Troubles with the father in law

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_Ragdoll_

Guest
#1
#1
My husband and I are expecting our second child in about two weeks. My father in law is a very complicated individual who causes a lot of drama with the family. We already have a son, who will very soon be turning 3. We have recently had a little bit of a falling out with my FIL because of how he acts around and towards our son. He lies, makes promises he knows he can't or won't keep to him and although my son is very young, he is also very bright and understands whats going on and is hurt by how his grandfather is treating him.

We told him a few weeks ago that we felt like we were being taken advantage of, because when it comes to his other grandchildren he can easily get to there houses and come play with them... but he expects us to drive to his house everytime, or give him gas money, or let him come stay the night and cater to his every need if our son wants to see him. half the time when we do arrange to meet up with him, he will cancel last minute saying he has a migraine or some other excuse, but then will end up at the other kids houses later that day, with no problem. Now, I should clarify the fact that he doe not live that far from us. It is the same distance from our house to the other kids houses. We have tried our best to keep him involved in our kid's life, but he just seems to act like it's a great inconveince all the time.

Now, here is my real question I guess...
My FIL emailed my husband yesterday saying something to the effect of "i know she will be delivering soon... would you please let me know when she goes into labor so i can be there to see the chlid born."

First off, I am not going to be "going into labor" since we know for anatomical reasons that I have to have a c-section. Obviously, He would not be allowed to be in the room to see the child born.

This has been a very complicated pregnancy, and because of this fact we have asked all, but a very few, to wait and see us and the baby until we have come home.

I am having a very hard time right now trying to hold my tongue and be a "good wife" about how I truly feel about having him around at the hospital when I know I will be in such a position as I will be in.

Does this seem selfish of me? I mean, I want my children to have a relationship with my FIL, but I know that when he does come, he causes a lot of un-needed drama that I just don't know I will have the strength to deal with after surgery and such a long complicated pregnancy.

I have even considered letting him go ahead and come to the hospital but meeting my husband in the common nursery so that he won't have to come into my actual room. He will still get to see the baby, get to see my husband, but I won't have to be put in a position that I am going to be uncomfortable with....

Advice would be greatly appreciated....
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#2
#2
Healthy boundries...
Nothing wrong with setting them.

Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel.

I write down how I feel...
and then try to find a nice way to reword it.
Don't hold it all in...you might get bitter.


My brother-in-law always wanted to be in the middle of our family matters.
I had to tell him I get overwhelmed...if too many people are involved.
It was nice that he wanted to be there,
It is just that I needed to make things more simple for me.
Like giving birth...if I could I would have liked to just have my husband in the room.

My prayers go out to you and your family.
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#3
#3
You need to pray for how to help your husband grow to be able to ask his father for what you as a couple need (like privacy and self-determination). (Gen 2:24) Believe it or not, FIL might even like seeing his son mature this direction.
 
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loveme1

Senior Member
#4
Oct 30, 2011
8,086
190
63
#4
May Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah comfort you and protect you.

Kindly explain that you will be having a c-section and would prefer it to be just you and your husband.. here in uk only one person may accompany the lady, could be different in usa.

He may want to check on you also to see you are doing well afterwards.. if you think that you really won't be up for him visiting you in your room then, your husband could introduce his grandchild like you say in the nursery.



Forgive him and see if the arrival does not bring about a fresh start for you all.


If it continues then explain how your son is becoming upset with the behavior.

In all fairness migraines can go as quickly as they come..

Maybe your father in law breaks promises to the other gran kids from time to time..


It is nice that he wants to see the baby born, shows he is interested.

Peace and Blessings in the name of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.
 
R

_Ragdoll_

Guest
#5
#5
I just don't like how he's only "interested" in our kids when it's convenient for, not just him, but his other grandkids. I hold nothing against the other children or grandkids... I just hate seeing my son so upset when his grandfather lies straight to his face and is constantly breaking promises. It would be more understandable, his excuses... except he'll claim he'll have a migraine, or no money and no gas... so he can't come over, he can't meet us, can't see our son, but then 15 minutes later we find out he's managed to make it over to one of the other kids houses to do something with them... i'm sorry... i suffer from migraines too, and they can come and go pretty quickly, but not that quickly... and this isn't an every once in a while thing, this is what happens about 95% of the time. how can he expect us to be ok with him treating our son like this?

and then he goes and tells everyone all these lies about how he's done "so much for us during this pregnancy." like that he's bought us a crib, and all these supplies, and that he's over at the house all the time helping me take care of my son while i'm on bedrest sick... and it's just flat out lies. He hasn't been involved in this pregnancy AT ALL... he hasn't bought us anything (not that we need anything, just for reference) and he's NEVER ONCE been to the house to help, even though there have been times we've begged him for his help... i have been put on bedrest, been in and out of the hospital, had two small procedures during this pregnancy, and he's not been there for us once.

He doesn't want to meet my husband and newborn in the nursery, he wants to be in my room... i'm not comfortable with this. I will have just had surgery, after a horrible and complicated pregnancy... sometimes it takes all of my energy and patience to hold my tongue and not say anything when he acts the way he does.... but NO. he wants to be allowed in the room, to stay as long as he wants or not come at all. I'm sorry, but this is MY BODY, OUR BABY, OUR CHOICE... you'd think if he wanted to see the baby that bad he'd take whatever we allow? Right?

correct me if i'm wrong.

It's a fine line trying to balance protecting my son from unneccessary hurt and suffering and trying to keep the lines of communication open with him. Anymore, we just have to keep our son "out of the know" of plans that are made, that way if it does happen it's a big suprise and if it doesn't happen, well, he's none the wiser...

I do pray constantly for peace and understanding on the situation... This time I'm just at my wits end and being put in a position that i'm not comfortable with.
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#6
#6
_Ragdoll_ said:
I just don't like how he's only "interested" in our kids when it's convenient for, not just him, but his other grandkids. I hold nothing against the other children or grandkids... I just hate seeing my son so upset when his grandfather lies straight to his face and is constantly breaking promises. It would be more understandable, his excuses... except he'll claim he'll have a migraine, or no money and no gas... so he can't come over, he can't meet us, can't see our son, but then 15 minutes later we find out he's managed to make it over to one of the other kids houses to do something with them... i'm sorry... i suffer from migraines too, and they can come and go pretty quickly, but not that quickly... and this isn't an every once in a while thing, this is what happens about 95% of the time. how can he expect us to be ok with him treating our son like this?

and then he goes and tells everyone all these lies about how he's done "so much for us during this pregnancy." like that he's bought us a crib, and all these supplies, and that he's over at the house all the time helping me take care of my son while i'm on bedrest sick... and it's just flat out lies. He hasn't been involved in this pregnancy AT ALL... he hasn't bought us anything (not that we need anything, just for reference) and he's NEVER ONCE been to the house to help, even though there have been times we've begged him for his help... i have been put on bedrest, been in and out of the hospital, had two small procedures during this pregnancy, and he's not been there for us once.

He doesn't want to meet my husband and newborn in the nursery, he wants to be in my room... i'm not comfortable with this. I will have just had surgery, after a horrible and complicated pregnancy... sometimes it takes all of my energy and patience to hold my tongue and not say anything when he acts the way he does.... but NO. he wants to be allowed in the room, to stay as long as he wants or not come at all. I'm sorry, but this is MY BODY, OUR BABY, OUR CHOICE... you'd think if he wanted to see the baby that bad he'd take whatever we allow? Right?

correct me if i'm wrong.

It's a fine line trying to balance protecting my son from unneccessary hurt and suffering and trying to keep the lines of communication open with him. Anymore, we just have to keep our son "out of the know" of plans that are made, that way if it does happen it's a big suprise and if it doesn't happen, well, he's none the wiser...

I do pray constantly for peace and understanding on the situation... This time I'm just at my wits end and being put in a position that i'm not comfortable with.
Click to expand...
Depression does cause migraines, maybe because he has no money to drive he gets depressed.
(And his other extended family offers him gas money? That's why he can go there?)
I know my mom comes to my house more because I make it easy for her.
I have to talk her into coming over. And I pamper her when she is here.
I drive and pick her up and take her home.

I never thought about how it looked to other family members.
Thank you for the insight, maybe I should offer to drive her to my siblings houses sometimes.

Would it be too much trouble for your husband to drive your son to his grandpa's house.
Or can you offer gas money?
You should talk to the extended family and see if they can pick up your son.
Tell them how he feels being left out.

I will be praying that things balance out for you and your son.
Love in Jesus, Shekaniah
 
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