Would you date someone who’s kid does drugs and alcohol?

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I agree that her not being more honest about the situation was a definite red flag but she obviously knows this and knew it would be a deterrent to you. Nevertheless she should have been upfront about it. None of us come without "issues," we are all working through things whatever they may be. She sounds like she has set her hopes on you so I hope that you will still be of support to her as a friend. Someone she can talk to and meet up for coffee. Maybe this is all it was meant to be.
 
Ruby123 said:
I agree that her not being more honest about the situation was a definite red flag but she obviously knows this and knew it would be a deterrent to you. Nevertheless she should have been upfront about it. None of us come without "issues," we are all working through things whatever they may be. She sounds like she has set her hopes on you so I hope that you will still be of support to her as a friend. Someone she can talk to and meet up for coffee. Maybe this is all it was meant to be.
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For sure... all of us come with "issues" some are easier to handle than others. The one thing I'm mulling over, if we do stay friends and I know she has her hopes on me, is this a good thing? I know I will break her heart (which I hate doing) as she thinks I'm the one for her and she has done most of the pursuing. She says I'm the one she has waited for her whole life. As a brother in Christ, I definitely need to pray for her.
 
BrotherMike said:
For sure... all of us come with "issues" some are easier to handle than others. The one thing I'm mulling over, if we do stay friends and I know she has her hopes on me, is this a good thing? I know I will break her heart (which I hate doing) as she thinks I'm the one for her and she has done most of the pursuing. She says I'm the one she has waited for her whole life. As a brother in Christ, I definitely need to pray for her.
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To me it seems a little over the top for her to be thinking that way after only eight dates but maybe I am weird, I don't know :rolleyes:
Sounds like she is being driven by her emotions which is always dangerous. Do you think she may be manipulative??
I guess you need to pull back, pray for her and talk to her as she needs but don't lead her to believe that there could be any more otherwise that will break her heart.
 
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Personally, I think you already have your answer. Your hesitation, questioning and lack of peace is a pretty big indicator. However, anything we say is simply advice looking in. You’re the one in person he situation and know more than we do.

Dealing with drug addiction of a family member is/can be all consuming and life altering. The only way to truly get through it is with the Lord by your side and that still doesn’t make it easy.

Even after dealing with that battle, I see her leaving her kids as the bigger issue. Working with kids and seeing many different home scenarios, mothers always have the upper hand in getting their kids, that she didn’t have them would be a huge concern.

Praying for peace and guidance for the both of you. I also pray for healing in her life and her relationship with her kids. I pray for strength.
 
If it were me I wouldn't do it. The chances of the addiction negatively affecting your relationship = 99.9% imho.

Addicts lie to, steal from and manipulate everyone around them... this will affect your marriage and with no experience in dealing with such people and her having a non-confrontational personality you'll be the one dealing with whatever comes to your doorstep because she doesn't have the ability to - and it will come to the doorstep.

She will accept her sons behavior over you every time it becomes him or you, and if he's stealing from you and manipulating her you've no chance to win any position you take. You'll end up being miserable and unable to leave after marriage, so it's best to steer clear.

Certainly it could all work out beautifully - but the chances are slim enough I think it's better to bow out gracefully, let her find someone better equipped to deal with her son.
 
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This scenario reminds me a little of the Amy Winehouse story it could get that bad.
her parents split up when she was at a vulnerable age and when she left home and got into the music industry drugs were readily available. It was her grandmother that gave her the tough love but when her grandmother died none of her parents could do anything about her drug problem (as they were split up) but also their subsequent partners or her step parents couldnt do anything either. remember she was sent to rehab for a bit but it was too little too late.

it was mostly alchohol for her but combined with cocaine etc makes a bad combination.

I recall a minister who actually knew her or her family was called over to pray for her or talk some sense into her but he ignored the call or was busy or something came up and we dont know if she ever had salvation.
 
After she died her parents, even though they were split up, got together and created a charity from her legacy, so something good did come out of it. its to help other young musicians and to raise awarenss about the dangers of drugs and alcohol.
 
Ruby123 said:
To me it seems a little over the top for her to be thinking that way after only eight dates but maybe I am weird, I don't know :rolleyes:
Sounds like she is being driven by her emotions which is always dangerous. Do you think she may be manipulative??
I guess you need to pull back, pray for her and talk to her as she needs but don't lead her to believe that there could be any more otherwise that will break her heart.
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No definitely not manipulative, very passive actually. I found out recently she had 4 relationships after her divorce. Granted that is not unusual to find, just a red flag. She is very nice, just needs a lot of emotional support and has baggage with her kids. She is a peaceful person which is what attracted me. I feel bad but yet I know what I can and can't handle and I think she needs a stronger person who can handle her situation. I'm more of a peaceful laid back person myself as well, and she kicked them out, so I can imagine there will be tough situations down the road if I choose to stay with her.
 
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love_comes_softly said:
Personally, I think you already have your answer. Your hesitation, questioning and lack of peace is a pretty big indicator. However, anything we say is simply advice looking in. You’re the one in person he situation and know more than we do.

Dealing with drug addiction of a family member is/can be all consuming and life altering. The only way to truly get through it is with the Lord by your side and that still doesn’t make it easy.

Even after dealing with that battle, I see her leaving her kids as the bigger issue. Working with kids and seeing many different home scenarios, mothers always have the upper hand in getting their kids, that she didn’t have them would be a huge concern.

Praying for peace and guidance for the both of you. I also pray for healing in her life and her relationship with her kids. I pray for strength.
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I totally agree leaving her kids is the bigger issue. Where was the mama bear she needed to be for them? She recently told me they all dropped out of high school. My jaw nearly dropped to the floor. All 3? How can this be? One followed after another...

Thank you for your prayers! I can't imagine dealing with what she has to deal with... so I do have some compassion. I know God has a great plan for her life as well.
 
Hazelelponi said:
If it were me I wouldn't do it. The chances of the addiction negatively affecting your relationship = 99.9% imho.

Addicts lie to, steal from and manipulate everyone around them... this will affect your marriage and with no experience in dealing with such people and her having a non-confrontational personality you'll be the one dealing with whatever comes to your doorstep because she doesn't have the ability to - and it will come to the doorstep.

She will accept her sons behavior over you every time it becomes him or you, and if he's stealing from you and manipulating her you've no chance to win any position you take. You'll end up being miserable and unable to leave after marriage, so it's best to steer clear.

Certainly it could all work out beautifully - but the chances are slim enough I think it's better to bow out gracefully, let her find someone better equipped to deal with her son.
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Yup, all of these things I have pondered and I agree with you. She has told me she doesn't enable them which is good, but I look into the future and just don't want to deal with what could be in store. Thank you for chiming in! Good advice.
 
Lanolin said:
This scenario reminds me a little of the Amy Winehouse story it could get that bad.
her parents split up when she was at a vulnerable age and when she left home and got into the music industry drugs were readily available. It was her grandmother that gave her the tough love but when her grandmother died none of her parents could do anything about her drug problem (as they were split up) but also their subsequent partners or her step parents couldnt do anything either. remember she was sent to rehab for a bit but it was too little too late.

it was mostly alchohol for her but combined with cocaine etc makes a bad combination.

I recall a minister who actually knew her or her family was called over to pray for her or talk some sense into her but he ignored the call or was busy or something came up and we dont know if she ever had salvation.
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This actually sounds very similar to what he is going through and he is combining alcohol and cocaine. I told her they need to go to counseling together and she agreed... the sooner the better.

Only God knows and I hope she did accept Jesus before passing...
 
Hey Mike

I was glad to read that you are doing the most important thing in this situation- praying.....
As you probably know; I have had a lot of problems with my kids over the years; they range from 12 to 24 years old, and 4 of them are boys... at present, the 14 year old has decided to go and live at his friend's house where the boundaries are slacker; there have been and probably still are issues with drug, alcohol and promiscuity and when I was young I too had a lot of issues. God has been gracious, loving and faithful; and I live in hope that if He can make me His child then He is able to bring them through and deliver them also.
I got the impression that your kids are younger than teens...
No one can judge this lady, her life sounds like it has been and still is very difficult; and it is through much suffering that we enter in to Heaven. Having an abusive ex has a huge, negative impact on the relationship with her and the kids and also on her mental health, very likely.
If you feel like this situation is too much for you personally to bear then just be really honest with her... it will hurt, yes, but you can pray for them, and as you rightly said, the longer you leavebit the harder it is going to be to end it... allow the spirit to lead you of course, but women like us needguyswho are 100% committed through thick and thin, no matter what... the way I see it is that if you had remained married and one of your kids or all of them had issues such as drugs etc. what would you do? You wouldget through the storms together with Jesus, and there may be many storms til He returns but His grace is enough. I realise that you are walking into a situation that is not your doing but then many folks are in situations that cause them suffering because of others- Corrie Ten Boom comes to mind. Our lives here are never going to be easy, and we must arm ourselves with this mind.
You have to be realistic with God and yourself and also her... if you are not able to deal with this then that is where you are at, and you do of course have your own responsibilities with your kids as I think I understand it... I'm sure the Lord will lead you; but yes it is extremely difficult dealing with these things... I often wonder whether things have to settle down with my kids before I can be in a relationship but it is taking years and I have been on my own well over 9 now; and I am torn between that mind-set and then thinking that I really need a strong, loving, wise and gracious Christian role-model in my family... but the Lord knows what's best.
I pray he leads you according to His will dear brother.
Remember... love is the greatest.... and love looks like the blameless Son of God, hanging on a cross, bleeding to death...it ain't pretty....
I can't stress enough though that you need to know His will of course; and you are wise to count the cost before you start building...

God bless you and your family... and this poor lady too...

Lots of love in Christ🦋X
 
Butterflyyy said:
Hey Mike

I was glad to read that you are doing the most important thing in this situation- praying.....
As you probably know; I have had a lot of problems with my kids over the years; they range from 12 to 24 years old, and 4 of them are boys... at present, the 14 year old has decided to go and live at his friend's house where the boundaries are slacker; there have been and probably still are issues with drug, alcohol and promiscuity and when I was young I too had a lot of issues. God has been gracious, loving and faithful; and I live in hope that if He can make me His child then He is able to bring them through and deliver them also.
I got the impression that your kids are younger than teens...
No one can judge this lady, her life sounds like it has been and still is very difficult; and it is through much suffering that we enter in to Heaven. Having an abusive ex has a huge, negative impact on the relationship with her and the kids and also on her mental health, very likely.
If you feel like this situation is too much for you personally to bear then just be really honest with her... it will hurt, yes, but you can pray for them, and as you rightly said, the longer you leavebit the harder it is going to be to end it... allow the spirit to lead you of course, but women like us needguyswho are 100% committed through thick and thin, no matter what... the way I see it is that if you had remained married and one of your kids or all of them had issues such as drugs etc. what would you do? You wouldget through the storms together with Jesus, and there may be many storms til He returns but His grace is enough. I realise that you are walking into a situation that is not your doing but then many folks are in situations that cause them suffering because of others- Corrie Ten Boom comes to mind. Our lives here are never going to be easy, and we must arm ourselves with this mind.
You have to be realistic with God and yourself and also her... if you are not able to deal with this then that is where you are at, and you do of course have your own responsibilities with your kids as I think I understand it... I'm sure the Lord will lead you; but yes it is extremely difficult dealing with these things... I often wonder whether things have to settle down with my kids before I can be in a relationship but it is taking years and I have been on my own well over 9 now; and I am torn between that mind-set and then thinking that I really need a strong, loving, wise and gracious Christian role-model in my family... but the Lord knows what's best.
I pray he leads you according to His will dear brother.
Remember... love is the greatest.... and love looks like the blameless Son of God, hanging on a cross, bleeding to death...it ain't pretty....
I can't stress enough though that you need to know His will of course; and you are wise to count the cost before you start building...

God bless you and your family... and this poor lady too...

Lots of love in Christ🦋X
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Thank you for your sweet thoughtful reply! Praying is what gives us clarity and the Bible says to cast our cares on Him. God knows what's best for us. I did not know about your kids, and I totally agree with you that God is able to deliver anyone. Everyone has issues good and bad and we all fall down, we just have to work through them with God's help to get back up.

I have two boys ages 17 and 16. They are both great kids, very obedient, kind, and very sweet. I get lots of compliments about them. I am lucky, especially with some of the things they had to go through in their life. Another thing I have mulled over is the influence these kids could have on my kids. I love them too much and want to protect them.

I do have compassion, however we also have choices. If my kids were the ones who have a drug and alcohol addiction, I'd do whatever I can to reverse that. Love, attention, hugs, counseling, scripture... it's my responsibility to make sure they live up to be Godly Christian men who treat others with kindness. Ive always told them I'll be there for them every step of the way. I want to see them succeed and do well in life.

I totally get how an abusive controlling ex impacts the relationship with her and her kids. One time she told me that whenever the kids needed nurturing he would pull them away from her and say he's the one to go to for comfort. He also has laughed at the kids who called her names. Both of these were jaw dropping and wrong in all levels. I do have compassion for her, I also know what I will be getting into if I do decide to continue on. She needs a lot of emotional support dealing with her kids and ex. I also know the things that could happen with drug and alcohol addiction.

Sometimes I wonder God's plans in this... does He want me to help her? What lesson does God want me to learn through this encounter? This is why I'm praying... I can and have lead, however my personality is not the greatest to be a strong leader. I'm very gentle, easy going, laid back type B personality. No experience with drug or alcohol addiction. I've lived a sheltered life living in a Christian home (which I'm so thankful and blessed for) and was very protected from my parents.

I agree honesty is the best solution even though it does hurt. She told me she had a dream where we were both talking and crying together as we discuss our situation. She knows how I feel, I have told her in the past. I agree, 100 percent committed is what you and all of us should be looking for. Marriage is meant to be a covenant with God for life and not quit when we don't want to deal with it. I am in the beginning dating phase, so I have a choice if I am a right man for her.

Love is the greatest, God is love. That's all I want... His will. More of Him, less of me.

God bless you too sister as you wait. Praying and seeking Him is the best advice. I'm right there with you, about 9 years as well. All I want to do is worship Him while I wait, and Lord willing someday my desires of my heart be fulfilled.
 
Maybe the lesson is you cant handle it but God is able.

I dont have this experience but in the past I had actually dated some men and they were actually ON drugs and alcohol, of course they never told me this from the beginning they and a problem and being sheltered I didnt immediately pick up things were wrong cos when you date people are on best behaviour, just cos they arent smoking or drinking when around you doesnt mean they dont do it when you not around!

anyway, after a couple of dates where one guy confessed his undying love for me one of his ex girlfirends contacted me and said he was actually sleeping with her boy what a drama! . He couldnt continue this deception and after he stole money from me I went to the police. He was doing that so he could continue his drug habit...but the good thing about it was he confessed he had one and that got him into rehab. He wanted me to visit but I decided it was best not to. I broke it off. But the upshot of it was he got closer to the Lord through this. he joined the salvation army.

I have no idea where he is now just that God is now handling it. anybody reading this well this is what happens when you go on christian dating sites lol. In my experience many people turn to drugs and alchohol to deal with family breakdown, in this case this guys parents had split up, then his dad died, and aparently one of his ex girlfiriends died.

when people arent comforted they will just turn to Southern comfort or some other spirit not the Holy Spirit. I think the intial thing what attracts people to drugs is the high they get from it, and that seems ok when you are stable but then you start using it more and more and as an escape and when things in life dont go according to plan thats when the stuff hits the fan.

Anyway, what I want to say is, even though her children are not your own, those boys are actually the ones that need prayer the most. yes your dating relationship with this lady needs assessing (how or when did she become a christian? ) but right now its the life or death situation is more these boys on drugs.

I just know way too many people devasteated by drugs and alcohol to count but I also know our God can do miracles and set people free.
 
Definitely not unless you are looking for martial and family disaster.

Move on brother unless God explicitly tells you to stay!
 
BrotherMike said:
Been on 8 dates with this lady and things are going well chemistry wise. I found out this morning her oldest had a relapse in cocaine. Everything was fine as far as peace with that person goes until now. This could potentially be a tough issue to deal with? I know it’s not her choice for her 23 yr old son to do this. How would you handle a situation like this?
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Well, using the parable of the prodigal as a template, is she handling a wayward child in an appropriate way...or is she attempting to step in as a surrogate messiah in Jesus’ stead? If the former, it’s more likely to go well. If the latter, you should probably hit the pause button until things clarify themselves. Waiting for a perfect person is going to have you waiting a long time.
 
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