actually, i have changed my mind about prenups in the last few years. i used to think they were simply an expression of misplaced priorities, paranoia and even evidence of what could be seen as "self-fulfilling prophesy".
however, i no longer feel that way, because i've come to appreciate the value of what it CAN be--which is a shared contract between two that is designed to create additional motivation and prior agreement related to the subject of marriage. also, something that can remove the pressure and concern of things that potentially could weaken the support/trust of others or motivate a lot of harmful mistrust (quite possibly by others).
here are examples of when i think a prenup MIGHT be an asset:
1. if i was planning to marry someone who had what might be "unreasonable" or "irrational" fears and i felt inclined to indulge them.
because i'm not motivated by money, or seeking money through marriage--or if i was marrying someone whose family was creating pressure related to the topic. expressing my intention and good faith in that sense, might be something i'd be quite willing to indulge, and doing so in a manner that i would probably find relatively easy to do. however, i'd make sure that it was written in a manner that created a lot of strings to conduct as well.
such as, "your money can be protected to the extent that you fulfill and meet your marital obligations, such as fidelity", etc.
2. if there are kids in the equation (such as through previous marriage), i think there is real value in providing or protecting them by removing the anxiety and concern about the potential issues. remember, only those two are in love and have built enormous trust with each other, and it's naive to not acknowledge that many others can be enormously affected by the decisions made by the pair.
if i had children prior to the marriage, i could make a good case for why it's very appropriate to provide for them contractually so that if i were to die before he does, money and support designated for them doesn't become muddled by the marital contract/inheritance laws.
another example is when someone marries quite later in life, and by doing so, creates the legal opportunity to control or inherit money that has potentially been earned or earmarked for inheritance (even considered"belonging to" children that were a product of the previous marriage) that is not naturally protected or established by the inheritance laws of marriage.
by addressing that issue, i can imagine the value of "taking that issue off the table" and how it would likely endear more ease and trust with members of the family who could be worried about that issue. because at the end of the day, it's the couple who are getting married, and whose faith and trust have been established and built up--and it's quite naive for anyone to ask people (with reasonable risk and interest) to show great trust in folks they really don't know.
3. the primary circumstance in which i personally plan to utilize a "prenup" (if and when i marry) is in relation to creating contractual obligation to handling matters regarding marital discord, and if there are ever circumstances in which one or both parties might be considering or motivated to look at separation or divorce.
things i would consider of value would be establishing contractual expectations for steps to be taken in these circumstances, i.e. required counselling, boundaries and guard-rails relating to time and other potential specifics, financial penalties for not fulfilling agreed upon obligations (or, say, infidelity).
essentially, an agreed-upon road map that will create additional guidelines designed to protect and safeguard the marriage, with punitive measures for those who attack or attempt to weaken/break it.
hence, it becomes a tool of planning rather than suspicious intention.
or, as you said, leveraging the concept and value of an "insurance policy" during an era when marriages are so difficult to protect and, often, salvage. and when people can, with the best of intentions, destroy and shed what is designed to last a lifetime--like a cheap t shirt, and never look back.
however, i no longer feel that way, because i've come to appreciate the value of what it CAN be--which is a shared contract between two that is designed to create additional motivation and prior agreement related to the subject of marriage. also, something that can remove the pressure and concern of things that potentially could weaken the support/trust of others or motivate a lot of harmful mistrust (quite possibly by others).
here are examples of when i think a prenup MIGHT be an asset:
1. if i was planning to marry someone who had what might be "unreasonable" or "irrational" fears and i felt inclined to indulge them.
because i'm not motivated by money, or seeking money through marriage--or if i was marrying someone whose family was creating pressure related to the topic. expressing my intention and good faith in that sense, might be something i'd be quite willing to indulge, and doing so in a manner that i would probably find relatively easy to do. however, i'd make sure that it was written in a manner that created a lot of strings to conduct as well.
such as, "your money can be protected to the extent that you fulfill and meet your marital obligations, such as fidelity", etc.
2. if there are kids in the equation (such as through previous marriage), i think there is real value in providing or protecting them by removing the anxiety and concern about the potential issues. remember, only those two are in love and have built enormous trust with each other, and it's naive to not acknowledge that many others can be enormously affected by the decisions made by the pair.
if i had children prior to the marriage, i could make a good case for why it's very appropriate to provide for them contractually so that if i were to die before he does, money and support designated for them doesn't become muddled by the marital contract/inheritance laws.
another example is when someone marries quite later in life, and by doing so, creates the legal opportunity to control or inherit money that has potentially been earned or earmarked for inheritance (even considered"belonging to" children that were a product of the previous marriage) that is not naturally protected or established by the inheritance laws of marriage.
by addressing that issue, i can imagine the value of "taking that issue off the table" and how it would likely endear more ease and trust with members of the family who could be worried about that issue. because at the end of the day, it's the couple who are getting married, and whose faith and trust have been established and built up--and it's quite naive for anyone to ask people (with reasonable risk and interest) to show great trust in folks they really don't know.
3. the primary circumstance in which i personally plan to utilize a "prenup" (if and when i marry) is in relation to creating contractual obligation to handling matters regarding marital discord, and if there are ever circumstances in which one or both parties might be considering or motivated to look at separation or divorce.
things i would consider of value would be establishing contractual expectations for steps to be taken in these circumstances, i.e. required counselling, boundaries and guard-rails relating to time and other potential specifics, financial penalties for not fulfilling agreed upon obligations (or, say, infidelity).
essentially, an agreed-upon road map that will create additional guidelines designed to protect and safeguard the marriage, with punitive measures for those who attack or attempt to weaken/break it.
hence, it becomes a tool of planning rather than suspicious intention.
or, as you said, leveraging the concept and value of an "insurance policy" during an era when marriages are so difficult to protect and, often, salvage. and when people can, with the best of intentions, destroy and shed what is designed to last a lifetime--like a cheap t shirt, and never look back.
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