M
I have had trouble walking with God my entire life. Years of childhood abuse and neglect have rendered me unable to sense or feel him in the way others can. I read a daily devotional, go to a very intense weekly Bible study and love going to Church on Sunday. I have accepted Christ and have been baptized. However, I am so afraid of failing (which I am good at) that I stop trying after awhile and stay stagnant. The more I dive in to get close to God, the further I feel I am being pushed away. I find myself believing that God doesn't want me because NOTHING works. I find a happy medium and a friend and then I follow God and lose it all, only to repeat the same thing again. I have no one to talk to and feel like I stay alive only for my daughter. I had a Church mentor who really helped me and now (for no reason I know of) doesn't even acknowledge my existence and now does not respond to emails or phone calls. My husband is unaware of how hurt I am and how much I desire to have just one good friend to spend time with. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. After being diagnosed with depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (and since the birth of my daughter) anxiety I feel like I might be a lost cause to God. What will I ever be able to do for him? Should I keep trying or reside myself to a life of misery and just try to pretend that I am happy on the outside while I die on the inside.