F
From birth to the age of four I was a normal healthy child (albeit, unusually serious and deep thinking). Then, when I was four I literally woke up one morning and realized everything I looked at had a ghostly secondary image next to it. I couldn't talk that well yet, but I was able to communicate it to my parents. So they took me to an eye doctor who confirmed that I had developed a lazy eye, or amblyopia.
It's different than most eye problems in that it is actually a disconnect in the brain. My eyes are perfectly healthy, but a region of my brain weakened for some reason and attempted to shut off sight in my left eye completely.
I had to wear an eye patch over my good eye for a significant part of my childhood. The goal was to strengthen my bad eye by forcing it to work when my brain was trying to shut it off. I had to wear glasses simultaneously for my "good" eye which also showed signs of weakness.
The glasses were too big for me, since children weren't given glasses as often when I was a kid. The end of the ear piece curved around my ears leaving a shiny part visible from the front which caused other children to tease me about having my ears pierced. I never showed outward hurt over it, but their words stuck with me and caused me to feel perpetually ashamed and self conscious in public and have very little self esteem... Even today I struggle to feel like an equal with my peers and always imagine myself as ugly and incompetent.
At some point I no longer had to wear a patch and just glasses, and with glasses I saw pretty much normally. However, by the time I got to college my bad eye was noticeably turning inward again and everything was doubled after I had studied a lot.
I once joined in on the "staring game" with other students, where you stare into each other's eyes and try not to laugh. The girl I was up against loudly accused me of cheating by looking past her and not looking her in the eyes. But I was as much as I could! That was very humiliating...
After graduating, my lazy eye remained very weak. In the winter I sometimes saw double so badly that I started to get a headache and felt like I was losing my mind. My family invited some guests over once and they dimmed the lights for atmosphere, but the dim light made my lazy eye so bad that I didn't look up from my plate once and felt terrible for seeming so unfriendly! All I really wanted was to go to bed and hope for a bright, sunny morning...
Since my childhood I have prayed for God to heal my bad eye and keep it from turning inward or causing double vision. I've always known that it would be a simple thing for Him and truly believed He would do it. Yet, my childhood prayers seemingly went unheard. And, sadly, that caused my childhood faith to waver and I gradually wandered far away from Him where I remained many years. He graciously drew me back to Himself and made my faith much deeper and realer than before. Yet, here I still am with a bad eye...
It has been better this winter. Also, having a job helps because it keeps me distracted. For some reason it's not as bad when I'm not thinking of it. Still, it's always there. I can't escape from it. And I long so much to see the world as a normal binocular person.
I can't do those "Magic Eye" images. Or see movies in 3D. And I have trouble shaving the left side of my face when looking in a mirror. I can't tell if I'm missing some hairs or not!
Also if I find a girl someday, I won't be able to truly look her in the eyes. It'll seem like I'm looking past her. And that kind of hurts to think about...
For years I've wanted to get contact lenses because I'm so tired of wearing glasses (23 years now...). But even that failed because I couldn't get them in after trying three different days... And the eye doctor, of course, wouldn't let me take them with me to keep practicing at home. Even when I did get them in, then neither me nor the eye doctor could get them back out! I even lost one inside my eye like they said you couldn't do and they almost had to get a microscope to try to find it! It would have been hilarious, if it wasn't a dying dream...
So, to summarize, my unhealed amblyopia not only led me to doubt God's faithfulness as a child and to feel ashamed and disfigured around virtually everyone, but continues to be a source of disappointment and of hopes unrealized.
Recently, it got to me again and I sat in my living room shedding tears over it and asking God why He has allowed this to continue my whole life thus far. I so much want to be amblyopia and glasses free! And I know I could have worse ailments, but some days I truly only feel like half a human. Without glasses, people tell me I am very attractive. And then when I put my glasses on... just blah...
Then I remember that it is in our weaknesses that God shows His strength.
2 Corinthians 12:5-10
So to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
So, who knows? Maybe one day I will find a godly wife despite my diminished looks, and it will be then that God will intervene miraculously and remove this ailment. Or else, it'll get worse to help me keep my marriage holy...
Anyway, perhaps some of you can relate to this a bit and find some encouragement through my story. In the end, I retain hope regardless of what happens. Why? Because I know where I'm headed and that someday I will not only see straight, but I'll see HIM!!! It can't get better than that!
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. [SUP]23 [/SUP]Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. [SUP]24 [/SUP]For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? [SUP]25 [/SUP]But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
[SUP]26 [/SUP]In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. [SUP]27 [/SUP]And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. [SUP]30 [/SUP]And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
[SUP]31 [/SUP]What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
It's different than most eye problems in that it is actually a disconnect in the brain. My eyes are perfectly healthy, but a region of my brain weakened for some reason and attempted to shut off sight in my left eye completely.
I had to wear an eye patch over my good eye for a significant part of my childhood. The goal was to strengthen my bad eye by forcing it to work when my brain was trying to shut it off. I had to wear glasses simultaneously for my "good" eye which also showed signs of weakness.
The glasses were too big for me, since children weren't given glasses as often when I was a kid. The end of the ear piece curved around my ears leaving a shiny part visible from the front which caused other children to tease me about having my ears pierced. I never showed outward hurt over it, but their words stuck with me and caused me to feel perpetually ashamed and self conscious in public and have very little self esteem... Even today I struggle to feel like an equal with my peers and always imagine myself as ugly and incompetent.
At some point I no longer had to wear a patch and just glasses, and with glasses I saw pretty much normally. However, by the time I got to college my bad eye was noticeably turning inward again and everything was doubled after I had studied a lot.
I once joined in on the "staring game" with other students, where you stare into each other's eyes and try not to laugh. The girl I was up against loudly accused me of cheating by looking past her and not looking her in the eyes. But I was as much as I could! That was very humiliating...
After graduating, my lazy eye remained very weak. In the winter I sometimes saw double so badly that I started to get a headache and felt like I was losing my mind. My family invited some guests over once and they dimmed the lights for atmosphere, but the dim light made my lazy eye so bad that I didn't look up from my plate once and felt terrible for seeming so unfriendly! All I really wanted was to go to bed and hope for a bright, sunny morning...
Since my childhood I have prayed for God to heal my bad eye and keep it from turning inward or causing double vision. I've always known that it would be a simple thing for Him and truly believed He would do it. Yet, my childhood prayers seemingly went unheard. And, sadly, that caused my childhood faith to waver and I gradually wandered far away from Him where I remained many years. He graciously drew me back to Himself and made my faith much deeper and realer than before. Yet, here I still am with a bad eye...
It has been better this winter. Also, having a job helps because it keeps me distracted. For some reason it's not as bad when I'm not thinking of it. Still, it's always there. I can't escape from it. And I long so much to see the world as a normal binocular person.
I can't do those "Magic Eye" images. Or see movies in 3D. And I have trouble shaving the left side of my face when looking in a mirror. I can't tell if I'm missing some hairs or not!
Also if I find a girl someday, I won't be able to truly look her in the eyes. It'll seem like I'm looking past her. And that kind of hurts to think about...
For years I've wanted to get contact lenses because I'm so tired of wearing glasses (23 years now...). But even that failed because I couldn't get them in after trying three different days... And the eye doctor, of course, wouldn't let me take them with me to keep practicing at home. Even when I did get them in, then neither me nor the eye doctor could get them back out! I even lost one inside my eye like they said you couldn't do and they almost had to get a microscope to try to find it! It would have been hilarious, if it wasn't a dying dream...
So, to summarize, my unhealed amblyopia not only led me to doubt God's faithfulness as a child and to feel ashamed and disfigured around virtually everyone, but continues to be a source of disappointment and of hopes unrealized.
Recently, it got to me again and I sat in my living room shedding tears over it and asking God why He has allowed this to continue my whole life thus far. I so much want to be amblyopia and glasses free! And I know I could have worse ailments, but some days I truly only feel like half a human. Without glasses, people tell me I am very attractive. And then when I put my glasses on... just blah...
Then I remember that it is in our weaknesses that God shows His strength.
2 Corinthians 12:5-10
So to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
So, who knows? Maybe one day I will find a godly wife despite my diminished looks, and it will be then that God will intervene miraculously and remove this ailment. Or else, it'll get worse to help me keep my marriage holy...
Anyway, perhaps some of you can relate to this a bit and find some encouragement through my story. In the end, I retain hope regardless of what happens. Why? Because I know where I'm headed and that someday I will not only see straight, but I'll see HIM!!! It can't get better than that!
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. [SUP]23 [/SUP]Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. [SUP]24 [/SUP]For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? [SUP]25 [/SUP]But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
[SUP]26 [/SUP]In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. [SUP]27 [/SUP]And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. [SUP]30 [/SUP]And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
[SUP]31 [/SUP]What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
