I believed in God before I knew what religion was and have considered myself a Christian, although reading but not Church going, for most of my life. Finally a church going Christian for years...but...
I am at a major faith roadblock.
I have been praying over some critical life issues for years. I won't go into the exact issues because that is irrelevant. The only answer or result to my prayer efforts has been nothing, silence, no change, no intuitions, no gut feelings or signs, just absolute nothingness.
This has shaken my faith. It is clear there is a creator. And possible I misunderstand scripture. For example, Christ talking about moving mountains may only be intended for the apostles in their mission to grow the church. Christs prayer example asks for daily bread, not help in life's big problems, or struggling with sin, or anything else.
However, it seems like there are many passages that promote the power of prayer. For example:
Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Mark 11:24 - Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Romans 8:26 - Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Matthew 6:6 - But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
I am painfully aware of all the "excuses" people make for God not answering prayers but honestly, I don't think an all powerful God should need people to make excuses for Him.
I see only a few possibilities here.
1. Regardless of what I may have thought, I am not one of His people and therefore not listened to, or cared about at all. I am merely a fish in this aquarium called earth. I exist for a while, then gone for ever. Temporarily animated dirt that only existed for a time to add a little more depth and background to His great narrative, and nothing more
2. The bible is not inerrant and is wrong. God exists, the bible is a good effort at understanding God, but it is fiction. Perhaps highly valuable fiction but fiction none the less.
3. Another that I loath to believe but seems plausible. People pop into existence by an automated process He created. With a few possible exceptions, He doesn't especially care much for some or even most of us. I am certainly not the only person who feels like I am standing in the bottom of a well shouting towards the little opening hoping someone will hear and throw down a rope but it never comes. It is rational to come to the conclusion that nobody is up there. Nobody hears your shouts. Nobody is there. It is contradictory to think God "wants" you to believe and pray to an absolute zero feedback loop. Especially when it contradicts scripture.
This got me thinking, when people pray for a child who is perishing from a fatal illness, does healing ever come? Ever? or is is 1 out a 1,000? 1 out of 10,000? This is a million times more important that my problems and inflicted on innocents. Children who are supposedly especially loved. If their prayers cannot be answered, what hope is there for any of my prayers to be answered? None.
When I close my eyes and in the quiet and darkness call to the Holy Spirit, listening intently, waiting for His spirit to draw near, I can detect nothing other that perhaps a feeling that I now question isn't just my imagination.
I miss my friend. My friend who I can reveal my deepest feelings to. My friend whom I have been speaking too all my life only to realize I have only been speaking to myself because I am the only one who is there.
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