What Happened Today And More

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TheJesusFreak

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Well I really havent had the BEST day.

I went to tae kwon do and my teacher chewed me out in front of the whole class for being late. I tried to say "Sorry Sir someone else drove me today" but he said that he didnt care.
He went on about how higher belts are supposed to be role models for lower belts and how all the lower belts were on the floor before me.

It just really annoyed me because I KNOW there have been belts higher than me late to this class who he just let in and didnt say anything.

Then later in the class he asked me who founded tae kwon do. And I said "Sir I don't know" then he went on about how anyone who didnt know that should be ashamed and made me turn around and do 5 push ups.

Then I couldnt help it and started to cry.
It was super embarrasing but I am just really emotional

He asked me why I was crying and I told him that I was embarressed and he was all like saying I should be and that he loves us blah blah blah.

Then when we were doing patterns (or as some call them forms) he was super picky on my form and I was just getting really depressed and holding back tears (I have moments where I think no one would care if I died blah blah blah).

So he had me help lower belts with their patterns the rest of the class and he was fine after that.

Well after class he talked to me and I really dont remember what he said but I told him that I was ashamed because he said that anyone who didnt know that should be ashamed. And he said something about respect or something but I dont rmember.

So when I came home. I just wanted to make myself cry because I thought maybe emptying my tear ducks would stop me from crying for longer.

But I laugehd and couldnt do it.

Then I started saying bad stuff about myself I knew wasnt true (I was at home alone) and kept beating myself up (with words) but I hardly cried.

Then I like spoke on gods side saying that he loves me and stuff but in my heart was almost doubting it.

Then I beat myself up again (with words again) and it ended.

Yeah really weird day.

I hope I wasnt like possessed or anything :p I think the devil got control of me for a little there and it was scary :p


Additional Info
I always feel like that if I wasnt a Christian that I would have killed myself already. But I know it is a sin so I havent. And I still kinda know that it would just through my pain on others.

Ive also been having trouble at school tyring to find the true friends and such and drama and such. Then I noticed how perverted my brain kinda was one day. I dont say perverted things or anything btu I have been around people like this so long I know when something is supposed to sound *wrong* and I was like WOAH and stuff when these other kids were talking about being at each others house in each others rooms but it was just for a social studies project.

Idk

I kinda feel like I am trying to improve myself for God but I feel like I am in a spiritual drought because I dont FEEL God anymore. Like none of those chilly moments that you know it is him. I just feel like I am blindly trying to improve myself for him and he is somewhere else :(

So post what you think about watcha read.
 
My friend. Maybe you haven't found that reason to live yet. It is impossible for us to improve ourselves. Jesus has to improve us, really.

And I know the reason we all were created now. It is a more exciting and eventful life than people know. There is so much freedom in Jesus Christ, once we get rid of the sin and commit to following him. You know the life of the apostles was full of action, that is why they call it ACTS!! I will pray for you my friend. May Jesus bless you and keep you!!!
 
You're still young, and many are the times you will question what is gonna be going on. You will see the value of such events later on, sometimes you have to be broken in order to upgraded. Just hold on in faith, God bless
 
I know it was a long time ago, but I remember clearly how, as a teenage,r a day like you described could cause such anxiety & feelings of depression, loneliness & unworthiness. Also it took me a long time before I had a true revelation of how different God's love is to human love. As people, we tend to love others based on their behaviour, e.g. if you are a kind, nice person I will love you, but if you don't treat me the way I want to be treated, well then I don't love you. But God's love is not based on what we do at all. He loves you just for being you. It truly is a hard thing to understand, but I pray that God will give you that revelation. God is not far from you, He is right there with you through everything you are going through. You are the one who is finding it hard to receive Him at the moment. You don't need to try to please Him, just be with Him & love Him! The way you be with Him is by praying regularly, reading your bible, going to church, hanging out with other Christians, listening to Christian music etc. You don't need to do any of these things to seek his approval but by doing them, you are placing yourself in a position where He can speak to you & work in your heart!
I pray that you will truly seek Him & grow in Him!
God bless you x x x
 
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