Looks don't matter, ladies? ha!

[Ugly]

I know i've made this point, probably more than once, in response to other posts. But i've decided to make a post to get answers about it, since most women seem to ignore anytime i say this.

So many women, especially Christian women, love to say 'looks don't matter'. Yet, i find this to be bull. I don't remember ever hearing a group of Christian women sitting around talking about men and going on about how attractive they are because they're such Godly men, how sexy their good character is, etc..

What i do hear on a regular basis, and have for years is 'this movie star is so hot... drool'... 'this singer is gorgeous'... 'hes hot, id marry him if he was single'. And 95% of this is usually over someone famous and rich on top of it. Women always carry on about rich, handsome men. Most of which probably have bad character, because, lets face it, we're talking rich, famous, worldly celebrities.

I'd like to know when women will stop telling us looks don't matter, yet going on about mens looks. Of all the guys you've dated vs guys you turned down, how many you good looking vs unattractive? Cause every woman i've heard say 'looks don't matter' ends up with a nice looking guy anyways. So ladies.. whats up?

 

[Hava91]

Personally on the celebrity bit, if a guy is famous its automatically a turn off for me lol. but anyway on the rest - we love to say "looks dont matter" some for the reason of looking morally correct, and some to say that character is just more important. personally, i will admit, looks do matter. but that doesnt mean i look for some drop dead gorgeous movie str look-alike... looks are important because it initially attracts u to the person. it also shows how they view themselves, which is important in character. but intelligence and heart is MOREZ important....though bc we have been taught to look on the surface it sometimes makes looks a hard thing to...well, overlook. =/

 

[eugenius]

I agree with you. This is a problem for both men and women, but probably more so for men. But women are also guilty of it.

Even though its literally impossible to force yourself to completely not care about looks, people could at least be more subtle. They openly talk about looks as if though that is the only thing that matters, and by doing so are playing along with the rest of society. Playing along with what Hollywood is feeding them. Eating Los Angeles cake. LOL. I wonder if thats a real thing.

Most of my friends talk about meeting "hot" girls, while I have made it a principle to look for an intelligent girl with good morals. It will take me a long time, but I believe in the end I will have a much stronger relationship and marriage than most people. People don't really understand my position on this. I have decided to think differently, and have thus made myself an outsider.

But Christians are supposed to be different from the rest of the world. As Jesus said, he has taken us out of the world. If we were of the world, the world would love its own, but since we are not of the world, the world hates us.

Looks should matter, but they should matter significantly less than other things. People get married based on looks, and hence the astronomical divorce rate.

 

[mystdancer50]

The only time someone marries someone they are not attracted to physically (in most cases) is if they want to 'martyr' themselves and say to everyone, "I married despite the fact that I wasn't attracted to him because this was what God willed in my life."

Truthfully, if I am not attracted to the man pursuing me, I won't encourage the pursuit. Looks matter to me. They are not the first nor most important thing, but I have to be attracted to the man I marry. God knows this, understands it. He created attraction, after all.

 

[Ugly]

Thanks Hava, good to know there's a least one honest woman out there.. Oh, and Myst too it seems.

Eug .. yes, there can be some guys that do the same, but since this is a predominately female issue, and since many of the women make a strong loud point of making sure people know 'looks don't matter' to them i'm only talking about the women. Guys are visual by nature and most admit it.

 

[Jullianna]

I can't imagine anyone saying that looks don't matter AT ALL, but I can't imagine looks being a deciding relationship factor either. That's just silly.

I suppose women enjoy looking at attractive men just as much as men enjoy looking at attractive women. One can appreciate beauty without lusting after it, at least women can. I've kidded around about celebs from time to time too, but that's all it is. Kidding around. Surely most christian women have the good sense to know that even if they had an opportunity to date one of those guys, they would probably be just another skirt to them.

To answer your last question, I've dated very attractive guys and some that a lot of women would say weren't that attractive; but to me there was something attractive about each of them.

I'm glad you created this thread because there's something I've been wanting to say for quite some time and this is the perfect opportunity to get it off my chest. It really annoys me sometimes how important looks are to a lot of people. When someone is trying to talk about a serious topic or just engage with others, especially in chat, and all people want to do is go on about how good looking you are, it's distracting and annoying and embarrassing. It can make you feel as if that's all you are to people....a prettily wrapped empty package. And it is the reason you don't want to put your pic up.

AND while I'm at it, I might as well be honest and say something else that really irks me...a lot of guys won't approach a woman they find very attractive because they automatically assume that she is a shallow, vain, high maintenance witch. There have been several guys I REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY cared for who didn't want to be in relationship with me because they felt that I was "out of their league" in the looks department. Very painful.

How's THAT for honesty?

Hugs, Ugly. Thanks for the opportunity to unload.

 

[Ritter]

AND while I'm at it, I might as well be honest and say something else that really irks me...a lot of guys won't approach a woman they find very attractive because they automatically assume that she is a shallow, vain, high maintenance witch. There have been several guys I REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY cared for who didn't want to be in relationship with me because they felt that I was "out of their league" in the looks department. Very painful.

Interesting way of looking at it. Reminds me of those idiots who are so proud of the fact they are frugal to the point of suffering end up, themselves, every bit as snooty as they crowd they so vehemently disdain (ie, the rich). In the end, they end up suffering more of course. They are every bit as prideful and rotten, the difference is they have a 2001 Hyundai Elantra and not the latest Porsche model.

 

[Ritter]

Looks are important. I think what people often miss is that our popular culture's standard definition of beauty doesn't apply to everyone. I think most people have certain eccentricities in what they find attractive that actually serve to help them find a mate later on.

It is like any other matter that comes between the metaphysical and the physical: find balance. Jesus came as flesh though he has spirit. The fact we are physical beings and have physical tendencies isn't necessarily a bad thing. If anything complete hate for physical being is more comparable to veins of stoicism, philosophical asceticism, and me if you ask my former girlfriends/dates.

 

[Ugly]

I can't imagine anyone saying that looks don't matter AT ALL, but I can't imagine looks being a deciding relationship factor either. That's just silly.

I suppose women enjoy looking at attractive men just as much as men enjoy looking at attractive women. One can appreciate beauty without lusting after it, at least women can. I've kidded around about celebs from time to time too, but that's all it is. Kidding around. Surely most christian women have the good sense to know that even if they had an opportunity to date one of those guys, they would probably be just another skirt to them.

To answer your last question, I've dated very attractive guys and some that a lot of women would say weren't that attractive; but to me there was something attractive about each of them.

I'm glad you created this thread because there's something I've been wanting to say for quite some time and this is the perfect opportunity to get it off my chest. It really annoys me sometimes how important looks are to a lot of people. When someone is trying to talk about a serious topic or just engage with others, especially in chat, and all people want to do is go on about how good looking you are, it's distracting and annoying and embarrassing. It can make you feel as if that's all you are to people....a prettily wrapped empty package. And it is the reason you don't want to put your pic up.

AND while I'm at it, I might as well be honest and say something else that really irks me...a lot of guys won't approach a woman they find very attractive because they automatically assume that she is a shallow, vain, high maintenance witch. There have been several guys I REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY cared for who didn't want to be in relationship with me because they felt that I was "out of their league" in the looks department. Very painful.

How's THAT for honesty?

Hugs, Ugly. Thanks for the opportunity to unload.

Yes, i'm fully guilty of being a 'shes out of my league' type. haha. And presumed things about prettier girls being more egotistical about their looks. I did meet one woman, shes gorgeous, model material.. and lonely. She turned out to be one of the most amazing people i've ever met. Sweet, and friendly, fun and caring. But people figured since she was pretty she was dumb, shallow and a good hop in the sack. People are missing out by not getting to know her. And i would have to if things hadn't gone the way they had and i got to know her.

Glad you got to unload, i was curious about your response to this to begin with haha.

 

[Lucy68]

Unfortunately, I think 'looks do matter' most of the time. Especially, when we're young. It's just human nature. But when we grow as Christians, we're taught to look at deeper things. When the Lord says He looks at the heart and not the outward appearance, that means we are to do the same thing.

It's very hard in a young relationship to know the difference between lust and love. But it's crucial to find a mate that you have a lot in common with and values his Christian walk above all else (even you).

 

[niceguyJ]

Good thread, Ugly. It brings up some thoughts for me. I'll try not to stray too far off the original topic but no promises.

I always question too when someone says looks don't matter at all. They do, but to what extent depends on the person. Also, we all have our different likes and dislikes. I agree with "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
For me, there's also that thing if a woman has an amazing personality it makes her look better to me and vice versa.

Personally, I find it pointless and disrespectful when a group of men or women are sitting around going through some list of ''hot'' people. I say disrespectful mostly if members of the opposite sex are present.
Lets say a group of guys is sitting around talking about movie stars, models, etc. etc. and how amazing they are. How does that make the REAL woman looking on or listening in feel? Maybe it makes her feel like she can't live up to these guys ridiculous expectations. That can be be turned around to a group of women talking too of course, which happens often enough.
For me personally, it's a huge turn off if a woman is sitting around going through some kind of list of celebs or whatever and commenting on looks. A random comment here and there might be okay, but when they go on and on...NO thanks.
I don't sit around with a group of guys doing that ever. In fact, I get weird looks or thought of as odd by most guys for not getting involved in such conversations. However, I don't really have a problem telling a girl one on one if I think she's pretty/cute/beautiful....but in a respectful way. I've come across a lot of women who have some issues with thinking they aren't all that attractive when actually that's quite untrue. Maybe they think that because of the silly comparisons to the fake women in the magazines...

 

[Hava91]

A lot of women also suffer from insecurities because they have not been told they are beautiful. Men to, I'm sure. but it is sad - my sister is a model but bc guys get the "ouut of my league" thing going on, the only ones she hears it from is the guys who want sex, or her female friends! In the end this leads her to believe she is NOT beautiful....somewhat of the same happened to me on a different scale and i have just recently learned to appreciate how I look - without being vain - but to realize that I should be more than a pair of legs to a man. I'm sure some men go through this to - what pains me is to see genuine men and women, with good hearts, and minds, and great intentions get shut down because they aren't model material, or have a few pimples etc....some of the people who are seen as "ugly" by today standards have the greatest character, the greatest minds and hearts and arent given a chance more often than not, leading them to believe they aren't worth anything ='( Those people are so precious

 

[Jullianna]

Interesting way of looking at it. Reminds me of those idiots who are so proud of the fact they are frugal to the point of suffering end up, themselves, every bit as snooty as they crowd they so vehemently disdain (ie, the rich). In the end, they end up suffering more of course. They are every bit as prideful and rotten, the difference is they have a 2001 Hyundai Elantra and not the latest Porsche model.

LOL! No Elantra or Porsche, but if you see a Mustang or windowless black van, you might want to hasten your stride a bit I may be a witch, but I am NOT high maintenance!

*insert huffy attitude, the word "FINE!", followed by an enthusiastic "HMMMPHF", an eyeroll and a hair flip here*

Seriously though, you are absolutely right. I should shut up and either shave my hair and eyebrows, draw on a black unibrow, stop shaving my legs and gain about 50 lbs or handcuff myself to the next jerk who finds smacking/pinching/commenting on my glutes entertaining so that all of the nice guys I'm so supportive of can continue to make threads asking why all of the nice girls end up with the bad boys.

 

[Jullianna]

A lot of women also suffer from insecurities because they have not been told they are beautiful. Men to, I'm sure. but it is sad - my sister is a model but bc guys get the "ouut of my league" thing going on, the only ones she hears it from is the guys who want sex, or her female friends! In the end this leads her to believe she is NOT beautiful....somewhat of the same happened to me on a different scale and i have just recently learned to appreciate how I look - without being vain - but to realize that I should be more than a pair of legs to a man. I'm sure some men go through this to - what pains me is to see genuine men and women, with good hearts, and minds, and great intentions get shut down because they aren't model material, or have a few pimples etc....some of the people who are seen as "ugly" by today standards have the greatest character, the greatest minds and hearts and arent given a chance more often than not, leading them to believe they aren't worth anything ='( Those people are so precious

Hava, I like what you said and I absolutely adore your signature

 

[rainacorn]

"Looks don't matter" = "I won't be with someone JUST because they are attractive."

Don't get confused on it. Being ugly on the outside doesn't automatically mean you're beautiful on the inside and vice versa. I don't think people are lying when they say looks don't matter, they just aren't being terribly specific or clear.

Women go for funny guys more than anything if they're looking for a long term relationship. Smart guys with good verbal communication skills will trump a hottie with abs you could grate cheese on (unless he also happens to be smart and have strong communication skills... then forget it).

 

[Jullianna]

"Looks don't matter" = "I won't be with someone JUST because they are attractive."

Don't get confused on it. Being ugly on the outside doesn't automatically mean you're beautiful on the inside and vice versa. I don't think people are lying when they say looks don't matter, they just aren't being terribly specific or clear.

Women go for funny guys more than anything if they're looking for a long term relationship. Smart guys with good verbal communication skills will trump a hottie with abs you could grate cheese on (unless he also happens to be smart and have strong communication skills... then forget it).[/quote]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN SISTER! *waving hankie*

 

[Jullianna]

Yes, i'm fully guilty of being a 'shes out of my league' type. haha. And presumed things about prettier girls being more egotistical about their looks. I did meet one woman, shes gorgeous, model material.. and lonely. She turned out to be one of the most amazing people i've ever met. Sweet, and friendly, fun and caring. But people figured since she was pretty she was dumb, shallow and a good hop in the sack. People are missing out by not getting to know her. And i would have to if things hadn't gone the way they had and i got to know her.

^I am very proud of you for this^

 

[Lucy68]

This may be a little off of the main topic but this reminds me of a conversation I had not too long ago with my daughter.

Someone asked her out on a date, but she didn't want to go...she wasn't attracted to him that way. But she was going to go anyway because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea because he would get a false impression; and he would just be hurt later.

I suggested she let him know how flattered she was and then maybe see if he wanted to go on a group date-roller skating or something. That would at least give them the chance to get to know each other without the pressure of being on a date. Or if she liked his company, but didn't want to 'date', to suggest paying her own way. I had a guy friend in my teen years who I really had a good time with. Absolutely no romance for either one of us. But our co-workers could not believe that we were just friends!

I do feel sorry for the guys! Asking someone out on a date must make them really nervous...they really put yourself out on the firing line and can be crushed with a harsh refusal. I think girls should be very careful how they react. What a compliment to be asked out!

 

[Lucy68]

Regarding 'looks': in my dating days (and also now as an observation ), I found that what really made a man attractive was his self-confidence (not arrogance...there's a big difference).

I used to work with a man who was 5'2", or around that. He was one of the most masculine men I'd ever met. He wasn't particularly good looking so I did wonder 'what made this man attractive?'.

It was his self-confidence! He was comfortable with himself and how he fit into the world. (I wasn't a Christian at the time, so I never considered that.) He definitely had something about him that was attractive. And he also was a very nice guy! I think he was a Christian, but I'm not sure.

 

[Jullianna]

I totally agree, Lucy. On both the being kind and the confidence thing