Your understanding and belief do not line up with the word of God.
It is never too late with GOD. I have met many people just like you who have, in some strange way, enjoy the false humility and condemnation and the attention that comes with the idea of being eternally damned or having done the unpardonable sin. To some, it is a kind of feeling you get playing with fire and not getting burnt.
it is always the something:
- I asked God to forgive me, but he did not.
- God did forgive me but I did it again
- I blasphemed the Holy Spirit because of a bad thought I had
- I have tried but God won't forgive me and I don't know what to do.
This mindset happens for only a few reasons :
- the person has a mental illness or substance abuse
- they lack attention from friends or any kind of social life and this provides the kind of attention they want in a social media setting
- They are trolling
- they were abused in a denomination that told them is they left them had blasphemed the Holy Spirit and could never be forgiven.
There are other reasons but this is the main one.
it comes down to whether are you going to believe the word of God or what you think you have done. There is no time for kid gloves.
You need to grow up and fly right. Get over it and live for the lord and put down the sin you know you have not because you have an addiction. You avoid answering the questions asked of you.
you were asked :
did you speak to your pastor? no answer.
did you seek elders and others to pray with you? No answer.
you were given the word of God that clearly says God forgives you, but you do not accept it.
The problem is not that you have blasphemed the Holy Spirit that Gd has not forgiven you, the problem
is YOU.
Lack of faith
not agreeing with the word of god
needing attention
I tell you this because you are playing with fire and you need to stop. Get help. Get it now.