YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T HAVE TO EARN YOUR RESPECT

[777ShesinHisHands777]

The missing puzzle piece in my mind is why you would marry a man (or woman) you don't respect in the first place. I don't know how you could possibly love someone and not respect them, but that's just me maybe..

I did so because I was taught if you had sex... that it was as if you were married in Gods eyes. Therefore having sex was a commitment of marriage and marriage was not to be broken. therefore I was married to him before walking down the aisle. I then felt compelled or obligated to follow through with the legalities even though by the time of said ceremony I would NOT have married him if I thought I had a choice. Do I blame my parents for ingraining the concept of premarital sex being a marriage commitment into me? No ... do I tell my children the same thing... YES! I also follow through with the explanation that it is best to make sure no matter what you have done before the ceremony that this person you are marrying Is someone that you will be committed to spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH! In other words do NOT compound one bad choice with an even greater life altering choice! Know full well what you are getting into, and the small things that you see now in them will be magnified 10x at least in times of stress.

That my dear Jullianna is one way that someone finds themselves in a marriage with someone they do not love or respect. Bad choices, mistakes, and sin

 

[777ShesinHisHands777]

I don't look at the situation the same way if it's the man being abused though.

Donkeyfish07,
Maybe you should consider doing so ...at least on some levels because when reversed there are very few differences when push comes to shove. Working with abused people enlightens you some that gender really has no effect on the person being abused. When Rage (often an underlying problem for the abuser) is involved even the smallest women can pack a whallop on a good sized man. Not to mention that your size doesn't matter much when you are holding a weapon in your hand. Abuse affects the whole being. First it degrades you, to the point of thinking that you are not worthy of respect, it embarrasses you to the point of not reaching out for fear of rejection, it dis-empowers you to the point of thinking you cannot win even if you try, and it embeds fear inside of you to the point of thinking that you cannot survive on your own if you do leave. Not to mention the many fears of what He/she will do when they find out that you have left/are trying to leave.

Not that I ever would have done so (unless he started it) but I could have beat my husband to a bloody mess if it were just a matter of sheer strength... I was twice his size and at least 2-3x his strength. So for him to be abused and fearful would not have been out of the question. Just sayin' It shouldn't be a matter of gender when determining your blame.

Your Sister,
Kimmie

 

[just_monicat]

I really don't feel sorry for these men who are taking the abuses. These red flags didn't happen overnight and these women should have been investigated and then dumped ... instead of pursuing marriage. I had a woman who treated me like garbage and believe it or not, she was very eager to marry me. What did I do? I told her I would give her three chances to get it right before marrying her. She accumulated her three strikes(chances) rather quickly and I left quickly. I really don't know what these men were thinking when they take incredible abuses and then marry these women.

i can't even conceive of a relationship where i was giving someone (or being given) 3 strikes to fly straight.

once you're keeping score, then it's O-V-E-R.

no man or woman should "take incredible abuses".

p.s. and to the other point, insecurity always wants to get married. fast.

 

[MidniteWelder]

i can't even conceive of a relationship where i was giving someone (or being given) 3 strikes to fly straight.

once you're keeping score, then it's O-V-E-R.

no man or woman should "take incredible abuses".

I like the way you think Monica
That whole keeping score thing is reminiscent of keeping track of so called "red flags"
and if once the red flags outweigh the green flags then it's over.
But as you keenly point out, keeping a checklist of redflags, means it was over before it ever started.

It seems you're suggesting that sort of mentality is unhealthy and unstable in that it's not the sort of mentality to
pick and stick and see things through.
If so I think you're on to something many would be enlightened to in that one shouldn't go into a relationship looking for red flags...because if that's what a person is looking for, they're always gonna find them.

Then there are those who are color blind and see red as green and say "Go Go Go"

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Donkeyfish07,
Maybe you should consider doing so ...at least on some levels because when reversed there are very few differences when push comes to shove. Working with abused people enlightens you some that gender really has no effect on the person being abused. When Rage (often an underlying problem for the abuser) is involved even the smallest women can pack a whallop on a good sized man. Not to mention that your size doesn't matter much when you are holding a weapon in your hand. Abuse affects the whole being. First it degrades you, to the point of thinking that you are not worthy of respect, it embarrasses you to the point of not reaching out for fear of rejection, it dis-empowers you to the point of thinking you cannot win even if you try, and it embeds fear inside of you to the point of thinking that you cannot survive on your own if you do leave. Not to mention the many fears of what He/she will do when they find out that you have left/are trying to leave.

Not that I ever would have done so (unless he started it) but I could have beat my husband to a bloody mess if it were just a matter of sheer strength... I was twice his size and at least 2-3x his strength. So for him to be abused and fearful would not have been out of the question. Just sayin' It shouldn't be a matter of gender when determining your blame.

Your Sister,
Kimmie

Gender differences definitely matter when it comes to this, at least in my mind. The situations are not equal, if you want to do role reversal. I'm with biscuit, not a shred of pity for a man who stays with someone like that.

 

[Jullianna]

I did so because I was taught if you had sex... that it was as if you were married in Gods eyes. Therefore having sex was a commitment of marriage and marriage was not to be broken. therefore I was married to him before walking down the aisle. I then felt compelled or obligated to follow through with the legalities even though by the time of said ceremony I would NOT have married him if I thought I had a choice. Do I blame my parents for ingraining the concept of premarital sex being a marriage commitment into me? No ... do I tell my children the same thing... YES! I also follow through with the explanation that it is best to make sure no matter what you have done before the ceremony that this person you are marrying Is someone that you will be committed to spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH! In other words do NOT compound one bad choice with an even greater life altering choice! Know full well what you are getting into, and the small things that you see now in them will be magnified 10x at least in times of stress.

That my dear Jullianna is one way that someone finds themselves in a marriage with someone they do not love or respect. Bad choices, mistakes, and sin

I could not agree with the emboldened part more and am far from naïve about such things. My own biological parents married because my mom was pregnant with me. My bio-father was engaged to someone else at the time, so you can imagine how thrilled he was about the whole thing.

They tried to do the "right thing" too. They married and fought like cats and dogs apparently for two years, and my bio-father developed a serious drinking problem. My mom took off with me and divorced him when I was two. I never met him.

I will be forever grateful to a stepfather who married my mom for the right reasons and adopted me. HIM I call "Dad".

Sin and "trying to do the right thing" damaged my bio-dad's life, his fiancée's life, my mom's life and mine.

 

[Jullianna]

I will be forever grateful for the red flags that have jumped up, slapped me in the face and changed my path. Without them I would have listened to my heart rather than my brain far more often than I should have.

Viva la red flags!

 

[jeremyPJ]

One thing my church does that I like, is they uplift men and women. We have men's groups, and women's groups. I have no idea what is discussed in the women's group, but I have faith that it is good. In the men's groups we discuss how to be better men. What has been lost over time "as men", how to work it out, in the Lord. I myself have learned first hand how abusive some women can be in life, as I've been in two long term relationships, just ended my last one recently. I have found that these types of women "feed off" each other, they run in packs! Neither were Christians, I felt it but didn't always live it. My next wife will be a Godly wife, and I have learned much from my life. Most definitely learned what I don't want lol!

I do now know there are good women out there, and one day "her" and I will live together in Christ. And we will respect each other, and it will be a natural, loving respect. It's the only love I will allow now. The way my last wife treated me was not just disrespecting, but disgraceful. I am saddened to think other men have to live that way too. And I do realize that there are men who treat their women just as badly, and even worse. Very despicable...

 

[MidniteWelder]

I will be forever grateful for the red flags that have jumped up, slapped me in the face and changed my path. Without them I would have listened to my heart rather than my brain far more often than I should have.

Viva la red flags!

Your brain huh?
Your brain who just acted as both D.A. and Judge(trier of the fact and trier of the case which would be a conflict of interest constituting in a frivolous case) based upon the hearsay evidence of one witness(your mom) so you could persecute your dad whom you admit you never met without hearing both sides of a story...just so you could have someone to blame.
We're all gonna go ahead and let you keep thinking that way.
Or else you'll throw a fit if you don't hear what you like.

I'm sure you'd make a real good Deborah alright. Noble fair and just as the good Lord himself, never telling a lie to save face in the presence of onlookers.

 

[Jullianna]

My appreciation for red flags that have kept me out of horrible relationships and the information provided to me by my bio-father's own siblings and my mom have nothing to do with one another. That's why they are in separate posts.

The only feelings I have regarding my bio-father are sadness for what might have been and peace in knowing from his family that he came to know the Lord before he passed.

I'm not sure what has brought about this sudden urge to continuously attempt to bait me into an argument, but I pray you get a handle on it soon. God bless you.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Your brain huh?
Your brain who just acted as both D.A. and Judge(trier of the fact and trier of the case which would be a conflict of interest constituting in a frivolous case) based upon the hearsay evidence of one witness(your mom) so you could persecute your dad whom you admit you never met without hearing both sides of a story...just so you could have someone to blame.
We're all gonna go ahead and let you keep thinking that way.
Or else you'll throw a fit if you don't hear what you like.

I'm sure you'd make a real good Deborah alright. Noble fair and just as the good Lord himself, never telling a lie to save face in the presence of onlookers.

I haven't been following the conversation in here but this post seems a bit out of line in my opinion. Her relationship/opinion of her own dad and her mom's opinions is her own personal business and even if one strongly disagrees with it, it should at least be handled with a degree of common decency, sensitivity and respect.

 

[Gary]

MidniteWelder, that was a hurtful post you made in response to something that is none of your business. Jullianna is one of the most caring and honest people I know and doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that.

Your brain huh?
Your brain who just acted as both D.A. and Judge(trier of the fact and trier of the case which would be a conflict of interest constituting in a frivolous case) based upon the hearsay evidence of one witness(your mom) so you could persecute your dad whom you admit you never met without hearing both sides of a story...just so you could have someone to blame.
We're all gonna go ahead and let you keep thinking that way.
Or else you'll throw a fit if you don't hear what you like.

I'm sure you'd make a real good Deborah alright. Noble fair and just as the good Lord himself, never telling a lie to save face in the presence of onlookers.

 

[Liamson]

I don't think taking note of red flags is keeping score.

Love covers a multitude of sins but, who wants to be with someone who kicks the dog when they get mad?

A person can really TRY to win our attention or our affection but at the end of the day, people are not prizes. Effort is good, but only if its indicative of character, not used as a means to an end.

If something is bothersome, there is no reason why we should have to put up with it. There is a million fish in the sea, let them find someone else to fix them.


The number one red flag I run into, is women who have a compass that does not point to being happy. They want me to make them happy or fill some void or fix them. But I cannot be made responsible for maintaining someone else's mood and temperament.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

The number one red flag I run into, is women who have a compass that does not point to being happy. They want me to make them happy or fill some void or fix them. But I cannot be made responsible for maintaining someone else's mood and temperament.

+7 to that one. The idea that it's a person's job to make another person happy is a really damaging delusion. I don't know how our society got that idea in it's head.

I was talking to a lady last night at work that comes in all the time. She was telling me something about how her husband (She is separated, living on her own....not yet divorced) gets custody of their child half the week, and she gets it the other half. As it's my job to make conversation, I said something along the lines of "Well your lucky to have that, that's a lot more than some fathers do".

And she goes on to say "Oh yea, he's great. The reason we are separated is completely my fault. I'm crazy. He's such a good father, and he was an amazing husband. He has a great job, he's always took care of me and our baby's every need. He's been saved and he's never done a bad thing to me....but even though I love him, I'm not "In love with him" anymore and that's why I left."

I just wanted to face palm when I heard that.

 

[777ShesinHisHands777]

Your brain huh?
Your brain who just acted as both D.A. and Judge(trier of the fact and trier of the case which would be a conflict of interest constituting in a frivolous case) based upon the hearsay evidence of one witness(your mom) so you could persecute your dad whom you admit you never met without hearing both sides of a story...just so you could have someone to blame.
We're all gonna go ahead and let you keep thinking that way.
Or else you'll throw a fit if you don't hear what you like.

I'm sure you'd make a real good Deborah alright. Noble fair and just as the good Lord himself, never telling a lie to save face in the presence of onlookers.

Wow Midnite.... can we put the claws back for a minute or two and not be judgmental... this thread was designed to call attention to an ever increasing tolerance/occurrence of women abusing their husbands in word and action. I am hopeful that we will all wake up a little and see just how powerful our words are and how they can be used for good or bad. They can irrepairably tear someone down or they can build them up in strength, confidence, boldness, love, and the list goes on and on.

Jullianna I am sorry that you did not have a pleasant start but praise God for the Dad you have and prayers for healing to all involved in those first two years of your life! Hugs Sister.

Donkeyfish07 I guess we will agree to disagree? I have first hand experience though that an abused man is virtually no different than an abused woman in the after affects and the battered spouse syndrome.

Blessings All,
Kimmie

 

[777ShesinHisHands777]

And she goes on to say "Oh yea, he's great. The reason we are separated is completely my fault. I'm crazy. He's such a good father, and he was an amazing husband. He has a great job, he's always took care of me and our baby's every need. He's been saved and he's never done a bad thing to me....but even though I love him, I'm not "In love with him" anymore and that's why I left."

I just wanted to face palm when I heard that.

I have nothing to say except... OH MY!!!!

 

[MrsRoseTreasure]

I think abuse is abuse, mental, physical, it's wrong. We can't say that the woman was like that when they got married, maybe. Sometimes people can be charming and something changes.

After leaving my own abusive marriage, I spent a lot of time looking into this matter, trying to make some sense of it. Abusive personalities do not manifest themselves early in the relationship in obvious ways. In fact, they abuser is interested in controlling the other subject first, and most people miss these signs since they are presented as "concern." For instance, expressing jealousy toward family relationships in the idea of "protecting" them from that person. The abuser is usually in a hurry to gain a commitment, and tries to leverage themselves into moving into together or commitment as soon as possible to avoid this person finding out about the abusiveness.

My ex-husband is a classic example. He showed up on my doorstep two weeks before we married, declaring he was being kicked out of where he was living that night and had no where to go. If I had the knowledge now that I did then, I would have slammed the door in his face. Two weeks later, he was in a hurry to "make it legal." So we did. From that point forward, my life became a series of lunatic events that had me asking my god to just kill me and be done with it because I didn't want to live like this anymore. Instead, he opened the door no one could shut.

I take full responsibility for what happened. I allowed myself to be bullied into a marriage that was not of Yahweh's will, and ultimately had to violate that commitment for the safety of myself and my children. All of it was my fault, and only my fault, because I am responsible for my choices. That doesn't make his controlling, crazy, abusiveness justified. It just means I need to be smarter, take time to listen to the still small voice,and be willing to change course if I find I am wrong. Unless I can own what I did to myself, I can never correct the thinking that lead me there.

 

[eugenius]

The husband of the controlling and bullying wife you described did not have to take that sort of treatment. There are of course men who let their wives bully them. We all know one. I have an uncle like that.

I totally agree with your description of the way men are seen in society today. In some ways men have become weak and emasculated. I grew up without a father, and my mom is kind of controlling and bossy. Let me put it this way, I will NEVER marry a controlling and bossy woman. The only men who end up bullied are the ones that accept it, let it happen, and are okay with it.

Both men and women should be treated with respect and treated equally. Any time there is a bias one way or the other, something is wrong.

 

[MrsRoseTreasure]

I think men are between the proverbial rock and the hard place. If a man lets his wife walk on him, he's "whipped" and weak. If he stands up for himself and tries to be the leader in a home, he's a misogynist.

I just love my husband so much, I'm so very grateful for him in my life. He is part of me, according to the Word. Disrespecting his authority disrespects my own body. It doesn't happen on many issues, but occasionally, he puts his foot down. When that happens the arguments stop. Does that make him sexist? Not if it's done in the spirit of love and the priority of US above all things.

The bible says in this time they will call good evil and evil good. This is one of the many, many reasons that's true.

The husband of the controlling and bullying wife you described did not have to take that sort of treatment. There are of course men who let their wives bully them. We all know one. I have an uncle like that.

I totally agree with your description of the way men are seen in society today. In some ways men have become weak and emasculated. I grew up without a father, and my mom is kind of controlling and bossy. Let me put it this way, I will NEVER marry a controlling and bossy woman. The only men who end up bullied are the ones that accept it, let it happen, and are okay with it.

Both men and women should be treated with respect and treated equally. Any time there is a bias one way or the other, something is wrong.

 

[Hoffco]

This is an awesome thread. very good .I read the first 12 post ??? and did not read it all, But , this man in the first post is a very wise person and the woman,777, is a very wise person. Please read my testimony of my life problems and please advise me on more things I need to be a better pastor, care giver for the "Sheep" of Jesus. thanks Pastor Doug Hoffco