(((((continued from previous post)))))
I carefully selected the title, "Why The Arranged Marriage System is Better" because I know full well that arranged marriages THEMSELVES need not be any better than marriages that have come about any other way. It is true that arranged marriage societies have much, much lower divorce rates, and that most people from such societies today are simply shocked at the frequency of divorce in the West. However, the much lower divorce rate does NOT mean that does not mean that arranged marriages are "good" or "successful" by any suitable Biblical measure. Husbands in arranged marriages are not necessarily loving their wives sacrificially, as Christ loved the church, any more or any less than husbands in marriage that came about through dating. As I've noted before, the Bible has much more explicit teaching in guiding our marriages than in guiding how those marriages will come about.
So I don't want to paint a picture of beautiful marriages in arranged marriage socities. By no means. There is deep sin and ugliness in both arranged marriage societies and in dating societies. Most importantly, when it comes to matters of marriage for us as Christians, is to think Jesus. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. Our first and foremost thought about marriage should be, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." As we meditate on Jesus, especially for us men, I cannot imagine how we would justify "testing a girl out" and then dumping her when we get tired of her or decide that we're "just not a good match." I personally am not capable of "thinking Jesus" and picturing the dating system at the same time. On the other hand, I CAN "think Jesus" and at the same time picture taking a wife, and loving her wholeheartedly and sacrificially, and leading and guiding her as we follow God, and taking us through whatever struggles of "incompatibility" might come up, without wavering or even considering letting her go.
If one of you can explain to me how you are able to "think Jesus" and at the same time follow a dating or courtship system that says, "I'm going to test and see how easy it is for me to love you, and see how quickly I get tired of you, if it gets too difficult I'm going to let you go." If you are able to think Jesus and think dating system at the same time, please explain to me how. I can't do it.
So again, even if, for the sake of argument, we agree that dating and courtship are "OK", I ask what benefit do they have to offer? And whatever potential "benefits" they may have to offer, are these "benefits" truly Biblical values? And if the "benefits" that dating and courtship have to offer are truly Biblical values, why is there no hint of suggestion in the Bible that the arranged marriage system we read in the narratives is flawed and should preferably be replaced by something better?
The Practical Reality
Many Christian women will have fathers who are not believers. These fathers may be more interested in their daughters marrying a "worldy successful" man than a godly man. Or she may have a father who absolutely refuses to "get involved". I realize that the ideal picture of a god-fearing father who finds a god-fearing young man to whom to give his daughter in marriage will in many cases not be possible. But my attempt in this article is simply to make the case for the ideal picture.(* See below) Dealing with the sub-ideal reality we live in is one thing, not even having the ideal picture in mind is another.
What do you do if you are a young woman with no god-fearing man who is taking responsibility to look out for you in these matters? What to do if you are a young man, and the girl's father refuses to get involved - how then do you approach her? As with all of life, there are difficult issues to struggle with. I won't attempt to answer all possible scenarios here. (If anyone wants to discuss, write me an email.) But here I have simply suggested a new perspective and new direction in which we can head, and some principles we can consider along the way.
Let me reemphasize my main point in summary, for I know how easily my statements could be misrepresented. I do not think that proper Biblical interpretation would lead us to conclude that Christians must use the arranged marriage system. If anyone's response to this essay is to say, "Oh but just because arranged marriage is in the Bible doesn't mean we must do the same today," then clearly they haven't read what I have written. And yet, although the Bible does not command it for us, I certainly don't see that anything in Scripture would turn us away from the arranged marriage model. But on the contrary, the arranged marriage model is in fact very much in line with Biblical principles about how godly families operate. And indeed, I have a hard time to see what advantages other models (such as dating and courtship) have to offer.
The Bible does not mandate the arranged marriage model. But what if we approached the Scripture without our heavy cultural bias against arranged marriage. Would we find reason to reject arranged marriage? Would we find convincing evidence to persuade us towards the benefits of courtship or dating?
* For Christians living for Christ, singleness is, in the absolute sense, the greater "ideal", for those who are "able" (1 Cor 7). When I speak of a godly arranged marriage system as being the "ideal picture" I am speaking in contrast to dating and courtship systems. I do believe that the arranged marriage system is a preferable ideal over the dating system, but for those who are "able" to remain single, that is the most ideal of all.