B
BlessedLovedByGod
Guest
The simple answer is that it is because we are not perfect and because the devil is working night and day to try and cause us to quarrel, and thus to separate us. Their quarrels are generally unintentional, at least when they start. They misunderstand the situation, other people or God’s ways. They don’t remember that they are imperfect and that they don’t know everything. They don’t make allowance for the fact that others are also imperfect and that it is possible that others might misunderstand them.
Of course, godly men can easily become ungodly under the pressure of temptation. What begins as an unintentional stand as a result of misunderstanding can soon go out of control as the flesh overpowers them. Paul and Barnabas were truly godly people. But they were not yet mature at the time of their quarrel. Therefore their quarrel became so severe that they parted from each other.
I am not advocating an idea that we will quarrel, and that we had better learn to live with it. Far from it. My intention is to point out some of the common reasons why people quarrel, so that we can learn to deal with such situations in a mature way and avoid that quarrel. Looking at it in another way, the more we understand Satan’s tactics, the more we can be careful not to give him the victory.
There are, of course, plenty of reasons. One can write a book about them that may be of interest to psychologists and psychiatrists. But my interest is only to see what we can do to avoid quarrels, from a spiritual point of view. So I want to look only at a few major issues.
People quarrel about many things. That is nothing unusual. But even worldly people expect that godly people should not be quarrelling. But the fact is that they do. People of God in all walks of life - husbands and wives, brothers and sisters in families and in the church, Christian workers, and even ‘men of God’ - quarrel. Christian churches and groups quarrel with one another. God’s name is blasphemed among the heathen because of the way His people behave (Rom.2:24). While it is tragic that people of God quarrel, it is more tragic because many times quarrels are based on wrong assumptions about what the others are doing and why they are doing those things. Of course people of God should not quarrel even for so-called valid reasons. Even when someone has done us harm God expects us not to return evil for evil, but a blessing (Lk.6:27-31). But if we quarrel thinking that others have done us harm when they were actually planning to do us good, isn’t it ridiculous? It is really tragic because the devil is sitting there and laughing.
One may think that the second person is a victim of a quarrel and not quarrelling himself. But just think that if he were able to bear and forgive, he would not feel upset with the others. He is also quarrelling, by keeping a distance with the others, which is what the devil wanted to achieve after all. We may be also familiar with quarrels between Christian leaders and churches when they make adverse comments about each other from the pulpit or through the press. Many times what begins as innocentarguments, perhaps about doctrine or some particular way something has to be done, with each person sincerely believing that he is right and the other person is wrong, turn out to become quarrels.
Some wise man has pointed out that it takes two people to quarrel. Perhaps it is more correct to say that if one man tries to quarrel and the other man does not respond in a similar way the quarrel will not get fanned up. Due to lack of fuel the fire goes out (Pr.26:20). Sometimes one who is mature can help in bringing peace by responding in a gentle and merciful manner (Pr.15:1). But sometimes foolish, ignorant or malicious people can rage on and on even when the other party does not respond in kind (Pr.29:9).
We don’t fear God that much. Even though we know these Biblical truths, we are quick to place tabs on people, or put each one into different pigeonholes. We say, “Oh, he is like that,” when we see or hear something, and quickly he is placed into that particular pigeonhole. It is not that we don’t know that we should not do this. But we are so busy in life doing many things or even doing the work of the Lord (!) that we don’t have time to pause and wonder about other people. The Holy Spirit tries to warn us that we are going to the right or to the left. But it is much easier to quickly come to some conclusion about people and situations and place them under some name or category, than to take the effort to think about them and try to understand why they have said or done what they did, or to examine ourselves to see if we have somehow misunderstood them or if it was possible that we could have provoked them in some way to react like they did.
It is a very humbling thing when we finally realise that we have judged someone wrongly. It is not just that our opinion about our discernment comes down – which is a good thing – but we realise that we have perhaps hurt others in the process.
We may also forget that the person we are dealing with may have changed from the way he was earlier when we had formed our opinion about him. We should be changing his pigeonhole, so to speak, rather than mechanically put him in the old one and get him off from our hands. But it’s too much bother, isn’t it?
What can we do to avoid quarrels?
Here are a few suggestions.
Recognise the fact that we have many faults, most of which we are not aware of, and then be willing to face our faults honestly. This will help us to be merciful and kind to others.
Recognise that we are not God. We neither know everything, nor is it possible for us to fully know what goes on in the other person’s mind.
Recognise that God’s wisdom has many sides. The best of us know only in part.
Be quick to hear, slow to judge and slow to speak.
Recognise that there is always a possibility that we could be wrong in some way or other.
Be willing to learn and change.
Recognise that others may be different from us and still be acceptable to God.
Recognise that even when someone does what we consider to be wrong, there could be factors there which we are unaware of which make him acceptable to God. Even when he is in fact wrong, see if he was trying to do right and failed because of ignorance or inherent folly. Finally even if we think he has no excuse, let us show him mercy just as God has been merciful to us.
Learn to appreciate the good we see in our brothers and sisters, especially their longing to please God, even if we notice that they are always not able to do everything right. Think of how we will gladly accept the attempts a child will make to draw a beautiful picture even though he is actually making a mess of it.
We know that we are not to make provision for the flesh (Ro.13:14), meaning that we must not give our flesh an opportunity to act according to its desires. But it is wise to make allowances for other people’s flesh so that we don’t unnecessarily provoke them.
Finally, let us learn to subject ourselves more and more to the Holy Spirit who alone can lead us into all truth, warn us when we tend to go to the right or left of the way, show us the image of Christ and transform us into that same image.
Of course, godly men can easily become ungodly under the pressure of temptation. What begins as an unintentional stand as a result of misunderstanding can soon go out of control as the flesh overpowers them. Paul and Barnabas were truly godly people. But they were not yet mature at the time of their quarrel. Therefore their quarrel became so severe that they parted from each other.
I am not advocating an idea that we will quarrel, and that we had better learn to live with it. Far from it. My intention is to point out some of the common reasons why people quarrel, so that we can learn to deal with such situations in a mature way and avoid that quarrel. Looking at it in another way, the more we understand Satan’s tactics, the more we can be careful not to give him the victory.
There are, of course, plenty of reasons. One can write a book about them that may be of interest to psychologists and psychiatrists. But my interest is only to see what we can do to avoid quarrels, from a spiritual point of view. So I want to look only at a few major issues.
People quarrel about many things. That is nothing unusual. But even worldly people expect that godly people should not be quarrelling. But the fact is that they do. People of God in all walks of life - husbands and wives, brothers and sisters in families and in the church, Christian workers, and even ‘men of God’ - quarrel. Christian churches and groups quarrel with one another. God’s name is blasphemed among the heathen because of the way His people behave (Rom.2:24). While it is tragic that people of God quarrel, it is more tragic because many times quarrels are based on wrong assumptions about what the others are doing and why they are doing those things. Of course people of God should not quarrel even for so-called valid reasons. Even when someone has done us harm God expects us not to return evil for evil, but a blessing (Lk.6:27-31). But if we quarrel thinking that others have done us harm when they were actually planning to do us good, isn’t it ridiculous? It is really tragic because the devil is sitting there and laughing.
One may think that the second person is a victim of a quarrel and not quarrelling himself. But just think that if he were able to bear and forgive, he would not feel upset with the others. He is also quarrelling, by keeping a distance with the others, which is what the devil wanted to achieve after all. We may be also familiar with quarrels between Christian leaders and churches when they make adverse comments about each other from the pulpit or through the press. Many times what begins as innocentarguments, perhaps about doctrine or some particular way something has to be done, with each person sincerely believing that he is right and the other person is wrong, turn out to become quarrels.
Some wise man has pointed out that it takes two people to quarrel. Perhaps it is more correct to say that if one man tries to quarrel and the other man does not respond in a similar way the quarrel will not get fanned up. Due to lack of fuel the fire goes out (Pr.26:20). Sometimes one who is mature can help in bringing peace by responding in a gentle and merciful manner (Pr.15:1). But sometimes foolish, ignorant or malicious people can rage on and on even when the other party does not respond in kind (Pr.29:9).
We don’t fear God that much. Even though we know these Biblical truths, we are quick to place tabs on people, or put each one into different pigeonholes. We say, “Oh, he is like that,” when we see or hear something, and quickly he is placed into that particular pigeonhole. It is not that we don’t know that we should not do this. But we are so busy in life doing many things or even doing the work of the Lord (!) that we don’t have time to pause and wonder about other people. The Holy Spirit tries to warn us that we are going to the right or to the left. But it is much easier to quickly come to some conclusion about people and situations and place them under some name or category, than to take the effort to think about them and try to understand why they have said or done what they did, or to examine ourselves to see if we have somehow misunderstood them or if it was possible that we could have provoked them in some way to react like they did.
It is a very humbling thing when we finally realise that we have judged someone wrongly. It is not just that our opinion about our discernment comes down – which is a good thing – but we realise that we have perhaps hurt others in the process.
We may also forget that the person we are dealing with may have changed from the way he was earlier when we had formed our opinion about him. We should be changing his pigeonhole, so to speak, rather than mechanically put him in the old one and get him off from our hands. But it’s too much bother, isn’t it?
What can we do to avoid quarrels?
Here are a few suggestions.
Recognise the fact that we have many faults, most of which we are not aware of, and then be willing to face our faults honestly. This will help us to be merciful and kind to others.
Recognise that we are not God. We neither know everything, nor is it possible for us to fully know what goes on in the other person’s mind.
Recognise that God’s wisdom has many sides. The best of us know only in part.
Be quick to hear, slow to judge and slow to speak.
Recognise that there is always a possibility that we could be wrong in some way or other.
Be willing to learn and change.
Recognise that others may be different from us and still be acceptable to God.
Recognise that even when someone does what we consider to be wrong, there could be factors there which we are unaware of which make him acceptable to God. Even when he is in fact wrong, see if he was trying to do right and failed because of ignorance or inherent folly. Finally even if we think he has no excuse, let us show him mercy just as God has been merciful to us.
Learn to appreciate the good we see in our brothers and sisters, especially their longing to please God, even if we notice that they are always not able to do everything right. Think of how we will gladly accept the attempts a child will make to draw a beautiful picture even though he is actually making a mess of it.
We know that we are not to make provision for the flesh (Ro.13:14), meaning that we must not give our flesh an opportunity to act according to its desires. But it is wise to make allowances for other people’s flesh so that we don’t unnecessarily provoke them.
Finally, let us learn to subject ourselves more and more to the Holy Spirit who alone can lead us into all truth, warn us when we tend to go to the right or left of the way, show us the image of Christ and transform us into that same image.
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