Introverts

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I have always considered myself to be an extrovert because I'm great with people, outgoing and friendly, and am completely comfortable making conversation with just about anyone. I recently came to understand that introverts can be great with people... it's just that being with people USES their energy, leaving them feeling tired, while extroverts FEED off of other peoples' energy.

I admit that I covet my "alone" time, and while I LOVE being around people, I do usually end a long visit feeling exhausted. I can't concentrate on anything when someone else is around. (Like in my office, trying to talk to me while I'm working.) Having company over is not a casual "come on over" sort of thing. I have to "prepare" for it, and then I focus on them the entire time, and don't relax until they are gone again. I've always felt very guilty about my need (selfishness) for quiet time to rest, but I'm slowly realizing that it's part of my personality. I tend to have bursts of social interaction and energy, followed by stretches of down-time.

Knowing that I'm introverted is actually my number one concern when thinking about getting remarried one day. Fear that I'll marry someone and then spend a lot of time feeling drained, wishing I had more time alone. I'm convinced I'll need to find another introvert, so we can both have our time alone as needed. LOL.

Are you an introvert, and how does that effect your view of marrying one day?

 

[KJV15John11]

I always considered myself an introvert but your explanation has got me rethinking that. If I had to choose between staying in or going out, most of the time I prefer home base. I'm quite content with my own company and don't mind being alone. Now, it's possible that I have come to this point due to remaining in a marriage with someone who choose to live a life away from God. I stayed for the benefit of my daughter and not believing in divorce, thinking that God could soften her heart. Over the years, her heart just grew harder, and once my daughter had grown, I agreed to a divorce, mainly so that I could follow God's will for my life. Now that I am free to respond, it is hard for me to think of returning to a potential spiritual drain again.

Sorry, your thread had a different theme. Back to it.

I've never had a problem with fitting into any group. Back in high school, I remember having friends in almost every clique. Ever since being single again, I have easily gotten along with my girlfriends' friends. I can start a conversation with about anyone on any subject. I do find that I prefer conversations with women because they are usually more introspective and much more open about feelings. I can talk sports with guys but usually I only care about a few teams. I guess I never saw it as draining though, maybe because it is so natural. I never make a fuss for company. This is my life and my home, and they can accept it as is or not.

So considering everything, I'm really not sure. I really hate labels! I know it makes it easier for others to characterize based on easily recognizable categories, but most labels are defined by how individuals see them, not an internationally accepted definition. For that, I usually define my own stance, rather than give a quick label.

Looking back, most of my girlfriends have been outgoing, choosing activity over relaxation. I have enjoyed exploring new things, but over time, they have become exhausting. They never seem to know when to stop and smell the roses. I guess I'm looking for someone who has a nice balance between the two. Nature has four seasons, I would like my life to reflect all four at varying times: spring - new life and hope, summer - full on activity, fall - time to reflect and enjoy the results, and winter - rest and peace.

Oops, sorry, went off your thread again.

 

[MissCris]

I'm an introvert, married to...an extrovert? I'm actually not sure about that. Well, no, I'm entirely sure that I'm entirely married, I just have yet to determine if my husband is introverted or extroverted. Because, when we go out, he is the one doing all the socializing. I called him a social butterfly once, and aside from taking slight offense to the butterfly reference, he couldn't argue.

It can be totally exhausting. Even just sharing time with my husband, for the simple fact that he is another human being, can take its toll on me. I require time to myself- REALLY to myself, BY myself- to actually fully recharge. That kind of time is hard to come by, being married and having two little ones. Oh, plus my mother-in-law is staying with us for the time being, too.

I take any opportunity to be alone. I don't create them, but if the chance is there, I take it. Like today, my mom-in-law offered to watch the kiddos for me so I could haul a load of trash to the dump. And I was thrilled. An entire twenty minutes, all for me! Yay!

And it was really, really refreshing. Driving slow in my beat up car, no music, no sound but the tires crunching over gravel down a lonely dirt road. Not paying attention to the road because the clouds were so pretty, and the air so nice and cool and cleansing to breathe in.

I think it's important for introverted people to take moments like that and make the most of them. Truly appreciate them, and then when life gets busy and people are stealing your energy, look forward to the next time you can go and just be. It might be doubly important within a marriage for an introvert to make the most of alone time; you can't give your all to God and your spouse if you are mentally and emotionally drained.

 

[Shouryu]

Many people here identify as INFx based off of the Briggs-Meyer tests, although there are definitely a few Es amongst us (the Duchess and Doug are two that immediately come to mind). Most of the online Briggs-Meyer tests peg me as an ISTP (one or two peg me as an ISTJ), and the more ISTx's I read about, the more it makes sense. (Of course, the Duchess was the first to say that I couldn't possibly be an I and had to be an E, and I don't blame her. Online, I definitely don't come across like an introvert, but the same could be said of many of the INFxs that are on CC.)

I certainly feel it plays a role in my general approach to people; depending on how I read the social situation, I am often inclined to sit back and watch the action unfold, as it were, until I have a good bead on most people. I prefer to observe and learn. However, from time to time, if I feel I identify with many of the new people I've met, I may dive right in and come across as an extrovert as a result.

As far as marriage goes, I don't see it being an issue. The Ex, by my account, was very much an E, and I had planned to marry her. She didn't drain me, not in that fashion, anyhow. Since I see myself as an I with a bit of E sprinkled about, I think it would balance me nicely to have an E with some I sprinkled about, so that I can be extroverted with her every now and then, and likewise she can be introverted with me every now and then. (Obviously, I have no probably with the idea of dating an introvert, either.) Where it definitely DOES effect me is in reaching out to women I'm interested in, as most women respond to an alpha-male personality...which is definitely more E than I. I am not inclined to go 'on the hunt,' as it were, to actually chase down a woman, and so I am actually out of my comfort zone a little bit in my current situation. However, as I've explained to Rach in PM, I'm not really chasing after this woman, per se, but rather, just trying to get to know her and spend time with her, and if we start to feel chemistry, then we would pursue it (God willing). I'm not the type to try and make something happen, but rather, I'd prefer to spend time with someone and just be myself, and see if we feel a connection. If that leads to marriage, praise Him! If it doesn't...praise Him! ^_^

I know plenty of introverts in loving, happy marriages. I don't think it really has to hold you back.

 

[DuchessAimee]

Yep, I'm an extrovert. But not by much. I'm probably 65/35 on the side of extroversion. I figured out about 6 months ago that I had made myself into an introvert to appease people while I was growing up. I had a very introverted mother, and she had a very extroverted child. It didn't work out well, so I changed. Now, I'm not worried about being an extrovert.


No one is completely an I or an E. We are blends of both. We are blends of all personality types. Think of it like a Venn diagram.


In regards to marriage, I wouldn't worry about it. As long as you and your partner know what each other needs, you'll be fine. If I married an introverted man, he could tell me that he needed time alone. That would be fine because 1) self care is important and 2) he gets to be himself. As I said before, self care is very important, and we shouldn't be ashamed of the need to have "me time".

 

[NukePooch]

Extreme introvert here. I much prefer to keep myself occupied, by myself. I have found that I don't get 'lonely' as others seem to do. I don't invite people into my home...until I'm really, really comfortable with them (and them with my peculiarities). You'll never be invited to a 'Tupperware by NukePooch' party...

I can function in social situations, but I would just rather not. It is, as you said, Miss Rain, rather draining.
I've found that I can get around this by working behind the scenes at an event...if I'm running my sound board, for instance, I don't have to make small talk with people, shake hands, get random hugs, etc. If I don't have anything to 'do' at an event, I'd just rather not go.

Labor day weekend, my church put on a festival for the community, and I was there, doing tech/sound/video/etc. Tough work (I probably had 30 hours in over the weekend), but I had a good time. I was tired, but not spent...if that makes sense.
On Sunday, Sept 8, my church had a big dinner/party/cookout at the local park. I didn't go. It would have been a few short hours of meet-n-greet and polite conversation...and I would have returned home absolutely exhausted.

I probably won't ever get married, but if I do...my friends always told me that they thought my 'ideal wife' would have her own job, church, life, and live in the next county in her own house.

 

[Ugly]

I have always considered myself to be an extrovert because I'm great with people, outgoing and friendly, and am completely comfortable making conversation with just about anyone. I recently came to understand that introverts can be great with people... it's just that being with people USES their energy, leaving them feeling tired, while extroverts FEED off of other peoples' energy.

I admit that I covet my "alone" time, and while I LOVE being around people, I do usually end a long visit feeling exhausted. I can't concentrate on anything when someone else is around. (Like in my office, trying to talk to me while I'm working.) Having company over is not a casual "come on over" sort of thing. I have to "prepare" for it, and then I focus on them the entire time, and don't relax until they are gone again. I've always felt very guilty about my need (selfishness) for quiet time to rest, but I'm slowly realizing that it's part of my personality. I tend to have bursts of social interaction and energy, followed by stretches of down-time.

Knowing that I'm introverted is actually my number one concern when thinking about getting remarried one day. Fear that I'll marry someone and then spend a lot of time feeling drained, wishing I had more time alone. I'm convinced I'll need to find another introvert, so we can both have our time alone as needed. LOL.

Are you an introvert, and how does that effect your view of marrying one day?

Actually, much of that sounds exactly like me. I love my alone time, but i get hit with this desire to interact. And i burn out during that time. Though i'm not as outgoing and good socially as you seem to be.
The key is.. find someone similar to you. Someone who can enjoy private time, or just silence. Sometimes its nice to be in a room with someone, but not have to interact.
I've dated someone who was a talker. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Now i can ramble pretty good, but man, i couldn't keep up with her. I could sit there 20 mins and not say a word. She'd talk the whole time and not even realize it. -.- Avoid that, haha.

 

[rachelsedge]

I think this comic summarizes it pretty nicely.

I'm definitely an introvert. An INFJ, to be specific. I recharge by being by myself. I have a very VERY extroverted friend, and when I first met her, I thought we'd never get along because we're so different. But she has become one of my very best friends. At first, she thought that when I didn't want to hang out (she loves to constantly be around people, and around me) she took it personally. She's doing much better now, though, to realize that it's not her, it's just I need time to myself.

I like people, I love my friends and family and one of the best things for me to do is hang out with them. I don't like the idea that many extroverts have that introverts don't like people, or don't like being social, because it's simply not true with all introverts. Being introverted also doesn't always have to mean "shy", though often times the two are connected. There can be outgoing introverts and shy extroverts. The term refers more to how people gain their energy. I definitely gain some energy being around people but to recharge my energy, I have to be by myself to process.

In marriage, I think I could marry an extrovert as long as he understood my introvertedness. And on the flip side, I would need to understand his extrovertedness. I think I'd do better with an introvert, but who knows. I tend to do introverted activities (art, journaling, playing guitar, watching nature), and despite the fact that I wouldn't be alone, it'd be nice to have someone there with me and them doing those things too, together.

 

[Ugly]

Rachel! I was thinking of posting that. But didn't have a way how. I would call you a thief for stealing my idea, but... umm... well, you got it up still. So i'll just say =P as a nice in between.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Rachel, that comic is what got me thinking about myself as an introvert, though not all of those symptoms are true for me.

I thought this was a good summary of how I feel:
**Edited per request**

Didn't originally post it because there are some bad words in a couple of places - darn people for ruining good stuff with bad words!

Number 7 is SO me! Also numbers 15, 20, and 26.

I'm not really into labels, but this sort of thing helps me to understand myself so much better. I never even thought about the fact that while I love people, they exhaust me. I just always thought I was selfish with my time. LOTS of guilt over that my whole life. I feel like I can give myself a break now.

 

[arb71]

Hello Grace...I am definitely an introvert, but for me being with others doesn't use up my energy and leave me feeling tired, as you mentioned. It's just that I'm not very good at being sociable with others, because I've been a loner most of life. I have thought about how I will be effected by marriage (should it happen), but not so much because I'm an introvert, but because I'm so use to having everything my way all the time having lived alone for several years... So, the idea of compromising and being open to that, is what concerns me more. And it's okay for you to have your quiet time. That is normal. If you recall in the Four Gospels, Jesus often left his disciples to go to the mountains to have his quiet time. It is needful. How else can you truly focus on what you need to without quiet time? What is not quite normal is when you said "I focus on them the entire time, and don't relax until they are gone again." That is the habit you could work on changing.

 

[arwen83]

Anyone looking for a book on introverts, I'm currently reading 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' so far it's pretty good! I don't know about other introverts, but it's kinda hard for me to find a guy when my introverted 'sweet spot' is sitting at home reading and drinking a tea. I can handle going to Starbucks and reading, be a 'pretend extrovert' for a bit. But I gain my energy by being at home. I dread large parties and small talk.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

This is why i likes the internets, i can talk to people whilst laying on my couch and being alone.

Weird......... a little.

 

[Propensity]

I'm a introvert, but mostly in person. When it comes to chartrooms and such I can chat for a long while. If I ever get married, I will probably marry an extrovert. I'm not much of a talker, I rather just listen.

 

[AsifinPassing]

I have always considered myself to be an extrovert because I'm great with people, outgoing and friendly, and am completely comfortable making conversation with just about anyone. I recently came to understand that introverts can be great with people... it's just that being with people USES their energy, leaving them feeling tired, while extroverts FEED off of other peoples' energy.

I admit that I covet my "alone" time, and while I LOVE being around people, I do usually end a long visit feeling exhausted. I can't concentrate on anything when someone else is around. (Like in my office, trying to talk to me while I'm working.) Having company over is not a casual "come on over" sort of thing. I have to "prepare" for it, and then I focus on them the entire time, and don't relax until they are gone again. I've always felt very guilty about my need (selfishness) for quiet time to rest, but I'm slowly realizing that it's part of my personality. I tend to have bursts of social interaction and energy, followed by stretches of down-time.

Knowing that I'm introverted is actually my number one concern when thinking about getting remarried one day. Fear that I'll marry someone and then spend a lot of time feeling drained, wishing I had more time alone. I'm convinced I'll need to find another introvert, so we can both have our time alone as needed. LOL.

Are you an introvert, and how does that effect your view of marrying one day?

Yes, and I'm really not sure. I also have both sufficient people skills and need of down time. I suppose it depends on my spouse, but I figure there are times we'll be together and times we'll be alone each day. Now, if she didn't want to be around me at all (for a day or more), nor I her...well, I feel like something might be wrong then.

Being introverted (and a variety of other things), I reserve the majority of my physical, emotional, and otherwise-affection for the individual in my life. Being cut off from her would be something like 'starving' in a way, so while I wouldn't cling to her constantly (gluttony), I would want her to be a good part of each day (balanced diet). ^_~ (See what I did there?)

 

[secularhermit]

I think people dont need a LABEL like one nor the other. In marriage, sometimes I needed my own time, as well as sharing with my spouse, the thing became difficult when others came and lost privacy and the bond of comunicational intercourse with that one I loved...

I leave this things on GOD. I´m trying to develope and deephns my love for HIm.

 

[xAlphaOmega]

I am an introvert...for example my buddy came over to my apartment today and he knocked... I knew it was him and ignored him.... Then he knocked again and I said 'whatever he knows im home cuz he knows the car is outside' so I let him in then just kind of ignored him and kept doing what I was doing (I was reading the Bible like a good christian LOL). I felt like my action and attitude was justified because I told him to stop showing up unannounced. Well he didnt. Later I told him hes gotta go so I can get to bed to rise early in the morning. As I prayed to the Lord tonight I felt bad for treating him as I did. He is a good friend and he didnt deserve how I treated him. I dont know, I just dont like to be bothered unless I am prepared to deal with ppl ahahah. At the same time I had to get my point across.

 

[Ugly]

6 for sure, 7, 15, 17, 19, 22, 24.

 

[Shouryu]

Being introverted (and a variety of other things), I reserve the majority of my physical, emotional, and otherwise-affection for the individual in my life. Being cut off from her would be something like 'starving' in a way, so while I wouldn't cling to her constantly (gluttony), I would want her to be a good part of each day (balanced diet). ^_~ (See what I did there?)

Being an introvert??? Chicken-say-whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???

Bro, I saw/heard you in the Lounge over the summer. You're an introvert? You? YOU? ^_^

(I'm bustin' your chops, man. You know I love ya.)

 

[Shine4Jesus]

I have always been this way, not sure why. But my feelings runs deep and if I care a lot about a person I can feel their emotion so maybe that the reason I am this way. However, it difficult to block those feeling and I choose to love, so I guess I am stuck feeling too much. Just minimize the people I become close too, I can still show compassion and love others from a distance.