The separation saga- help please!

[iraasuup]

So here's the dealio:

I posted a week or so back that my husband and I have recently separated. It hurts like crazy, and the pain is still raw. We've been separated officially, a little over a month now.

There were many issues that led to this, and I tried, oh how I tried to address them but to no avail. Now, I'm not saying this is all his fault. I certainly believe that in any situation like this, blame should be placed on both parties. I'm willing to take my share of the blame, and am taking the time to evaluate the situation so I can best work on changing the parts of me that need to be changed.

That being said, I'm stuck in a bit of a quandry. Let me back track a little. There had been many issues for a long time, and as I mentioned I had tried to address them. Some things just couldn't be resolved however, I believe those things were things HE didn't want to address, and let's face it you can't force people to change.

My issue at the moment is that he has made it very clear he doesn't want to reconcile. In fact he wants to 'move on' as he puts it. We were married 7 years, and I will admit I put up with a lot! There were times in the past where I believe scripturally I could have 'walked out', but I chose to stay- because we're married and I loved him! Now I wonder if by choosing to stay in those moments, if I sent a message to him that his behaviour was okay, and I'd put up with anything, and that he didn't have to change, because I'd always be there? Was this my first mistake?

Prior to our decision to separate, I had a 'breakdown' from stress. It was 'situational depression/stress' as diagnosed by my doctor. It had started to affect every area of my life... even work (which is the worst thing ever- when you start lashing out at colleagues). My stress was a result of MANY MANY issues at home and in the marriage that had just become too much. It got to the point where I became physically unwell from the trauma of it all, and the doctor gave me 3 mths off work. It was during that time, I took a trip to visit my parents and 'get away from it all'. When I returned, the decision to separate was made.

He tells me he doesn't love me, and doesn't know if he ever really did. He thinks we should never have been married, and claims he's 'so much happier' now. I asked him outright the other day if he misses me or has any regrets, he responded with 'no, sorry, but I do miss the sex'. Basically, I was trapped in a loveless marriage, where I wasnt valued- like I was just his little sex toy or something. Without going into full details of every little issue, I can tell you I had felt the pain of lack of love for sometime, but just kept praying it would get better.

So, now I'm wondering. Where do I stand? I know reconcilliation is the best way, it's God's way. But, he has told me outright he doesn't love me, and in fact never has. He doesn't want to reconcile, he wants to 'move on'. Where do I stand scripturally with that? Am I supposed to fight for the marriage or just let it go? Am I entitled to 'move on' later down the track, if I meet someone? (Not that I'm even considering such things at the moment of course, but I need to know where I stand. Am I destined for a life alone now?)

I'm in so much pain right now, and he is just carrying on with life as if nothing is wrong! He has started making all these changes in his life... things I had tried to encourage him to do when we were together, but he never had any desire to. If I mentioned anything I was 'hassling' him. Now, that we're apart he's suddenly decided he needs to do these things? What am I supposed to make of that?

I'm just so confused right now. This is not what I had in mind when I took my vows. I took them seriously, I loved him, I still love him. I made a life-long commitment to him, but obviously he didn't feel the same way! Now I'm trying to figure out how to start over. Where to go from here? How does one just walk away from that part of their life, and move on? How does one ever fully heal from such pain??

 

[zeroturbulence]

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. "

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV

 

[iraasuup]

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. "

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV

But what defines an 'unbeliever'?

How can I determine another persons beliefs? I mean, I'm not the judge, God is.

I do know we were definitely on different pages spiritually, and I felt like I was waiting for him to catch up, or even for him to have the same desire or longing for intimacy with Christ... but I don't know if I could go as far declaring him an 'unbeliever'.

Do you know what I mean?

 

[Pheonix]

I wish my mother was into this online community thing cause she could definately help you get through this. My father left in pretty much the same manner. the only difference is he switched teams too. so double hit for mom.

 

[Pheonix]

But what defines an 'unbeliever'?

How can I determine another persons beliefs? I mean, I'm not the judge, God is.

I do know we were definitely on different pages spiritually, and I felt like I was waiting for him to catch up, or even for him to have the same desire or longing for intimacy with Christ... but I don't know if I could go as far declaring him an 'unbeliever'.

Do you know what I mean?

the verse was speaking specifically about christians who were saved after marriage and their partner was saved. However I believe the principle can and should be used for a christian whose saved partner chooses to leave. You can't forcibly change a persons mind, and as a christian you shouldn't even try. We are meant to convince by our deeds more than our words. Live your life for God and the rest will sort itself out.

and I'm sorry if I haven't helped

 

[iraasuup]

I wish my mother was into this online community thing cause she could definately help you get through this. My father left in pretty much the same manner. the only difference is he switched teams too. so double hit for mom.

Good Grief!

I can't begin to imagine how violated that must have made her feel.

In our situation... I guess essentially I am the one who 'left' in the literal sense of the term. As in, I got on a plane and flew to other side of the country. Not because I wanted to, but because when we decided to separate I had no place to go.

We were living in a spare room at a friends place, and all of my family and friends lived on the other side of the country. I had no family/friends to go to over there, and it wasn't appropriate for me to stay on living in the house with a male friend whilst hubby left. I had no choice in the situation, I had to 'go home'.

The distance thing has made this so much harder too, it's not like I can ask him to pop around for a coffee so we can chat.

*sigh*

 

[iraasuup]

the verse was speaking specifically about christians who were saved after marriage and their partner was saved. However I believe the principle can and should be used for a christian whose saved partner chooses to leave.

Thought provoking...

Thanks.

 

[Pheonix]

Just remember that assuming he is saved, he is first and foremost your brother in Christ. Treat him with the respect he deserves as such even if you do feel like stangling him. God will deal with him in the end. one way or another he will have to answer to God for whatever he's done in life and so will. So, just worry about what you are doing, and let God worry about what your husband is doing. I'm sort of confusing myself here so my apologies if I'm not clear on my meaning.

All that being said, you have my sympathy and I pray things work out for the best.

 

[Strong1]

My sister, my heart goes out to you at this very difficult part of your journey.
There is nothing worse than loving whole heartedly, and that love not being resiprocated. I truly believe God has a very special interest in those who are going through what you are going through, at this moment in time. He knew this day would come, and he saw you both right up to this point. He said in his word, "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore whom God has joined together, let no man put assunder/seperate"(Matt 19:6) I agree with this. I understand that there are circumstances, where scripture gives relief from specific situations, but all i all, God loves marriage.
Do you think you could be still, and know that he is God? Do you believe, that the plans that God has for you both are to prosper you, and not harm you? Could you trust God enough right now to very quietly leave this problem in his hands? Tell him about it, and leave it there?
your husband has done a good job,(as you stated) in hurting your feelings. He may very well be trying to do just that...But God is the pilot here. he sees the end of this situation, while you can only see the now. And it hurts...I empathize with you. Cry. Scream. Get it all out. Then let the Lord do the rest. He wants to.
I pray that you may find strength to endure. Sometimes, it's wise to not speak.(to your hubby) and let him wonder, what is going on? He is probably passively aggressively controling your emotions....Don't give him that. Pray. Pray, and pray. Not to get your way, but for God to Heall your marriage to the way he intended. Watch God change his heart, and yours.
Be blessed. Take it one day at a time.

 

[marycl]

I am SO sorry for the pain you're going through. It is incredibly difficult and hurts a lot. I was in your shoes about 4 years ago, and now we're divorced. You can't make someone change, but you can definitely try to reconcile if he is at all open. It doesn't sound like he's open to that , though. God will walk through this with you, but the pain is still very intense. We hate pain, but God meets us there. I will pray for you- my heart truly goes out to you.

 

[CC_Bride]

My issue at the moment is that he has made it very clear he doesn't want to reconcile. In fact he wants to 'move on' as he puts it. We were married 7 years, and I will admit I put up with a lot! There were times in the past where I believe scripturally I could have 'walked out', but I chose to stay- because we're married and I loved him! Now I wonder if by choosing to stay in those moments, if I sent a message to him that his behaviour was okay, and I'd put up with anything, and that he didn't have to change, because I'd always be there? Was this my first mistake?

No, that wasn't a mistake at all. You were doing exactly what the bible was telling you to do as a wife and you did it. He was the one who decided to abuse your continued forgiveness. Just like that verse someone else quoted I personally believe that you can walk away from this marriage with a clear conscious before the Lord.

Second point of mine is this - you are first and foremost a precious daughter of our High Heavenly father. This man has not noticeably abused you but he has because of the illness surrounding your sickness. By order of priority, you are Gods daughter before you are anyones husband. And God does not let any man take up his daughter and abuse her and malign her for years.

This is exactly what my mother and I went through, because of my step fathers abuse. He constantly harassed us and blackmailed us with our own faith and as a result when we contemplated running away we both felt immense guilt like we were disobeying God. But God cares about our emotional and physical safety more than sticking to an awful marriage. And as a result of over a decade of being abused by my stepfather I developed post traumatic stress syndrome. No laughing matter. Im largely healed of the effects but one lingering effect remains, I am still hugely affected by anxiety because of that previous stress. If I suffer prolonged periods of stress it affects me physiologically as well - migraines, nausea, muscle stiffness.. As a result of her stress my mother discovered she had a life threatening tumor on her thyroid (the thyroid controls metabolism, reproductive hormones and chemicals from stress). Luckily doctors remove it, but she now has to take medication for the rest of her life.

Also, I hugely recommend you watch this online sermon, and use it to reflect on your marriage and what responsibilities your husband failed at:

Marriage and Men | Mars Hill Church

Praying for you...

Melody

 

[iraasuup]

Thanks Melody,

Right now I'm just taking everything quite literally 'one day at a time'. All I can do to get by is to focus on the day ahead of me, and the things I need to do.

I am just praying for Gods guidance in this situation, because I surely can't deal with it myself. I have no idea where/what I'm supposed to do from here, but I'm waiting on God to find out.

 

[CC_Bride]

Realised I did a typo above lol

"you are Gods daughter before you are anyones husband"

I meant wife. But Im sure you got the gist

 

[CC_Bride]

Ive told my husband Steven (aka CanadaNZ) to PM you sometime.

He went through a divorce in 2004 and had similar reasons and reactions to you, and if you want to ask him anything feel free.

We're both praying for you and grieving with you *HUGS

 

[zeroturbulence]

Katie, I just read an advice column about christian divorce. It said that if both are christian and one divorces the other for no biblical reason, the one who did not initiate the divorce is free to remarry.


(Copied from site)..

2. What if a person was a believer when he got divorced, but the reason was not adultery or abandonment, and wants to remarry someone different now what should he do?

If you initiated the divorce, then you should not remarry (Matt. 5:31), However....

Reconciliation with the initial spouse should be sought with confession of sin and the request for forgiveness.

If it was the spouse that left without a biblical reason, then you are free to remarry.


Source: http://www.calvaryprophecy.com/q141.html

 

[Stuey]

Katie, I just read an advice column about christian divorce. It said that if both are christian and one divorces the other for no biblical reason, the one who did not initiate the divorce is free to remarry.


(Copied from site)..

2. What if a person was a believer when he got divorced, but the reason was not adultery or abandonment, and wants to remarry someone different now what should he do?

If you initiated the divorce, then you should not remarry (Matt. 5:31), However....

Reconciliation with the initial spouse should be sought with confession of sin and the request for forgiveness.

If it was the spouse that left without a biblical reason, then you are free to remarry.


Source: bible biblical grounds for divorce, bibical reasons for divorce, when is it ok to divorce, what the bible says about divorce, divorce and what bible says, i want a divorce what bible says, my husband wife cheated on me divorce

I am sorry but I am strongly against this Zero, it is completely biblically incorrect.

Matthew 5:31 - "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

In God's eyes there isn't this - oh you initiated the divorce so it's ok if your partner leaves. - If both are still Christian then you are still committed to each other in God's eyes - if there has been unfaithfulness or a partner is non-christian then the situation may be slightly different as the other passages in the bible say but on this one the bible is very clear.

Katie I know you will, everything I have seen from you indicates you are a Godly Lady, take your time with things. It sounds like an absolutely horrible spot to be in, , God can work miracles though, pray pray pray and do your best to keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully things will become clearer for you in time.

 

[Jullianna]

Katie, time away is a good thing. Being with your family now is right. Maybe he will change. Maybe he won't. Maybe once he's had some time on his own and sees what is out there, he will come to appreciate what he had. It is clear that he doesn't appreciate you as he should.

Take time for yourself right now. Healing time. Time with God. Time with family and friends. Time to see all that you are and all that God wants you to be. Release your marriage to Him and trust Him to direct the situation towards what is best for you.

As for whether or not you are free to join in another relationship, trust God with that too. He can clearly show you. There are situations in scripture where woman had found themselves in wrong relationships with men who were later directed to the right one.

We're here for you.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Katie - Ok, brace yourself for this one. I know it might sting to hear it, but its the only biblically solid piece of hope that I can think of which I can give you...

Jesus said that you can only be unbound from a marriage if the spouse commits adultery or dies right? Well, in that rule there is HOPE. Why? Because the spouse who abandoned the other will most likely at some point give in to their fleshly desires and end up committing the adultery which will free the other person.

Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear. If it isn't, then I apologize.

 

[iraasuup]

Well here's the dealio

I caught him out in an online situation. He apparently had profiles on some hook-up sites or something, I dunno, and I found emails he had sent to girls. Explicit emails, asking for umm pictures... quite detailed requests for pictures..

I confronted him, at first he lied about it. But then knew because I had the evidence in front of me, that he couldn't deny it. He claims there has been no actual physical affair with another woman (as far as I'm aware thats true, but who knows)...so then I installed a blocker on the computer and pleaded with him to get help. He was too proud to admit he had a problem, and wanted to know why 'I couldn't help him'... so long story short, I forgave him and tried to encourage him. We discussed his feelings and issues, I tried to make 'changes' to please him, and I bought books etc and read them with him.

This particular issue is only one of MANY, but it was probably one of the most hard-hitting. It took me awhile to realise that his behaviour there was no different to actually being involved in an affair.. and at that point I decided to stay in the marriage.

So, I believe I already have grounds biblically. But it's still not easy. I chose to forgive him. I chose to move on, but many of the other issues were never resolved and the issue mentioned above... well I dunno. I have my suspicions.

 

[Pheonix]

Well here's the dealio

I caught him out in an online situation. He apparently had profiles on some hook-up sites or something, I dunno, and I found emails he had sent to girls. Explicit emails, asking for umm pictures... quite detailed requests for pictures..

I confronted him, at first he lied about it. But then knew because I had the evidence in front of me, that he couldn't deny it. He claims there has been no actual physical affair with another woman (as far as I'm aware thats true, but who knows)...so then I installed a blocker on the computer and pleaded with him to get help. He was too proud to admit he had a problem, and wanted to know why 'I couldn't help him'... so long story short, I forgave him and tried to encourage him. We discussed his feelings and issues, I tried to make 'changes' to please him, and I bought books etc and read them with him.

This particular issue is only one of MANY, but it was probably one of the most hard-hitting. It took me awhile to realise that his behaviour there was no different to actually being involved in an affair.. and at that point I decided to stay in the marriage.

So, I believe I already have grounds biblically. But it's still not easy. I chose to forgive him. I chose to move on, but many of the other issues were never resolved and the issue mentioned above... well I dunno. I have my suspicions.

What's that verse that says If you lust in your heart you've already commited adultery?