Well, I could use some advice... (bout a girl...)

[Leadfoot5311]

Hey everyone, I'm just having some trouble, and I could use some advice...

Back about a year ago, there was this girl I was really good friends with. What made things awkward though, was that I had fairly strong feelings for her... Back in September, I admitted my feelings for her, and she seemed somewhat receptive of it. But then, fast forward a couple weeks, and then I did some VERY stupid things, and ruined a 7-year friendship... Her and I have not had a legitimate conversation in ten months, despite seeing her around church every week....

You'd think the story ends there? But, what's really frusterating me is that she's still been stuck in my mind, like she's burnt in there or something. I'm not sure if it's my conscience, or what... To put it bluntly though, I've been praying for a long time to just have it go away, but it's not going!!!

My question: Has anybody been in a similar instance? If yes, what did you guys do about it? Please help...

 

[Sharp]

Avoid cross-gender friendships. There is no need for them.

 

[goasia]

Instead of avoiding temptation,
maybe we should just pray that we will be able to resist them?

If one strongly believes in god,
then the holy spirit will be with him and help him resist any temptation.

But if you love a female friend more than a male friend,
you can be certain this preference is based on lust.

In christ, we love everyone equally.
And giving "special love" and affection to a girl, is not real love... nor is it a friendly thing to do... it is lust.

You shouldn't feel inferior to the people in your community, for what you have done,
because "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone".




And about wanting anything other, than to be with god,

Whether it is wanting:
friendships, a partner, to be popular with other people, to be found beautiful or special by other people...

whether it is wanting:
sex, travelling, any other pleasurous experience of the earth or of the flesh....


You can consider this:

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

 

[Liamson]

Hey everyone, I'm just having some trouble, and I could use some advice...

Back about a year ago, there was this girl I was really good friends with. What made things awkward though, was that I had fairly strong feelings for her... Back in September, I admitted my feelings for her, and she seemed somewhat receptive of it. But then, fast forward a couple weeks, and then I did some VERY stupid things, and ruined a 7-year friendship... Her and I have not had a legitimate conversation in ten months, despite seeing her around church every week....

You'd think the story ends there? But, what's really frusterating me is that she's still been stuck in my mind, like she's burnt in there or something. I'm not sure if it's my conscience, or what... To put it bluntly though, I've been praying for a long time to just have it go away, but it's not going!!!

My question: Has anybody been in a similar instance? If yes, what did you guys do about it? Please help...

The worst case scenario is that you learn to live with the feeling until you find someone else. The best case scenario is that she finds someone else. As painful as it sounds, not seeing her at all for a long time will help eventually.

In 2004 I fell in deeply in love with someone I had always known as my best friend and she stole the only piece of me that was nailed down. And then just as sudden as it started making sense, she left. That was truly the only time I have ever felt so alive and then a couple of weeks later so dead. I knew from that moment on that I could never be the same.

I felt like the cost of starting something with someone I know too well is too high. There is too much at stake. I could not then and still cannot now imagine finding someone objectively better than she was (is). So in a way it has been a bit of a curse. The shadow she casts is too large and too dark, there is no one who can eclipse it. She painted my entire world.

My only hope for recovering was to become better than her. When I could not become better than her, I fell into despair. I wanted to fall so out of favor with God, so as to justify her judgement that I was somehow not worth her time. I became self destructive and willfully disobedient. I felt like King Saul or Cain. I wished to die, but could not. I tried to live but, everything I did had no feeling. I could not do anything meaningful anymore for a couple of years.

But the whole time there was someone else with me holding my hand through it all. They walked with me through the worst of it as well as the best of it. That was when I discovered that love has more to do with loving the relationship you have with someone more than you love the person themselves. We wound up getting engaged in 2008, but then we decided not to do anything until I got out of the Navy. But before I could get out of the Navy, she was hit and killed by a drunk driver.


No matter how strongly you feel, If you love someone but, you do not love the relationship you have with that person, you are just a fan.

Avoid cross-gender friendships. There is no need for them.

You are sadly mistaken.

 

[Ugly]

Instead of avoiding temptation,
maybe we should just pray that we will be able to resist them?

If one strongly believes in god,
then the holy spirit will be with him and help him resist any temptation.

But if you love a female friend more than a male friend,
you can be certain this preference is based on lust.

In christ, we love everyone equally.
And giving "special love" and affection to a girl, is not real love... nor is it a friendly thing to do... it is lust.

You shouldn't feel inferior to the people in your community, for what you have done,
because "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone".




And about wanting anything other, than to be with god,

Whether it is wanting:
friendships, a partner, to be popular with other people, to be found beautiful or special by other people...

whether it is wanting:
sex, travelling, any other pleasurous experience of the earth or of the flesh....


You can consider this:

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

I'm sorry, but this is just..... Firstly you advise Against avoiding temptation. Which is in exact conflict with the biblical standard on dealing with temptation. Sure, we can't Always avoid it, but that doesn't mean we're to live haphazardly either.

Also, if he loves a woman more than a man that is lust? So the basis of every marriage, under that mentality is marriage is lust not love. There is absolutely zero biblical, or even psychological basis for that kind of thinking. I can't even begin to imagine where that kind of thinking comes from.

He never said a word about anyone making him feel inferior. Or judging him. In fact he only mentioned himself and the woman in question, no other people. Once again, no idea where that came from.

Also i'm sure when God said not to store up our treasures on earth he was not referring to relationship with others. Friendship and wanting to find a partner are natural, God given feelings put within us. Its not about 'storing up treasures on earth'. That is a overly generalized take, and not really in context to the true meaning. Its not about not wanting things, its about placing those things in too high of importance. He was not 'wanting things over God'. In fact he accepted the situation as being over, and as opposed to praying to get the girl back, he instead asks God to remove the lingering feelings. I'd say that he has easily put God over this woman, this relationship and this situation. He may be struggling, but he's struggling in the right direction.

 

[zeroturbulence]

My question: Has anybody been in a similar instance? If yes, what did you guys do about it? Please help...

Yes. You need to find a girlfriend.

 

[persecuted]

Well Liamson, I feel I owe you some sort of a response to your post although I have no advice to dish out. Got a question for you which I hope you don't mind. You mention this all important girl in 2004, and then she is gone. How so? Also, my reading of your post says the one you were engaged to in 2008 was a different second girl. Correct?

About the only thing I can say on this thread in general is that I understand the concept of hurting over women for prolonged periods of time (not that my stories are as dramatic or tragic or which is the right word) but its somehow like I do and I don't hurt all at the same time... and if I forced myself to say which it really is, the answer would have to be I don't and haven't for ages even if memories(and pains) float up at the oddest of times. I don't suppose my multitudes of failed infatuations compare to anyone who ever had something of actual depth... but maybe I'm wrong because after too many of those I reached the present state of not believing in the least that there is this "perfect" girl or that I ever missed out on "true" happiness by not getting any one of them.

 

[Liamson]

Well Liamson, I feel I owe you some sort of a response to your post although I have no advice to dish out. Got a question for you which I hope you don't mind. You mention this all important girl in 2004, and then she is gone. How so? Also, my reading of your post says the one you were engaged to in 2008 was a different second girl. Correct?

.

Yes different second girl.

As far as what is real and what is not. When it hits you, there is nothing you can do about it, except admit that it is very real. It can seem real enough to make you wonder who's life you are living, to have it so sublime.

 

[persecuted]

You sure you don't just spend too much time at sea? I noticed a curious trait about myself some years ago... the only times I fell in love were when I 1. was in isolated circumstances such that only one girl of any relevance was in my sphere. and 2. I was just the same stuck in lonely places without her or anyone else with nothing to do but think on her all the time.

As is, yesterday I was yet again talking to some girl who I had the strongest feeling could really be something great and as per usual a third party stepped in to break things up which in the life of the big city means I shall never see her again and well, something else will probably get the same rating by this time next week. Or to put this another way, the sea is full of fish and none of them really seem that unique.

 

[Liamson]

Interesting proposition but... girl 1 and I went to Disneyworld together and tried making the long distance thing work. It was actually the "time at sea" that tore us apart.

Girl 2 stuck out because there were so many women in my life and yet, she was the only one who went out of her way to see me, invaded my world, ripped me from my friends, claimed me for better or worse. SO I returned the favor.

I think there are a lot of women out there but, there is also so much variety. I guarantee there are women that you never knew existed, that would blow your mind somewhere out there. That is why God invented Countries like Brazil and Israel.

 

[zeroturbulence]

That is why God invented Countries like Brazil and Israel.

I think I know what you mean by Brazil, but Isreal? Hmm maybe I need to open my eyes to some Isreali women.

 

[persecuted]

Its funny because I have become so cynical about it all and can't help but to think that there is actually something HEALTHY about my cynicism. I've stopped believing that some woman will ever be my EVERYTHING... and the best I can hope for is someone that I get along really well with, have the phony feeling of "in love" with and will thus breed with me and raise a family. That simple... and in the mean time I'll have all of my little hobbies, friends, and careers that will provide what she really can't.

 

[goasia]

Also, if he loves a woman more than a man that is lust? So the basis of every marriage, under that mentality is marriage is lust not love. There is absolutely zero biblical, or even psychological basis for that kind of thinking. I can't even begin to imagine where that kind of thinking comes from.

"Sigmund Freud established sexual drives as the primary motivational forces of human life"

but i didn't get my ideas from freud. I got them from personal observation... how falling in and falling out of love works.
The standard christian way of living and thinking, and having relationships and intercourse.... is far better than, the godless way that is advertised by society today.

For people who do not like to think for themselves, the standard christian way is a good way to follow.
But me, as some kind of christian protestant who does not agree with how religious leaders far and close by,
force their in my opinion unjust biblical interpretations onto others,

prefer not to follow religious institutions blindly. Ofcourse,
for people who are born in religious families and communities,
it is more difficult to question the elders and the leaders, as it is probably discouraged,
looked down upon and if you don't watch out with what you think or do, they might actually not want to see you anymore.

Luckily, christianity is not as extreme as for example islam,
where family members who do not follow traditional islam are sometimes even murdered "for the honor of the family" (when for example, a muslim girl would marry a non muslim white male)

Also i'm sure when God said not to store up our treasures on earth he was not referring to relationship with others. Friendship and wanting to find a partner are natural, God given feelings put within us.

yes, it is natural. of the flesh.
and therefor we must be born again in the spirit so we can be free from the flesh, while still in the flesh.

Its not about 'storing up treasures on earth'. That is a overly generalized take, and not really in context to the true meaning. Its not about not wanting things, its about placing those things in too high of importance. He was not 'wanting things over God'. In fact he accepted the situation as being over, and as opposed to praying to get the girl back, he instead asks God to remove the lingering feelings. I'd say that he has easily put God over this woman, this relationship and this situation. He may be struggling, but he's struggling in the right direction.

this quote oozes compromises.

"it's not about not wanting things... it's about not placing of too high importance"
"he has easily put god over this woman, but he's still struggling"

for me, this seems hypocritical. i know from experience if i compromise, i distance my self from god.
i dont believe god compromises. and the intensity and purity, in which you feel the holy spirit inside, is a good indicator
whether your compromises brings you further or closer.

we feel closest to god during prayer, because then all our attention is on him.
so, basically, to get closest to god you need to pray uninterruptedly and place all your focus on him.
that is how you build your treasure in heaven, strengthen the holy spirit within, and become free from the burden of the flesh.

of course, children need to receive affection, because that is their nature.
they are born in flesh, and need a loving father and mother until they are born again.

from then on, the child can rely on god for love, and must no longer seek to receive love from other humans.

 

[jamie26301]

To put it bluntly though, I've been praying for a long time to just have it go away, but it's not going!!!

My question: Has anybody been in a similar instance? If yes, what did you guys do about it? Please help...

I've had a similar experience. Only not only did I do stupid things, I did them because I was manic (I'm bipolar). He hasn't talked to me since. That was 4 and a half years ago. Try living with losing someone when it's not your fault.

But trust me, it gets better. God will either bring someone else into your life, or help you bear the guilt. The number of thing is to make GOD your source. What helped me was to make a list of prayers for other people and try to pray them twice a day. My list is several pages long! Then I pray for whose on this forum in the prayer request department.

Ask God to give you Scriptures to help you cope. Then meditate on those Scriptures. Roll them around in your head. Speak them out loud. Write them down and carry them with you, look at them while you're waiting in line somewhere.

Here's a few to get you started:
Hebrews 13:5
Matthew 28:20
Deuteronomy 31:6
John 14:18
John 14:1
Psalm 147:3
1 Peter 5:7

With sisterly love,
Jamie

 

[Jullianna]

I've loved two men more than life. One died. One took what, if I weren't a christian, I would describe as my soul. Getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror, appearing to be all there, but knowing something is broken somewhere is an odd place to find yourself, huh?

Not sure what the answer is. Some relationships are eventually restored. Some aren't. If they aren't, perhaps they weren't good for us for whatever reason. Or, if we're being honest with ourselves, maybe we weren't good for the other person somehow. Who knows?

For me, the thing that works is knowing that God has it all under control and I trust Him with it. Surely there are more than two amazing men on the planet. In the meantime, I guess God is just working on me kinda like that Spam carving thing from another thread.

Getting ready to go into my prayertime, so I will pray for wisdom and understanding for your situation. God bless