Turned to salt

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Mediate

Mediate

Banned
Dec 14, 2009
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So, here's my problem, in a chronological order of events, cause I'm feeling logical today:

I am born (not really a problem in itself, I'm happy I got borned).

3 days later - My friend is borned.

We spend 6 years joined at the hip.

Age 6 - I move away.

Age 19 - We get back in contact. She's really, really hot. We talk about practically everything, have all the same interests, and she's goofy, like me. I help her with things and she asks me for advice. We have some fun days out and things.

She's engaged. She hates it because he doesn't treat her right.

I'm a bit of a rock for her. We support each other in things. And it's always kept easy and without pressure.

About ten months after meeting for the first time again, we go out for our first proper night out, dancing and acting fools, and the next morning she ends her engagement.

So we keep it friendly, her relationship was quite long. And as much as I am attracted to her, and as much as we get on really well, I feel it would be too early to pounce, and she says quite plainly that she isn't into a relationship for a while.

2 months and several meet ups later, we kiss. We share our pasts. Missing years, nostalgia. Cuddle up. She cries, I cry. We laugh. Have a really great night and I realise, I'm in love with this girl.

So about 3 days later she meets a new guy out of the blue. I'm shocked. They are officially in a relationship. So ours suffers. She stops making plans, stops sticking to plans we do make, eventually stops initiating contact altogether. I start to get peeved. Say some things I shouldn't. We have an argument or two.

So after another two months she's broken up with this guy who she never stopped complaining and moaning about.. And now she's completely impartial to our relationship. And I'm in a rut. I don't feel like strong, rock, cool, fun guy anymore. I feel like loved up pathetic loser guy. It sucks.

Thoughts?
 
I don't know about you, but 'not being attracted to me' is like my number one turn off lol

Do you think you can flip the switch to just seeing her as a friend?
 
I'm sorry I don't quite follow that 'not being attracted to me' part.

I think it's quite a biased view to think that I should just 'switch it off'.
 
Didn't say 'should' I simply asked if you can.

The first part simply means that someone not being interested in dating me helps me stop being interested in dating them. Clearly they have poor judgment.

That was a joke.
 
Lol I have to laugh at the one-uppery and sarcasm people put across when giving advice. But yea you should definitely be a counsellor. I think you were made for it lol
 
All joking aside. I see what you say. But no unfortunately I don't think I can pretend not to care about someone. At least not for any prolonged length of time. I can try for a while, but it won't last.

I am not a hundred percent sure that she isn't attracted to me. I look at other women, she gets curious, 'do you really fancy her?', that kind of thing. Maybe even a little envious. We share physical contact often when we are together. She laughs a lot. She hits me a lot.

She basically, is a woman who can blow very hot, and very cold. Which irritates me to no end. It seems she is perhaps even a little childish.

It doesn't take away from the fact that it is fantastic on good days. But, as I am coming to realise, I need to learn to love what's good for me. And she, unfortunately, almost certainly isn't.
 
What effect do you think an ultimatum would have?

If you said to her plainly that you are interested in dating her, not just being her friend...and if she isn't on board with that idea then hop off!

I mean, she's been in multiple relationships since you reunited, but you haven't indicated that there's been anyone else for you. So you're holding a candle for her while she just does whatever. Either she doesn't know how seriously interested you are (your fault) or she's selfish and stupid (her fault).

What do you think?
 
To be quite honest, if I gave this woman an ultimatum, she'd ignore it and probably not call or text again lol when you put it like that, I'm being an idiot. I've tried explaining that she's pushing me away but it seems to have no effect except to make her more cocky. She wasn't like that before. I was all she had. And I was a great friend/confidant/fun guy, just as she was. As soon as it gets rough, or I'm the one with a problem, she turns cold. she has a wider circle of friends now (largely down to me pressing her to chase what she wants), so I'm surplus to requirements perhaps.

But yea, I mean ultimatums aren't cool. It screams needy if we're both honest. 'Play with me or else your not my friend', kinda thing. I'm being a typical, overly-patient, hopeless idiot, and she's being really selfish, blind and neurotic.

I think I need to man up, shake off the dust, get back to the gym, grab a girl and just say au revoir. Was nice knowing you, but in all honesty, you're selfish.
 
It sucks, but I'm becoming this weedy needo and I don't like being in someone's pocket, at all. I'm independent and horrible situations like this are largely why I am that way.

I love her a lot. But she's too much like hard work and I avoid relationships like this generally. She's the first person I've opened up to in about three years, so it sucks more than a litle bit to have to make a decision like that, and it doesn't exactly fill me with confidence about the opposite sex.

But, I can't keep on like this.
 
This may sound cold, but I sometimes think of these sorts of things as 'practice.'

Before I could meet my husband, there were things I needed to learn and things I needed to go through. They were mostly devastating at the time, but once the wounds began to heal I could see the lesson more clearly and apply it to the next relationship. Like one relationship taught me that I am not cut out for being 'the one in charge of everything.' Another taught me that I have a nasty habit of downplaying my feelings for someone to others. Another taught me that distance is a big problem- emotional or geographical. So on and so forth.

There were so many things I didn't realize were a problem until a relationship tanked because of them. Problems with me. Problems with my view of relationships. Problems with my choices. Until those things were fixed, I simply wasn't ready for something real like I have with my husband. It meant not getting married until I was 30, but it takes as long as it takes. I would've waited until 40 or 50 if that's what was required to NOT have a horrible marriage.

There's nothing anyone can say that will make this hurt less, but it's not the end of the road, mate.
 
No I completely get that. I mean, yea it's a little logical and harsh, and it makes you think about how the world is a bit pants at times, but yea, it is a learning curve and it takes time.

You know, I've gone past having this image of perfect, romantic love and I'm starting to see. It isn't that at all. I can have a bad day when I meet someone and they will instantly not like me. I could meet that person for the first time on a good day and they could fall head over heels. It's all down to time. I believe that if you really take the time, to get to know someone, to really get to know them, that's the only way it can work.

It does feel relieving to realise that it isn't the end of the world. As sucky as it is, what with us being childhood friends, I had the whole FATE head on. But yea, that's life.
 
Mediate said:
As soon as it gets rough, or I'm the one with a problem, she turns cold.
Click to expand...

You've got it. She doesn't love you like she should (as a friend), or else this wouldn't happen. She definitely doesn't love you "like that". She DOES love the fact that you support and love her, however. She loves what she can get out of you.

To be honest, it sounds like you've arrived at this conclusion already, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway. Even if she comes running back and says she wants to date you... don't do it. She has shown you her heart, and it's not as "hot" as the rest of her.
 
Yea I mean that's clearly what the situation is. She loves the attention that I give her, whether negative or positive, it affirms that someone wants her and this gives her faux-confidence in herself. But as happens, it's also turned her into this cold shallow person and she's forgotten why we were even friends in the first place.

I know she definitely doesn't love me like that. In a previous relationship I'd have let her stew and left her alone, to 'realise what she missed', but as you say, the heart shows more than the words do. And actions lie louder than the tongue does. She won't change, she'll only feel needy and want that attention back. She won't 'love me for me'.

It's slightly saddening because I am a very giving person and someone who will the the time and make the effort to repay my trust will get a lot for what they put in. It is not a massive request on someone to ask to be valued enough that they might appreciate, and sometimes even reciprocate what they get from me.

It does become a problem when it is taken for granted and her feelings about something are the only ones that matter.

And like you say, it's all for her and none for me.
 
This in itself makes me deeply deeply sad because this might actually be the closest I've come to taking time, pacing myself and genuinely trying to do the best thing at every turn. So it does leave me with some valuable lessons. But all the same, the world feels a bit more cold and hopeless.
 
The world will always be cold and hopeless. But if you eventually meet a girl who's got Jesus on the inside, and He shines all through her... you will have found a good thing. God bless. :D
 
PopClick said:
You've got it. She doesn't love you like she should (as a friend), or else this wouldn't happen. She definitely doesn't love you "like that". She DOES love the fact that you support and love her, however. She loves what she can get out of you.

To be honest, it sounds like you've arrived at this conclusion already, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway. Even if she comes running back and says she wants to date you... don't do it. She has shown you her heart, and it's not as "hot" as the rest of her.
Click to expand...


Dude,She is just not into you,please just let her go for your hearts sake and for your own calm peacefully peace of mind,you can not [fall] or [enter]into [LOVE] in 72 hours ,it just does not work that way Scripture says in Proverbs To Gaurd Your Heart For From It Is The Well Spring Of Life.

bee blessed allways amen.
 
Look, I can relate to a lot of that, Its not something easy, and you just can't 'get over it' because real love is a heavy thing. There usually is no quick easy way out of these things because its love.

I would tell you that its okay to love yourself first and formost! Its okay to be selfish and think of yourself and how this is destroying your own precious self-esteem, YOU matter too, you mean something don't be a martyr.
She's just going to suck all your self esteem out and you'll be left feeling worthless and she'll go on with her life, probably not realizing that.

Think of all the people around you who do love and care about you, try very hard and meditate on that until you get use to the idea of that and get in touch with your spiritual roots, be strong, I believe in you,

There might be some attachments, but attachments wear down in time if you stop feeding the weed thats suffocating you.

You'll be okay..
 
Just because you have a connection with someone, or are close, etc, doesn't mean they're the right person for you. Sounds to me like you're making more out of the relationship than is really there. You're remembering these times as children how close you were, but then you had this long gap where the two of you changed a LOT. The nostalgia of the past should have no bearing what so ever on the current state of the relationship.
Whether its that this girl isn't interested, or isn't ready, either way it would seem to me you need to move on. Obviously shes not taking to dating you. But you're letting your past and your current infatuation with her blind you to this simple fact. I've been there myself, so i know how it feels. Sometimes the answer is the most obvious, yet least desirable.
 
Thoughts?
Click to expand...

She was Eve, you were Adam. You got duped bro.
It happens.

To look at the glass half-full: you were there for her when she needed you, as a true friend should, and a good Christian. Your duty in her life was fulfilled.
Sadly, it was not "in the cards" (as they saying goes), and she did not share those strong feelings for you.

Move on to greener pastures. We've all been there!
You've got a good heart, and you're young. The good Lord will reward you. :)

Take care.
 
Well, dudes, thank you. I do have to clear one thing up though. It didn't happen 'in 72 hours', as someone suggested. Nor was it an infatuation. We spend several days a week together for months, all the time sharing more, talking more, bonding more, and getting closer.

Yes, I agree that I 'got duped'. I do agree on that. There were lots of signals, lots of chemistry. SHE kissed me. Then obviously, she got a boyfriend, and start handing me a mixed bag of signals. I told her I loved her, and she said it right back to my face, if you really want to know.

So that's how heavy I 'got duped'. I don't blame myself.

That line about 'feeding the weed that's suffocating you', is genius. And totally true.

Thanks guys. She is sucking the life out of me, and I need to stop this.

Thanks a lot.
 
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