@Outlander i just wanted to tell you that you have done an amazing job in explaining your spiritual state into words in text because these crisis are very difficult to understand and to give advice anonymously over text.
A lot of members here have given you good advice but i know that you're looking for a sign from God and answer to your prayers.
This is very difficult and sometimes there aren't any words to say except maybe just simply sit with you and break bread.
I know that you want a personal miracle because i see that other people's miracles don't inspire you enough to continue this journey so the only thing to do is sit and break bread and know that you're not alone in the question of suffering and trying to understand God's ways.
God bless you and big hugs to you.