You Aren't Going to Change Them

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DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
Apr 27, 2011
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This is a soap box moment...


It's a relatively common occurrence that we think we can change people. We think we can change them with conversation, debate, demonstration, love, manipulation, etc. This is especially true with women. We tend to think that we can mold people into an image of our choosing.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about her manipulative and pressuring habits towards her boyfriend. She brought up a series of issues she has with him, none of which were valid points on her part. Now, she and I have had this conversation at least 3 times. He doesn't treat her badly, he goes to church with her, supports her, loves her. However, she wants him to change parts of his personality. She wants him to propose. She wants to be married and have his children yesterday. I've told her time and again that she needs to knock it off. And if his faults are so great, she should break up with him.

People, you aren't going to change them. You can't make someone like or love you the way you want them to. You can't manipulate, exaggerate, or change your personality so they'll accept you. And honestly, if you CAN manipulate them into whatever image you're seeking 1) you've got some SERIOUS problems and 2) you are damaging that person. Eventually it will all fall apart. It may look like it's going well, but it will boil over.

God is the only one who can change anything in anyone. Please save yourself and the other person the pain and disappointment of never quite measuring up.
 
Thing that I can't grasp with men or women..is WHY....? Why oh why would you want to waste all that energy trying to change someone????? Ugh! It tends to end up just being downright manipulation after a while,I mean let's call a spade a spade here. Yanno what's gonna happen..when he eventually leaves her,she'll realize what she's lost. Then you'd better go out & get some new shirts,cause she'll be using yer' shoulder to cry on. LOL
 
lol, I wish it was mandatory for the entire female population to read that.
 
DuchessAimee said:
This is a soap box moment...


It's a relatively common occurrence that we think we can change people. We think we can change them with conversation, debate, demonstration, love, manipulation, etc. This is especially true with women. We tend to think that we can mold people into an image of our choosing.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about her manipulative and pressuring habits towards her boyfriend. She brought up a series of issues she has with him, none of which were valid points on her part. Now, she and I have had this conversation at least 3 times. He doesn't treat her badly, he goes to church with her, supports her, loves her. However, she wants him to change parts of his personality. She wants him to propose. She wants to be married and have his children yesterday. I've told her time and again that she needs to knock it off. And if his faults are so great, she should break up with him.

People, you aren't going to change them. You can't make someone like or love you the way you want them to. You can't manipulate, exaggerate, or change your personality so they'll accept you. And honestly, if you CAN manipulate them into whatever image you're seeking 1) you've got some SERIOUS problems and 2) you are damaging that person. Eventually it will all fall apart. It may look like it's going well, but it will boil over.

God is the only one who can change anything in anyone. Please save yourself and the other person the pain and disappointment of never quite measuring up.
Click to expand...

Only the spirit of God can change a person born with free will and ability, to repent and follow Jesus on the narrow road.

We bring the message, they have a choice to yield to the convicting power of the spirit of God, or ignore it, and a truly repented soul will be a new creation, no longer under the bondages of sin and the ways of the world, but as the word says, few will choose the narrow path that leads to eternal life, as they have made a choice to follow their flesh, refuse to repent and stop sinning, and seek the mercy of God!

Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
 
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no and you should not try to change in order to be in a relationship with someone else. You should want to change because its the right thing to do, rather that person stays with you or not is irrelevant. don't try to be someone you think they want, just be yourself.
 
Honestly...if you enter into a relationship with a list of things you want to change about the other person...they probably aren't the right person for you.

Or you're not the right person for them (of course nobody likes to think they aren't the 'right one', because let's face it, you're fabulous, yeah? I know, me too...).

I watched my mom and step-dad try to change each other for years, it was totally miserable sometimes, listening to them. They're still married, 20 years later...but I think they just got tired of fighting in their old age...


 
I want to change people, but I've learned the hard way that it's pointless. My heart breaks for women in particular who decide to pair with any male that they 1) seem to get along with and 2) will pay attention to them. Instead of parting ways, she tries to change him. I think women don't break up with the man because they don't want to be alone and have some self esteem issues. Now, men do it too! But I've seen it far more in women.
 
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I think this is something I recently went through.

I was engaged and things seemed to be going well. But then the things that she had claimed to have wanted began to change. She became very demanding of certain things that she wanted after having agreed on others beforehand. I was confused and perplexed. She even admitted that she only claimed she wanted certain things because they were things that she thought that I wanted. This was never true however. I was simply working towards making decisions for our future together.

She was continuously agitated as I strived to find out what it was that she truly wanted. She continued to be dishonest with me about things and then frustrated when I didn't know what she truly wanted. She finally ended up saying that she didn't feel like she could be herself and that things were not working out. She claimed she was not ready for a relationship and just simply did not know what it was that she wanted.

I was left hurt and very confused. I couldn't understand how someone could seem to be so sure of things to arrive at a place like this. I now think that she may have been just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear and trying to mold me into who it was that she wanted me to be. All I ever wanted was for us to work together to sort out the details of our future together. The lack of honesty and unwillingness to communicate on this eventually just led to her deciding she should stay single.

I have never been someone who hides who I truly am so it has always been a mystery to me as to why people put on a show in the development stage of a relationship. Do people not understand that this only leaves you in a position that results in disappointment? I am convinced that it is not other people that disallow someone to be who they truly are. It is them doing it to them self out of fear of being rejected. It is very sad.
 
Markum1972 said:
I have never been someone who hides who I truly am so it has always been a mystery to me as to why people put on a show in the development stage of a relationship. Do people not understand that this only leaves you in a position that results in disappointment? I am convinced that it is not other people that disallow someone to be who they truly are. It is them doing it to them self out of fear of being rejected. It is very sad.
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I agree with you there. It seems like your just meeting a representative in the early stages. I've had that happen over and over...meet a nice woman, things go great, get past the initial "get to know you phase"......THEN she tries to start changing things. I used to do a lot of open relationships and I would very bluntly let everybody I was seeing know that I was not interested in commitment and that it was never going to develop into anything of that nature (Very UN-christian of me I know, but I don't do those anymore). Then just about every single time anything was going great, X girl would try to change the rules and would be shocked when I wouldn't budge on it. It's like either people don't listen when you tell them something, they think that they can change things regardless of what you say, or they just want to be accepted so bad that they will pretend to be anything you might be interested in.

The weird part is that I never had anybody say "Sorry, I'm not into that kind of thing".....when it became obvious later on that some of them didn't want that kind of relationship in the first place. I'd love to know what goes through the minds of people like that
 
Donkeyfish07 said:
The weird part is that I never had anybody say "Sorry, I'm not into that kind of thing".....when it became obvious later on that some of them didn't want that kind of relationship in the first place. I'd love to know what goes through the minds of people like that.
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It's because they either weren't paying attention, or their pride told them they would be the exception to your rule. I can't tell you how many women I've talked to that have said, "oh, but I'm different!"

We all have god complexes. We think we have the power to change things and therefore people at will. When you try to change someone, you're treating them like an object. Think about it.
 
This is exactly why I've been single this long. I have ZERO intention of changing anybody. They either meet my list of qualities/traits no matter how rare and unrealistic they are or I stay single. Simple as that ;)
 
DuchessAimee said:
It's because they either weren't paying attention, or their pride told them they would be the exception to your rule. I can't tell you how many women I've talked to that have said, "oh, but I'm different!"

We all have god complexes. We think we have the power to change things and therefore people at will. When you try to change someone, you're treating them like an object. Think about it.
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That makes a lot of sense.

After having already agreed on things, it became "you would do this if I meant enough to you" or "you would change this if you loved me". I was always willing to compromise and work through details together. However, when it was presented like this I wondered if it was in my best interest to bend to much. It seemed to be turning very selfish and manipulative at this point. It didn't seem like we were at all meeting somewhere in the middle. Instead it seemed to have become a test of how much I was willing to change to prove my love or interest.
 
Markum1972 said:
That makes a lot of sense.

After having already agreed on things, it became "you would do this if I meant enough to you" or "you would change this if you loved me". I was always willing to compromise and work through details together. However, when it was presented like this I wondered if it was in my best interest to bend to much. It seemed to be turning very selfish and manipulative at this point. It didn't seem like we were at all meeting somewhere in the middle. Instead it seemed to have become a test of how much I was willing to change to prove my love or interest.
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It really bothers me when someone says, "if you loved me you would..." ugh! I hate martyrs! They are selfish, egotistical, prideful, and highly manipulative. I'm not the type of female that would flirt, bat my eyelashes, or use my "charms" to get my way. It's VERY disrespectful to the man and to myself.
 
When my husband and I were newlyweds, I got really upset with him one night because he was GLUED to the TV. And I threw a pouty little fit, and picked a big ugly fight, and told him "If you really loved me, you'd want to spend time with ME instead of that stupid box!"

And...he LAUGHED at me.

Because really, anyone acting like that is not particularly appealing.


 
lol....I've had that said to me so many times......"What's more important? Me or the (Insert whatever it is)". I was playin cards at work one night in the break room and this girl wanted me to go outside with her to smoke. I told her sure, I'll go after I'm finished with this game. She said "What's more important, me or the game?".....I said "The Game"....lol. Your setting yourself up for an epic fail if you try that one....unless the guy is a wimp.
 
Everyone wants to be worshiped. Everyone wants to be chosen supremely again and again. I struggle with it. I want attention paid to me. I want to feel liked, loved, wanted, desired, but over the past couple weeks that mentality has been challenged in me. It's as if God gave me room to come around to change on my own... and now, I've been disciplined like a child. But that's okay. I'm His child, and He has every right to call me on my bad behavior. Now that I've recognized the things I've mentioned prior, life is a little easier. I'm starting to confront the reasons as to WHY, and it's painful, but at some point I will be comfortable enough with who I am in Christ that I won't feel the need to be worshiped.
 
Personally, I think guys go along with manipulative females because they want to be flirted with, to feel desired, and to have sex.
 
DuchessAimee said:
Personally, I think guys go along with manipulative females because they want to be flirted with, to feel desired, and to have sex.
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In many cases, the person is not this way in the beginning. It seems to take quite some time before this trait begins to come to light. Very agreeable in the beginning and the change is very slow and subtle. Because emotional attachment has developed, it is rather seductive. Physical intimacy can do the same thing but is not necessary. Relationships based on sex is a whole different issue. I think it is a person's desire to be loyal and enduring without crossing the line of being manipulated. It can be a hazy line to identify especially when it takes place little by little, bit by bit. This is how many people end up in abusive relationships and don't even realize it has happened.

I do agree with you about this unhealthy attraction though. It is relative to the Jezebel spirit. A good indication is if you are being drawn away from God's will into other things. This should be a person's first warning.
 
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