Your Personal Demons. Would You Marry Someone With The Same Struggles?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Singles,

Something I've been thinking about for a long time is whether or not I could seriously be with someone who had the same kinds of issues as I have.

For example, I dated an alcoholic for 3 years. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but he thought I was perfect for him because I rarely drink (I don't think I ever drank in that 3 years). Of course, there were other factors as well, but the relationship was a total disaster.

I can, of course, see why someone with Issue A would want to be with someone who wasn't dealing with that issue. But in all honesty, I don't think I could be with someone in that situation again.

Many of you may have read in my posts that one of my personal issues is food. I've never "officially" been diagnosed with an eating disorder because my symptoms never quite "qualified". However, if I can be completely honest, I would be scared to be with someone who had food issues as well, and as much as I'd love to meet someone who cooked, it would scare me to date a chef (it might sound strange but when food is like a drug to you and you have to face it everyday, it does become an issue.) I'd be afraid it would lead me into a downward spiral (I've read about relationships between those with eating disorders and they often fuel each other's symptoms, going on extreme diets and/or binging/purging sprees together.)

Oddly enough, I've also struggled with depression since childhood (which is something I WAS officially diagnosed with) but it doesn't phase me much if someone tells me they have problems with depression. In the past, I've dated someone with depression (and yes, it was a disaster as well), but for some reason, I'd sooner date someone with depression than someone with food issues. I have been in relationships in which the person had a history of being abused, and again, I could handle that better than situations dealing with food.

I don't know why. I pray about these things because it's not like you'll never find a person without issues. Rather, I ask God, what kinds of issues have you equipped me to deal with?

How about the rest of you? If you are a smoker/drink/struggle with pornography/whatever it is you fight with, would you date or marry someone who is struggling with the same things, or would it make you worse?

If you want to find someone who doesn't have those issues, how do you feel about, let's say, exposing a non-smoker to your own struggle with smoking?

Would you expect that person to help "keep you good"? And if you are the person who doesn't have that issue, how would you feel about that person looking to you to help keep them on the right path?

I know that for me, I could handle it up to a point, and then I just became resentful--I got to a point where I wanted to scream, "I AM NOT YOUR GOD!!" I struggle to find the balance between relying on God and relying on people--sometimes God helps us THROUGH other people, but sometimes He tells us that in order to win the fight, we have to stay away from certain situations--and relationships.

What are your thoughts?

The polls is anonymous, multiple choice, and I know it doesn't cover all the bases, but I just wanted to get an idea of what people were thinking. Please feel free to post as well!!!

 

[kenisyes]

My wife and I had some of the same problems, and God used us to help each other, because we understood each other's problems. Then, in some cases, the differences were good, because God could use us to help each other because we were not so beset by the same problem, and could give an non-involved perspective.

Then, there were times we couldn't help each other because our perspectives were too different to identity with each other's trials. And there were times we couldn't help each other, because we had the same problem at the same time.

My experience says it works either way. Rom. 8:28 pretty much makes the poll irrelevant. It's more about letting God choose your mate. After all, He is still with you with all your issues, and He is still helping you with all of them.

 

[error]

My answer---> I believe there is someone out there who can love and support me the way I am.

I'd like to be with someone who is mentally, physically and emotionally stronger thn me.

 

[seoulsearch]

I wanted to also add that there have been plenty of times when I've been standing in front of someone yelling, "why aren't you there for me? Why aren't YOU making me feel better?" In other words, I'm plenty guilty of trying to make someone else into my own personal god as well.

I think we all want to find someone stronger than we are... But I think we also have to accept that we will always be stronger in some areas and the other person will be weaker in some areas as well, and vice versa. I think it's just how God made us.

Maybe it's because of the years gone by in my own life, but I don't want to be with someone who's so far ahead of me that it makes me feel like he's dragging me along instead of leading, nor do I want to babysit anyone else. Just my own thoughts though... I realize different things work for different people.

 

[error]

I wanted to also add that there have been plenty of times when I've been standing in front of someone yelling, "why aren't you there for me? Why aren't YOU making me feel better?" In other words, I'm plenty guilty of trying to make someone else into my own personal god as well.

I think we all want to find someone stronger than we are... But I think we also have to accept that we will always be stronger in some areas and the other person will be weaker in some areas as well, and vice versa. I think it's just how God made us.

Maybe it's because of the years gone by in my own life, but I don't want to be with someone who's so far ahead of me that it makes me feel like he's dragging me along instead of leading, nor do I want to babysit anyone else. Just my own thoughts though... I realize different things work for different people.

Exactly I don't want to be a baby-sitter to someone who is old enough to take care of himself. Well, it doesn't mean that i can't help or listen. You can help someone only as long as they let you to help thm. I don't like ppl who knows what to to, but they will not do it. And they will find any excuse not to do the right thng.

I just like strong ppl. It doesn't mean - they don't have problems at all. That means that they will do somethng to solve their problems.

 

[zaoman32]

I think a lot of it is dependent on what the struggle is. Any one with an addiction to pornography has no business being in a relationship let alone getting married. But I think a lot of issues, no matter what they are, can be dealt with mutually. Each side of the couple knowing the opposites struggles, and doing what they can to help the other, of course both have to be willing to change in order for it to work too.

As long as someone can be patient and loving enough to tolerate me on a daily basis, then she can't have that many issues...other than me...

 

[seoulsearch]

As long as someone can be patient and loving enough to tolerate me on a daily basis, then she can't have that many issues...other than me...

I think I just discovered my new favorite pick-up line.

"Hi there, I'd like to be your new issue to deal with... Trust me, anything else you're dealing with would pale in comparison!"

 

[Stuey]

I think it would depend on the issues and how they handled them for me to be honest. It's such a broad question and people have so many issues....

To give one example - I have an anxiety disorder. (Under control at the moment), This means that from time to time I might just be unable to do things. Aka if I get completely exhausted from doing things non-stop for days on end I will get run down. I think I have a lower amount of work I can do than the average person before I start to burn out. Earlier in this year I had to take some time off work because of it and ended up quitting. (I was planning on quitting anyway but just sped up the purpose.

So.. if I end up with someone, they need to accept those limitations, there is nothing in the short term I can do about them, although they may change in the long term.

In regards to whether I could accept this issue in others? It would depend on how that person handles it, I am not a stressy person, if people get stressed, it stresses me. I have a friend who gets very up tight and touchy. (caused by this anxiety disorder partially) I couldn't handle this at all, it would just frustrate me too much.

Another friend, however, I know struggles with anxiety and I could totally handle the way that they deal with it. We understand what each other go through, are capable of helping each other somewhat and this person is not a stressy or touchy person in any way. We also have some of the same limitations in things like exhaustion and social capacity etc.

I think everyone has issues, I can't be certain but I think that 90% of people have major issues and if they say they don't, they are generally hiding it. This is not to say that they don't have good self esteem or have great abilities and other things, just major insecurities.

Within my old church I would estimate that over a quarter struggle with either depression or anxiety and it wouldn't surprise me if it was over half.

In regards to things that have damaged us, whether it is alcohol, sex, drugs, porn, smoking etc. I think as Christians we need to remember that without God's grace there would be nothing good in us. Nothing.

It isn't whether they have done these things, it is where they are heading and whether they are focussed towards God. - Is their life pointing away from these things, do they truly believe in God and view him as more important than the things they are struggling with. (Whether they succeed or fail)

Having said this, I think it is important to note that sin does damage us and it does cause issues. We need to consider these things, it does no good to either of you to get into a relationship with someone who has issues or a past that you can't handle. (Can't is different from a selfish kind of not wanting to, from a sense of superiority or that you deserve it) For example, if someone has slept around a lot, this will cause some major issues, if someone has a child - this is a major factor to consider - can you handle the responsibility?

I'd certainly consider someone with major issues, and I could handle a heap of them, but there are some I wouldn't be able to.

 

[Nautilus]

guess it depends on your definition of struggle.I mean i drink and smoke socially on the weekends and the occassional beer after work, but i would never say i struggle with them. i would like woman who enjoys drinking though and the cigarettes we can figure out haha

 

[arwen7]

I could be with and support a person with issues different than mine

It kind of depends, but if the guy was struggling with an issue and trying to see it through and improve his life. I would be there every step of the way to support that change. I had a friend who struggled with a porn addiction, and I was always there for him to talk or whatever when he needed someone. People can be ashamed of the problems that they are going through and as a result, struggle alone, sometimes they need the support to get them through the hard times.

If/when I marry, I will be bringing my own set of 'issues' along, cus when you think of it, marriage is two fallen people coming together; pride and personal demons will rare their ugly heads. But its about mastering the art of seeing things through, grace, supporting each other and communication

 

[Relena7]

I'd want to marry someone who's struggles were compatible with my own. They don't necessarily have to be the same ones, but like Stuey ^ I too burn out quickly, and am prone to anxiety and overstimulation faster than the "average" person. My hypothetical husband would have to be okay with that, and know how to support me in the ways I needed.

I have what the medicine world calls ADD (like ADHD without the hyperness) and I'm more sensitive than regular people, and prone to different issues that require a customized type of support that not everyone understands. I need more alone time breaks if I'm working....or worse...stuck at a party for a long time.
Something as simple as having 10 minutes of quiet time per hour can mean the difference between me staying in a good and positive mood for the entire rest of the day, or me having an emotional meltdown and feeling horrible later.

Most people without it don't get this.... most people can just harvest their brain on demand for its resources. With training, their brain conforms to society's wants in a basic enough way to function daily. They've never known anything else. I have to sit in quiet and meditate for a few minutes and let the answers come to me. I can't always make the rules. I have to treat myself with respect or NOTHING gets done.

My BF is very understanding of the way I am. He has issues different to mine, but we get each other. We don't hide things that need to be said, and we don't fight or blame or misunderstand. We say things with love. And that is the most important part in good relationships IMO.

 

[Pen014]

i think some people get way too ahead of themselves before marriage.it can scare a person off.
even if their may be some truth to their plans.

some ask for more than what is natural in a relationship...assuming it needs to be that way....they feel love...is....something pictured....

they are too hard on themselves,and their expectations which is hard on the person who is with them.....

In response
exercise is a must.jog,cycle.rollerblade,ice skate,play tennis,shoot hoops,golf,frisbee golf,walk,fish,swim,have a hobby, etc.....these things are nesc for....depression and anxieties.

what's healthier?.i take natural herbs...cognitive...st johns...5htp,omega 3s,sam-e,licorice root,passion flower,multi vitamin only when your not getting enough in your diet,also peppermint spirits are good for upset stomach.

you can also crush grip @ironmind.com.......my hand health has weakend!which reminds me.....

anxiety is a general term......not a big deal....and i'd pray that nobody allows them selves to develop an immune problem......

you have to push yourself....past a weak point...we all have that...it will feel like crap maybe?


some of these things in this thread i needed to hear.......

 

[seoulsearch]

Pen--I completely respect your stance and know that sometimes yes, we all need a little tough love and a shove in order to get past some things.

But mental illness and anxiety are very real, life-threatening disorders (think of all the soldiers committing suicide when they return home.) I do my best to live a very healthy lifestyle (people tell me I'm crazy because I try to avoid a lot of processed foods, as I find they trigger my symptoms--they're eating pizza and I'm eating a spinach salad, much as I hate it) but I have a lot of failures and some things are beyond our control.

I have a dear friend who has been through dire things in life but didn't understand my depression. He is such a good person that he actually said, "Ok, God, I want to know what she's going through so I'll know better how to pray for her." He said that a "crippling black fog" came over him for about a week... He described it as not being able to think, not being able to get up, and not knowing which direction was which--a crushing hopelessness that feels as if death is the only way out. In other words, God took the things I'd been struggling with since about age 9 and put it on my friend for a few days so that he could understand. Even ten years later, if I'm going through something, my friend automatically knows because God puts that dark fog on him to ask him to pray for me.

We never know what people are really going through until we've been there ourselves. Now, I do agree that we can't become enablers, but it's important to use wise discernment, especially when telling someone what they "need" to do.

I recently saw an interview with a pastor who said he knew a young woman who was constantly coming over to visit him and his wife, saying she was depressed. She had been spending so much time with them that he finally told her he felt that she wasn't all that bad, it's just that she was probably feeling sorry for herself and just wanted attention.

The young woman went home and (fatally) shot herself that night. The pastor hung his head and said, "I know in my heart that I killed that girl."

Offering advice might be helpful. But praying to truly share their burden will be more so.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Like what several other people have said, it depends on what the issue is.

I have an anxiety disorder that ive taken medicine on and off for since i was a kid. I have really bad ADD also that ive always taken medicine for. I couldn't be with someone who struggled with either of those things. On one hand it would be nice because the person would understand my struggle and be able to relate, but on the other im gonna need someone very calm and stable when those really anxious times happen. Just like stuey i have limitations of things that i can and cant do and i need for that person to understand those limitations and be ok with them.

With the ADD, seriously... living in my head can be a nightmare lol like i want to run away from me at times!
Im so scatterbrained, forgetful, distracted, its a must for who ever im with to be the total opposite. Im gonna need him to help me find all the things ive lost or forgotten

Ive never had an issue with pornography, drinking or drugs, but i would never date anyone with those issues. He can have aaaaany other issues just not the above mentioned.

 

[Jullianna]

I didn't see it on your list, but I'm a workaholic. It's a serious issue for me. You all have helped pull me out more than I can say over the past couple of years. It's how I hide/run from relationships. I have wondered whether this would even be an issue if the right guy came along.

 

[seoulsearch]

I didn't see it on your list, but I'm a workaholic. It's a serious issue for me. You all have helped pull me out more than I can say over the past couple of years. It's how I hide/run from relationships. I have wondered whether this would even be an issue if the right guy came along.

Thanks for pointing this out, Jules, this is absolutely an issue as well. Anything can be an addiction or problem if it's out of balance, huh...

My Dad kind of fits into this category as well, seeing as he regularly logged in a good 80-100 hours a week... Yet I still can't remember a single night when he missed dinner. (He'd come home, eat with us, then head back to work.) I joke that to my Dad, a 40-hour a week job isn't really a job... it's more of a hobby.

 

[simplyme_bekah]

To answer your question no I would not date someone with the same issues as myself. That would be like dousing yourself with gasoline and jumping in the flames. You need someone to help you overcome, not join you.

 

[seoulsearch]

To answer your question no I would not date someone with the same issues as myself. That would be like dousing yourself with gasoline and jumping in the flames. You need someone to help you overcome, not join you.

I totally understand what you're saying... I guess it's just that sometimes I feel like, "Ok, I can't look for anyone with A, B, or C... and they can't be struggling with X, Y, and Z... SO WHO ON EARTH WOULD BE LEFT?"

"Buelller.... Buelller... Bueller..." *crickets*

 

[Relena7]

anxiety is a general term......not a big deal....and i'd pray that nobody allows them selves to develop an immune problem......

you have to push yourself....past a weak point...we all have that...it will feel like crap maybe?

Numerous tests have proven that stress and anxiety are worse for your overall health than smoking cigarettes.

When I was my most depressed, I was also a total health nut too. I did everything right, and always exercised, researched health related things like crazy, and took supplements, had green tea all the time, dropped 45 lbs in 2 years, tried new foods all the time, always ate early, etc. But because I was stressed and not facing my "personal demons", things in my body began doing things they shouldn't... and to this day I'm still recovering the consequences.
My lesson learned: Avoid stressing self out to the point where I feel over the brink, or bad things will happen.

Ambition is good...but listen to your body. Don't blow off the signs and ignore them out of pride.

 

[simplyme_bekah]

I totally understand what you're saying... I guess it's just that sometimes I feel like, "Ok, I can't look for anyone with A, B, or C... and they can't be struggling with X, Y, and Z... SO WHO ON EARTH WOULD BE LEFT?"

"Buelller.... Buelller... Bueller..." *crickets*

hahaha. well I suppose you could just pray on it and ask God to send you the perfect mate if it be his will and then lean back in complete trust and wait on his timing because as his children we have come to learn that it is always perfect.