It's still not very easy for me to talk about this. But I write this in hopes that it might help someone else in some way.
When I was 13, I was in a very dark place in my life. It's a long story but to sum it up, I resented God and wanted to die. It was then that I stumbled upon odd things around the house. The first was a box of condoms, and I had no idea what they were. I looked it up. Then I found a videotape stashed in my dad's desk. I watched it. It was porn. I was so disgusted and scared, so I put it back and tried to forget it was ever there.
Fast forward 3 years or so.
I was nearing the end of my high school years, and I was just so desperately lonely. I made some unwise decisions. I started chatting with random strangers online. Thankfully I never met any of them in person. But it still had an effect on me. And thankfully, I stopped shortly.
I re-dedicated my life to God in the summer of '07. I was determined to leave all this behind me. I told myself and God that I wouldn't live the way I'd been living.
Well that was definitely true. But as for this aspect of my life- it honestly got worse.
That videotape... those online conversations... it seemed like all of a sudden, I couldn't get them out of my head. And I started looking up obscene pictures. Everytime I was lonely, every time I wanted some sort of comfort, I went and looked at those pictures. It was like watching a movie to me. And almost immediately afterwards, I always had a crushing guilt. I hated myself for it. I felt like such a fraud and hypocrite.
After about a year and a half, I finally told a close friend. She was such a godsend and helped me stay accountable. That didn't make the addiction go away, but it definitely helped.
And then our family moved. To a different state.
Then I kicked it up a notch, and it went from pictures to videos.
I just always felt so much at war with myself. I asked God not to love me. I asked Him to kill me. I was just so ashamed of myself, and my self-worth just came crashing down. It was in that broken state that I made the foolish decision to get into my first relationship. It didn't help that my now ex also struggled with the same thing. And... I also let him do things to me that I should not have allowed. Which only kept feeding my addiction.
I finally got out of that relationship, but it took its toll on me. And this addiction... it kept switching on and off. I would be okay for weeks. Then I would slip. I would be okay for a month. Then I would slip.
This kind of addiction... it's not the kind that goes away in a day. Not at all. It takes a tremendous amount of effort and self- control.
I started taking internet breaks. I found that if I made sure to have uplifting music on whenever I was alone, it also stopped me. I put a filter on my computer and my fiance made a password.
No, I'm not fully delivered from this. Not yet. The thoughts are still in my head, the images are still there. But I'm a work in progress. I've come a long way. I haven't given in, in a long time. I never would have been able to write all this out for anyone to see. I was the most defeated mess, one you can't even imagine.
But I can say that I've been forgiven. I've been made new. I'm not perfect but I've been washed clean. And I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be. My emotions have been all over the place while I've been typing this. And now I just hope and pray that it brings some sort of comfort & encouragement to someone.
Because no one's alone in this. Especially something like this. Most people tend to think this is a man's problem, but actually, there are many Christian women struggling with this, and they think something's wrong with them. But I tell you, it's the devil trying to take us down with it.
When I was 13, I was in a very dark place in my life. It's a long story but to sum it up, I resented God and wanted to die. It was then that I stumbled upon odd things around the house. The first was a box of condoms, and I had no idea what they were. I looked it up. Then I found a videotape stashed in my dad's desk. I watched it. It was porn. I was so disgusted and scared, so I put it back and tried to forget it was ever there.
Fast forward 3 years or so.
I was nearing the end of my high school years, and I was just so desperately lonely. I made some unwise decisions. I started chatting with random strangers online. Thankfully I never met any of them in person. But it still had an effect on me. And thankfully, I stopped shortly.
I re-dedicated my life to God in the summer of '07. I was determined to leave all this behind me. I told myself and God that I wouldn't live the way I'd been living.
Well that was definitely true. But as for this aspect of my life- it honestly got worse.
That videotape... those online conversations... it seemed like all of a sudden, I couldn't get them out of my head. And I started looking up obscene pictures. Everytime I was lonely, every time I wanted some sort of comfort, I went and looked at those pictures. It was like watching a movie to me. And almost immediately afterwards, I always had a crushing guilt. I hated myself for it. I felt like such a fraud and hypocrite.
After about a year and a half, I finally told a close friend. She was such a godsend and helped me stay accountable. That didn't make the addiction go away, but it definitely helped.
And then our family moved. To a different state.
Then I kicked it up a notch, and it went from pictures to videos.
I just always felt so much at war with myself. I asked God not to love me. I asked Him to kill me. I was just so ashamed of myself, and my self-worth just came crashing down. It was in that broken state that I made the foolish decision to get into my first relationship. It didn't help that my now ex also struggled with the same thing. And... I also let him do things to me that I should not have allowed. Which only kept feeding my addiction.
I finally got out of that relationship, but it took its toll on me. And this addiction... it kept switching on and off. I would be okay for weeks. Then I would slip. I would be okay for a month. Then I would slip.
This kind of addiction... it's not the kind that goes away in a day. Not at all. It takes a tremendous amount of effort and self- control.
I started taking internet breaks. I found that if I made sure to have uplifting music on whenever I was alone, it also stopped me. I put a filter on my computer and my fiance made a password.
No, I'm not fully delivered from this. Not yet. The thoughts are still in my head, the images are still there. But I'm a work in progress. I've come a long way. I haven't given in, in a long time. I never would have been able to write all this out for anyone to see. I was the most defeated mess, one you can't even imagine.
But I can say that I've been forgiven. I've been made new. I'm not perfect but I've been washed clean. And I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be. My emotions have been all over the place while I've been typing this. And now I just hope and pray that it brings some sort of comfort & encouragement to someone.
Because no one's alone in this. Especially something like this. Most people tend to think this is a man's problem, but actually, there are many Christian women struggling with this, and they think something's wrong with them. But I tell you, it's the devil trying to take us down with it.