What Sort of a Relationship are you Looking for?

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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
DuchessAimee... made me think realize something.

I think there are different subconscious expectations about what our relationships are suppose to look like.
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We can all agree on some points:

*We want a Christian Marriage - Meaning, a life long Christ centered Marriage.
*We want to feel like we belong and that our beliefs are validated.
*We want to be able to express love and feel safe in our Marriage.


But do you want to work in a Ministry or do you want a Career?
Do you want to Buy a house and live out the rest of our lives there or do we want to Try different places?
Do you want 2 kids or do you want 5 or do you want no kids?
Do you want to be with someone who is gone a lot to make money?
Do you want to live in a City or do you want to own a bit of property?
Do you want to stay active and find someone who pushes you?
Do you want to be with someone who likes being around people?
Do you want to be with someone who is always curious and learning new things?
Do you want to Lots of Pets or no pets or just a fish?


But these are Topical things. what I'm really curious to know is:
What is the expectation for the dynamic that you want to find in a relationship?
If your goal as a couple is to support each other in your careers, what does that look like?
If it is for one of you to stay at home with the kids, what does that look like?
If your goal is to Travel often as Missionaries, what does that look like?
If your goal is to simply fall in love and figure it out, what does it look like to you?
 
Wow Liamson, are you clairvoyant? I was thinking about this extensively yesterday.

I picture myself with another bookish, career/ministry-minded individual (I see no difference between a Christian's professional calling and the ministry, even if its engineering). One or two children, possibly three. Essentially however many we think our lives and livelihoods would be able to sustain.

We would enjoy each other's company and lean on one another for support.

Yes, I prefer the cult of domesticity in my heart of hearts, but that seems to be nigh on impossible these days. I would ideally fight to structure society in a way that would make such a thing affordable again.
 
I took cues from the Family who raised the kids I grew up with. My own Family was mostly about Watching TV and Work. But my friends Family was about Family and Service. Church and Ministry was simply an extension of Family. There was Household Chores and Church projects and little daylight between the two.

I want to have that. I don't want to live a life that is motivated by making money and collecting stuff. I don't need a 4 acre mini-farm with Horses, chickens and a 4 wheeler. I like being able to Travel, by air, by Train, by motorcycle, by bus, or by boat. I like meeting new people and going where people go. I like big Markets and swap meets and Festivals.

I like Being involved and Volunteering in a way that requires more than just my time. I worked for World Relief in Boise sponsoring refugees from Iraq and it was some of the most creative evangelism I've ever been apart of. I want to find someone who is okay with going out and taking a personal interest in the life of a stranger. Not in an Arms length change in a cup way but to take them in and treat them like family.
 
I want a wife that I can sit and talk about God with, and read and talk about scripture with. I personally want to be involved with some kind of ministry so if I'm married I think it could be that much stronger if we were involved in it together. As far as kids go, I already have three, so I would like someone who either has kids of their own, or at least loves being around kids.
 
Hmm, what do I want out of a relationship?

I want a man who loves God more than he loves me.

I want to be able to talk about God, the bible, the latest sermon, etc.

I want him to be the spiritual head of the household.

He should be comfy with being himself, and comfy with me being me.

I want him to feel he can confront me when I'm being out of line or when I've hurt him.

Since I may not be able to have children, he needs to be okay with that, and either have his own kids, or want to adopt.

I like to be involved in celebrate recovery, so he either needs to be okay with that, but hopefully he'll be apart of it too.

Church is important to me, so he has to be an attender.

I'm going to be a nurse, so he needs to be good with me working 12 hour shifts 3 or 4 days a week.

Although I'm good with taking care of the kids, and then when they're in school I can go back to full time.

I want him to listen to me, not try to fix me, and let me cry for as long as I need to.

My "love language" is words of affirmation and giving gifts. I would like to know his love language so he always feels loved and respected. Hopefully, he show me he loves me by communicating with me via my love language. Also, I love giving gifts! Even if it's just "hey, I bought you your favorite gum" or making his favorite dinner.

And other stuff.
 
Liamson said:
DuchessAimee... made me think realize something.

I think there are different subconscious expectations about what our relationships are suppose to look like.


We can all agree on some points:

*We want a Christian Marriage - Meaning, a life long Christ centered Marriage.
*We want to feel like we belong and that our beliefs are validated.
*We want to be able to express love and feel safe in our Marriage.


But do you want to work in a Ministry or do you want a Career? God has called me to music ministry for most of my life. I can't imagine Him changing that. I love my job too though. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
Do you want to Buy a house and live out the rest of our lives there or do we want to Try different places?This wouldn't matter to me either way. I'm a military brat. We are highly adaptable. I would NOT want to be far from my son for long periods of time though, even if he is grown now.
Do you want 2 kids or do you want 5 or do you want no kids? I love kids. I CAN have more, but not sure it's God's plan for my life. It would be enough for me to adopt a child if my husband wanted to or I could help him raise any children he may have of his own.
Do you want to be with someone who is gone a lot to make money? NO
Do you want to live in a City or do you want to own a bit of property? I need room to run. Not a fan of crowds.
Do you want to stay active and find someone who pushes you? I can't sit still for long, so I don't need anyone to push me. If anything it would be great to have someone who could help me learn to chill. :)
Do you want to be with someone who likes being around people? I don't mind being around people from time to time, but I need quiet time too. If he wanted to go play football with the guys or something while I did that, I'd be cool with it.
Do you want to be with someone who is always curious and learning new things? Yes. If you stop learning, you die.
Do you want to Lots of Pets or no pets or just a fish? As long as my dog is alive, I want him with me.
Click to expand...

Will answer more later. I'm hungry :)
 
i like your statement duchessaimee i'm a handicapped man wanting a wife. i would love to adopt a child. i am a GOD loving man and i wanna know more about you.

DuchessAimee said:
Hmm, what do I want out of a relationship?

I want a man who loves God more than he loves me.

I want to be able to talk about God, the bible, the latest sermon, etc.

I want him to be the spiritual head of the household.

He should be comfy with being himself, and comfy with me being me.

I want him to feel he can confront me when I'm being out of line or when I've hurt him.

Since I may not be able to have children, he needs to be okay with that, and either have his own kids, or want to adopt.

I like to be involved in celebrate recovery, so he either needs to be okay with that, but hopefully he'll be apart of it too.

Church is important to me, so he has to be an attender.

I'm going to be a nurse, so he needs to be good with me working 12 hour shifts 3 or 4 days a week.

Although I'm good with taking care of the kids, and then when they're in school I can go back to full time.

I want him to listen to me, not try to fix me, and let me cry for as long as I need to.

My "love language" is words of affirmation and giving gifts. I would like to know his love language so he always feels loved and respected. Hopefully, he show me he loves me by communicating with me via my love language. Also, I love giving gifts! Even if it's just "hey, I bought you your favorite gum" or making his favorite dinner.

And other stuff.
Click to expand...
 
What is the expectation for the dynamic that you want to find in a relationship? Someone who appreciates depth, yet knows how to have fun. Someone who knows how to work hard, believe fiercely and play like a child. Someone who will speak his mind whether I agree or not and respects me enough to let me do the same in a respectful way. Someone who loves me in spite of my flaws.
If your goal as a couple is to support each other in your careers, what does that look like?One day one of us will have a good day. One will have a bad day. One will make bad choices. One will make good choices. Both will make both good and bad choices. The key is to learn to support and encourage one another.
If it is for one of you to stay at home with the kids, what does that look like? I am not a stay at home kinda lady. My brain would turn to mush. HOWEVER, I do know how to stagger working hours with a spouse so that one or the other is available for child care. You don't fit kids to your schedule. You fit yours to their needs and be a responsible parent.
If your goal is to Travel often as Missionaries, what does that look like? My mission field is wherever I am.
If your goal is to simply fall in love and figure it out, what does it look like to you? Truthfully, that's exactly what it comes down to. We probably all have preconceived notions and preferences, but just as we change and grow as individuals, couples will change and grow as well. Life happens.
 
i think i am more for the last one.

falling in love, then figuring it out from there.

:o:rolleyes:
 
A certain chemistry. There are particular qualities that I like, but its chemistry that I am looking for. It's a bit hard to explain. I guess being similar to me in certain ways; that we're compatible. It's hard for me to answer many of these questions because it really depends, and I am tired, and am so far from being married that I rather not think about it until I actually have a bf.
 
Do you want 2 kids or do you want 5 or do you want no kids? Yes, I have 4 and would love a house full.
Do you want to be with someone who is gone a lot to make money? I would rather be with someone that makes me happy.
Do you want to live in a City or do you want to own a bit of property? I would rather live in the country but it does not matter if we own or rent... again as long as we are happy.
Do you want to stay active and find someone who pushes you? I want to stay active and find someone that accepts me for me, and it does not matter to them as long as I myself am happy.
Do you want to be with someone who likes being around people? For me this is not a criteria for a relationship.
Do you want to be with someone who is always curious and learning new things? Again not a criteria for a relationship, but knowledge is always a plus.
Do you want to Lots of Pets or no pets or just a fish?.. Um.. not a fan of pets however I have kids so I have no real choice :)

Good thing I am not looking to date, huh?

But these are Topical things. what I'm really curious to know is:

What is the expectation for the dynamic that you want to find in a relationship?
If your goal as a couple is to support each other in your careers, what does that look like?
If it is for one of you to stay at home with the kids, what does that look like?
If your goal is to Travel often as Missionaries, what does that look like?
If your goal is to simply fall in love and figure it out, what does it look like to you?

The answer to all the questions above are simple. When the right person comes into your life then that is when you can truly answer the questions. Because before love we assume we know how it will be, but when true love truly finds you it is never what you expected it to be. :)
 
Liamson said:
I took cues from the Family who raised the kids I grew up with. My own Family was mostly about Watching TV and Work. But my friends Family was about Family and Service. Church and Ministry was simply an extension of Family. There was Household Chores and Church projects and little daylight between the two.

I want to have that. I don't want to live a life that is motivated by making money and collecting stuff. I don't need a 4 acre mini-farm with Horses, chickens and a 4 wheeler. I like being able to Travel, by air, by Train, by motorcycle, by bus, or by boat. I like meeting new people and going where people go. I like big Markets and swap meets and Festivals.

I like Being involved and Volunteering in a way that requires more than just my time. I worked for World Relief in Boise sponsoring refugees from Iraq and it was some of the most creative evangelism I've ever been apart of. I want to find someone who is okay with going out and taking a personal interest in the life of a stranger. Not in an Arms length change in a cup way but to take them in and treat them like family.
Click to expand...

I can relate well with this. Instead of letting my children watch the bilge that passes for programming today, I'll teach them to read early. Instead of letting my boy (presupposing I have one) play MOH, I'm dragging him by the collar to the range (presupposing ranges are not outlawed).
 
What is the expectation for the dynamic that you want to find in a relationship?
I want.......Adaptability. Team effort. I want someone with whom I can go from having a simple, quiet life to living in a fast pace if needed, if the circumstances call for it, or if God calls for it. I want someone who will push me to do better, or tell me to relax if I need to. He can listen to what I say, and I can listen to what he says. We can understand each other's ''language''.

If your goal as a couple is to support each other in your careers, what does that look like?
I will do little things for him so he can do the big things. If I see that he is too busy to do whatever housechore, I'll do it for him. If I see that he is stressed out, I won't bother him with more stressful topics. I don't wanna be a complainer if he is having a bad day. There is a place and time for everything. Support can be expressed in many ways, it all depends on his personality.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do career-wise yet, but I'm hoping he will do the same effort for me.

If it is for one of you to stay at home with the kids, what does that look like?
If we have kids, I think I would stay at home when they are babies 'till they go to kindergarten. I don't know if I could be a full time stay at home mom ALL THE TIME though. It depends on how our dynamic works and how good our financial situation is. I just know that I wanna be involved in my kids' life as much as possible, but when they grow up then maybe I would work part-time. This is how I see it: If I have time for my kids and husband while I work, I will work. If I don't have time for my kids or husband if I work, I won't, but I would try to be more involved in ministry if that's the case, supporting charities or helping out at church.

If your goal is to Travel often as Missionaries, what does that look like?
I have no idea. Sometimes I ask myself this question. I could picture myself and my future mate moving to Norway(why Norway? I'm not sure) and supporting diffent churches, charities and working with other missionaries. Or I could see us moving to a poor area in Mexico or South America and evangelizing indigenous towns. How would we support ourselves? I have no idea lol.

If your goal is to simply fall in love and figure it out, what does it look like to you?
Since my plans depend on a number of factors, I will have to figure out much of them when the time comes. I'll just do my thing, he will do his, and God will do His. I will pray our will comes together as one with His.
 
Friends. Only Friends.
Not friends looking to date me later.
Not friends that find that I am useful to them and they can use me to fill a need.
Not friends that pity me and reach out to me as "Their Ministry."

Friends.
Mutually beneficial friendly companion like relationships with people that get that I have a whole metric buttload (larger than the standard US measure, much like the metric ton) of stuff going on and therefore don't require a whole lot of me.
Friends that promote common Christian values and who expect me to do the same.
Friends that are not needy and who don't mind getting the parts of me that are left over at the end of the day, understanding that some nights I sleep in the chair where I sit now because I've just been too busy to make it the other 3 yards to the bed.
Friends without any underlying motives.
Friends who have and enforce healthy boundaries in their own life and who are accepting of my own boundaries.
Friends who are not afraid to tell me the truth, hopefully in love, even when it is something I do not want to hear.
Friends who are iron, that we may sharpen one another.
 
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