Why don't I have friends? HELP!

[Iokua08]

Hey guys, my name is Josh, well here's the situation: Ok, I'm 19 years old, I'm from Hawaii, graduated from highschool in 2008, spent a year volunteering abroad, traveling and performing in various countries, I just returned home in like September, enrolled to start college in Spring 2010, and I have no close friends what so ever!
You know how you have best friends? Then you have best friends that you don't really see often but it doesn't matter because when you see them again its like you were never apart? Well that could be me, minus the primary best friend. The people that I consider the closest live the farthest away, some on the other side of the world. Most of the time I like the peace and quite, I do really enjoy being alone, it gives me that time I need to think about my life, where I'm at, where I'm going. It's not like I'm a loner or anything, I know people, more acquaintences than anything deeper, I just don't have that best friend, the one we were suppose to get into mischief with, the one that plays a role in my big descisions, my best man. I've never had that kind of relationship. Ok, Jesus Christ is one of those people, but you know what I mean, don't you?.
Growing up I went to a private school, most of the friends I had were for the most part well to do, their parents were successful in their lives in various fields, and a lot of them were given whatever they asked for whether they were the rotten snobby kid or the real down to earth ones. On top of that, most of them were trust fund baby's! I never had anything against their privileges, but I always felt out of the loop you know, I mean I was at the opposite end of that leash. My father was an only parent who ran two businesses that did well in their glory days, so I heard, but when my younger sisters and I came to be, his business went from great down to just making ends meet (ok I exaggerated, we pretty much never made ends meet, and everything around us never stopped downsizing.). But it never really bothered us or got us down, my family and I were content with what we had, and what we had to make do with. I thank the Lord for helping my sisters and I study hard to get good grades which ultimately made us eligible for financial aide and scholarships to attend the private school.
When I was about 2 years old I was taken by my grandparents to live with them. My grandfather died when I was 5 and its was me and my grandmother ever since. Even though, I was still close with my dad, especially my sisters, but my grandmother and I have bonded so well that we're almost the same person when it comes down to our lifestyles and qualities. I wouldn't have wanted to be raised up any other way than by her teachings, though at times she may be stubborn when it comes to being open minded. My Dad was and still is a deacon, gradually assistant pastor, and my sisters and I have always really relied on the Lord to ultimately get us through anything, but we really dug deep into our spiritual walk when our mother left a year before highschool.
Of course there were those moments when I was embarrassed of who I was, and what I didn't have compared to all my friends at school. Imagine your peers pulling up in Hummers, Mercedez Benz, BMW's, Porshe Cayennes, you name it, they probably had it parked in their garages. Or flying as a group to countries like Greece, France, etc. during school breaks, but having to cop out on joing them primarily because I would never had afforded it, and if I did I would've spent it on my family. But those were just phases. But then maturity kicks in and you just have to bite the bullet. The thing is, I was always a little sensitive about my financial status.
While in highschool I felt like a hybrid or something, LOL, I lived my life by old fashioned morals, and at the same time succumbed to change for the better. It wasn't hard at all for me to make friends, in fact I was the all around kind of guy. You know how there are clicks amongst peers, well I was the guy who floated from one island to the next, clicking away at all the clicks, I was friends with everyone, not joking! On top of that, I made lots of long lasting friendships with my teachers and other aldults. It was funny when I realized I had more in common with adults, or older people in general than my own age group. And fortunately the school I went to was also Christian, I really got to share the love of Christ with everyone, and it was a blessing to see him working in people around school. I never really played sports, except for a year or two of paddling and swimming, no football, no soccer, mainly because I couldn't afford all that gear, but most importantly I hadn't the time, being the oldest meant a whole lot of responsibilities like keeping the house and yard clean, dinner, getting down on my siblings, and helpng my dad with his businesses.That definitely had left no time for sports practices.
Although since I was little one of the many things that I tried was dance, amongst other things like music. But since I was 3, I have been dancing, by middle school I danced professionally, even got paid, and on through highschool where I got paid to travel and dance. Of course the money I made came back to help the family, no regrets there. My sisters and I really learned music as well, in fact today my sister and I are music instructors. I must admit, music is my sisters strength, for me its dance. We both don't do as well if were to trade off.
Our mother was a director for The Hawaii Food Bank, so since we were young we always found a way to give back to our community, and lend a helping hand. Volunteering came almost as natural as dance. After highschool, I was accepted into a colleges of my choice, but I guess God had different plans for me cause I wasn't able to afford the out of state tuitions that the schools gave me. So instead I continued with my dance troupe and traveled the world performing, thankfully getting paid in the process, and in between performances, depending the counrty we were staying in at the time I volunteered with the locals which is always a blessing. I've made many friends along the way, and personally grew as a person. I don't regret not going straight to college, cause I learned soo much more, and got to experience soo much more.
Now, I am back home, and about to go to school in the Spring, and what do you know? I feel awfully lonely! Honestly, its hard trying to find someone that really understands me, or just isn't afraid to push my buttons. I know my sad life story sounds like a Cliche, LOL, but I am serious! I literally remember to ask God in prayer every night for a best friend of some sorts! I just thought that maybe if I shared a little about myself then you could understand my point of veiw, or at least try to. Even my friends at Church don't relate to me, and the ones that did all go to school out of state. Since highschool everytime I get really close to someone I would've considered "THAT FRIEND" , they end up dropping some bad bombshell on me, LORD BLESS THOSE BACKSTABBERS/UNLOYAL FRIENDS!
I don't know whats going on with me, am I doing something that emanates "DON'T BE MY BEST FRIEND!" or something? Lately I've been kind of down on this topic, which isn't good, especially since I am in my Churches Praise and Worship team, and an usher. But above all, I am a servant of Christ, and being so I have to be the best ambassador for God that I can be you know, I don't what someone to catch me in a bad mood. I guess I am also looking for someone who will adhere to my needs also, instead of just looking up to me for direction, like I'm perfect and always knows the answers. I want to be treated like an equal, like a human. At the moment I don't have the oppurtunities to be socially outgoing, but I'm sure when I start school there will be. What do you guys think? The past is the past, right now I am trying to shape my future, do you have any advice on things I could do to be a better person? Anything please! I reallly look forward to hearing your feedback. But if you guys could, please pray for me haha, I just need some direction. Please comment, or if you want email me at [email protected] , Thanks!

 

[songster]

Josh,

You're a very accomplished person, even at the age of 19. You've already done more in your teen years than many will do in a lifetime. I'm sure those accomplishments must bring you a sense of pride. From your description I would say that you are confident, articulate and you are not afraid to take the lead, and even with a lack of finances, you manage to become quite popular.

Keep in mind, that the type of relationship you're looking for develops naturally. It cannot be manufactured. Special friendships are not given to us because we're nice, popular or talented, though this will attract admirers, supporters and genuinely loving people. Close friendships are not born from our accomplishments or exposure to multiple group types. In fact, attempting to gain friends in each of these group types can very well cause a person to present only their best attributes, and you, my friend, have quite a few.

I have to comment briefly on something missing from your statement. Beside the mention of loneliness, and the insecurity you felt as a result of the lack of finances, in your detailed explanation, there was no mention of your struggles, your pain, personal problems or failings. There was no mention of who you were before your relationship with Christ. Please don’t misunderstand. Your statement is fine.

However, I want to emphasize that close friendships are born out of struggles. They're the people who identify with your pain and sense your discomfort. They rush to your side when everyone else runs away. They remember you for who you were, and not for what you did.

As you look back over these few years of activity in your life, remember that God’s purpose is in you and you are being prepared for that purpose. From your experiences in helping your Father with his business, to your relationships with peers and adults, your experiences are helping to shape the person you are to become. All of this can and will be used by God for His Kingdom.

As you trust people to see your weaknesses and as you develop more insight into yourself, your relationships will become more and more genuine and you will eventually also develop a sense of who you can present your vulnerable side to.

In your entire lifetime, do not be surprised if the closest friendships you’ve achieved can be counted on one hand. I pray that you will find such friends. Cherish them.

 

[oopsies]

I don't think you have to worry one bit. You seem like a great person and if I ever come down to Hawaii again, I'll be sure to be friends with you! ^.^ I made all my real close friends in college so, you might too! It took a while but the more often you hang out with them, the closer you will get.

 

[concernedguy]

Hey guys, my name is Josh, well here's the situation: Ok, I'm 19 years old, I'm from Hawaii, graduated from highschool in 2008, spent a year volunteering abroad, traveling and performing in various countries, I just returned home in like September, enrolled to start college in Spring 2010, and I have no close friends what so ever!
You know how you have best friends? Then you have best friends that you don't really see often but it doesn't matter because when you see them again its like you were never apart? Well that could be me, minus the primary best friend. The people that I consider the closest live the farthest away, some on the other side of the world. Most of the time I like the peace and quite, I do really enjoy being alone, it gives me that time I need to think about my life, where I'm at, where I'm going. It's not like I'm a loner or anything, I know people, more acquaintences than anything deeper, I just don't have that best friend, the one we were suppose to get into mischief with, the one that plays a role in my big descisions, my best man. I've never had that kind of relationship. Ok, Jesus Christ is one of those people, but you know what I mean, don't you?.
Growing up I went to a private school, most of the friends I had were for the most part well to do, their parents were successful in their lives in various fields, and a lot of them were given whatever they asked for whether they were the rotten snobby kid or the real down to earth ones. On top of that, most of them were trust fund baby's! I never had anything against their privileges, but I always felt out of the loop you know, I mean I was at the opposite end of that leash. My father was an only parent who ran two businesses that did well in their glory days, so I heard, but when my younger sisters and I came to be, his business went from great down to just making ends meet (ok I exaggerated, we pretty much never made ends meet, and everything around us never stopped downsizing.). But it never really bothered us or got us down, my family and I were content with what we had, and what we had to make do with. I thank the Lord for helping my sisters and I study hard to get good grades which ultimately made us eligible for financial aide and scholarships to attend the private school.
When I was about 2 years old I was taken by my grandparents to live with them. My grandfather died when I was 5 and its was me and my grandmother ever since. Even though, I was still close with my dad, especially my sisters, but my grandmother and I have bonded so well that we're almost the same person when it comes down to our lifestyles and qualities. I wouldn't have wanted to be raised up any other way than by her teachings, though at times she may be stubborn when it comes to being open minded. My Dad was and still is a deacon, gradually assistant pastor, and my sisters and I have always really relied on the Lord to ultimately get us through anything, but we really dug deep into our spiritual walk when our mother left a year before highschool.
Of course there were those moments when I was embarrassed of who I was, and what I didn't have compared to all my friends at school. Imagine your peers pulling up in Hummers, Mercedez Benz, BMW's, Porshe Cayennes, you name it, they probably had it parked in their garages. Or flying as a group to countries like Greece, France, etc. during school breaks, but having to cop out on joing them primarily because I would never had afforded it, and if I did I would've spent it on my family. But those were just phases. But then maturity kicks in and you just have to bite the bullet. The thing is, I was always a little sensitive about my financial status.
While in highschool I felt like a hybrid or something, LOL, I lived my life by old fashioned morals, and at the same time succumbed to change for the better. It wasn't hard at all for me to make friends, in fact I was the all around kind of guy. You know how there are clicks amongst peers, well I was the guy who floated from one island to the next, clicking away at all the clicks, I was friends with everyone, not joking! On top of that, I made lots of long lasting friendships with my teachers and other aldults. It was funny when I realized I had more in common with adults, or older people in general than my own age group. And fortunately the school I went to was also Christian, I really got to share the love of Christ with everyone, and it was a blessing to see him working in people around school. I never really played sports, except for a year or two of paddling and swimming, no football, no soccer, mainly because I couldn't afford all that gear, but most importantly I hadn't the time, being the oldest meant a whole lot of responsibilities like keeping the house and yard clean, dinner, getting down on my siblings, and helpng my dad with his businesses.That definitely had left no time for sports practices.
Although since I was little one of the many things that I tried was dance, amongst other things like music. But since I was 3, I have been dancing, by middle school I danced professionally, even got paid, and on through highschool where I got paid to travel and dance. Of course the money I made came back to help the family, no regrets there. My sisters and I really learned music as well, in fact today my sister and I are music instructors. I must admit, music is my sisters strength, for me its dance. We both don't do as well if were to trade off.
Our mother was a director for The Hawaii Food Bank, so since we were young we always found a way to give back to our community, and lend a helping hand. Volunteering came almost as natural as dance. After highschool, I was accepted into a colleges of my choice, but I guess God had different plans for me cause I wasn't able to afford the out of state tuitions that the schools gave me. So instead I continued with my dance troupe and traveled the world performing, thankfully getting paid in the process, and in between performances, depending the counrty we were staying in at the time I volunteered with the locals which is always a blessing. I've made many friends along the way, and personally grew as a person. I don't regret not going straight to college, cause I learned soo much more, and got to experience soo much more.
Now, I am back home, and about to go to school in the Spring, and what do you know? I feel awfully lonely! Honestly, its hard trying to find someone that really understands me, or just isn't afraid to push my buttons. I know my sad life story sounds like a Cliche, LOL, but I am serious! I literally remember to ask God in prayer every night for a best friend of some sorts! I just thought that maybe if I shared a little about myself then you could understand my point of veiw, or at least try to. Even my friends at Church don't relate to me, and the ones that did all go to school out of state. Since highschool everytime I get really close to someone I would've considered "THAT FRIEND" , they end up dropping some bad bombshell on me, LORD BLESS THOSE BACKSTABBERS/UNLOYAL FRIENDS!
I don't know whats going on with me, am I doing something that emanates "DON'T BE MY BEST FRIEND!" or something? Lately I've been kind of down on this topic, which isn't good, especially since I am in my Churches Praise and Worship team, and an usher. But above all, I am a servant of Christ, and being so I have to be the best ambassador for God that I can be you know, I don't what someone to catch me in a bad mood. I guess I am also looking for someone who will adhere to my needs also, instead of just looking up to me for direction, like I'm perfect and always knows the answers. I want to be treated like an equal, like a human. At the moment I don't have the oppurtunities to be socially outgoing, but I'm sure when I start school there will be. What do you guys think? The past is the past, right now I am trying to shape my future, do you have any advice on things I could do to be a better person? Anything please! I reallly look forward to hearing your feedback. But if you guys could, please pray for me haha, I just need some direction. Please comment, or if you want email me at [email protected] , Thanks!

Being just acquainted with a few people is a good thing. It may open the door to a deeper relationship
later. Best friends are hard to come by. Most people today are friends based on what you can do
for them. I don't have any friends at present. My friends just moved to another state and it can be
difficult at times.

I study God's Word daily and teach myself His Promises. We are commanded to wait on the Lord. I
try to wait patiently as I study His Word, seek His guidance and pray for His blessing. Some things
God has for you in life you will not get until you grow enough spiritually so that those things don't
pose a threat to you spiritually. Any time you are unsure, just know that God never is. When those
times come, and they will, just stay in His Word and seeking His Guidance and everything will fall
into place as you grow spiritually.

As we grow spiritually, we are being faithful in the little things as God works in our lives to grow us
to bigger things. If we are faithful in the small things, God will bless us in bigger ways.

 

[Iokua08]

Josh,

You're a very accomplished person, even at the age of 19. You've already done more in your teen years than many will do in a lifetime. I'm sure those accomplishments must bring you a sense of pride. From your description I would say that you are confident, articulate and you are not afraid to take the lead, and even with a lack of finances, you manage to become quite popular.

Keep in mind, that the type of relationship you're looking for develops naturally. It cannot be manufactured. Special friendships are not given to us because we're nice, popular or talented, though this will attract admirers, supporters and genuinely loving people. Close friendships are not born from our accomplishments or exposure to multiple group types. In fact, attempting to gain friends in each of these group types can very well cause a person to present only their best attributes, and you, my friend, have quite a few.

I have to comment briefly on something missing from your statement. Beside the mention of loneliness, and the insecurity you felt as a result of the lack of finances, in your detailed explanation, there was no mention of your struggles, your pain, personal problems or failings. There was no mention of who you were before your relationship with Christ. Please don’t misunderstand. Your statement is fine.

However, I want to emphasize that close friendships are born out of struggles. They're the people who identify with your pain and sense your discomfort. They rush to your side when everyone else runs away. They remember you for who you were, and not for what you did.

As you look back over these few years of activity in your life, remember that God’s purpose is in you and you are being prepared for that purpose. From your experiences in helping your Father with his business, to your relationships with peers and adults, your experiences are helping to shape the person you are to become. All of this can and will be used by God for His Kingdom.

As you trust people to see your weaknesses and as you develop more insight into yourself, your relationships will become more and more genuine and you will eventually also develop a sense of who you can present your vulnerable side to.

In your entire lifetime, do not be surprised if the closest friendships you’ve achieved can be counted on one hand. I pray that you will find such friends. Cherish them.

This is in response to your statement regarding my personal failings, pain, etc. Well, to begin, I went to church every once and a while, my grandparents made it an appointment for me to attend services, but ultimately thats all it was at the time, just an appointment. Yes my father, and many other people in my family were church going and were pastors and missionaries, but I personally hadn't accepted Christ in my life. I was pretty much a well behaved kid growing up, well standing in academics and other activities thanks to my grandmother haha, she was all about discipline. When Middle school (6th, 7th, and 8th grade) came up, I started to change a little. In 6th grade my mother got sick, and for my family it was a real struggle. During her treatments I guess I didn't know how to handle things very well and became very rebelllious, along with this rage for what was happening to my mother. Worst of all I took my pain out on her. It had to have been one of the worst times of my life. I just started doing really punk things, like vandalism, and just rebellious things..... I ran into this group of kids that were all about rebellion, and it lead to stealing from stores in our local mall. Yeah I know, what a punk huh? Well for me it wasn't about stealing things for my benefit, but more for that adrenaline rush you get, and I got it by getting away with things without being caught. But nothing bad goes unpunished, and I got busted, the best thing about it was, that out of that bunch of rotten kids, I was the only one they caught! How ironic huh? For that I got shamefullly arrested, and had to go to teen court where I had to face a judge, and was sentenced to doing a whole lot of community service. Through out the process I came in contact with other teens, either younger or older than me, who were also there for various bad acts of judgment. This was when I really opened my eyes to life, my life, and where I was heading. Getting arrested was one of the greatest dissapointments to my family, and let me tell you that wasn't a great feeling. Thankfully my crime wasn't considered as extreme, mainly because I was a minor, so I got off with community service and a warning that if I got busted again I would go straight to family court which could mean serious time. But it was enough to change me. From that point on I started to change who I was, to that by the book person I wanted to be. And it was hard, I became lost and unsure of what I really wanted, and unsure of how I was going to undo the hurt that I cause my loved ones. I started to show my face in church again, and slowly but surely the Lord was working inside me. And before long, I knew the life I wanted to live, a Life that had Christ as its foundation. From seeing the people around me in Church I knew that they believed in something powerful, something that did wonders. And thats what I needed, to know that things would be ok. At the same time I learned that the journey wasn't going to be easy, but I understood that life wasn't suppose to be easy, or else how would we get stronger. So one day at Church during Sunday school, I just fell apart and couldn't keep it all in any longer, at that moment I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. During the month of December of my 7th grade year, I was on a class trip in another city, when my teachers got the call that my mom wasn't doing so well, so they sent me and a teacher back home on a plane, and my teacher drove me home. When we got there most of my family was waiting. We all gathered in the room where my mom was and shared our last words, played and sang church music, and then suddenly she was gone just like that. I stayed home from school for 2 weeks with my sisters just trying to get settled, and returned to school after the funeral. It was hard to keep it all together, but we did it with the strength God gave us to get through it. From then on, I try to live life to the fulllest, and always kept myself busy. And everyday that went by I grew spiritually, and just kept building on that foundation. The sadness does catch up to me at times, along with things that stress me out. I am the type of person that keeps my emotional waves in check, and then lets it all out in my alone time. but you know, overall, I know that everything is in God's hands. I just want to thank you for your very encouraging advice, it really made sense. If God has a best friend in store for me then that person will come along at the right time, when God knows I will need that extra support. I found what you said about the difference between the admiration from people and people who genuinely love me. As a friend myself, I always put myself out there, I listen, I help, but it always seems to be one sided. It makes me realize that some people just want my friendship for what they can get out of me, or something that I can do. I have made this observation myself, and have been careful where as to how much I put myself out there. I think sometimes I let it get to me so bad, that I end up looking to hard, which is a result of me coming up empty. I've started this habit of analyzing people I run into, and deliberating with myself how will this person have an affect on me. But I have to remember that I can also impact them as well. Its hilarious when I think of it this way: for example, say you have to take a math test, you can't just ask God that you pass the test and thats exactly what will happen! You can pray, but if you don't work your part by studying for the test a bad grade may be inevitable. You can't let God do all the work! So thats how I feel about anything I pray about you know? Its hard to let it flow by, and just take oneday at a time, but having faith has never let me down before. Its just when I see other people with their friends, it reminds me of something I long for. But for now, I just have to let God work, and things will come together like it always does. Thanks again for your comment, it was a real blessing and eye opener. God Bless! Hear from you soon!

 

[songster]

Josh,

I don't know if you've noticed, but your experiences are producing keen senses of insight and analytical abilities. This will prove useful for you, and for your purpose in Christ, in the future. You have shown great resolve in how you've handled adversity. I encourage you to see your ability to generate a unique perspective, as a gift. In the future, others will recognize that quality in you, and you'll flow in it naturally and also with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I also want to encourage you to study the bible. Your gift, in connection with God's word, can be of immense value in God's kingdom. Not many can see through the haze of common suffering and adversity, to develop better character.

I do want to ask you about something that I'm wondering about. Your personality causes you to suffer silently, and the anger, you probably still feel from time to time, can produce a need for other outlets. Are there any at this point?

 

[Kathleen]

if i were u , i wouldnt pput a lot of value on friends - especially if they are unbelivers, they can be a v bad influence.

 

[Maddog]

if i were u , i wouldnt pput a lot of value on friends - especially if they are unbelivers, they can be a v bad influence.

I'm not sure if I'm understanding this correctly, but I disagree with this. We should value our friends, no matter what their beliefs are.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

yeah, I don't think anyone can manage without friends