The Mind of a Man?

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jmj

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Something special happened earlier in my relationship.
Coming out of not so great previous relationships, and having my self esteem shot down, while courting my (now) husband, He made me feel very special one evening.
I had always been a nervous nail bitter, and would hide my hands when it seemed that someone may be looking at them. He, one night gently held my hands, and studied my nails. My heart raced just imagining what he was thinking. He so sweetly said, "I don't mind that you bite your nails." He said it did not bother him. I told many the story and guess what? That day I STOPPED BITTING THEM.
almost five years later, we are married, and through much struggle I began to bite them again.
Would you know that tonight he asks me to scratch his back, and when I'm done he says, "Man , You need to grow your nails!" Huh??! :mad:
seriously though, can you guys understand how effectual this statement tonite became?
As a woman all I can think is , He was lying the first time he so lovingly said it didnt bother him. He was just trying to "get" me. He does not understand how that moment changed me.
Now that he "has" me, The truth slipped out.
He looked confused when my response to him was, "Man, You really need to shut up, you liar!
Do you get why my response was so harsh?
 
I get that you overreacted. That you took something personal and as an attack, when likely he had no thoughts about when you used to bite your nails. Chances are, like he said before, he doesn't care. But if you stopped for 5 years, he probably assumes you're past it. Its in the past and is not an issue anymore. So when he says you need to grow your nails out, it wasn't a dig, it wasn't 'the truth coming out', it was an innocent comment that your nails would feel better longer when scratching his back. Its not an insult, its a fact.

And telling him to shut up? And calling him a liar? Then expecting him to magically know what burr got up your butt? Its that mentality many women have that lead to ruining their marriages. Rather than getting emotional, exploding on him and expecting him to know why. Why not control yourself like an adult, tell him calmly and rationally why you're bothered by what he said, and discuss it with him. And do it without sitting there mentally thinking what a liar he is.

You want an opinion? I think you completely screwed up handling this situation. You judged, jumped to conclusions, spoke harshly, accused, and expect someone to read your mind. I think you failed, i think you should go back, apologize to your husband for acting so horribly, and have a calm, open minded discussion with him on the problem, and do it without presuming all sorts of negative things about him.

Don't take things so personally and don't blow things out of proportion.
 
Hey Ugly,
I've followed some of your responses to posts......You remind me of someone I know. :D
You really get to the point when you speak...You sound like you have been hurt in life.
Anyways jmj, you were looking for the mind of a man, bingo! Probably made you even more mad huh?
Hush, I got what you were saying. :)
 
Yes, sweetie, you over reacted because what he was inferring was that he can't get a good back scratch with no nails. He didn't mean it the way you took it ...his surprise at your irritation was a good indicator.

His previous sweet statement still holds. What a honey!
 
I completely understand where you came from. I'm also gla you see at least part of the submerged iceberg.
 
jmj said:
Something special happened earlier in my relationship.
Coming out of not so great previous relationships, and having my self esteem shot down, while courting my (now) husband, He made me feel very special one evening.
I had always been a nervous nail bitter, and would hide my hands when it seemed that someone may be looking at them. He, one night gently held my hands, and studied my nails. My heart raced just imagining what he was thinking. He so sweetly said, "I don't mind that you bite your nails." He said it did not bother him. I told many the story and guess what? That day I STOPPED BITTING THEM.
almost five years later, we are married, and through much struggle I began to bite them again.
Would you know that tonight he asks me to scratch his back, and when I'm done he says, "Man , You need to grow your nails!" Huh??! :mad:
seriously though, can you guys understand how effectual this statement tonite became?
As a woman all I can think is , He was lying the first time he so lovingly said it didnt bother him. He was just trying to "get" me. He does not understand how that moment changed me.
Now that he "has" me, The truth slipped out.
He looked confused when my response to him was, "Man, You really need to shut up, you liar!
Do you get why my response was so harsh?
Click to expand...

I definitely understand your point of view. Do you think he really was lying before? It may be that he was really in love with you back then but things might have changed since you've been married. I wouldn't be so quick to think he was lying before, but I understand how that hurt you deeply. Guys usually don't take notice of little things that women find so much meaning in. I do, but this isn't about me.
 
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Well I hope there's more to us than our fingernails because mine don't look so great either :)

Buy your husband one of those back scratchers and give him a good back scratch. Apologize for over-reacting. Making mountains out of mole hills can be devestating to a relationship.
 
I seriously doubt he meant to lie on purpose just to get you. I'm guessing your harsh reaction startled and confused the heck out of him.

When he said you need to grow your nails, he probably just meant it more about him than criticizing you, because he wanted a good back scratching at that moment. Just that simple.

Please be patient with the guy. He probably has no idea you give yourself such a hard time about your nail biting. He isn't in your head. You've gotta tell him what's on your mind, and give him credit for his ability to understand WITHOUT being harsh.
 
Strong1 said:
Hey Ugly,
I've followed some of your responses to posts......You remind me of someone I know. :D
You really get to the point when you speak...You sound like you have been hurt in life.
Anyways jmj, you were looking for the mind of a man, bingo! Probably made you even more mad huh?
Hush, I got what you were saying. :)
Click to expand...

I've just been around enough to see a lot of people beat around the bush, especially many Christians. Or they just use psuedo-spiritual cliches and 'oh just pray' as the idea of 'helping'. Which isn't what people really need. People need to hear things clearly and directly. And something helpful that gives them insight. Sometimes i'm direct and maybe a bit harsh.. and other times i will tone it down. I try to judge each incident and person as to if i need to soften things up or not. Some people can't see past my directness to hear my advice, but those that are able to are often thankful that i was so direct. Eh.
 
Ugly said:
I've just been around enough to see a lot of people beat around the bush, especially many Christians. Or they just use psuedo-spiritual cliches and 'oh just pray' as the idea of 'helping'. Which isn't what people really need. People need to hear things clearly and directly. And something helpful that gives them insight. Sometimes i'm direct and maybe a bit harsh.. and other times i will tone it down. I try to judge each incident and person as to if i need to soften things up or not. Some people can't see past my directness to hear my advice, but those that are able to are often thankful that i was so direct. Eh.
Click to expand...

Its cool,
I kinda like ya.;)
 
Surely a man doesn't base his love for a woman upon the length of her nails. Maybe he was just kidding. Guys joke about really stupid things sometimes. Or maybe he grew to love backscratches from your longer nails. :)

In any event, serious overreaction. He was talking about fingernails, not having an affair or anything.
 
Maybe he was telling the truth both times, but he changed his mind in between. Maybe he told you the truth the first time, and didn't mean what he said that second time. Maybe he expected for you to be able to grow your nails longer while biting them occasionally, so that he thought that both statements could be true, never realizing that biting your nails might interfere with your ability to scratch his back. Please don't be so sensitive about such a minor thing. Your poor husband, he probably doesn't even remember what he said five years ago about your nails. Even if he does, he has every right to change his mind about such a thing over the course of half a decade; it's not like he changed his religion or decided to become a monk.
 
My first instinct is that your husband was thinking of his own needs. Meaning, you scratching his back, and your nails being more effective if longer. He has no concept of your inner thoughts and difficulties. I really think you overreacted and need to consider that guys generally don't have a clue what we're thinking to start with. Unless we are more direct in our communication we're going to be causing more problems in our marriages than healing.

Ultimately i just wanted to agree with Uglys comments. Even though they'r harsh, that what i was thinking.
 
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