Unmarried Daughter Cohabitating

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Shadrach51

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Ok, chime in please. I have an unmarried daughter living with her boyfriend and having sex. We have all heard the story.

I believe that by me showing her support (i.e. money, buying her things for the house) will show that I support her choice.

I love her very much but she wants me to go to her new place and fawn all over the fact that she has this place. I am glad that she is on her own and that she appears to be doing well, but the fact that she is living with her boyfriend is the only reason she can afford any of it.

So, I do talk to her and we have conversation and she wants me to like this guy. I don't dislike him, I don't even know him. For me to make an assumption about him would be me saying that I am judging him, and I am not. He may very well be a great guy. The fact is that he is living with my first born daughter, having sex and just cruising through life. I am not going to feign liking him for the sake of her either. What she is doing is wrong and even though the whole family is supporting her I am not.

Where do I go? Thanks and God Bless
 
Shes grown up dude... sorry but these things happen. Just try and be happy that shes happy you'll just cause problems between her and you if you try and force a wedge. You dont need to like it but ah think you need to deal with it.
 
ok hmmm even though you do not support her choice, and you dont like her choice , you need to let her come to her own realisation, showing your daughter that you still love her, for god or bad this is the choice rhat she has made, he coiuld very well be an amazing guy who is just making a choice with your daughter what in todays society is normal , my point would be are his intentions good, is he someone who is commited to her, and treats her right ... Im not saying you have to agree with it, but taking a divisive stance right now might do damage to your relationship with her what you might ind difficult to repair... if it goes wrong you can be there to pick up the pieces and be there to give her a massive hug, if it goes right and they end up making that commitment of marriage then you can still be the proud father... Ultimatley what you do now will not just affect her relationship with you but also God, keep praying knowing Gods god it all under control
 
May I speak from a daughter's perspective?

I once did the very same thing that your daughter is doing. I was abused by my stepfather growing up and although I became a christian when I was 16, I began a relationship with a non Christian guy because he cared and looked after me and provided for me. Im sure your daughter wasnt abused like I was, but I beleive in every young woman is the build a home and have babies dream. Cohabitation is like a shortcut to that fantasy to a lot of girls, and it suits guys too because they get a live in de facto wife without the declaration of commitment that marriage brings.

I moved in with my non christian boyfriend and was in a serious relationship with him for nearly 4 years. I still went to church intermittently which made me feel guilty for what I was doing every time. Eventually a God provided experience convinced me to break up with my boyfriend and Ive since become engaged to a christian man and have abstained from the activities I did previously with my ex.

During the whole time I was with my ex my mum disapproved (though she never bluntly voiced it) but she understood why I was sinning. She didnt discourage nor encourage my relationship. The guy I was with was not a horrible person but a genuinely funny and thoughtful person who just didnt have a clue how Jesus was a part of my life and it was because of that one issue that my mother worried for me.

She couldn't do a thing except pray for me (which she did). She knew she couldnt be the one to convince me that what I was doing was wrong, and I constantly repent at the fact that I was so blind and stubborn at causing my mother stress. Sometimes I wished my mum had intervened and sometimes Im very glad she didnt or I would have been incrediably angry at her and something of our relationship might of broken.

At the end of the day, you have to let her live her life and face the consequences of her actions of whatever mistakes shes made (or going to make). At the same time, God is wonderful at interceding. Don't ever give up praying for her. And I hope your daughter is using contraceptives
 
I can speak from daughter's perspective as well. I lived with my boyfriend for 2 and half years. My mother disapproved of course and she told me so but in a loving matter. She also prayed for me continuously. I loved my mom but just felt like she was overreacting to my situation but because she did not try to run my life, as I was an adult, and told me in a loving way that my actions were hurting her I still stayed close to her. Through her prayers I eventually realized the error of what I was doing and now my mom and I are still close and I am making more Godly relationship choices :-) Hang in there! bless!
 
Shadrach51 said:
Ok, chime in please. I have an unmarried daughter living with her boyfriend and having sex. We have all heard the story.

I believe that by me showing her support (i.e. money, buying her things for the house) will show that I support her choice.

I love her very much but she wants me to go to her new place and fawn all over the fact that she has this place. I am glad that she is on her own and that she appears to be doing well, but the fact that she is living with her boyfriend is the only reason she can afford any of it.

So, I do talk to her and we have conversation and she wants me to like this guy. I don't dislike him, I don't even know him. For me to make an assumption about him would be me saying that I am judging him, and I am not. He may very well be a great guy. The fact is that he is living with my first born daughter, having sex and just cruising through life. I am not going to feign liking him for the sake of her either. What she is doing is wrong and even though the whole family is supporting her I am not.

Where do I go? Thanks and God Bless
Click to expand...
MY PRECIOUS BRO, JUST LOVE HER WITH ALL THINE HEART AND LET GOD HAVE HIS WAY WITH HER. WE ALL WERE BORN IN SIN.
 
Shadrach51 said:
Ok, chime in please. I have an unmarried daughter living with her boyfriend and having sex. We have all heard the story.

I believe that by me showing her support (i.e. money, buying her things for the house) will show that I support her choice.

I love her very much but she wants me to go to her new place and fawn all over the fact that she has this place. I am glad that she is on her own and that she appears to be doing well, but the fact that she is living with her boyfriend is the only reason she can afford any of it.

So, I do talk to her and we have conversation and she wants me to like this guy. I don't dislike him, I don't even know him. For me to make an assumption about him would be me saying that I am judging him, and I am not. He may very well be a great guy. The fact is that he is living with my first born daughter, having sex and just cruising through life. I am not going to feign liking him for the sake of her either. What she is doing is wrong and even though the whole family is supporting her I am not.

Where do I go? Thanks and God Bless
Click to expand...

Ok...my response is a bit different than the others maybe.

I take the same mind-set that you do. It appears that you are being asked to *like* this guy...even though he has not shown much reguard for getting to know you before moving in with your daughter.

Granted, she is an adult and capable of making adult decisions. BUT, if she is capable of making adult decisions...then she is capable of enduring the consequences of those decisions.

From what you have written, I do not see you having a malicious heart. I see you have having a broken heart. This does not mean you stop loving your daughter...BUT, it also does not mean that you condone her behavior by going shopping with her for things for her new home, or buying her new things for her home. If she were a newlywed, I am sure you would be all over this and overjoyed because that is what we raise them for.

I can't imagine how I would feel or think in these circumstances since I have never been through them myself....but I do truly think I would be of the same mindset as you.

Blessings
 
grace said:
Ok...my response is a bit different than the others maybe.

I take the same mind-set that you do. It appears that you are being asked to *like* this guy...even though he has not shown much reguard for getting to know you before moving in with your daughter.

Granted, she is an adult and capable of making adult decisions. BUT, if she is capable of making adult decisions...then she is capable of enduring the consequences of those decisions.

From what you have written, I do not see you having a malicious heart. I see you have having a broken heart. This does not mean you stop loving your daughter...BUT, it also does not mean that you condone her behavior by going shopping with her for things for her new home, or buying her new things for her home. If she were a newlywed, I am sure you would be all over this and overjoyed because that is what we raise them for.

I can't imagine how I would feel or think in these circumstances since I have never been through them myself....but I do truly think I would be of the same mindset as you.

Blessings
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You do good work, but then, Grace always has. :) I completely agree with your assessment of this situation. We can be loving and forgiving without condoning the sin we are presented with. It also seems to me that your daughter is (subconsciously perhaps) asking for your "blessing" on this decision of hers. You have every right to withhold it. (I assume that your daughter was raised with a certain set of values, and knows that you do not approve of her arrangement.)

With respect to the previous comment that her behavior is the "norm" today, I would like to respectfully point out that that does not make it right. I know I am fond of saying this but, while the times may have changed, God never does. "But the Lord is the true God; he is the living God, the eternal King. When he is angry, the earth trembles; the nations cannot endure his wrath." (Jeremiah 10:10)

I believe that you need to treat your daughter with love, and her partner with respect. But I don't think you need to go out of your way to interact with them. In particular, if your daughter is expecting you to support her decision in some financial fashion, that is definitely where I would draw the line. Explain to her that you acknowledge her "right" to make her own decisions, but you will not be a part of what you think is a very wrong one.

God bless you all.
 
I honestly don't like the mindset of "shes grown, let her make her choice, live with it."
Your her father correct? Then you have a job to do.
This has nothing to do with liking the boyfriend, being happy for her ect ect ect, drop that mindset right now.
It's about your daughter and sin. that's the bottom line. Who cares how great the guy is or how amazing it might be for them.
Galatians 6:7
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Show her what the Bible says about her behavior. Show her Gods prospective and point of view.
You are suppose to love her but you should not support her. A mentor of mine told me when dealing with friends and such who are living in sin DON'T COMPROMISE. Would you pay for your daughter to go to playboy school? No of course not. So would you pay for her to live in sin? Your a noble person for making a stand and you need to keep that stand. Show her that your taking Gods side. But don't forsake her.
Don't try to live her life for her and make her do choices. It's not your job to be her choice maker. But she has to at least know that you and God don't stand for her actions.
 
Shadrach51 said:
Ok, chime in please. I have an unmarried daughter living with her boyfriend and having sex. We have all heard the story.

I believe that by me showing her support (i.e. money, buying her things for the house) will show that I support her choice.

I love her very much but she wants me to go to her new place and fawn all over the fact that she has this place. I am glad that she is on her own and that she appears to be doing well, but the fact that she is living with her boyfriend is the only reason she can afford any of it.

So, I do talk to her and we have conversation and she wants me to like this guy. I don't dislike him, I don't even know him. For me to make an assumption about him would be me saying that I am judging him, and I am not. He may very well be a great guy. The fact is that he is living with my first born daughter, having sex and just cruising through life. I am not going to feign liking him for the sake of her either. What she is doing is wrong and even though the whole family is supporting her I am not.

Where do I go? Thanks and God Bless
Click to expand...
You will probably just alienate her by not wanting to go. We are not supposed to judge others. That is God's job. We are only supposed to love them.
 
I think you miss spoken Zero. the Bible doesn't say that
Matthew 7:1-5
1Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
The Bible only Condemns hypocritical Judgment. Cast out the beam THEN take the mote out of your brothers eye? It never says just let God deal with it. How we judge others God will judge us.
By your fruits you will know them? That's a Judgment. Saying by there actions we will know someone.
It is our job to have righteous judgment.
Proverbs 27:5
Open rebuke [is] better than secret love.
The Bible states openly criticizing someone is better then the secret love. LOVE is telling something to someone that they shouldn't do. Love is not letting someone ruin there life. Terrible Mistake.
 
Make sure you tell her you love her, tell her you disapprove but you understand that she has the right to make choices as an adult.

As for financial help... blah... I think I would be inclined to say that if she wishes to make choices as an adult, then she should accept responsibility as an adult. This feels a touch spiteful but I'm not sure helping her on her way is the best thing to do... read what others say, they know more than me.

But make sure she knows you love her! And keep her involved in your family's life! If you are christian I'd open the bible.
 
The only advice I can really give is love her, let her know you're still there for her as a father, let her know you disapprove of her choice, and as for financial issues, she's a grown woman and if she's moved out that means she's ready to stand on her own two feet as far as that's concerned. When I finally moved out my parents had pretty much already gotten through to me that I'd better be ready to take care of my financial needs because there's nothing more sad than an adult that still depends on their parents for financial support. But the biggest thing is letting her know you disapprove but at the same time letting her know you still love her so she doesn't feel that her family has completely cut her off for making a choice they don't agree with, if that makes any sense.
 
xJoe said:
I think you miss spoken Zero. the Bible doesn't say that
Matthew 7:1-5
1Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
The Bible only Condemns hypocritical Judgment. Cast out the beam THEN take the mote out of your brothers eye? It never says just let God deal with it. How we judge others God will judge us.
By your fruits you will know them? That's a Judgment. Saying by there actions we will know someone.
It is our job to have righteous judgment.
Proverbs 27:5
Open rebuke [is] better than secret love.
The Bible states openly criticizing someone is better then the secret love. LOVE is telling something to someone that they shouldn't do. Love is not letting someone ruin there life. Terrible Mistake.
Click to expand...

But, my friend, all judgement is hypocritical. None of us are without sin. When Jesus interrupted the stoning of the adulterous woman he said to the crowd "whoever among you has no sin, let he be the one to cast the first stone." (John 8:7). Then they all put down their stones and left.
 
xJoe, I do believe in rebuking one that is sinning if they need to be rebuked about it though. I just believe that by her not agreeing to see her daughter's new place, she is sending a very strong message to her daughter that she won't acknowledge her success unless she conforms to her beliefs. That sort of message causes strife in a family. Thats what I don't want for her. Her daughter's not asking her to do anything against her beliefs, she just wants her to be appreciative of her new home.
 
Matthew 10:34-37
34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.



Success? Wickedness = Success? Jesus causes Family Strife did you know that?

to appreciate a new home? Would Jesus go appreciate that? Or would he tell her to go and sin no more?
If he picks supporting his daughter over God then shame on him. I mean he can. But don't complain to anyone if she never changes. If you are unsatisfied with results then just remember the fact that you went over there and rejoiced with her about it?
Or you can love her and tell her you always will. But your not going to support her actions or compromise with her.
 
zeroturbulence said:
But, my friend, all judgement is hypocritical. None of us are without sin. When Jesus interrupted the stoning of the adulterous woman he said to the crowd "whoever among you has no sin, let he be the one to cast the first stone." (John 8:7). Then they all put down their stones and left.
Click to expand...
John 7:24
Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
Care to elaborate on this passage?
He is actually COMMANDING us to Judge. Righteous judgment.
 
I understand and agree with your feelings,Shadrach51. God has placed you as the head of your family and expects you to lead by example in a Christlike manner. There are no gray areas about the will of God, only black and white- wrong or right. However, I'm sorry to say, avoiding the boyfriend only sounds like a "black" reaction to a "black" situation.
You sound like a very concerned and loving father. Your daughter is blessed to have such a dad. God could be wanting to use you in the life of this young man as a witness to him. You could be the reflection of Christ that makes a difference in his life by the way you handle this situation. However you choose to handle it, you will be sending a message and reflection of your faith to your daughter.
My prayers are with you that God lead you and guide you through this in a way that agrees with His will.
 
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