Just lookin for some feedback. Some references would be appreciated, but please post even without them.
One early morning... nearing 3:15 A.M. the family dog woke everyone up with the spookiest howl ever heard of. I had never heard "Mandy" ( half collie/ half german shepherd dog that looks like a collie) how like that. It made me scared to get out of bed, but my mother was up, and so... I gathered courage for I did not want anything bad to happen to my mother, no matter what. So I got up, made my way passed her to the gate penning our family dog in the kitchen. The female dog had her tail between her legs as she stood in the far corner by the closed door leading to the basement opposite from the sliding glass door on the other side of the kitchen table. My brother, Matt, was already in the litchen before I got there as his bedroom was next to the kitchen, and he ventured twoards the sliding glass door and looked out, seeing nothing. I looked at Mandy on several occasions as she banged fangs and whimpered when my mother scolded her into being quiet. I crossed over the gate to look out the sliding glass door as well. One thing I noticed as I approached the slidng part of the closed door was a film of dew was over it on the other side of that glass door. It was the area of the absence of dew that caught my attention as it was human shape and as if someone had walked through the glass door, leaving that impression. I chalked it up to my imaginations as I looked out and saw nothing. Things quieted down but Mandy was still slightly baring fangs, but calming down enough for us to go back to bed.
The next morning, we got the call that a cousin of mine had killed himself. He took his military pistol, stuck it in his mouth, and etc. Why? His wife was going to a co-ed bowling league while he stayed at home. Then she wanted a divorce because she was in another relationship... with a guy on the league.
The time of death was 3:15 A.M. but... there is an hour difference between where he was and where we were. I had heard of tales of a banshee foretelling the death in a family, but I heard of that afterwards.. not before the incident. I am not sure what the significance here is, but the supernatural occurreed that early morning hours when my cousin committed suicide.
The tragedy of it was that his brother had committed suicide when he was younger. His grandfather had died and there was a gathering at his Aunt's house after the funeral where his brother could not fathom why everyone was laughing, telling jokes at the gathering. He was obviously hurting and no one caught it in tme when he went down to his aunt's basement, got his uncle's hunting shotgun and blew his head off.
My uncle and aunt lost their only two boys to suicide. I cannot convey the emptiness nor the loss of such a wound to a mother and father.
Sometime later in years, I had moved into the bedroom next to the kitchen where my brother, Matt, had slept in. One night, I heard church bells playing at 3:15 A.M. ( and.. yeah.. I was a duh.. not connecting the time of my cousin's suicide to this event). I was thinking how odd it was and surreal. I knew there was a church in the neighborhood but it was kinda like a couple miles away. For me to hear that, I figured the neighbors will be calling the police right about then. As I layed there listening, I could make out the pattern. It was playing a theme. I recognized it as the theme from M.A.S.H., the television show. I thought... "how cool..." but as I layed there listening, I felt led to plug my ear into my only good ear ( I am deaf in my left ear and have tinnitus, a constant ringing sound, in my right ear) . Yep. The sound was outside. I got up to wake my folks but they didn't hear anything. It was not as loud as it was in my room, but they having better hearing than mine, they should have heard it. Disappointed and mystified that they did not, I went back to bed. After several times testing this sound... confirming it was audible and not in my head until... one time I was hearing it in my head after plugging my only good ear, I began praying to Jesus for help. I prayed for some time before falling asleep.
The next morning, there was a spot on the morning news about the original title to the theme from M.A.S.H. and it was "Suicide Is Painless". All I need more to raise the hair on the back of my neck is to hear the theme from the Twilight Zone or something, but of course, that did not happen.
What am I sharing? I do not know to give a definite answer to what happens to suicides, but if dark forces are at work to make one consider it, seems reasonable enough to go to Jesus for help.
I had thoughts of suicide... even way before those incidents when my mother had told me that she had wished I was never born, and I was about ten years old or there about when she had said that. ( She had said it at an earlier time as well when I was younger, but it was this sepcific time that I had considered suicide) I loved my Mom enough that I had considered hanging myself to relieve myself of being a burden. The Holy Spirit in me was convicting me not to do it and the Lord led my mother into the room to stop my "nonsense".
I have read about a prophet that wanted to die by starvation, but God sent some ravens or crows to feed him. I cannot recall that scriptural passage, but I have been led by the Lord to consider this about my life with the Lord......to cast all our anxieties onto the Lord for He cares for us.
Right now, I am jobless due to persecution and defamation of character. My enemies are so powerful that they have gone to the last two new jobs to incite others to wrath against me and some to even mock me. I cannot have realtionships as even my kins are estranged from me as if I am some worm to tolerate with the facade of politeness. As I find comforts in the Psalms, the Lord provided the answer as to why this was happening: that like Baruch, God told him that he was not to seek a life for himself for his life shall be a prey. This was the confrmation of a coming judgment that evil shall fall on all flesh.
It gets more intense. From the time I was a tot, I was having prophetic dreams that I did not know they were propehtic until they started coming true ever since I had moved here in Pennslvania for the fifth grade in July of '74. As the dreams of my tot and high school years have come true as the recent dreams were coming true faster.. some were the very next day..a few in reference to future sins, some in reference to current news event, some in reference to my activities on the internet... but they were just meant for me to know as the Holy Spirit in me was showing me things to come.
A part of me wished I had died back then when I was a tot. I was almost strangled in bed by my own bedsheets. I prayed to God to save me and just when I thought I was a goner,... I surrendered to die but I did not. When I had relaxed from my struggles, I found I could breathe just a little bit underneathe that tight knot. I noticed when I tried to undo this knot, I was making it hard to breath so I had to relax in order to get my fingers in the knot to undo it. I did. The next morning, my mother noticed the blood shot eyes which I just learned from CSI shows are the result of being almost strangled to death. She was mystified.. and of course, then I did not knew of the connection nor was I aware that my eyes were red. Anyway... my life was one of constant struggle in the flesh as I was misled in my high school years to make a commitment to follow Christ to show everyone that He was also Lord over me and not just Saviour. Needless to say that the Lord had to deliver me from it as well as the flesh for me to rest in Him again and His Covenant to me to help me live as His by faith.
So here I am now.. betrayed by my folks.. my enemies having the ability to make me out to be some kind of monster.... and yet they are not shy in provoking incidents to occur..... as if they want me to be a monster. Needless the say, I thank the Lord for making me oblivious to all of this until He informed me by dreams that gossip is the reason why I must leave... and then I found it to be true.
So... what am I leading up to? I cannot have a relationship... not even a friend. I cannot explain how they are violating my civil rights but they can turn my fellow workers against me and I have not said nor done anything to warrant this. Somehow.. things private from home are used to incite people to riot. Some say things to my face in a mocking manner that they could not have known unless they had violated my civil rights. Some say things as if they were with me the whole time and yet exaggerate the incident like my driving to work one night as I slowed down to see a doe and two fawns walking across the road... when I got at work, the cute blonde whom was off of her shift and shopping in groceries, shouted at me as she was holding the cell phone and declared her anger that I was trying to run over two fawns. Who is lying like this? Yeah.. right. Like I am looking to increase my car insurance and put a huge dent in my car! I enjoyed looking at the doe and the two fawns!!
Okay.. well anyway... I am practically fitting the description of a typical suicide with no way out, but Jesus is with me. If this happened to Baruch, then with His help, I can walk through this valley of death.
Psalm 23:1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
People should use this Psalm for the relationship we have with Jesus now and not for others at their funeral.
So the point is... when it looks like there is no way out... give it to Jesus. Makes me wonder what He will do to get me through whatever the day throws at me.
Philippians 3:14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5: 6Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: 7Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 8Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 9Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.
Verse 9 is pretty much saying... you are not alone in the trials you are going through. Others have gone through it..and are going through it... and Jesus is with us always. He will help you face the day together. No point "checking out" when you may be depriving yourself of a thanksgiving in Jesus' name.
