In case you were wondering how I'm doing, the answer is that I'm "fine" and its a crappy word and I hate it. "Okay" is just as bad.
The truth is that I'm not "fine"
Over the last couple of years, I've lost a lot of self respect. I gained weight and tolerated all kinds of activities in my life that "The old me" wouldn't ever have.
Weight is just a symptom.
As is always being broke all the time.
As is getting "Par" grades.
Last year was full of ups and downs. Ups being when I worked two jobs and went Bike Riding for miles to stay healthy.
I could say I'm a victim of something but that would mostly be a lie. I am a victim of being a victim. So yeah I had a Rough Relationship, lost a bunch of junk and set myself back a couple of years in the savings department. Thats life. But it was an excuse for me to throw an all too long pity party.
So long story short, this last year, I lost it. Every job I looked at, I believed that anyone else was more qualified. Every woman that I thought was Amazing probably had a least 5 other guys, more amazing than me pursuing her. I wouldn't wish me into anyone else's life. Cause if they pick me when I'm down, I'm going to dump them when I wake up to being myself again.
Even if all my dreams came true, I would want someone else to star in them. Someone more worthy than me....
Then it hits me. Someone else, to fall in love with my girl? Someone else to live out my life but, only I know my life. So...
Who else is going to have my small business? But even if they get everything I want, what do I do? Work at Home Depot or something weird?
My only redeeming qualities are that I'm smart, resourceful and I like doing the right thing. Used to be Ambitious, Prideful, Fearless, Strong, Athletic, Great Looking, Confident. blah blah blah etc.
No more being able to say that. Old men who once played Football say that. "I used to be fast."
I used to be nothing, because I have nothing to show for it. Yeah, I have awards, plaques, trophies and trinkets but, the stuff that really matters. The health of my relationships with my friends and family, its all on life support. If I had a relationship, it would also go on life support. Who deserves that? No one, not even me.
So, this is my owning my crap in broad daylight. I don't want to be the fat kid I see in the mirror anymore. I don't want to be too broke to buy a motorcycle, because I'm too depressed and lazy to get a good job. The once Zealous kitchen Nazi of cleanliness has a mountain of dishes in the sink. Who is this jerk running around in my body screwing up my life?!?
I need to wake up and look the world in the eye again.
The truth is that I'm not "fine"
Over the last couple of years, I've lost a lot of self respect. I gained weight and tolerated all kinds of activities in my life that "The old me" wouldn't ever have.
Weight is just a symptom.
As is always being broke all the time.
As is getting "Par" grades.
Last year was full of ups and downs. Ups being when I worked two jobs and went Bike Riding for miles to stay healthy.
I could say I'm a victim of something but that would mostly be a lie. I am a victim of being a victim. So yeah I had a Rough Relationship, lost a bunch of junk and set myself back a couple of years in the savings department. Thats life. But it was an excuse for me to throw an all too long pity party.
So long story short, this last year, I lost it. Every job I looked at, I believed that anyone else was more qualified. Every woman that I thought was Amazing probably had a least 5 other guys, more amazing than me pursuing her. I wouldn't wish me into anyone else's life. Cause if they pick me when I'm down, I'm going to dump them when I wake up to being myself again.
Even if all my dreams came true, I would want someone else to star in them. Someone more worthy than me....
Then it hits me. Someone else, to fall in love with my girl? Someone else to live out my life but, only I know my life. So...
Who else is going to have my small business? But even if they get everything I want, what do I do? Work at Home Depot or something weird?
My only redeeming qualities are that I'm smart, resourceful and I like doing the right thing. Used to be Ambitious, Prideful, Fearless, Strong, Athletic, Great Looking, Confident. blah blah blah etc.
No more being able to say that. Old men who once played Football say that. "I used to be fast."
I used to be nothing, because I have nothing to show for it. Yeah, I have awards, plaques, trophies and trinkets but, the stuff that really matters. The health of my relationships with my friends and family, its all on life support. If I had a relationship, it would also go on life support. Who deserves that? No one, not even me.
So, this is my owning my crap in broad daylight. I don't want to be the fat kid I see in the mirror anymore. I don't want to be too broke to buy a motorcycle, because I'm too depressed and lazy to get a good job. The once Zealous kitchen Nazi of cleanliness has a mountain of dishes in the sink. Who is this jerk running around in my body screwing up my life?!?
I need to wake up and look the world in the eye again.