What is the Christian way to act in this situation?

[junebug]

Okay, I'm 16 and have been best friend's with this girl since we were like 6 years old. I ended up moving when we were still little, but moved back to the area this previous year. We had still been friends, but hadn't seen each other much while I was gone. When I moved back, I had to live with her family for four months or so, because my mom had just gotten her second divorce and was still trying to get a place. We became completely inseparable. We hung out every day, even after I moved out. We were constantly texting, or doing things together. Oh boy, this is going to be long and complicated.

She- was and is in a very strict mormon family, who are very repressive and judgmental and honestly believe in being perfect, which is impossible, or at least looking perfect to others around them.

I- was raised mormon, but realized that I didn't believe or understand all of the teachings. When my mom got divorced, she left my religious choices up to me, and now I am very happily belong to an Evangelical Free church, and have done a lot of reading and investigating into the mormon religion and have decided it isn't for me.

Anyways, we basically spent the entire year drinking along with many other things that proved to be really hurtful to both of us. I have become a lot more religious in the last little while, whereas she seems to have no control, or want for control, and is determined to rebel against her strict family. (She is the most incredibly stubborn and prideful person I have ever met.) Anyways, she is completely addicted to cigarettes, she drinks, (she believes in god, but not religion), she was having a lot of sex with her 22 year old boyfriend who is now in jail for supplying alcohol to minors, and she is convinced that everyone else around her is the cause of any problems or bad feelings she has. I, on the other hand, have realized that this is probably the biggest growing time god has ever had me go through, and I am trying to clean up all aspects of my life and strengthen my relationship with the lord. I really feel like I have been moving forward so much!

I'm so sorry this is so long.

So anyways, I got to a point where I told her (because her relationship was becoming abusive) that I would be here for her and still wanted to be friends and everything, but I refused to support, or be around, her relationship. She, of course, decided that meant that she would not even talk to me, because she couldn't spare a moment away from her disgusting relationship that was hurting both of them. The more time I spent away from her, the better I felt. I realized that I really, really like who I am without her around. I began to look back at how I was treated the entire year and was disgusted, and realized what a bad relationship I had with her. Not to mention that she is/was really pretty and outgoing, so everyone just looked at me as her shadow. (SO many people have told me this when they ask why we dont hang out anymore). She has tried to become somewhat friends with me again now that she has lost all of her friends and her leach-relationship. So here is the question (I really am sorry for the length!)

How can I still help her and be there for her, without compromising my new found self esteem and happiness? I miss her, but I look at her in a completely different way now, and sometimes I feel sorry for her, but I also am disgusted with the kind of person she is.

she:
-has lost all of her friends because of the way she treated them (she makes you feel worthless and is completely selfish)
-her boyfriend is in jail
-she is addicted to sex, alcohol, and cigarettes
-she looks so sad and almost sickly whenever I see her
-she blames her problems on everyone else
-she doesn't want to change herself in any way as far as i know
-she is also a compulsive liar, and in my opinion, lying is one of the worst things you can do, because it spreads into everything else. And no one believes anything she says
(I invited her to my church once, but her mom freaked out and told her that she is never allowed to even step foot in another church.)

She also has good qualities, of course, but those aren't part of the problem.

In all honesty, I don't want to be around her anymore, but I feel like she really, really needs some help. She doesn't have much support and I just wish I could be there for her in some way..
I just have no idea how to go about it.

 

[Dubbaz]

Sigh, been around interpersonnal bs like this before.

Basically the only way to solve this problem is to force an ultimatum, change the way your living and acting, or stay the same. You cannot force choices upon people, but at the same time you criticize her pridefullness (if thats even a word), while at the same time you wish to not be around her because of your new found self.

I can relate to a lot of the things your friend is going though, i still smoke and drink a lot more than i should. I do agree with you on the lying part, lying is just shameful, its one thing i will get mad at people for, just for the fact its not needed.

The best way from my experience in dealing with these situations is; Show them what they have done to the ones they love, if she is so set on being a derolict, delinquent, destructive boyfriend taking advantage of her, then all you can do is let it be. Just let it be...

I know you wish to help/save your friend, but unless she is a willing participant you will get nowhere, im a stubborn person, alot more stubborn than her times 10. I understand this, i left home when i was 16 in spite of a parent and his new found partner. The thing that made me understand and have the ability to accept help was hitting rock bottom. Absolute zero. No money, few friends, nowhere to live. Sometimes you need to let people feel the fire before they decide to move.

All i can say is, be a friend, not a parent.

 

[Snackersmom]

This definitely sounds like a toxic relationship. Tough love is probably the way to go. Like Dubbaz said, she may have to hit rock bottom before she will admit that she needs help. Pray for guidance, of course, but you probably need to give her an ultimatum. Be tough, be honest, but be kind as well (ask the Holy Spirit to help you, and tell her with a letter if you are more comfortable). Have you ever seen Matt Pitt's testimony? You might want to check it out, he's now the leader of a large youth church called "The Basement", and he got saved after his parents gave him an ultimatum.

Welcome to the forums, btw, it's good to have you. I'm glad to hear that your relationship with Christ has blossomed so beautifully. Cute screen name! God Bless, -Nicole