Very Concerned about Nephew

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Depleted

Guest
#21
#21
kaylagrl said:
Being from Canada Im not use to meds being handed out so easily. Her husbands family are all on pills as Ive mentioned. Her oldest son is on meds and now they want to put the youngest on meds because of this hoarding type behavior. My mother talked to him,but he's 9 so he really can't put into words whats bothering him. And he doesn't want to say anything against his dad but I know the fathers behavior is upsetting both the boys. Its hard to find a good councilor to help when they believe meds solves all.I just don't know what to do to find help for the boys.
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Being from New Jersey, Illinois, Virginia, and Pennsylvania, I'm not used to meds being handed out like candy either.

And it's not just the father's behavior upsetting this kid. He's being raised to believe that life is just one big parachute drop, and skip the parachute. If the drop doesn't work, take a pill. He's got NO security blanket. His father and mother have taught him that.

He's nine, and trying very hard to come up with his own security blanket. That's bad. A kid should feel safe growing up. This boy does not.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#22
#22
kaylagrl said:
My sister and her husband have had serious marriage issues their whole relationship. He settled down for a few years but now he's starting up again. And I believe the kids are old enough now to know whats going on,or that something is going on. The kids are being pulled in on adult issues and to me,thats wrong. My BIL just changed his meds and my sister says he's acting erratic again. I can tell the kids are stressed. Also they stick to my husband like he's their dad.They constantly want his attention, he can't move without them following him everywhere. Its like they're afraid they'll lose sight of him.

They were up this summer and stayed at my mothers. We took them to a fair,on a riverboat ride and an old fort. When it came near time to go home I asked if they had a good time the youngest said "this was the best week of my life". I turned my head and cried. I grew up with parents that argued and were always on the verge of divorce. I know how stressful it is and it tears me up to think these two boys are suffering the same thing. I want to rescue them but they aren't my kids. I feel helpless to know what to do. My sister has just suffered it all out for the 17yrs they've been married. But the kids are trapped,they can't leave,they are stuck in the mess. Im just praying something will change before its too late.
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My aunt (uncle's wife...uncle being Mom's "little" brother) was a mess, and my uncle just let it happen. The oldest boy acted out, and they ran out of option, so he stayed with us for a year. Any chance your sister is willing to let you take her kids "while she works on the marriage?"

Worse comes to worse, at least those kids learn what stability and security looks and feels like for a while.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#23
#23
Depleted said:
Being from New Jersey, Illinois, Virginia, and Pennsylvania, I'm not used to meds being handed out like candy either.

And it's not just the father's behavior upsetting this kid. He's being raised to believe that life is just one big parachute drop, and skip the parachute. If the drop doesn't work, take a pill. He's got NO security blanket. His father and mother have taught him that.

He's nine, and trying very hard to come up with his own security blanket. That's bad. A kid should feel safe growing up. This boy does not.
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Depleted said:
He's nine, and trying very hard to come up with his own security blanket. That's bad. A kid should feel safe growing up. This boy does not.
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Yes,I agree and this sentence just kills me... I don't live close enough to be there often.They always want to stay here longer and it breaks my heart. My sister isn't in touch.I try to call and she doesn't answer.Ive tried to skype with them and she says they're too busy. I feel like she's trying to keep us on the outside.Yet when she comes home she tells us her marriage is falling apart,they are broke and the kids are in distress. I don't understand why she keeps us at arms length when we're only trying to help.


 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#24
#24
Depleted said:
My aunt (uncle's wife...uncle being Mom's "little" brother) was a mess, and my uncle just let it happen. The oldest boy acted out, and they ran out of option, so he stayed with us for a year. Any chance your sister is willing to let you take her kids "while she works on the marriage?"

Worse comes to worse, at least those kids learn what stability and security looks and feels like for a while.
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No,no chance she'd let the kids come here. Thats another issue.Her in-laws will not let the boys out of their sight. They harass her if she takes them anywhere,even when she comes here. They've threatened to take they boys from her and to call authorities on her,even though its their son beating holes in the walls and acting like an insane person. If they divorced his parents would do all they could to keep the boys. Its like the children are theirs,not my sisters and her husband.When the boys were younger and my sister brought them up here MIL would call the boys and try to convince them to come home promising them treats and toys. They called once and I hung up on them and called my BIL and gave him what for. He told his parents to back off. In fact Im the only one in the family that has stood up and went after her in laws and my BIL. I feel like my parents need to get more involved but I think they are afraid of losing the grandkids. Its just one huge mess. I thought things were calming down and now I find out they are worse,much worse.I talked to my parents and told them that this is serious and they need to step in for the boys sake. They seemed to agree and thats as far as it has gone. I feel frustrated and helpless.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#27
#27
kaylagrl said:
No,no chance she'd let the kids come here. Thats another issue.Her in-laws will not let the boys out of their sight. They harass her if she takes them anywhere,even when she comes here. They've threatened to take they boys from her and to call authorities on her,even though its their son beating holes in the walls and acting like an insane person. If they divorced his parents would do all they could to keep the boys. Its like the children are theirs,not my sisters and her husband.When the boys were younger and my sister brought them up here MIL would call the boys and try to convince them to come home promising them treats and toys. They called once and I hung up on them and called my BIL and gave him what for. He told his parents to back off. In fact Im the only one in the family that has stood up and went after her in laws and my BIL. I feel like my parents need to get more involved but I think they are afraid of losing the grandkids. Its just one huge mess. I thought things were calming down and now I find out they are worse,much worse.I talked to my parents and told them that this is serious and they need to step in for the boys sake. They seemed to agree and thats as far as it has gone. I feel frustrated and helpless.
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If the outlaws (outlaws are the family members not connected to your family -- one of my grandmother's phrases) are threatening to take her kids away from her and she already knows you were able to stop their harassing, why not go with "Let them stay for us for the rest of the school year, so you have two less worries." That gives her half a year to work with, and if she doesn't feel any better about how it's going back home, you can keep the kids for the summer too. By then, play it by ear.

I'm thinking this can do double-duty:
1. Give the kids some stability.
2. Give your sister time to see what's going on without all the distractions of his parents and the kids.

Right now she's fighting four fronts:
1. In-laws.
2. Husband.
3. Herself.
and the 4th one is just byproduct of the other fights...
4. The kids.

This takes the kids out of the equation, the in-laws have nothing to threaten with, and so she finally has enough breathing room to fight the real fight -- between her husband and her. Her being the biggest fight, considering she's been willing to live like this for at least a decade.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#28
#28
Depleted said:
If the outlaws (outlaws are the family members not connected to your family -- one of my grandmother's phrases) are threatening to take her kids away from her and she already knows you were able to stop their harassing, why not go with "Let them stay for us for the rest of the school year, so you have two less worries." That gives her half a year to work with, and if she doesn't feel any better about how it's going back home, you can keep the kids for the summer too. By then, play it by ear.

I'm thinking this can do double-duty:
1. Give the kids some stability.
2. Give your sister time to see what's going on without all the distractions of his parents and the kids.

Right now she's fighting four fronts:
1. In-laws.
2. Husband.
3. Herself.
and the 4th one is just byproduct of the other fights...
4. The kids.

This takes the kids out of the equation, the in-laws have nothing to threaten with, and so she finally has enough breathing room to fight the real fight -- between her husband and her. Her being the biggest fight, considering she's been willing to live like this for at least a decade.
Click to expand...

I agree with all you are saying but I know her answer would be no. I think the kids are a kind of comfort or buffer for her. Something to keep her busy and away from her husband. He works nights and sleeps days. She says he wants to change to days and I think she's scared he's going to do that.If he does everything will get worse. We've been rescuing her from the marriage the entire time they've been married. She's run home often when it gets too much for her. When they were first married her husband got so angry he threw all her clothes out on the lawn and told her to get the "f" out. As I said,the meds seemed to help for a while but it seems we're back to square one.
 
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Alertandawake

Senior Member
#29
Aug 20, 2017
436
94
28
#29
Adstar said:
What a tradgic thing to be happening to our societies.. Drugging everyone out like this.. Solves nothing and just makes a lot of money for the medical industries...
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This seems to be the standard practice of the medical industry. And I would say anti-depressants are right on top of the prescription list. So rather than try to get to the root of the problem, the standard is to just have the person drugged out like a zombie.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#30
#30
An update on the story...


Yesterday my husband and I,along with my parents,got up before the sun and headed to my sisters. My husband and I decided we were going to make an effort to stay closer to my nephews,especially the youngest who is having the issue of hoarding.So we went and saw both their basketball games,in two different places,but we made it. Went to dinner with them then went to their house and spent the evening with the kids.

I talked to my sister and she has put the youngest on meds. She said he has stopped collecting garbage and is doing better in school. She said he use to go to bed and cry when they would throw out the trash. Her husband is back on his meds and things are calm in the home again.

As we left last night the youngest followed us outside and hugged everyone in the car again,he'd been hugging us all day.He stayed in the dark in the yard calling out to us the whole time,telling us to come back,how he loved us all until we turned and headed down the road. I wept for some time as everyone else was talking. I feel like my nephew feels lonely and stressed. They live about three hours away so we can't be there for him the way I'd like to.

Once we were alone my husband and I talked. I hate that the kids are on meds but the parents are in turmoil and constant chaos,they have been since they've married. If meds are the only way these kids can cope,I just don't know what I can do. Maybe this is the best path for them if they are at peace. It breaks my heart. But if he's doing better... I feel a little encouraged by that. Anyhow thats the update,such as it is.
 
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oldethennew

Banned
#31
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#31
heartbreaking Kaylagrl,

especially the feeling of helplessness for those we Love -
you are wonderful Aunt and Uncle, Parents - what a blessing
for them all to have loved-ones who truly care...
 
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Depleted

Guest
#32
#32
John had his heart attack on Nov. 21 (2015, so all is right with our world again.) The heart attack was so bad his micro-valve ripped away from the heart, taking some of the heart muscle with him. He needed an operation to repair that. But he also needed stents in that day, and a whole bunch of bad things happened for a month, so they kept him sedated throughout that time.

It was good he was sedated. He has few memories of what happened. (His first full memory was David Bowie died, which happened sometime early January in 2016.) But in there somewhere he also remembers being on an island, and nurses would magically come to him and treat him. Something called "hospital-induced hallucinations," but some of it was real, because he's right when he tells me the strange things he remembers on that island. (Mostly forced to sit up when his hip was killing him. Ends up he had a Stage 4 bedsore, so hip was supposed to hurt that badly. The nurses didn't yet know he had a bedsore.)

It was good he was sedated, but it was also not so good. When he woke up, he had to deal with all that happened while he was sedated plus the cause for being sedated.

Your nephew is sedated. He will wake up one day and realize what happened in between. It's bad, because he's sedated at 9 with all the coping mechanisms of a 9-year-old and will wake up later without any new coping mechanisms he learned. His emotional growth is being stunted at 9, and it's going to take him longer to learn what he can't learn now.

If there was anyway possible, by now, I would consider getting the authorities in on this. But we live in a society that drugs everyone who wants it, including the authorities who make decisions about such things.

You're going to have to pray long and hard over your nephew. This isn't going to be good when he becomes himself again.
 
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