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Two Sundays ago in church, the pastor there prayed for me, and it was amazing and I really felt the presence of God there with me. I really enjoyed what happened and I felt healed and forgiven and even before then God had been doing even little things for me that He knew I'd notice.
So I know he cares for me and that he has forgiven me for what I've done. It's been going on for so long though and I've done it again, and I'm ashamed. I don't understand why I continue to do this stuff even after I know its wrong and God has forgiven me for it. I pray so much to be changed by God that, to be completely honest, I don't feel like I deserve any more chances. I've started thanking God for the breaths I take because He could decided that I'm not worth His time whenever He wanted to. I grew up in church but just like any normal human being I fell into sin and temptation and I haven't been able to come out of it. I don't understand why, after I was touched by God like this and I was forgiven, I continue to do this. It's really wearing on my mental health and I live in fear that if I died in any moment I wouldn't be in heaven with my family and friend and all those people who are important to me. Heaven seems so hard to get in to and.. I'm scared. I believe that God can do anything, he has already shown to me time and time again that he can heal anything that I ask for, or even that I don't, but I've asked for this and it hasn't happened. Do I not have enough faith? Am I doing something wrong? It hurts to be fearful like this and I just want to be able to live without it again, I want my problems to be relative to math, not my eternity.. I want to feel secure again... What's wrong with me?
So I know he cares for me and that he has forgiven me for what I've done. It's been going on for so long though and I've done it again, and I'm ashamed. I don't understand why I continue to do this stuff even after I know its wrong and God has forgiven me for it. I pray so much to be changed by God that, to be completely honest, I don't feel like I deserve any more chances. I've started thanking God for the breaths I take because He could decided that I'm not worth His time whenever He wanted to. I grew up in church but just like any normal human being I fell into sin and temptation and I haven't been able to come out of it. I don't understand why, after I was touched by God like this and I was forgiven, I continue to do this. It's really wearing on my mental health and I live in fear that if I died in any moment I wouldn't be in heaven with my family and friend and all those people who are important to me. Heaven seems so hard to get in to and.. I'm scared. I believe that God can do anything, he has already shown to me time and time again that he can heal anything that I ask for, or even that I don't, but I've asked for this and it hasn't happened. Do I not have enough faith? Am I doing something wrong? It hurts to be fearful like this and I just want to be able to live without it again, I want my problems to be relative to math, not my eternity.. I want to feel secure again... What's wrong with me?