G
Gazza21
Guest
My testimony on how I became a Christian.
I have always been a very, very deep person, as in I think a lot. To be honest, I thought too much. I looked at my own life and hated it. I saw the world and hated it. I saw all the hatred, fighting, murder, famine, wars, disasters etc and hated it.
I looked at myself and never thought I would ever be a success as I was thick and was not confident enough to do anything on my own. I would never have a girlfriend because I was the ugliest person on the planet, I mean, who would ever want me? I wouldn't. I was depressed and hated my life. And who did I blame for this, God. Whenever I could not do work at school and beyond school, I blamed God. If I was shouted at or called names, I would blame God. Whenever I could not have the confidence to go up to a girl and ask her out, I would blame God. I used to see the world and only see its faults and not it good.
I left school and went to college and my hatred for him only grew and grew. I remember once I was shouting at God so passionately and tears of rage poured out of my eyes. I grew depressed, very depressed, to the point on two occasions, I walked to a road and wanted to walk in front of a car because I wanted to die. But when I tried to step out in front of a car, I just couldn't. Fear stopped me. I can't even die properly or the way I want to go, I thought, which made me even more depressed and hated God even more.
I had this void or gap inside my life. I tried to fill it with games, reading, partying, drinking, etc. I would play on the playstation or read books for literally 10/12 hours a day, every day. I would get so into them that I would put myself into the book an like in fantasy to escape the pain of living my life. I remember praying, Someone, anyone, get me into the pages of those books so I can escape this terrible world. Know it sounds crazy, but that is what my life was like back before I was a Christian and it is the way I coped. Some people use drink, drugs, porn, sex, food, friends etc. But I used books and gaming as mine.
And the older I got, the more I hated God. I used to say. "GOD!!! IF YOU ARE SO GOOD AND LOVING WHY IS THE WORLD AS IT IS!!!! WHY DO YOU ALOW CHILD ABUSE, MURDER, FAMINS, ALL THE CRAP IN THIS WORLD. YOU KNOW SOMETHING GOD, THOSE DRUNK AND OFF THERE FACES ON DRUGS WHO WRITE THE BIBLE GOT IT WRONG!!!!! YOU ARE THE DEVIL GOD AND THE DEVIL IS YOU. YOU ARE SO EVIL GOD AND I HATE YOU AND WILL NEVER LOVER AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO LOVE ME. GOD, NEVER ALOW ME TO BECOME A CHRISTIAN". Well all I can say is God likes a challenge and He had one in me. I am being brutally honest in what I used to say and pray to God. It's weird isn't it, as that is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe, that he is sat higher that God. I truly was in the devils camp.
Just to give you an insight of how aggressive I was towards all things God, if anyone talked to me about God, I would threaten them, would say, If you tell we anything about God again, I will knock you the hell out. I hate God and always will, not even God Himself can change my mind about Him. I never want anything to do with that ... well you can think of what I said. The anger, hatred, hurt, paint grew and grew. I was literally at breaking point and if God had not come in when He did, I would not probably be her.
Now, I had completed three years at college and was supposed to finish at the end of the year. But I wanted to finish of the qualification so I went for one more year. God planned it so well. On the first day there, a new guy started the course. We got on instantly. He was funny, nutty guy and full of beans lol. But we also had some deep conversations. So about a month of know him, we started talking about what we were doing after college, I was going to work, then he said he was a Christian and was going to youth service ... !!! W H A T !!! I. Could. Not. Believe. It!!! I was like no you are not. You can't be a Christian. Christians are pathetic losers that sit in pews all day long. They are uncool and are weak minded sheep (again, not realising it was scriptural, we are the sheep, He is the great Shepherd) The judge and hate all who do not believe in there God. It took a long time for me to believe him lol!!
Well me being me, I started drilling him with questions. Why is God allow questions. I was angry at first but all the questions I had, he answered them in a way that I understood. Instead of me being like arrrrr at the answer, I was like hummmm, never thought of it like that. So it became a daily thing that we would have a conversation about Christianity, about why He allows things to happen, that He will not take our free will, that He loves us, about the cross and what it meant. That church is not boring but fun! My hatred had turned from utter hatred towards God, to curiosity.
Then the one of the best words in my life, Then suddenly. Then on the 10/08/07, at about 5:15 pm, I had a conversation with my friend that changed my life and the best sermon I ever heard. I was walking through Touchwood in Solihull and we stood talking to Ray, my friend. It was about how much God loved me and the that God had a perfect plan for my life. I stood there, transfixed to what he was saying. (feeling so emotional at the moment, in a good way because as I always choke up when talking about this) It was really busy and loads of people about but it seemed like it was only me and him there. All the noise was gone apart from his voice and no one was there except him. I felt myself choking up, thinking, I want some of that. Then I felt this light go right through me, a light that I knew loved me, cared for me, would never leave me. A light that filled that void that I always knew was there. It went to the top of my head, to the bottom of my feet. Since that day, I have never been the same. My life has been tough since that day and have made some hugely bad decisions, a story for another day but God has always forgiven me.
I love Him so much, there are no words. So God has transformed me from a person who absolutely hated Him who is totally in love with Him. It's ALL by His grace, love and forgiveness that I tell you my story. So, if you know anyone who hates God, take courage. If he can do it to me, He can do it for them!! I owe my entire life to Him. If not for Him, I would not be able to say this, I probably would be dead. For I was blind and now I see.
Hope that this blesses you. Silver and gold, I do not have. But what I do have, I give to you. To God, I give all the glory!!!
I have always been a very, very deep person, as in I think a lot. To be honest, I thought too much. I looked at my own life and hated it. I saw the world and hated it. I saw all the hatred, fighting, murder, famine, wars, disasters etc and hated it.
I looked at myself and never thought I would ever be a success as I was thick and was not confident enough to do anything on my own. I would never have a girlfriend because I was the ugliest person on the planet, I mean, who would ever want me? I wouldn't. I was depressed and hated my life. And who did I blame for this, God. Whenever I could not do work at school and beyond school, I blamed God. If I was shouted at or called names, I would blame God. Whenever I could not have the confidence to go up to a girl and ask her out, I would blame God. I used to see the world and only see its faults and not it good.
I left school and went to college and my hatred for him only grew and grew. I remember once I was shouting at God so passionately and tears of rage poured out of my eyes. I grew depressed, very depressed, to the point on two occasions, I walked to a road and wanted to walk in front of a car because I wanted to die. But when I tried to step out in front of a car, I just couldn't. Fear stopped me. I can't even die properly or the way I want to go, I thought, which made me even more depressed and hated God even more.
I had this void or gap inside my life. I tried to fill it with games, reading, partying, drinking, etc. I would play on the playstation or read books for literally 10/12 hours a day, every day. I would get so into them that I would put myself into the book an like in fantasy to escape the pain of living my life. I remember praying, Someone, anyone, get me into the pages of those books so I can escape this terrible world. Know it sounds crazy, but that is what my life was like back before I was a Christian and it is the way I coped. Some people use drink, drugs, porn, sex, food, friends etc. But I used books and gaming as mine.
And the older I got, the more I hated God. I used to say. "GOD!!! IF YOU ARE SO GOOD AND LOVING WHY IS THE WORLD AS IT IS!!!! WHY DO YOU ALOW CHILD ABUSE, MURDER, FAMINS, ALL THE CRAP IN THIS WORLD. YOU KNOW SOMETHING GOD, THOSE DRUNK AND OFF THERE FACES ON DRUGS WHO WRITE THE BIBLE GOT IT WRONG!!!!! YOU ARE THE DEVIL GOD AND THE DEVIL IS YOU. YOU ARE SO EVIL GOD AND I HATE YOU AND WILL NEVER LOVER AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO LOVE ME. GOD, NEVER ALOW ME TO BECOME A CHRISTIAN". Well all I can say is God likes a challenge and He had one in me. I am being brutally honest in what I used to say and pray to God. It's weird isn't it, as that is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe, that he is sat higher that God. I truly was in the devils camp.
Just to give you an insight of how aggressive I was towards all things God, if anyone talked to me about God, I would threaten them, would say, If you tell we anything about God again, I will knock you the hell out. I hate God and always will, not even God Himself can change my mind about Him. I never want anything to do with that ... well you can think of what I said. The anger, hatred, hurt, paint grew and grew. I was literally at breaking point and if God had not come in when He did, I would not probably be her.
Now, I had completed three years at college and was supposed to finish at the end of the year. But I wanted to finish of the qualification so I went for one more year. God planned it so well. On the first day there, a new guy started the course. We got on instantly. He was funny, nutty guy and full of beans lol. But we also had some deep conversations. So about a month of know him, we started talking about what we were doing after college, I was going to work, then he said he was a Christian and was going to youth service ... !!! W H A T !!! I. Could. Not. Believe. It!!! I was like no you are not. You can't be a Christian. Christians are pathetic losers that sit in pews all day long. They are uncool and are weak minded sheep (again, not realising it was scriptural, we are the sheep, He is the great Shepherd) The judge and hate all who do not believe in there God. It took a long time for me to believe him lol!!
Well me being me, I started drilling him with questions. Why is God allow questions. I was angry at first but all the questions I had, he answered them in a way that I understood. Instead of me being like arrrrr at the answer, I was like hummmm, never thought of it like that. So it became a daily thing that we would have a conversation about Christianity, about why He allows things to happen, that He will not take our free will, that He loves us, about the cross and what it meant. That church is not boring but fun! My hatred had turned from utter hatred towards God, to curiosity.
Then the one of the best words in my life, Then suddenly. Then on the 10/08/07, at about 5:15 pm, I had a conversation with my friend that changed my life and the best sermon I ever heard. I was walking through Touchwood in Solihull and we stood talking to Ray, my friend. It was about how much God loved me and the that God had a perfect plan for my life. I stood there, transfixed to what he was saying. (feeling so emotional at the moment, in a good way because as I always choke up when talking about this) It was really busy and loads of people about but it seemed like it was only me and him there. All the noise was gone apart from his voice and no one was there except him. I felt myself choking up, thinking, I want some of that. Then I felt this light go right through me, a light that I knew loved me, cared for me, would never leave me. A light that filled that void that I always knew was there. It went to the top of my head, to the bottom of my feet. Since that day, I have never been the same. My life has been tough since that day and have made some hugely bad decisions, a story for another day but God has always forgiven me.
I love Him so much, there are no words. So God has transformed me from a person who absolutely hated Him who is totally in love with Him. It's ALL by His grace, love and forgiveness that I tell you my story. So, if you know anyone who hates God, take courage. If he can do it to me, He can do it for them!! I owe my entire life to Him. If not for Him, I would not be able to say this, I probably would be dead. For I was blind and now I see.
Hope that this blesses you. Silver and gold, I do not have. But what I do have, I give to you. To God, I give all the glory!!!
