When should a guy tell a girl how he feels about her?

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A

Ancilla

Guest
#1
#1
Ok, this is what I wrote on another thread:

"Ok. So, if you like this girl you're going to end up with the tricky delema of when's the best time to tell her how you feel about her. As a girl, if a guy tells me he likes me too soon, that's a bit of a turn off. But, if he becomes friends with me while hiding his true feelings from me, I feel kind of decieved when he finally comes clean and tells me how he's felt about me all along. I had a guy complain to me once that he'll like a girl and ask her out and she'll say no because she doesn't know her, but if he takes the time to become friends with her and then asks her out she says no because she thinks of him as a friend."

In an article that can be found here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/2008/mind0618.html this guy (who has the personal and professional experience to really know what he's talking about) says:

"The problem is that a lot of men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her while hiding their interest in dating her. This is a rotten idea and sets a lot of men up for trouble."

and

"You have to be honest about what you're doing. Don't kid yourself and don't lie to her. Be friends all you want, but if you want to date her, she needs to know and you need to ask her out."

Any advice?
 
whiteknite

whiteknite

Banned
#3
Jan 9, 2009
819
4
0
#3
Wait a minute here! You say if a guy says he wants to date you too soon, it's a turn off; but if he waits & becomes friends with you first you feel decieved!
Sounds like a no win situation for the guy. Exactly WHEN is he suppose to reveal his true feelings to you? Or any woman for that matter? :confused::eek: :confused:
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#6
#6
whiteknite said:
Wait a minute here! You say if a guy says he wants to date you too soon, it's a turn off; but if he waits & becomes friends with you first you feel decieved!
Sounds like a no win situation for the guy. Exactly WHEN is he suppose to reveal his true feelings to you? Or any woman for that matter? :confused::eek: :confused:
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I won't deny it's a difficult situation. I guess the answer would be "not too soon, but not too late either." Ok, if I meet a guy and he asks me out on a date, that's not a turn off at all. I mean if I meet a guy at church or something and he's like "Did you want to get coffee some time?" Well, he either likes me* or (less likely) finds some amazing common ground that we have and wants to discuss it over a double double. Like, I'd ask a guy if he wants to have coffee with me if he's doing a masters thesis that I think is really interesting or something. But, if he says right off the bat that I'm the girl of his dreams, that might be coming on too strong for me. If I'm friends with a guy and he tells me he's starting to feel attracted to me, well that's ok. I've only had that happen to me once. Most other guys who've liked me said they were attracted to me when they first met me. Like that one guy I was friends with, one time I was just talking and talking and then out of no where he was like "shut up and kiss me." Of course, there's a difference between "attraction" and "liking."

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know what would make me the most comfortable, because when you tell someone you like them and they don't return those feels, that's awkward no matter how long you're known them or how close you are.

*or maybe he just hopes he'll find something in me that will lead him to like me.
 
V

voiceoftruth

Guest
#7
#7
Ancilla said:
I won't deny it's a difficult situation. I guess the answer would be "not too soon, but not too late either." Ok, if I meet a guy and he asks me out on a date, that's not a turn off at all. I mean if I meet a guy at church or something and he's like "Did you want to get coffee some time?" Well, he either likes me* or (less likely) finds some amazing common ground that we have and wants to discuss it over a double double. Like, I'd ask a guy if he wants to have coffee with me if he's doing a masters thesis that I think is really interesting or something. But, if he says right off the bat that I'm the girl of his dreams, that might be coming on too strong for me. If I'm friends with a guy and he tells me he's starting to feel attracted to me, well that's ok. I've only had that happen to me once. Most other guys who've liked me said they were attracted to me when they first met me. Like that one guy I was friends with, one time I was just talking and talking and then out of no where he was like "shut up and kiss me." Of course, there's a difference between "attraction" and "liking."

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know what would make me the most comfortable, because when you tell someone you like them and they don't return those feels, that's awkward no matter how long you're known them or how close you are.

*or maybe he just hopes he'll find something in me that will lead him to like me.
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haha i met this guy like 2 weeks ago at a bonfire thing my friend invited me to and then today my sister email me saying she met this guy and he was saying how he met this girl with my name at a bonfire that he thought was cute and he wants to go with coffee with. He tried to add me to facebook but I appear invisiable to everyone not on my friends list. so he got my sister to ask me...I am not sure what to do because i don't like this guy that way. My sister who has known him for a long time told me he is not a good guy for me... so yeahhh.
 
Johnoble

Johnoble

Member
#8
Apr 24, 2009
76
2
6
#8
I meet this girl, very beautiful and Christ minded, asked her number, went our like 4 times, our first date was at the theater, had great conversations about many subjects, it was clear that there was something developing in the two of us,at the end when things seemed to be getting more serious, I told her where she thought our relationship was heading and she basically told me that she was a difficult person and she wasn't interested in no deeper relationship than what we had already ..... I was like Ok????? What the heck! why do girls like to be begged? It's very obvious to tell when another human is interested in you, so all I can say is that both guys and gilrs should be daring and tell when they want to tell their feelings, I won't wanna have to go out again with a girl, get all happy and extited and at the end get dumped off.
 
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Ancilla

Guest
#9
#9
voiceoftruth said:
I am not sure what to do because i don't like this guy that way.
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Well, at that point I would have said that it's ok to get to know him, just be honest with him that you don't feel about him that way. But then I read...


voiceoftruth said:
My sister who has known him for a long time told me he is not a good guy for me... so yeahhh.
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So she's knows him and doesn't think you're a good match, then yeah, you should probably take your sister's advice and tell him you're not interested. See, that can seem mean, and I don't know the best way to do it without hurting his feels. BUT, I've learned (although this took me a really long time to learn) that it's better to hurt a guy's feelings then waste his time by leading him on, even if you don't mean to lead him on. When a guy likes you, he may interpret something you intend as "just a friend" as as sign that you're interested. If you send a message (even unintentionally) that you're interested when you're not, he'll be mad when he finds out you're not interested. What I'm saying is, sometimes when you're not interested in a guy they need to hear that loud and clear.
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#10
#10
Johnoble said:
I meet this girl, very beautiful and Christ minded, asked her number, went our like 4 times, our first date was at the theater, had great conversations about many subjects, it was clear that there was something developing in the two of us,at the end when things seemed to be getting more serious, I told her where she thought our relationship was heading and she basically told me that she was a difficult person and she wasn't interested in no deeper relationship than what we had already ..... I was like Ok????? What the heck! why do girls like to be begged? It's very obvious to tell when another human is interested in you, so all I can say is that both guys and girls should be daring and tell when they want to tell their feelings, I won't wanna have to go out again with a girl, get all happy and extited and at the end get dumped off.
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Yeah, I mean, what I said earlier about when's a good time for a guy to tell a girl how he feels about her, is "not too early but not too late." But if unsure it's good to ere on the side of too early. I mean if it's too early then it's awkward and a bit of a turn off, but it's better than wasting your time. Like, it never hurts to be honest.

See, sometimes I just haven't known a guy long enough to know if I like him. But, once I get to know a guy I reach that point where if I will like him I would have known already. I think I already mentioned that but it's true.

I posted a link on another thread from Joshua Harris' website. He asked a wise pastor what he thought about on-line dating. He said that he sees benefits but also concerns. The concerns out number the benefits, but they don't out weigh them. He mentioned one of the benefits is that people who sign up for on-line dating (especially sites that you have to pay for, which is most of them) are reasonably serious about wanting a relationship. Like, if you know someone from... church or wherever, and you kind like them, how do you get to know them better? Like, ok, here's a good example from when I was in university. There was this guy at my Bible study and I don't remember when I decided that I liked him but I do remember it took me a surprisingly long time. Maybe because he was good looking and charismatic and a really strong Christian and all the girls liked him and... it's like, he had a lot of reasons why girls in general should like him, but I guess it took me awhile to realize why I should like him. Like, a guy can be a great guy, but that doesn't mean he's great for me, just because he has a lot of no brainer great qualities. Or maybe it's because I liked his roommate. Well, anyway, we were both into the kind of movies that get nominated for the Academy Awards. He said that he hadn't gotten around to seeing the movie that eventually won Best Picture that year because he had no one to go with. Well, I go to movies by myself all the time and it doesn't feel weird at all. I told him he needed to get over the stigma of solo movie going. I did not realize that the reason why he couldn't go to the movies by himself is because he has an eye condition where he can't see very well in the dark and so he has needs someone to lead him to a seat. :eek: Yeah, so anyway, I'm anyway, I told him that I'd be willing to go to the movies with him sometime. Now, how is a guy supposed to interpret that??? Was I saying "I'd be willing to help you get around a movie theatre in the dark?" Was I saying "We like the same kind of movies so why don't we see some movies together?" Or was I saying "You should take me out sometime because I like you?" It's a difficult situation to understand.
 
C

Chocolate

Banned
#11
May 30, 2009
63
1
0
#11
Ancilla said:
Yeah, I mean, what I said earlier about when's a good time for a guy to tell a girl how he feels about her, is "not too early but not too late." But if unsure it's good to ere on the side of too early. I mean if it's too early then it's awkward and a bit of a turn off, but it's better than wasting your time. Like, it never hurts to be honest.

See, sometimes I just haven't known a guy long enough to know if I like him. But, once I get to know a guy I reach that point where if I will like him I would have known already. I think I already mentioned that but it's true.

I posted a link on another thread from Joshua Harris' website. He asked a wise pastor what he thought about on-line dating. He said that he sees benefits but also concerns. The concerns out number the benefits, but they don't out weigh them. He mentioned one of the benefits is that people who sign up for on-line dating (especially sites that you have to pay for, which is most of them) are reasonably serious about wanting a relationship. Like, if you know someone from... church or wherever, and you kind like them, how do you get to know them better? Like, ok, here's a good example from when I was in university. There was this guy at my Bible study and I don't remember when I decided that I liked him but I do remember it took me a surprisingly long time. Maybe because he was good looking and charismatic and a really strong Christian and all the girls liked him and... it's like, he had a lot of reasons why girls in general should like him, but I guess it took me awhile to realize why I should like him. Like, a guy can be a great guy, but that doesn't mean he's great for me, just because he has a lot of no brainer great qualities. Or maybe it's because I liked his roommate. Well, anyway, we were both into the kind of movies that get nominated for the Academy Awards. He said that he hadn't gotten around to seeing the movie that eventually won Best Picture that year because he had no one to go with. Well, I go to movies by myself all the time and it doesn't feel weird at all. I told him he needed to get over the stigma of solo movie going. I did not realize that the reason why he couldn't go to the movies by himself is because he has an eye condition where he can't see very well in the dark and so he has needs someone to lead him to a seat. :eek: Yeah, so anyway, I'm anyway, I told him that I'd be willing to go to the movies with him sometime. Now, how is a guy supposed to interpret that??? Was I saying "I'd be willing to help you get around a movie theatre in the dark?" Was I saying "We like the same kind of movies so why don't we see some movies together?" Or was I saying "You should take me out sometime because I like you?" It's a difficult situation to understand.
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O yes....the complicated life....of trying to do a better job then God.
 
A

Ancilla

Guest
#12
#12
Chocolate said:
O yes....the complicated life....of trying to do a better job then God.
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Don't be so quick to judge. Just because I don't follow all your rules doesn't mean I rely on God to lead me and seek guidence through prayer, the Bible and wise Christians. God never said in the Bible that He'll do all the work for us, just that He'll guide us.
 
A

amorelife

Guest
#13
#13
I've been the bold girl time and time again only to get turned down when I revealed my feelings for a guy. Now I choose not to do it anymore, for the fear of rejection. If someone likes me, I would want them to tell me though, but possibly they are thinking the same thing. So I guess I'm agreeing the johnoble and saying if you have feelings for someone let them know as soon as you feel that developing. And whatever happens with it is up to God. If it's a relationship that is God-intended it will work out, if it's not then it won't work out.
 
Kakashi

Kakashi

Senior Member
#14
Jan 3, 2007
626
2
0
36
#14
Chocolate said:
O yes....the complicated life....of trying to do a better job then God.
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Strangely, I agree with this to an extent, but disagree with the way that it was presented lol. There's a difference between "doing work and trusting God as you do so " to find someone and "overworking your mind to the point of frustration " to find someone. Theres an obvious difference and one is more complicated.

Yea, it's a complicated thing i suppose. Just go with the flow, but be on guard. What does the bible say? "Guard your heart." yes? If you like someone, you don't have to jump the guns and feel like you have to flip your life upside down to know if they feel the same. Dang lol. Also, if you feel liek you like someone and they like you, well then you don't have to say anything right away either. People form relationships sometimes on things they know about people, but people like to put up fronts and you don't get to know that person right away or even over a long period of time. Many of us do this. Jumping into relationships without knowing the person is like going into a jungle without a map. You'll be lost and frustrated and you'll probably be mauled by lions. And let me tell you, that is NOT pleasant haha. Know a persons character and you'll have a better foothold into knowing if a person is right for you.( and by "character" I don't mean just because someone calls themselves Christian. We all know that calling yourself something does not make you as such. Your actions must show it)

So, the original question " whens the right time?" theres no concrete answer. Use wisdom and common sense and read the flow of the relationship. Be comfortable with the person and be friends. Do NOT think of dating as something totally different than friendship, because it is not. I belive that is where deception really comes in. Friendship shouldn't be a stealth boat into the "magical world" of relatiionships where everything is different. If you are friends with someone, and then you start going out with that person, and they start acting differently around you character-wise, that is deception.


Overall, be patient. One of the toughest things to do in life apparently for us :p
 
L

lil-rush

Guest
#15
#15
whiteknite said:
Wait a minute here! You say if a guy says he wants to date you too soon, it's a turn off; but if he waits & becomes friends with you first you feel decieved!
Sounds like a no win situation for the guy. Exactly WHEN is he suppose to reveal his true feelings to you? Or any woman for that matter? :confused::eek: :confused:
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I'm not exactly the dating type, but I'm thinking it doesn't matter when a guy tells a girl he likes her. There is no too soon or too late. There is only the possibility that the girl likes you in return. If she doesn't like you then it doesn't matter when you tell her that you like her, because she wouldn't go out with you regardless.

And personally, if I was the dating type I'd much rather go out with a guy I considered a friend. I always find it rather silly when people go out with someone they don't consider a friend. Why would you try and build a relationship on a foundation that isn't even there? I mean, how does that work?
 
jaylynn83

jaylynn83

Banned
#16
Nov 14, 2008
2,715
4
0
#16
I believe the man should wait until the wedding day to tell a girl how he feels about her........
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#17
#17
lil-rush said:
I'm not exactly the dating type, but I'm thinking it doesn't matter when a guy tells a girl he likes her. There is no too soon or too late. There is only the possibility that the girl likes you in return. If she doesn't like you then it doesn't matter when you tell her that you like her, because she wouldn't go out with you regardless.

And personally, if I was the dating type I'd much rather go out with a guy I considered a friend. I always find it rather silly when people go out with someone they don't consider a friend. Why would you try and build a relationship on a foundation that isn't even there? I mean, how does that work?
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This pretty much sums it up to me.

Obviously a guy shouldn't proclaim undying love for the gal on the first or second or even third date.

The bottom line is, the girl is going to like or dislike the guy regardless of any 'tactics' the guy uses. If a guy has the use of his five senses and the ability to process words with more than one letter, then he should be able to pick up on the cues the gal gives!

Once you see or don't see the cues, you can move on. If you're still questionable on it, then find a low key way of finding out that won't nuke the entire friendship, assuming you'd like to remain friends.
 
jaylynn83

jaylynn83

Banned
#18
Nov 14, 2008
2,715
4
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#18
Why does a man need to tell a woman how he feels about her at all???? I mean where is the mystery people!! wouldnt you love to wonder ... "does he hate me?? Does he kinda like me?' "Does he think my breathe smells?" "Do these jeans make my butt look big." Its all about the element of surprise.... every relationship should have it.
 
D

dovey

Guest
#19
#19
Wow! have alot of people never dated? or made mistakes?...if God wants you to marry someone He will make it happen...naturally. Simple.....complications can ruin moments too.
 
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Leilaii425

Guest
#20
#20
The answer is never
 
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