The Perils od Being the Supportive Friend

[hoss2576]

A response on one of the threads made me think of a situation many of us probably encounter.

I have a good friend who had been dating a woman for almost a year, and then last month they broke up. A few weeks ago he was hanging out at my place and began telling me about some of the problems they had, specifically a couple of horrible things she had done. He asked for my thoughts about what she had done and where he should go from there. I want to be supportive of my friends and their relationships, but when someone asks my thoughts on their relationship my mind screams, “Danger! Danger! Danger!” I hate that question. It isn’t because I don’t care, but it is a loaded question on many levels.

I told my friend that I agreed that what his girlfriend had done was horrible, and it was good he was moving on. It never fails. A week later, they got back together. Now that he is in the bliss of coupledom, what had once been words of encouragement to him is now a disparagement to the couple.

It is also difficult for me to completely navigate the waters of being supportive to a friend about relationships when I only hear “his side” of what the situation was. Not to minimize this for anyone else, but picture your friend telling you that their boy/girlfriend had thrown out food they had just bought. Seems unreasonable until the mate tells you he/she had bought food that was past its expiration date.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? How did you show support to your friend without risking whatever you say backfiring on you and consequently your friendship? Is it possible to be supportive, yet neutral when you really don’t know both sides of the story?

 

[Esanta]

A response on one of the threads made me think of a situation many of us probably encounter.

I have a good friend who had been dating a woman for almost a year, and then last month they broke up. A few weeks ago he was hanging out at my place and began telling me about some of the problems they had, specifically a couple of horrible things she had done. He asked for my thoughts about what she had done and where he should go from there. I want to be supportive of my friends and their relationships, but when someone asks my thoughts on their relationship my mind screams, “Danger! Danger! Danger!” I hate that question. It isn’t because I don’t care, but it is a loaded question on many levels.

I told my friend that I agreed that what his girlfriend had done was horrible, and it was good he was moving on. It never fails. A week later, they got back together. Now that he is in the bliss of coupledom, what had once been words of encouragement to him is now a disparagement to the couple.

It is also difficult for me to completely navigate the waters of being supportive to a friend about relationships when I only hear “his side” of what the situation was. Not to minimize this for anyone else, but picture your friend telling you that their boy/girlfriend had thrown out food they had just bought. Seems unreasonable until the mate tells you he/she had bought food that was past its expiration date.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? How did you show support to your friend without risking whatever you say backfiring on you and consequently your friendship? Is it possible to be supportive, yet neutral when you really don’t know both sides of the story?

Being supportive isn't synonymous with passing judgement on a scenario you're only hearing one side of. You can be supportive by saying 'I understand how you would feel that way', and 'I understand what you're feeling', and 'I get what you're saying, I can certainly imagine it becoming an issue'.

You don't have to pass judgement or agree with your friend's assessment of a situation to be able to understand why he would assess it as he has.

There's a difference between 'you're right' and 'I understand your point of view and why you would think that'. The latter is a much better way to view any relationship, any scenario, any situation.

If someone demands you agree with them or disagree, just simply say 'I can understand how and why you've come to the conclusions you have, and they are valid conclusions. I don't believe they are the only conclusions that can be gotten to, however you're my friend, and whatever decisions you make, I'll support you in them'.

 

[hoss2576]

Being supportive isn't synonymous with passing judgement on a scenario you're only hearing one side of. You can be supportive by saying 'I understand how you would feel that way', and 'I understand what you're feeling', and 'I get what you're saying, I can certainly imagine it becoming an issue'.

You don't have to pass judgement or agree with your friend's assessment of a situation to be able to understand why he would assess it as he has.

There's a difference between 'you're right' and 'I understand your point of view and why you would think that'. The latter is a much better way to view any relationship, any scenario, any situation.

If someone demands you agree with them or disagree, just simply say 'I can understand how and why you've come to the conclusions you have, and they are valid conclusions. I don't believe they are the only conclusions that can be gotten to, however you're my friend, and whatever decisions you make, I'll support you in them'.

I know what you are trying to say is an ideal, and that may work in a psychologist or therapist's office. In practical application, friends tend to want more than that degree of supportive wording. Also, as I pointed out, I can't necessarily tell them that their conclusion is valid if I do not know both sides of the story. It is a difficult spot to be in.

Read through the threads here in singles that are relationship based about problems with a boy/girlfriend or a break up. It is near impossible from what I have seen so far to keep it to a "I understand how you would feel that way" kind of response.

There are just so many aspects to consider when talking to friends about relationships.

 

[Raine]

Sometimes I like to ask questions to make them think... Like... Why would she throw out your food? Did you play a part in the argument? What can you do next time on your part to passify the argument?

My favorite one to ask is... Do you really want advice? Because I an just listen too. . From the specific situation you explained I think your friend wanted to vent more than advice; hence, he didn't really agree with you when you said it was good that he was moving on.

Sometimes, I think saying, I'm not sure because I don't know the other persons perspective but I'm still here as your friend, is ok too.

 

[Esanta]

I know what you are trying to say is an ideal, and that may work in a psychologist or therapist's office. In practical application, friends tend to want more than that degree of supportive wording. Also, as I pointed out, I can't necessarily tell them that their conclusion is valid if I do not know both sides of the story. It is a difficult spot to be in.

Read through the threads here in singles that are relationship based about problems with a boy/girlfriend or a break up. It is near impossible from what I have seen so far to keep it to a "I understand how you would feel that way" kind of response.

There are just so many aspects to consider when talking to friends about relationships.

It's really not that difficult. All emotions, responses, conclusions are 'valid', just not the only conclusions that can be made. If my friend comes to me and says;

'my girlfriend is driving me insane, she keeps trying to control everything!'

I say 'I understand that, I've felt that before'.

He says 'yea, it sucks, yesterday she called me and I was out and she got really annoyed that I hadn't text her back like straight away!'

And I say 'That can be frustrating, yea?'

And he says 'yea, totally. She doesn't understand at all that I'm just out and didn't hear her, or I'm busy. It's so difficult to try to keep up with someone who is so impatient all the time!'

And I say 'Yes, it definitely can be. It must feel like you're on eggshells, not allowed to do your own things?'

And he says 'Yea, it's not that I don't enjoy being with her, but it's too intense. It's all the time, she's there, wanting to know where I am or who I'm with'.

And I say 'That seems somewhat invasive. How does it make you feel?'

And he says 'Like she doesn't trust me when I'm out, and like she has nothing else to do with her time. She's just focused on me, constantly'.

And I say 'Is that perhaps because she doesn't have any hobbies or interests? Friends, maybe?'

And he says 'Well, yea, she doesn't have many friends, actually'.

And I say 'but she's a friendly person, yes?'

And he says 'yea, she is actually. She's lovely at times'.

And I say 'maybe you can gently encourage her to go out more, bring her with you a few times when you're out to include her in the group, show her how your friends are and reassure her that it's nothing sinister, just a normal day to day outing?'

And he says 'yea, I'll have to try that, thanks man'.

Obviously that's a bit of an esoteric example but the essence is always the same; understanding, not judgement, and diffusion, not confirmation.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Sometimes I like to ask questions to make them think... Like... Why would she throw out your food? Did you play a part in the argument? What can you do next time on your part to passify the argument?

My favorite one to ask is... Do you really want advice? Because I an just listen too. . From the specific situation you explained I think your friend wanted to vent more than advice; hence, he didn't really agree with you when you said it was good that he was moving on.

Sometimes, I think saying, I'm not sure because I don't know the other persons perspective but I'm still here as your friend, is ok too.

I never thought of asking that question. That's a good idea Raine, thank you for it!

I usually just go 'mmm .. mhmm ... oh!'. Asking what they want from me is a better thing to do. Will this question work with women? What if they say 'You don't understand me! We've been such good friends and you ask me this now? Booohooo!'

 

[Raine]

Haha Chris. . Boo you for not knowing how to read your girl friends minds!!

For me it doesn't hurt but I can't speak for all girls. I think it also has to do with their level of maturity in terms of communication skills. I would just explain it to them you know... Like...

You know I'm here for you and that I care for you deeply as a friend. I'm here to listen and provide support. I know sometimes people just want to vent and other times they want advice. Even though I know you I don't want to assume. So please just let me know if you want me to only listen or give advice as well and I will respect that.

Sometimes I let them say everything that they want to say first then I ask at the end... Like... Did you just want me to listen or give advice too? Or, is it ok if I share my perspective on this situation?

Other times I don't give advice but just confirm their thoughts and feelings... Like... Yes I can see how that would be frustrating or... Just to clarify, did you mean this when you said this? And I don't even ask to give advice unless they bring it up...

You kinda know who really wants advice and who doesn't too... You already know based on their actions and history... Like... Oh she just wants to complain about her boyfriend again but I know she is not ready to leave the relationship because she keeps going back... Unless you see a drastic change of heart or brokenness of course.

I believe that those who are ready to change will actively seek wisdom and advice instead of you giving them the same advice over and over again and seeing no change etc.

 

[gypsygirl]

oh yes, this scenario gotten me into some trouble before!

here's the funny part, because i'm a bit of a problem solver i've been accused of "taking up the others' side" a bit too much. meaning, i know my friend well, and what his/her strengths are, and so i might say, "well, i wonder if he knows you feel that way? is that possible?" instead of "what a jerk!!!".

i try to ascertain what my friends' goals are too. using the example you used (of a breakup) i try to ascertain if they're really done, or if it's just a bump in the road.

also, i sort of feel obligated as a friend to help them see their own liabilities, because that's what i greatly value in a friend --someone who will point out to me the things that i'm possibly missing--i can see your blind spots better than you can, and vice versa. but sometimes that's just not what people want.

in fact, a very close friend calls me a "negative nellie" (partly facetiously) because i don't jump on his bandwagon, agree with everything he says and go directly to agreement when he says something is what it is. maybe that's a flaw in me, but i struggle with pure support without honesty.

i'm still trying to find the balance. though i do recognize that certain friends can handle more honesty that others. and in some cases, i don't even bother with anything more than, "oh, i'm so sorry, that's awful, you poor thing..."

 

[cinder]

When I feel like I'm only getting one side of the story, I kind of go into inquisitor mode. I will ask lots of questions and do my best to help someone separate the actions from the meaning they attribute to the actions. Of course this means that people who just want emotional validation or someone to tell them that their feelings are correct and proper (you can feel whatever you feel, but I'm going to cross examine those feelings to see if they are lying to you or telling you the truth) quickly learn they don't want to talk to me.

Honestly I see this as another part of the idolatry of relationships and marriage. If someone tells you they are dating or engaged to so and so the expected response is "good for you" and to be happy for that person, regardless of the character of the person they've chosen to be in relationship with or the wisdom of such choice. To tell someone they should break up is a serious thing, but it isn't always evil and it doesn't mean you don't want them to be happy. It's offering wisdom to people who may be blinded by an emotional rush. What your friend probably needs most is a good friend who will get in his face and say "a week (or however long) ago you came complaining about this woman showing these serious red flag behaviors, I told you it was good you were moving on from her, so why on earth are you now getting back together with her?" You may well lose a friend over this (at least until things blow up and he realizes that you getting in his face was the most honest advice he got from anyone), but the other alternative may be waiting around to try to help him pick up the pieces from another failed relationship.

 

[Ugly]

Yeah, i get into these things a lot. As Raine said, asking questions is a big part of it. It brings the full story to light. And sometimes can cause the person to own up to some of the behavior or the accusations they're leveling at the person they're having issues with.

For the most part, as i've stated in previous threads, i would rather give honest advice or opinion. They may not like it, but at least i did the right thing by telling them the truth. Whether that truth is that they are, in fact, the one that's wrong, or that i simply don't know what to tell them.

 

[CatHerder]

I have one friend who likes to put me in this position. He's a serial monogamist. I try to say really neutral things like "I'm sorry it didn't work out," "I'm sorry that happened," or "I can only imagine how tough that must have been." I try not to make any statement to let on that I think his possibly temporary ex is bat-guano crazy, even though that is what I think, as he does not pick godly women. I try to make him see what it is in him that needs to be with this type of woman.

He has an epiphany, then says I am an insightful genius. Within a week he is with someone even worse.

Rinse.

Repeat...

 

[Raine]

I have one friend who likes to put me in this position. He's a serial monogamist. I try to say really neutral things like "I'm sorry it didn't work out," "I'm sorry that happened," or "I can only imagine how tough that must have been." I try not to make any statement to let on that I think his possibly temporary ex is bat-guano crazy, even though that is what I think, as he does not pick godly women. I try to make him see what it is in him that needs to be with this type of woman.

He has an epiphany, then says I am an insightful genius. Within a week he is with someone even worse.

Rinse.

Repeat...

Does he struggle with self worth and depending on others too much for comfort?

I wonder if you should ask... Have you ever wondered why your relationships haven't worked so far? Haha but that's really walking on thin ice xD

 

[Roh_Chris]

Haha Chris. . Boo you for not knowing how to read your girl friends minds!!

For me it doesn't hurt but I can't speak for all girls. I think it also has to do with their level of maturity in terms of communication skills. I would just explain it to them you know... Like...

You know I'm here for you and that I care for you deeply as a friend. I'm here to listen and provide support. I know sometimes people just want to vent and other times they want advice. Even though I know you I don't want to assume. So please just let me know if you want me to only listen or give advice as well and I will respect that.

Sometimes I let them say everything that they want to say first then I ask at the end... Like... Did you just want me to listen or give advice too? Or, is it ok if I share my perspective on this situation?

Other times I don't give advice but just confirm their thoughts and feelings... Like... Yes I can see how that would be frustrating or... Just to clarify, did you mean this when you said this? And I don't even ask to give advice unless they bring it up...

You kinda know who really wants advice and who doesn't too... You already know based on their actions and history... Like... Oh she just wants to complain about her boyfriend again but I know she is not ready to leave the relationship because she keeps going back... Unless you see a drastic change of heart or brokenness of course.

I believe that those who are ready to change will actively seek wisdom and advice instead of you giving them the same advice over and over again and seeing no change etc.

Which part of my profile fails to convey the message that I am a man? Long explanations are not my cup of tea. If I would ask a question, it would be "Do you want me to listen or do you want me to advice you?" And then the women complain that I am rude and snobby.

Aside from that, I just don't get into this argument. I have lately learnt that being friends does not give one the right to poke his/her nose into the friend's personal life. I am trying to keep socialising and 'personalising' separate. If they want my advice, they can always ask me. Or if things get out of hand, I will advise them. Otherwise, it is not really my business. I have lived this way for the past two years with even my 'closest' of friends. It is good because I don't put myself into awkward situations anymore.