on he said.
When the priest arrived I was sitting in the front pew area. He came in and when I tried to stand he gestured me firmly to wait, bowed at the cross, approached me with an outstretched hand, and asked my name. After I introduced myself he asked what I was here for. I told him the truth, that I repented, I want to serve God, but I don't believe in Him and I don't know what to do. He said the fact I was there means I have to have some faith, that I should I believe in God. When I asked what should I do? He said keep showing up. That's all. then he gave me a brochure and sent me on my way. Also asked me not to steal his books on the way out, actually he said "We have these here for visitors, preferred if they stay since others use it" then when he came back he reminded me of that. So I'm taking that means leave my books in church, not requesting. Wasn't going to but ok.
When I got home I wanted to see what was with all that. Like I said I'm new to this., So I asked AI about the stay gesture and bowing at the cross and the blunt response. I felt this was rude but like I said I am new to this. copy and pasting here,
he bowed toward the Altar or Crucifix as a sign of respect for Jesus Christ and the sacred space before taking care of anything else.
OK. Now I know. How about the bluntness? I really could of some compassion. The AI response was
That simple phrase—"All you can do with your doubt is show up"—is a deeply Catholic, deeply practical response to a struggle almost every believer faces.
While it might sound blunt or brief at first, it contains a profound theology about faith, action, and doubt. Here is what that priest was likely trying to communicate to you:
Catholic theology, however, views faith primarily as a choice. When certainty drops to zero and emotional warmth disappears, physical presence becomes the ultimate expression of faith. Showing up at Mass, kneeling in prayer, or making time for God when you feel absolutely nothing (or even feel skeptical) is a deliberate act of loyalty. It says, "I don't feel it right now, but I am choosing to be here anyway."
By telling you to "show up," the priest was effectively giving you permission to have doubts while giving you a clear, manageable action step. He isn't asking you to fake certainty or force your mind to agree; he is just asking you to bring your doubt into the room with you.
So in conclusion it took till today for me to accept my empty life and accept I have doubt that God is real, but that is fine. I just need to show up and take it one day at a time. It is terrible feeling but it is my reality. I shall post and communicate here while at work, go to church 8 am every morning and God will take the rest.
I hope this helps someone. God Bless You All.
The search engine result was this. In Christian theology, the only sin described as unforgivable is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which is defined as the persistent, hardened rejection of God’s forgiveness and the refusal to repent. This is not a single action like murder or blasphemy in speech, but a final state of impenitence where a person deliberately attributes the Holy Spirit's work to evil and dies without accepting Christ. I doubled checked with some other websites and talked to random help lines on the phone and they confirmed it.
This shook me to my core. This means the crime I did that I could not forgive myself for did not have God turn his back on me, but I instead turned my back on Him.
For the last 20 or so years I have been living in self exile and indulgence. I lost contact with loved ones and people I cared about, not reaching out to them using the excuse that if they wanted to talk to me they would of reached out, I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself that even reading the Bible makes me sad. How could I do this to myself and God?
Since then I have lived a life of sin and self indulgence. Playing video games, excess alcohol consumption, THC vaping, porn, blasphemous words and behavior, the list goes on. I have repented fully to God and have started down his path.
For the first time in my life I am choosing to follow God, not because I have to, not because I need to, because I want to. I am full of doubt, full of sadness and despair, and no direction to go, but His will shall be done whether I like it or not. I give up on life, not in suicidal way, but in a intent way, what he desires it shall be.
Without the drugs and alcohol to numb me and without tv shows. movies, and video games to escape reality in, I see how lonely and empty this life is. I am almost 40 with no true friends, no pets, no support group and a sister I have kept at a distance. The depression that has hit me the last few days is not something that I was prepared for. I cried to sleep at night, asking God for strength and forgiveness. My appetite left me and I have been sleeping 12 hour nights.
During this time another thought crept into my mind. How could I believe in God when I don't truly believe. I believe in other galaxies although I've never seen them, i believe in radiation though I never experienced it myself, these are things I was taught and grew up accepting are real to me. So why do I not truly believe in God? How could you worship something you don't believe in but want to?
This combined with the realization of how bleak my life was has been a terrible time. All I could do was ask an AI chat box. Some help but not a lot, so yesterday for the first time I went into a church to talk to a Priest. Now my knowledge or information from the bible is a little from when i was a teen to movies and tv shows, i don't know a single scripture by heart yet, I know Jesus dies on the cross, Mary a virgin was his mother, i know maybe 4-5 of the ten commandments, so I am really coming in at this wide eyed and unopinionated expect for my life experiences.
When I entered the church no one was in their, I felt an unease at the open space, the silence, the stained glassed windows and images of Christ. I do not know if I have ever been in a Catholic church when I was a kid but this was something, both humbling and scary. I did not touch anything. Not the holy water or a candle, no idea what I am doing. So i stepped and called the church around 4 times trying different extensions till someone answered. the priest was on his way in a few minutes, just hold on he said.
When the priest arrived I was sitting in the front pew area. He came in and when I tried to stand he gestured me firmly to wait, bowed at the cross, approached me with an outstretched hand, and asked my name. After I introduced myself he asked what I was here for. I told him the truth, that I repented, I want to serve God, but I don't believe in Him and I don't know what to do. He said the fact I was there means I have to have some faith, that I should I believe in God. When I asked what should I do? He said keep showing up. That's all. then he gave me a brochure and sent me on my way. Also asked me not to steal his books on the way out, actually he said "We have these here for visitors, preferred if they stay since others use it" then when he came back he reminded me of that. So I'm taking that means leave my books in church, not requesting. Wasn't going to but ok.
When I got home I wanted to see what was with all that. Like I said I'm new to this., So I asked AI about the stay gesture and bowing at the cross and the blunt response. I felt this was rude but like I said I am new to this. copy and pasting here,
he bowed toward the Altar or Crucifix as a sign of respect for Jesus Christ and the sacred space before taking care of anything else.
OK. Now I know. How about the bluntness? I really could of some compassion. The AI response was
That simple phrase—"All you can do with your doubt is show up"—is a deeply Catholic, deeply practical response to a struggle almost every believer faces.
While it might sound blunt or brief at first, it contains a profound theology about faith, action, and doubt. Here is what that priest was likely trying to communicate to you:
1. Faith Is an Act of the Will, Not a Feeling
In modern culture, we often treat faith as a feeling—feeling peaceful, feeling certain, or feeling emotionally connected to God.Catholic theology, however, views faith primarily as a choice. When certainty drops to zero and emotional warmth disappears, physical presence becomes the ultimate expression of faith. Showing up at Mass, kneeling in prayer, or making time for God when you feel absolutely nothing (or even feel skeptical) is a deliberate act of loyalty. It says, "I don't feel it right now, but I am choosing to be here anyway."
By telling you to "show up," the priest was effectively giving you permission to have doubts while giving you a clear, manageable action step. He isn't asking you to fake certainty or force your mind to agree; he is just asking you to bring your doubt into the room with you.
So in conclusion it took till today for me to accept my empty life and accept I have doubt that God is real, but that is fine. I just need to show up and take it one day at a time. It is terrible feeling but it is my reality. I shall post and communicate here while at work, go to church 8 am every morning and God will take the rest.
I hope this helps someone. God Bless You All.