Well here goes... please help me..

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paul22m

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Well here goes.. I am going out on a limb.. and asking for advice.. because I need help.. and I am so tired running from God... I feel like.. I am not going to make it in my walk with God.. I backslide alot.. um.. well that is a brief introduction. I would just like to share the struggles I have had in this life.. Im sure I am not the only one.. but basically.. my whole life.. ever since I was a little kid.. I was beaten by my mom and her boyfriends.. physically.. emotionally.. pschylogically.. my own brother raped me when I was 5... It was hell.. that I lived in for many years... my mom told me she hated me and that she had wished I was never born..my dad was away during this time.. but the bottomline I am trying to get at.. is I was pretty messed up.. I never knew what love was until I got saved.. I would cry myself to sleep everynite.. because of the things that happened to me... I lived in horrible conditions to... no electricity... cockroaches in the food... no hot water.. my mom treated me as her slave.. I hated everyday I was alive.. and my mom beat me.. did horrible things to me.. I would rather not say...she also forced me to go to this church.. that teaches all the different types of religions and I got completely brainwashed for years... into believing it.. they taught all the different types of religions...(buddasism, islam, etc) I was messed up.. I would cut my myself.. and bleed out.. I would make drown myself... I would choke myself with electric cords.. anything that would make the pain go away... my mom always told me.. I was a mistake.. that i was never meant to be.. she beat that into me.. that I was completely and utterly worthless..filth.. and no one would ever want me... that I will never be anything.. I acted out at school... I got into fights all the time.. I smoked pot.. I robbed peoples homes.. I robbed stores... I got drunk.. I was a crazy.. wild kid... I would go into detention all the time.. or get suspended from school.. whats worse is the principle in my highschool.. told me that no kids would fall threw the cracks.. but I was an exception to the rule.. he told me to give up while ahead.. i felt so destroyed inside.. and I hated God during this whole time.. i was a hardcore atheist.. I hated God..( I dont now, no way!) I hated christians.. I blamed God for all my problems.. but than I came across this book.. of this guy who had gone threw what I did,.... his mom even said the same things my mom did..by the end of reading the book.. I broke down.. in tears.. I got on my knees at 3:05 pm in the afternoon.. on a sunny but windy day.. and I asked Christ into my heart.. it was the most, I mean the most, the most amazing experience I ever had..all that pain.. and hurt seemed to had vanished.. and I had felt love for the first time in my life.. real love.. and I fell in love.. with Christ.. I fell deeply and madly in love with Him..I never felt the way I felt about Jesus.. no amount of girlfriends I had.. could replace what Christ gave..as years went by.. I became closer and closer to God.. but I still had.. and have this addictive personality to sin.. to lust.. to hatred for God.. when I fall away.. i wanna blame Him for everything..it kills me inside.. everytime I have done this.. Ive gotten to the point in the past.. I have tried ending my life.. because I felt so bad.. over the way I acted towards the one I love the most.. I love Him.. God.. more than anything and anyone.. I gave up.. family.. freinds.. and much more.. just to be with Christ.. its so hard... to just.. walk it out.. and I have people around me that wanna help me.. but it seems everytime I try.. I fail.. I mess up.. I end up pushing away the people that love me and care for and wanna help me.. whats worse is i push God away.. I honestly dont know how to function without Him.. I dont wanna live without Him.. I cant.. He is my whole life.. God is my everything.. literally.. Im in love.. I feel condemned and broken everytime I fall back.. the bad thing is.. I have lead hundreds of people to Christ.. well God used me to do it.. and I helped build two churches.. and I should know better.. but I am wretched.. i sometimes wish God never made me.. because I dont wanna hurt Him.. and it hurts me that Im hurting Him.. it kills me.. I wanna die.. when I sin.. please dont hate on me.. this is just how I am.. I just wanna be walking in victory in Christ.. I love Him more than anything.. He makes my heart stop.. I breathe for Him.. I walk for Him.. I live for Him.. and would die for Him,. I have tried so many different things.. to walk in victory.. everytime I seem like ill make it.. i fall..God help me.. Please if you have some advice.. please let me know.. and I dont hate God.. I dont, so please dont think I do.. I would die for Christ in a heartbeat. He is the love of my life.
 
The key to your struggles is to know the path to true Obedience. That path begins with aligning yourself with the Creator.

One of the first things He told us to do in the Garden is to dominate the lower realms - (flesh). We are to listen to His spirit with our spirit. We are to use that knowledge to dominate the lower realms. If we do not obey this command then we will listen to the flesh and we will sin.

Watch this:
YahTube: Glenn McWilliams - The Path of Pure Torah

It may help.

Shalom
 
God did not send us His Son so that we would be condemned, He sent Him so that we'd be saved.

John 3:17-18
King James Version (KJV)

17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
18He that believeth on him is not condemned

John 8
36If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

Why condemn yourself, if our Lord does not condemn those who abide in Him?
_______________________________________________________________________

We cannot overcome sin by our own power, but by the strength of Christ, whom has overcome all things.

John 16
32Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me.
33These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

We can overcome the world (sin) by the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. Dilligently and sincerely pray for Christ to help you overcome this addiction to sin, and to regenerate and renew your mind.

Whenever you are struggling with temptation or sin, cry out to Jesus, ask Him for strength and guidance.

Matthew 11
28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
___________________________________________________________________

If you don't already, it would be wise to start your day with the Lord's prayer in Matthew 6:9-13

Asking God to lead you away from temptation and to deliver you from evil, will greatly aid you in overcoming the temptations that we all face from day to day.

There very well could be some things also in your live that you need to get rid of that are causing unnecessary temptations in your life that can be easily avoided.

Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:22- Abstain from all appearance of evil.

This will make things a lot easier for you in your walk.
 
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Life is a time of struggles, trials, and temptations as well as a time to prepare ourselves to meet God by being tested. Temptations come in all forms but they are not of God. Experiencing temptation isn't a sin but we must be careful not to put ourselves above being tempted. Having a humble attitude will help us recognize our weaknesses and seek help in overcoming temptation.Life's temptations and trials test our worthiness, our faith in Christ, and our obedience to God's commandments. Trials and making choices between good and evil are necessary to God's plan.
God is faithful. He always provides a way of escape. When tempted, your job is not to bear up under the weight of temptation, but rather, to look for the escape route God has already provided.ask for his strength to stand up under the temptation whenever u encounter it.
If you're struggling with temptation in your life, take some encouragement from these verse and asking the Lord to help you deal with the temptations you face each day..

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

Though it can be helpful to read God's Word when you're being tempted, sometimes that's not practical. Even better is to practice reading the Word daily, so that eventually you have so much of it inside, you are ready whenever temptation comes. If you are reading through the Bible regularly, you will have the full counsel of God at your disposal..Trust in Him in all things..God bless u.
 
I understand how you feel. My upbringing was similar. First of all, you werent an atheist if you hated God. An atheist doesn't believe there is a God to hate. You are just wrestling like Jacob. I want to validate your feelings. They are ok. They do make sense. I know that when chaos overwhelms us it seems like nothing makes sense. And it's ok to say that you hate God. He's big enough to handle it. He see's from beginning to end, inside and out. So if you never admit to hating God them you are only lying to yourself. He already knows what's in your mind and He's not threatened by it. Psalm 51:6 speaks about having truth in your inward parts. Last night, at a conference I was meditating on this and the Lord really spoke to me. The truth is scary and I realized that the truth I wasn't allowing into ny inward parts was that what happened to me when I was growing up hurt. Abuse causes you to separate from yourself. If your reaction is extreme enough this separation becomes multiple personalities. But we separate in order to be safe an it's a good thing for a time. So last night I had to learn to look at myself at 2-yrs-old and say, "It did hurt. You're safe now. You don't have to escape anymore." Not allowing truth within our core is what causes all conflicts either in ourselves, or in and with others. Passively, these lies comes out in sin. 1. I need control because God isn't in control so I manipulate relationships. 2. I need provision because God has not provided, so I steal. 3. I need to be loved and I don't feel lovable to allow God to love me so I sleep around. These are just examples.
But the truth is
God is bigger.
God is in control.
God does love you even when you screw up over and over.
 
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