What's next?

[a-loden]

Hello everyone. I am looking for advice on what to do next in my marriage. My husband and I just had a huge fight and its not the first. This one started with me having a surprise for him when he got home. He has been working different times than me lately so I decided to give him a treat. I bought rose petals and spread them on the floor leading to a nice arrangement of candles, candles which i spread around a bubble bath. I mean i mixed him up a mask and cut cucumbers. laid out a towel and his pj's.... the whole nine yards. I even left a note telling him to look behind the couch for a gift he had been wanting in which i wrapped for him. ALL to express my love. After this all i get home, his main focus was on how i didn't put the soda cap on tight enough and he had to have flat soda with his dinner. I told my husband with a smile, thank you for finding the one thing i did wrong. Then there flew out of his mouth every foul word you could imagine. down to him telling me, EASY COME EAST GO b*!?&!! I had some cash on me, he took the cash from my purse and made a trail of cash to the door like i did the rose petals. i was crying at this point picking up the money. he starts laughing telling me to pick up the money like the whore i am................I don't know what to do with being treated like a dog from my own husband. i don't want a divorce.

 

[Ponderer]

My friend, I feel for you. This is not right, as he is verbally abusing you. I don't know how long this has been going on, but sounds like he needs counseling. I'd suggest to him "Let's go get some counseling to strengthen our marriage." Not to sound bad, but have you considered that he might suffer from a mental health issue? Is he a believer? Has he shared w/ you about anything in his past that could have led to this? I will be praying for you!

In Christian sisterly love,
Ponderer

 

[a-loden]

He is what i would call a selective believer, when the situation fits him to believe. I ask for counseling and he replies that God is his only counsel.

 

[a-loden]

I love him with all my heart. He is a good man, but on days like these he breaks me as hard as he can.

 

[Mikhal88]

Your situation is a tough one, but however there must be a reason for his behaviour. Be it something you had done or he had done or maybe he has a mental issue and requires medication. Or he maybe cheating on you and because of his guilt inside he reflects that in his behaviour trying to make you look like the bad one because he knows inside he is. Just my thoughts... I am sure there is a reason why. Reasons which i doubt you would like to share.

 

[a-loden]

He has cheated in the past. We have gotten past that now. things were actually looking brighter. He just always has something bad to say about anything i do. I have had trouble biting my tongue to his dry sarcasm. i don't feel he loves me. I try and look for signs showing his love to me but lately, there are none.

 

[a-loden]

I just have been so lonely and miserable lately. We cant talk to one another or it ends in a fight. Something as simple as the weather has ended in a heated argument. I guess all I'm asking is how does a marriage survive with no respect. and when the husband gives up.

 

[shemaiah]

I don't know much about such things but I know kindness leads to a change of heart and through prayer and a relationship with God, his life can be transformed. Even though your husband is highly unstable right now, your actions can change him through the power of Christ. God bless

 

[Mikhal88]

Well one thing i can say is at least you have the only real reason to leave him if it ever comes to that, and you do not have to feel guilty about it. The things he says to you is shocking and i cannot actually believe someone would treat anyone like that, specially his own wife. Well then again you get really bad people out there who do worse. If he really does love you and wants to be with you ask him to go with you to counseling to get help and fix the relationship between you two. A lot of people who call themselves Christian can be the biggest hypocrites and thus are not actually living up to how one should. I am sorry but if he was a true Christian he would have never cheated on you or say things like he does, okay people make mistakes and one should forgive if the mistake was once but if it happens again there is no excuse. I normally have a three strike rule on forgiveness, only for obviously major things and somethings i will not give any second chances. I am not saying i will hate the person or not forgive them but i will no longer want them in my life.

 

[Mikhal88]

Don't you have any friends you can spend time with to help cheer yourself up. I seriously think he needs to go on medication, does he show any signs that he could have some condition.

 

[a-loden]

He tells me I'm the one needing medication because i cry when we fight. I dont have any friends. He has pushed my best of friends away. We just have two different personalities. we clash. i just never let divorce be an option. now I'm second guessing. im so lonely and miserable.

 

[Mikhal88]

If you did not cry then there would be something wrong. People are always so arrogant and stubborn when they are the ones who actually need medication. Your tears show your love for him yet even though he is horrible to you... He doesn't realize how actually lucky he is to have someone like you so devoted and loyal. It yet always seems the right people end up with the wrong people. Not sure how you two decided to marry if you both come from different worlds. Men always change after marriage and start to neglect and become less passionate to there spouse since they now believe they have you and own you and no longer have to care. Something could have also occurred during your marriage that changed his personality, i have seen this happen a lot. I know since i have three sisters and know of the ups and downs they go through in life. My sisters, well particularly the one always comes to me for support or advice when she has problems with her fiance or general things in life. If you want, not sure if it will help i could be like a penpal friend for you to talk with. If you want to, my email is [email protected]

 

[Ugly]

I love him with all my heart. He is a good man, but on days like these he breaks me as hard as he can.

Actually, no, he's not a good man. A genuinely good man would never behave that way to his wife. What you have is an abusive man. Most women with abusive spouses say the same things you do. You, in fact, are a textbook abuse victim. And he sounds like a textbook abuser. He insults you, demeans you, and crushes your spirit.. and like a typical victim you go 'but i love him, he's a good man'. Wake up an smell the abuse.
No one wants to end up divorced, but be aware, very few abusers ever stop. Why? They never take responsibility. They always blame the person they abuse for causing them to be this way.

Let me give you a few typical behaviors of abusers..
Isolating the victim - He pushed all your friends away eh?
Blaming the victim - He thinks you need medication for crying when he's mean.
Cheating - He has cheated.

These are just a few signs of abusers. Not my opinion, but these are genuine signs.

If your husband was a true believer and received Godly counsel he should know Ephesians 5:25-30..
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.


And what does it mean to love? Try 1 Corinthians 13:4-7..
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.


Also, take note, because of their inability to take responsibility for their abusive behavior, the likelihood your husband will ever change is below 10%.
The sooner you get out of this situation, and leave him, and get this evil abusive man out of your life for good, the better. If he's this bad this early in life, then i have no trouble seeing him become violent. Don't think for a minute thats not possible. If he's willing to throw money on the floor and call you a whore as you pick it up, is, in my opinion, quite close to becoming violent.

Leave him. The sooner the better. I'm sorry, i know you don't want to. But this is not the life God intends for you.

 

[Mikhal88]

Sorry >>> Ugly <<< but the only reason to divorce is on the following grounds, as spoken by our Lord...

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" [Matthew 5:32]

If a person made a mistake and has a bad spouse that is their problem and they should have known before hand who they actually marrying. In the end most marriages will end in adultery and then a divorce is justified. It is hard to take to heart if a spouse abuses you physically or verbally, but Christ has spoken and without His righteous justification we cannot say otherwise, but we can pray for forgiveness. And thus depending on your situation i know Christ will forgive, but this does NOT mean you can now do as you please and say Christ will forgive me. In "a-loden" case, her spouse has already committed sexual immorality and even though she has forgiven him she may still use the sexual immorality as a justified means for divorce. In such a case the person who has committed this sexual immorality, are they the adulterers and not the innocent of the two. So in her case she will have no sin with her and if she remarries she is not an adulterer nor is the one who marries her. And so she would have removed what is impure from her flesh to replace with what is pure again. I follow as written that when we marry we become one flesh, as your body belongs to her so does her body belong to you. Anyone who is now abusive to themselves are they also abusing their spouse.

 

[a-loden]

I thank you all for your kindness. My confusion was with divorce. He did cheat on me before i married him. It was my mistake of thinking the problems were over. He has been abusive in the past but the physical has stopped. Yes i do know that i have the option to leave. Leaving a marriage is not easy when so many things are entwined. I sadly don't think i have the financial freedom for leaving. Nor do i have friends to turn to. Family, i have none as well. this is why i feel so alone. In fact if he finds me talking to you all there is no telling what will happen, i know it wont be good......My heart is for God and I do pray for guidance but less and less light has been coming my way. On that note, thank you guys for shinning your light my way.

 

[Mikhal88]

Never give up hope and faith in God even when the worst comes to you in life... the end reward will be worth it all. I am sorry for your situation in life... i wish i could help (I am a sucker when it comes to helping people out, not a good thing sometimes as the outcome can be bad) but life has limits unfortunately, well for now at least. Are you sure you have absolutely no one to turn to, like an old school friend etc. Well then again i have no friends i could ever turn to, but at least i have a loving family who will always be there for me.

To say i can never understand women, because just like your situation are so many other women also in. The thing is how could you continue to love someone if they abused you? I suppose love can make you do crazy things. It is better to learn late than never.

Yes i understand, him finding out would cause quite a problem and bring greater problems. I hope all the best for you and you have my prays in finding a solution to your current situation. Just know if you do need someone to talk to, even if it is from a screen and keyboard [LOL] i am here and so are others who will help you where they can.

 

[Ugly]

Sorry >>> Ugly <<< but the only reason to divorce is on the following grounds, as spoken by our Lord...

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" [Matthew 5:32]

If a person made a mistake and has a bad spouse that is their problem and they should have known before hand who they actually marrying. In the end most marriages will end in adultery and then a divorce is justified. It is hard to take to heart if a spouse abuses you physically or verbally, but Christ has spoken and without His righteous justification we cannot say otherwise, but we can pray for forgiveness. And thus depending on your situation i know Christ will forgive, but this does NOT mean you can now do as you please and say Christ will forgive me. In "a-loden" case, her spouse has already committed sexual immorality and even though she has forgiven him she may still use the sexual immorality as a justified means for divorce. In such a case the person who has committed this sexual immorality, are they the adulterers and not the innocent of the two. So in her case she will have no sin with her and if she remarries she is not an adulterer nor is the one who marries her. And so she would have removed what is impure from her flesh to replace with what is pure again. I follow as written that when we marry we become one flesh, as your body belongs to her so does her body belong to you. Anyone who is now abusive to themselves are they also abusing their spouse.

Yeah, i've been saved over 20 years. People like you do more damage to people though. Being in an abusive situation is not 'just a mistake'. Its much more serious than that and i don't believe for one minute the heart of God desires women, or men to be subject to humiliation, condemnation, physical violence, demeaning treatment, crushing peoples spirits, destroying their self esteem, etc.... You keep the letter of the law, keep people in situations that make them lonely, desperate, hurt, and suicidal. This isn't a matter of just not getting along or having disagreements. Also, this man HAS cheated, so she still has your 'letter of the law' right to divorce.

 

[Mikhal88]

Yeah, i've been saved over 20 years. People like you do more damage to people though. Being in an abusive situation is not 'just a mistake'. Its much more serious than that and i don't believe for one minute the heart of God desires women, or men to be subject to humiliation, condemnation, physical violence, demeaning treatment, crushing peoples spirits, destroying their self esteem, etc.... You keep the letter of the law, keep people in situations that make them lonely, desperate, hurt, and suicidal. This isn't a matter of just not getting along or having disagreements. Also, this man HAS cheated, so she still has your 'letter of the law' right to divorce.

On the contrary it is you that is mistaken because you do not know what has been given, you speak foolishly from this. You cannot question what God has spoken, His word is final. I understand what you are saying and even myself, can i not believe God would allow such things to occur and that He would't forgive you due to the situation. However as it is said you must honour your mother and father... now i question this to a point in how i can do this if your parent abuses you, rapes you or murders you. The thing is your honour in your Earthly father is the same as the honour would be to our heavenly Father. So if you cannot honour your Earhtly father how could you ever honour your heavenly Father? Despite if the acts committed are ungodly you cannot question Gods will and His choices and thus you cannot question your Earthly fathers [This however means that you don't have to love them but just honour them]. The same goes with marriage, if you made the mistake of marrying the wrong person then you must deal with the consequences you laid upon yourself. If you choose to leave your spouse under any other reason except sexual immorality, then you must remain celibate for the rest of your life. Your faith must be undying. The choices in life you make are by your own freewill, and so can only you put the blood on your hands or keep it off.

So i ask. You dare to question what our Lord Christ has said:

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" [Matthew 5:32]

We have no authority to do so, under no circumstances. We must remain faithful even to the point of death.

Your statements you have made are corrupting to those who seek the Truth. It is this same kind of thinking that has caused people to divorce continuously in life and thus no longer see marriage as anything sacred.

We must follow what we have been given and not decide to make our own laws as we please, because by this you will only be deluded. Many so called "christians" seek to twist the tongue of the Bible to suit there own desires instead of what God has claimed to be the Truth. They choose to open to only certain passages and neglect the rest, these people can never follow nor see the right from wrong because they have already made the choice to replace the right for the wrong.

So as i say again those who then so leave their spouse not under the grounds of sexual immorality must remain alone for the rest of their lives if they choose to be with God and blameless before Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We can clearly see from the Old Testament to the New Testament that the way of life has been changed to some extent and in a sense upgraded to the current point in time. I do myself believe even the New Testament requires updating, but who has the authority to do so? It is a gamble you take on your own heart which will always sways to the wrong in life. And doing this will people allow evil to enter the thoughts of the Truth. If we had been delivered the whole Truth, nobody will be able to follow it because their hearts are corrupt and will use it and twist the words to justify their own acts as right. And since we have no such divine guidance to our current time we must remain by Christs words. The thing is Christs words will not change but will only be added to in order to see the way of life clearer, and as i have said if people had this, as they already do with the Bible, will they twist the words for their own wants.

In the end i only give people the Truth as the Bible delivers and if they choose to listen so will they hear, and if not then they will not. I cannot force any thoughts of the Truth upon people, but i can hope they will question my words and see what i say is right.

 

[SoldatChristi]

Before I say my utterances, I do want to say for the record that I am not married, however I do believe some things are very prevalent in men, from a man's point of view. First of all, I am very sorry that you have to endure this. At the moment, I see a similar situation with my own father and mother (who have been married over 25 years). What you did for your husband was indeed very loving. He did not respond like you think he should have. Here are some questions to probably ask him when you guys are not fighting?

1) Do you feel disrespected by me, in any way?

2) If you don't feel respected, what can I do to make it better for you? What can I do better

Let me tell you, respect means so much to a man that it stirs the very part of who men are. I am engaged to be married soon. I have been with my girl for almost 2 years. When she respects me, man do I feel like sweeping her off her feet and making her feel like she's the most important person in my life. When she's disrespecting me, I retreat and back away (different men react differently). Now, there are things that I obviously need to work on. I NEED to love her whether she respects or does not respect me. The Bible says to love and respect REGARDLESS of whether the other person deserves it or not. It also says that the heart of you, as the wife, can change the man.

Is there hope for your marriage? HECK YEAH!! Does it need work? Yes it does. Seeing a counselor would help of course and of course he needs someone to be accountable to, as do you. God bless! I hope I have helped, a little even, and if I have offended you, I ask for your forgiveness.

 

[Gazza21]

On the contrary it is you that is mistaken because you do not know what has been given, you speak foolishly from this. You cannot question what God has spoken, His word is final. I understand what you are saying and even myself, can i not believe God would allow such things to occur and that He would't forgive you due to the situation. However as it is said you must honour your mother and father... now i question this to a point in how i can do this if your parent abuses you, rapes you or murders you. The thing is your honour in your Earthly father is the same as the honour would be to our heavenly Father. So if you cannot honour your Earhtly father how could you ever honour your heavenly Father? Despite if the acts committed are ungodly you cannot question Gods will and His choices and thus you cannot question your Earthly fathers [This however means that you don't have to love them but just honour them]. The same goes with marriage, if you made the mistake of marrying the wrong person then you must deal with the consequences you laid upon yourself. If you choose to leave your spouse under any other reason except sexual immorality, then you must remain celibate for the rest of your life. Your faith must be undying. The choices in life you make are by your own freewill, and so can only you put the blood on your hands or keep it off.

So i ask. You dare to question what our Lord Christ has said:

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" [Matthew 5:32]

We have no authority to do so, under no circumstances. We must remain faithful even to the point of death.

Your statements you have made are corrupting to those who seek the Truth. It is this same kind of thinking that has caused people to divorce continuously in life and thus no longer see marriage as anything sacred.

We must follow what we have been given and not decide to make our own laws as we please, because by this you will only be deluded. Many so called "christians" seek to twist the tongue of the Bible to suit there own desires instead of what God has claimed to be the Truth. They choose to open to only certain passages and neglect the rest, these people can never follow nor see the right from wrong because they have already made the choice to replace the right for the wrong.

So as i say again those who then so leave their spouse not under the grounds of sexual immorality must remain alone for the rest of their lives if they choose to be with God and blameless before Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We can clearly see from the Old Testament to the New Testament that the way of life has been changed to some extent and in a sense upgraded to the current point in time. I do myself believe even the New Testament requires updating, but who has the authority to do so? It is a gamble you take on your own heart which will always sways to the wrong in life. And doing this will people allow evil to enter the thoughts of the Truth. If we had been delivered the whole Truth, nobody will be able to follow it because their hearts are corrupt and will use it and twist the words to justify their own acts as right. And since we have no such divine guidance to our current time we must remain by Christs words. The thing is Christs words will not change but will only be added to in order to see the way of life clearer, and as i have said if people had this, as they already do with the Bible, will they twist the words for their own wants.

In the end i only give people the Truth as the Bible delivers and if they choose to listen so will they hear, and if not then they will not. I cannot force any thoughts of the Truth upon people, but i can hope they will question my words and see what i say is right.

You seem to be a very religious man. Where, in any of that post, have you shown the fruits of the Holy Spirit. It says in the bible you shall know them by their fruit, Matthew 7:16. All I saw there, was someone who was judging, condemning and had no love in them.

Yes you clearly know your bible, but do you know Jesus. The Jesus who ate with drunkards and sinners, who said 'those without sin cast the first stone, the Jesus who allowed a former prostitute to kiss and a anoint His feet with her hair and tears, the Jesus who sat with the woman at the well?

Do you know Him? Well if so, try to show some of Christ's love. 1Corinthians 13:2 "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."
You may be very knowledgeable of the Word but if you do not love, you are nothing.

You are treading where only Christ should tread. He has a right because he died on the cross for our sin, Worthy is the lamb who was slain! You have no right, so do not judge or you will be judged for how much you judge others. You are as much a sinner as the rest of us brother. Be careful because that is what the devil does to us when we slip up, "You call yourself a Christian when you ... ".