Trouble in my marriage

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Acook17

New member
Jun 14, 2018
6
7
3
#1
My husband and I have always had a rocky marriage about 3 months into our marriage. I will take blame where blame is do. I started a lot of problems when we’re dating as far as I would threaten to break up with him so he would beg for me back and I always wanted my way. I wasn’t always the best to him. I also was the main one who started the problems quickly into our marriage. He has always been good to me despite all I’ve done until now. He still tries at times to be good to me but I feel like he is tired of me. I do understand I deserve the treatment I get now because I fully caused it but our marriage some days feels unrepairable. We talked VERY harsh to each other (even cussing each other). We hardly ever help each other. I do help him more than he helps me. I get very mad because he never offers to help me with anything but always yells for me to get this and do this. If I refuse I am a horrible wife and lazy. I do often call him lazy too because he just doesn’t do much around the house. He is super messy and doesn’t really clean up after hisself much. I feel like I have to mother him. He never listens to me, but if his mom or dad tell him something he tends to listen to them more. Neither one of us is saved anymore and I know that’s taking a huge toll on us both. I think some of our problems is not being able to forgive each other. I also am extremely jealous and that doesn’t help. I feel now he does what he does as pay back for the way I treated him in the beginning. He has a lot going on right now family wise and his job is very stressful so I know that effects his moods some days. I feel we both want to leave in someways but we have children and don’t want them to suffer. We do love each other but we rarely show each other in the right ways. I want this to work but I don’t see much improvement. We can be good for days and then a huge fight hits.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
113
#2
Welcome to CC, Acook17...
This will sound judgmental, but it's not; I've been through a divorce, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Allow me to put a difficult question before you: Which do you love more, your husband, or your sin? Please don't write your answer here; ponder it carefully and take it to Jesus. It sounds like neither of you has truly repented of your sin. Until you do, and you ask Jesus to change you (not your spouse), you're in for a rocky ride. However, with Jesus working in both of you, there is hope for wonderful reconciliation and change for the (much) better. :)
 

Aerials1978

Well-known member
Dec 10, 2019
1,707
986
113
#3
My husband and I have always had a rocky marriage about 3 months into our marriage. I will take blame where blame is do. I started a lot of problems when we’re dating as far as I would threaten to break up with him so he would beg for me back and I always wanted my way. I wasn’t always the best to him. I also was the main one who started the problems quickly into our marriage. He has always been good to me despite all I’ve done until now. He still tries at times to be good to me but I feel like he is tired of me. I do understand I deserve the treatment I get now because I fully caused it but our marriage some days feels unrepairable. We talked VERY harsh to each other (even cussing each other). We hardly ever help each other. I do help him more than he helps me. I get very mad because he never offers to help me with anything but always yells for me to get this and do this. If I refuse I am a horrible wife and lazy. I do often call him lazy too because he just doesn’t do much around the house. He is super messy and doesn’t really clean up after hisself much. I feel like I have to mother him. He never listens to me, but if his mom or dad tell him something he tends to listen to them more. Neither one of us is saved anymore and I know that’s taking a huge toll on us both. I think some of our problems is not being able to forgive each other. I also am extremely jealous and that doesn’t help. I feel now he does what he does as pay back for the way I treated him in the beginning. He has a lot going on right now family wise and his job is very stressful so I know that effects his moods some days. I feel we both want to leave in someways but we have children and don’t want them to suffer. We do love each other but we rarely show each other in the right ways. I want this to work but I don’t see much improvement. We can be good for days and then a huge fight hits.
Welcome to CC, Acook17...
This will sound judgmental, but it's not; I've been through a divorce, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Allow me to put a difficult question before you: Which do you love more, your husband, or your sin? Please don't write your answer here; ponder it carefully and take it to Jesus. It sounds like neither of you has truly repented of your sin. Until you do, and you ask Jesus to change you (not your spouse), you're in for a rocky ride. However, with Jesus working in both of you, there is hope for wonderful reconciliation and change for the (much) better. :)
Hello. I truly understand your hardship and the feelings you both are having. My Wife and separated about 3 months ago. Much of this was due to my failing as a Husband. I took for granted her love and companionship. I was also living in wicked sin(Not adultery). The Lord allowed my marriage to fail because of this. He needed to gain my attention, and that He has. Pray for your Husband and also pray yourself. When you do speak to each other be kind and hold the tongue no matter how much you want say certain things. Have a casual conversation to take the focus off anything negative. Above all place your trust in Jesus. As a witness and living person I can testify that Christ Himself had heard my cries and has given me grace. Find again the reason you fell in love with him. See him as the sweetheart you gave yourself in marriage to. See him as the Father of your Children. I pray that our Father who is all about the reconciliation of broken people will have grace upon your family. My the Lord of Hosts be at your side!
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
12,000
3,588
113
#4
My husband and I have always had a rocky marriage about 3 months into our marriage. I will take blame where blame is do. I started a lot of problems when we’re dating as far as I would threaten to break up with him so he would beg for me back and I always wanted my way. I wasn’t always the best to him. I also was the main one who started the problems quickly into our marriage. He has always been good to me despite all I’ve done until now. He still tries at times to be good to me but I feel like he is tired of me. I do understand I deserve the treatment I get now because I fully caused it but our marriage some days feels unrepairable. We talked VERY harsh to each other (even cussing each other). We hardly ever help each other. I do help him more than he helps me. I get very mad because he never offers to help me with anything but always yells for me to get this and do this. If I refuse I am a horrible wife and lazy. I do often call him lazy too because he just doesn’t do much around the house. He is super messy and doesn’t really clean up after hisself much. I feel like I have to mother him. He never listens to me, but if his mom or dad tell him something he tends to listen to them more. Neither one of us is saved anymore and I know that’s taking a huge toll on us both. I think some of our problems is not being able to forgive each other. I also am extremely jealous and that doesn’t help. I feel now he does what he does as pay back for the way I treated him in the beginning. He has a lot going on right now family wise and his job is very stressful so I know that effects his moods some days. I feel we both want to leave in someways but we have children and don’t want them to suffer. We do love each other but we rarely show each other in the right ways. I want this to work but I don’t see much improvement. We can be good for days and then a huge fight hits.
Greetings,
I can appreciate and empathize with your scenario and your struggle...
The good news is that you are aware of your role and that your reaching-out here to a Christian forum is indicative of your acknowledgement that you and your husband are in need help and reinvigorating your family's faith and spirituality...
This time of year is a great opportunity to seize the opportunity to embrace the numerous Christian based festivities and use this opportunity to bury the hatchet and extend the olive branch...

Break the ice by asking your husband if you will prayer with you every evening before going to bed... Here is a great resource...
Today's Marriage Prayer - A New Prayer Daily

I would further suggest that you both follow-up with these seasonal opportunities to seek Christian based marriage counseling.

Good luck and God Bless
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#5
First off, welcome aboard.
I hope you both are practicing Christians if not get in a church.
So I hope I can be frank with you.
I appreciate your honesty. Now my question is can you be honest with him? It sounds as if you have been a toxic instigator in your marriage and you know it. And knowing is half the battle. The good thing is that you sound repentant, so it's just a matter of putting it into action. The next time you have a private time with your husband take his hand and say, I love you. Tell him you are sorry for all your faults in the marriage (do not mention his) tell him you want to fix it and save your marriage. His initial response will be to prepare to defend himself and argue but don't bring up his faults at all. Tell him how insecurities drove you to instigate. Dump your purse in his lap and apologize punctuate ever paragraph with I love you and you are a good man. Then take him to the bedroom and have intimate love making. And from then on when you have the desire to instigate an argument, just say hey honey, I want you to know that I love you. Every time you see him touch him, and tell him the same, don't walk by me that you don't touch me.

I have been married 24 years now, and we had some rough patches, one day I heard a preacher on the radio say she needs x amount of touches per day and x amount of I love you per day. So I decided that it I go with in arms reach I touch her, when I see her walk into a room that she is in I say I love you, and a don't leave the house that I don't hug her.
This is the advice I would give him.
 

pam4him

Junior Member
Jan 10, 2017
23
6
3
#6
I'm guessing there was something that drew you together to have dated and married. The challenge is to find that something and recapture how it made you love each other. I would strongly encourage marriage counseling, and perhaps some individual counseling as well. It sounds like there may be something in your past that hurt you deeply to keep creating jealousy situations. Perhaps, for now, if he is having family problems, have a conversation about how you can support him through this. Changing the attention to the stressor and working to deal with it could bring you closer to each other. When that issue is addressed, consider working on another. It will take commitment from both of you, and at the least you will be setting a good example for the children on how to negotiate and work things out. Prayers for wisdom, guidance and peace.
 

3angelsmsg

Junior Member
Mar 1, 2018
610
649
93
#7
Hi Acook17,

Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Please, do not give up on your marriage. It starts with you. You will need to start trusting God first and allowing our Heavenly Father to restore you as whole person (Psalm 23:3 He restored my soul, he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.)

My words would be difficult to understand. But your happiness should never been linked to 'how your husband treats you or what he does or doesn't do for you'.

Because there is lots of things we have to unlearn. Happiness comes from squarely from God alone. Happiness can also be translated as righteousness. Having right standing with God, making peace with Him.

And a scripture that stands out for is Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil. To get you an expected end.

Forgiveness is possible, if you understand the right way of forgiveness. Many times, when people sin. We think that the sin is committed against us. And we feel that the other person should come and ask forgive from us. But that is not the true way of forgiveness. The sin was transgressed against God. God is the only person that can forgive sin. He alone is the lawgiver. And we can try to forgive. We can forgive small sins but the heavier sins we struggle with. So it is great relieve if we know only God can forgive. And the important thing also is that we ought to have compassion on the person. My advice would be that you pray to God that He will pour compassion for your husband in your heart.

And understand your identity of being a created being. Meaning you are a steward of God's possession. And God is our creator. Your life, your body, money, house and everything else is not yours. It belongs to God. And according to the law of life. To have true happiness you should take from God and share with those around you. To give brings the best feeling in the world. Like you said, you do more for your husband and he just want to take from you. You need to take from God and to take from God means you pray. And everything you do should be unselfish.
 

Aerials1978

Well-known member
Dec 10, 2019
1,707
986
113
#8
Hi Acook17,

Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Please, do not give up on your marriage. It starts with you. You will need to start trusting God first and allowing our Heavenly Father to restore you as whole person (Psalm 23:3 He restored my soul, he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.)

My words would be difficult to understand. But your happiness should never been linked to 'how your husband treats you or what he does or doesn't do for you'.

Because there is lots of things we have to unlearn. Happiness comes from squarely from God alone. Happiness can also be translated as righteousness. Having right standing with God, making peace with Him.

And a scripture that stands out for is Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil. To get you an expected end.

Forgiveness is possible, if you understand the right way of forgiveness. Many times, when people sin. We think that the sin is committed against us. And we feel that the other person should come and ask forgive from us. But that is not the true way of forgiveness. The sin was transgressed against God. God is the only person that can forgive sin. He alone is the lawgiver. And we can try to forgive. We can forgive small sins but the heavier sins we struggle with. So it is great relieve if we know only God can forgive. And the important thing also is that we ought to have compassion on the person. My advice would be that you pray to God that He will pour compassion for your husband in your heart.

And understand your identity of being a created being. Meaning you are a steward of God's possession. And God is our creator. Your life, your body, money, house and everything else is not yours. It belongs to God. And according to the law of life. To have true happiness you should take from God and share with those around you. To give brings the best feeling in the world. Like you said, you do more for your husband and he just want to take from you. You need to take from God and to take from God means you pray. And everything you do should be unselfish.
I completely agree. We can’t have a relationship with anyone when we are broken and lost. It’s like the blind leading the blind.
 
K

Kim82

Guest
#10
Break the ice by asking your husband if you will prayer with you every evening before going to bed... Here is a great resource...
Shouldn't they recommit their life back to God before praying every night before bed?

And how will they pray together before bed at night? Do they both go to sleep at the same time?

By the way, does the husband seems like he is interested in prayer?
 
K

Kim82

Guest
#11
And from then on when you have the desire to instigate an argument, just say hey honey, I want you to know that I love you.
Exactly the point I was making in my thread about getting the mouth under control and speaking words of love.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
12,000
3,588
113
#12
Shouldn't they recommit their life back to God before praying every night before bed?

And how will they pray together before bed at night? Do they both go to sleep at the same time?

By the way, does the husband seems like he is interested in prayer?
a - Yes... initiating prayer is merely a practical means to that end...
b - I view the world thru the lens of an 'optimist' for every problem there is a solution... If she goes to bed earlier than him than she could kindly ask if he would be so kind to join her in a daily marriage prayer (link provided in my previous response) before she goes to bed.
c - Agree, he does not seem interested in prayer... He only seems interested in satisfying his own needs (at the time and place of his convenience - not hers)... The challenge is in finding a way to break him from his self-centered way of life and selfish view of marriage - if this union is hopeful of perseverance and salvation...

I do not pretend to have all the answers and can only pray that the OP will be able to grasp something useful from the breadth and depth of all the well meaning suggestions for her consideration... God Bless
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
12,000
3,588
113
#13
@Kim82 Sorry, missed the 5 minute edit... This is the version I had hoped to update...
a - Yes... initiating prayer is merely a practical means to that end...
b - I view the world thru the lens of an 'optimist' for every problem there is a solution... If she goes to bed earlier than him than she could kindly ask if he would be so kind to join her in a daily marriage prayer (link provided in my previous response) before she goes to bed.
c - Agree, he does not seem interested in prayer...

I do not pretend to have all the answers and can only pray that the OP will be able to grasp something useful from the breadth and depth of all the well meaning suggestions for her consideration... God Bless
 

Nlackey

New member
Jul 15, 2018
4
3
3
#14
a - Yes... initiating prayer is merely a practical means to that end...
b - I view the world thru the lens of an 'optimist' for every problem there is a solution... If she goes to bed earlier than him than she could kindly ask if he would be so kind to join her in a daily marriage prayer (link provided in my previous response) before she goes to bed.
c - Agree, he does not seem interested in prayer... He only seems interested in satisfying his own needs (at the time and place of his convenience - not hers)... The challenge is in finding a way to break him from his self-centered way of life and selfish view of marriage - if this union is hopeful of perseverance and salvation...

I do not pretend to have all the answers and can only pray that the OP will be able to grasp something useful from the breadth and depth of all the well meaning suggestions for her consideration... God Bless
It is really difficult when one turns away and the other wants to work on it. Your feedback is helpful. I pray we all work on our marriages. It is so sad to not have love
 
Jun 1, 2019
2
0
1
#15
It sounds like it's been a difficult relationship. Sounds like you guys have a lot of misunderstanding and disagreements. This is definitely not healthy for your marriage or your children. I would try to see if you come to an agreement of some of these things. Sitting and talking things through. It may seem like a challenge but I would give it a try and see if sitting and talking about this person about how it makes me feel when the person does xxx thing. Also, I would seek advice form a marriage and family therapist. I would talk to the Lord and ask Him to show you a sign about what is the next step in your marriage.
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,927
1,259
113
#16
I see ur not often on the site, but let me just say, where I live, divorce isn't acceptable, just as I think it isn't to our Lord. We may have family troubles, but how often we hear With God nothing is impossible. But the first step is seeking God, not running away from Him.
I neither condemn or judge those who have to go thru that, but in a praying wife forum ive been a part of, mentors encourage each wife to continue being faithful and praying for the relationship, being the covenant wife (even w/ infidelity). There have really been reconciliations, wc I believe would increase if we remain steadfast to Christ's teachings abt love as taught in Scripture.. being patient and kind, never jealous, envious or proud... not holding grudges, covering all wrongs, always believing in him... standing our ground in defending the loved one, etc. None easy, but we were not promised a bed of roses as a believer in Christ. A friend even mentioned that Marriage wasn't meant for happiness, but for holiness, as seeing it that way means we're considering the other's welfare/happiness more than our own.
 
Jan 27, 2020
1
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#17
Hi ACook17,

Grace to you and peace. I do not judge you. Satan attacks marriages of believers even more so I think. Be not surprised that both of you are being attacked regularly by powers of darkness. I urge you to begin to truly believe that. They want to destroy your union. And they dont want you to know they are doing it. Fighting and cussing in marriage happen more often than people will admit, especially church members. Dont feel so isolated sister. Its just real to life struggles of sin. I do hear much fussing and biting and judging and reciprocal attack and defend and feeling the need to be justified and rewarded and much desperation for selfish gains. Over small things if you stand back and think on it. These things are symptoms and they will never stop. Only the root must be addressed. God knows you desire resolution. But the answer is not what either of you seem to think it is. Your husband will only remedy his ways by surrendering his will to the Lord and be transformed by His power. He must do this for Gods sake only. Not for your sake. Then with time, God will show him how to love you accordingly in a way you have not seen. This cant be forced. Its Gods timing and how long it takes to do His work on someone is a mystery. And in the same manner, you can only do the same by surrendering yourself to God. And allow him to do a work in you. And transform you. You must do it for God, not for him. Regardless if he does it or not. Because we cannot make another do anything. But see your need for God. See your own ways. Your own words. Your own thoughts and behaviors. See that Gods Spirit far away from those things. Whomever does it first will have the most difficulty to deal with other non-surrendered person. But God has made provision for this and will give you strength. And will direct your ways that it would effect your husband in a good way to maybe help draw him that he will see his need for God too by seeing your transformation. When you give up yourself to God, you can pray for him daily. And you know you are close to God if you are sad because he is away from God and you want him to have the joy and peace you have. I imagine you may not have a strong desire to surrender. But ask God daily to give you that desire. Say "Lord I want my ways, I know its wrong and I should give you my all, but its hard, I dont feel it, I dont desire to read your word or pray, please help me, lead me, so that I can desire you more and more each day until I do give you my all, show me how" Pray that often. He will work in you. God does not leave you or forsake you when you believe in Jesus. Even though you think you are not saved. God does not abandon his children. Go to church, walk up to a graceful woman who seems surrendered to God and ask her pray for your heart, that God would draw it close to Him. Tell her youve been far away. Ask her to pray for you every day. That is the right path to fixing your marriage. God bless you sister. Peace to you.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
113
#18
My wife and i have been married 20 years. There have been times when we weren't getting along. It seems like comments are antagonistic. Simple discussion easily turns into an argument. You don't enjoy talking any more. Nerves may be raw. talking becomes a burden rather than a joy. Fortunately, we have gotten out of that. How do you get back to where you enjoy each other again? Well, it is possible. i'll tell you how we did it.

Usually this kind of thing happened in our marriage when we went through stress. Stress could be brought on by moving, unemployment, pregnancy, living with in-laws for a while, or living in a foreign country. My wife is from another country so we experienced all of those at once and went through a tough time like this. The last time we experienced that, we had just moved. Once we went through that when she was pregnant and I was really busy in grad school.

What caused our relationship to get off like this? Many times, we got into a cycle where she'd want to talk a lot when we had a lot to do and I was under stress. I didn't want to sit around and talk. i wanted to get stuff done. She'd feel not listened to, and get irritated with me. It felt like she was harping at me, speaking harshly. I didn't want to hear her talk. it was an emotional drain. She'd feel rejected. I don't know if it started with me. Sometimes, my wife talks a little too loud for my tastes or whatever, so that could start the cycle. However it happens, her talking would irritate me, and me not wanting to listen would irritate her. Then it gets worse and worse until it's easy to argue or you just feel like you are having conversations with someone who is an opponent and not on your side.

Once she got really oppositional like this when she was pregnant and anything turned into an argument. I didn't feel like I'd brought it on by the way I acted, though I did try to avoid the arguing. I prayed about that one, a long list of things, and she came back to me apologizing a few days and telling me how the Lord had spoken to her about most of the points on my long detailed list of prayers about her. Two points she brought up a few weeks alter. that was a really good reset in our relationship as she learned to be more respectful after the Lord had dealt with her about that.

We never cussed each other, though.

So how did we get out of they cycle? most of the time I'd tell her we couldn't argue like that anymore. I'd suggest we spend time in prayer, ask God or help in reconciling together in prayer-humble ourselves and each confess our own sins to God and each other.

My wife is a woman of prayer, but at times in the past when I'd suggest this, she did not like the idea because she didn't just want to pray and go through the motions, or she'd be kind of accusatory like assuming I was just going to say words and not do it (as if it were all me causing the problem.)

But I talked her into doing it, and then each of us would confess our own shortcomings. the last time we moved, i remember telling her how I wanted her to know I cared about her and was on her side, and wanted to be able to listen to her and enjoy that that really sunk in. She likes being listened to.

If you start off telling what your partner did wrong, it isn't likely to work, not if you are in the habit of blaming and accusing one another and being defensive. You have to repent and forgive before you tell your husband what he did wrong. At least that is the way it is for us.

I can think of three or four times in our marriage we've gotten into this 'crazy cycle' (as Eggerich's book Love and Respect) calls it where a conversation like this and prayer got us on the right track. Another time was when I asked the Lord to speak to my wife when she seemed to get kind of mean when she was pregnant once, and then she turned sweet. We prayed together about that, too, but she started confessing and asking forgiveness without me suggesting this method of prayer that time.

As a wife, one of your duties in Ephesians is to respect your husband. The word there in Greek can literally be translated 'fear' and is used in the phrase 'fear of the Lord.' It is also translated 'reverence' in some translations. You should have a deep respect for your husband, and that should manifest itself by not cussing him, not speaking harshly to him. The Bible tells Timothy, who appointed elders, not to rebuke an elder, but to entreat him as a father. These men were older than Timothy, and he had to be careful how he spoke to them. Children should be careful how they speak to their parents, and wives should be careful how they speak to their husbands. A wife should not just angrily express herself to her husbands. Christians should not have fits of rage, and a wife should be submissive and show respect to her husband.

A lot of arguments in marriage come because wives do not submit to their husbands. If they were in submission, in some cases, they would recognize the husband has a right to make a decision, so they would gently entreat instead of arguing or demanding.

And the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. A husband's attitude toward his wife should be one of honor and love. His attitude in decision-making should be self-sacrificial when it comes to his wife. Paul referred to Christ washing the church with the water of the word in his discussion on marriage, and husbands should speak the word of God to their wives.

If you wanted to, you could read this post to your husband. You could also just do your part and confess your sin to him, and to God. Confess yours in to him? Jesus said if your brother sins against you rebuke him. if he repents, forgive him. in the teachings of Jesus, we are to deal with other believers when it comes to sins against each other. If someone is offering a gift in the temple at the alter and remembers his brother has something against him, he is to leave the gift and go be reconciled to his brother.

If you told your husband that as a wife, you should speak to him respectfully and not yell at him, cuss him, etc., and you wanted to ask his forgiveness for saying such and such to him, and not having a submissive attitude toward him about such and such, and not reverencing him as a husband, that might change his attitude. If he forgives you, then he might be in a place for you to very gently tell him you did not like the way he spoke to you when .... whatever the case is. But I think it is better if you approach this as a time of prayer where your intention is to confess your sins to one another, ask forgiveness of one another and of God together in prayer.

In my experience, this really works. It is very possible to 'reset' your relationship where conversations are enjoyable and do not consist of brief 'cold shoulder' comments are a time bomb waiting to explode into an argument.