The Friend-In-Need Forum

[Esanta]

I propose a semi-private forum where users in turmoil can anonymously target specific individuals to ask for understanding and friendly unbiased help. These individuals who give the advice should be chosen by the moderators and should be members of the forum with a track record of being exceptionally patient, kind, understanding, non-judgemental, empathetic, with good temperaments, particularly towards those with suicidal thoughts.

It should be stated that this forum, for legal purposes, is not a professional body but is simply a communicative forum to facilitate friendship and that Christian Chat takes no legal responsibility for the choices of the questioner nor the helper.

I would advise that this forum be only open to view by the targeted 'helper' and the asker of the questions, so as to allow for privacy of communication.

I would also advise this forum be as much geared toward practical every-day coping mechanisms, motivation, understanding, and most importantly empathy, rather than a specific doctrinal 'push'. For instance for a person coming to ask for help getting past sexual issues, it would be practical to give such a person advice on coping strategies and how to effectively manage the sexual issue towards the goal of dispelling it entirely. It would not be practical to have an outsider come on such forum and interrupt the conversation with a condemnation.

Insofar as the advice given, it should ideally have no inflections of particular denominational or religious proselytizing but should rather make full use of the human empathy and relay kind instructing words well tailored to the individual who comes seeking help.

It should be a 'friend to understand'.

 

[Esanta]

If this idea is taken up, I have some suggestions for choosing helpers, and for what helpers should promote.

Underlying the methods by which helpers give out consolation and simple understanding, should be five particular values:

Value 1: The Value of Non-Judgement - a helper should not burden any asker with judgement, which leads to guilt. The helper should want to motivate the individual to change. This motivation is the ultimate goal of the helper. A helper should not corner the individual into doing the things they need to do out of guilt. It should be clear in the helper's mind that guilt-tripping someone into change is not as likely to have a favourable, long-lasting outcome as understanding that person's problem and motivating them into genuinely wanting to make a positive change for the positive effects it will have.

2. The Value of Empathy, Not Sympathy - a classic example of sympathy is 'I'm terribly sorry what you're going through'. It is to feel 'sorry' for the individual but show no real understanding or emotional connection with that individual or their circumstances. Sympathy is best seen in objective statements. 'Yes I see lots of people have that problem, it must be difficult'. It misses the true mark of connecting with another individual. Empathy, on the other hand is actively considering another person like yourself. Empathy is really putting yourself in an individual's shoes and imagining what it would be like to be in their situation. It is feeling their feelings, in a subjective manner, not simply objectively recognizing that an issue exists and that it must be difficult for the individual. Empathy is the difference between a good helper and a mediocre helper. And helpers should actively be conscious of whether they are empathizing, or just sympathizing. One is extremely powerful in having an emotional connection and making a person feel understood, while the other can come across as demeaning or shallow. The first step in establishing a basis for help is to validate that an individual's problem is in fact a problem. If a helper can't understand why it's a problem, they aren't suitable as helpers. This is the most important criteria for choosing helpers.

3. The Value of Non-Assumption - a helper should never assume something about a reader just because of the content of their post, and worse, a helper should not make judgements based on those assumptions. For instance, if a person comes on to find help, explaining that they've had three sexual partners in the last month, a helper should not assume that person is a long term sex addict. The helper should also not assume that this person does not believe in God. The helper should most definitely not label the individual asking for help as anything. Diagnoses are for doctors.

4. The Value of Right-Humour - a helper should never make a joke at an individual's expense, nor at the expense of an individual's loved one or friend, nor at the expense of the behaviour of any of these individuals. Such a joke can create animosity between an individual and helper, or between individual and friend or loved-one. In every joke lies a truth, and any mocking of an individual's loved ones or friends, no-matter how seemingly benign, has the potential to create angst, antagonism or antipathy between the people being discussed or the people who are discussing. Humour should be observational, witty and directed at 'things' but not people. For instance, if an individual comes on with an issue of self confidence, it would be very unhelpful to make a joke about people with low confidence being inferior. It would, however, be helpful in creating a bond to make a joke about how high self esteem is over-rated, then to explain the problems people with overly high self esteem face. This may make an individual feel that it's okay to be in a low place, that it's not the end of the world, that it can be fixed and that it's not the massive weight upon their shoulders that it seems. However, helpers should also be careful not to misconstrue this as license to invalidate. It would be wholly unhelpful to say 'you're being ridiculous. Low self esteem isn't that big of an issue'.

5. The Value of Non Abuse - both helper and individual should not have to take any verbal abuse, threats or maltreatment. The helper should however be willing to withstand passive aggressive behaviour by the individual, always having pity and empathy for the individual's circumstances rather than anger at the individual's passive aggressive or at their other slightly unhelpful behaviour. The helper should understand that these people are in bad places and some negative communication is to be expected. The helper should also not 'jump on top' of such negative behaviours, by saying something like 'that passive aggressiveness is why you have your problems'. It's too direct, too cutting and it shows anger and hostility from the helper, rather than the pity and compassion that comes from empathizing with the individual. Helpers, in essence, should not be viewing individuals as a 'thing' which is broken and needs fixing - like something to be 'conquered' by force. Individuals should be treated as valid people.