Overseer - 1 Timothy 3

[bahBR]

Whenever my wife and I argue she always reminds me of something that she THINKS that I did in the past that should have separated us. I never did it but I, and she, have no way of disproving or proving it. You may have understood what I mean by ‘it’.

I met my wife in seminary – I never had any girlfriend before her and she never had a boyfriend before me. We felt God leading us towards each other and soon after seminary training we got married. But during our seminary days there was a time when I was accused by my wife of having a close relationship with someone else. That was ‘it’. But I never did such a thing. I thought I was being Christian-like if not Christ-like. I remember being friendly to all. But after that accusation I kind of backed off from being friendly, especially to girls; and people noticed since at least one person had spoken to her about this (she told me so).

I thought my girlfriend was being jealous. I was flattered. I never faltered. In fact, when she wanted to separate after that I cried my way back to her. No shame here, I thought I loved her!

So we married.

I am no saint. I know my own dark heart. I know I have been tempted to think, say and do opposite to what the Scriptures teach. I know that whenever I am with a younger female other than my wife there is a real temptation. But I do practice certain things that let the female know that I am spoken for (even at the seminary) or am not interested in any deeper relationship other that whatever we were supposed to be doing together – sing in the choir or do the assignment together, or something. Besides these, I wear a wedding ring now! On top of that I’m no… (What’s the name of the guy in Mission Impossible – my wife’s favourite Hollywood guy!? It’s not Brad Pitt! Not Keanu! It’s that Scientology guy. Will do a Google search. I can't believe I forgot Tom Cruise's name.)

So, whenever we fight my wife always reminds me of something I never did. Something that is a misunderstanding on her part (I’ve always been a misunderstood person – I could tell you stories – I am such an introvert.) But I think it is something that is real in her mind. I can’t defend myself every time, it tiresome now (it’s been about four years now and no children). It will probably go on till Jesus comes if I don’t die soon. I am so sad and angry. I am bordering on something… Whatever I do or don’t do just hurts her. Whenever I make a mistake like last week I forgot my wallet at home (I know I am so stupid) it just drives the stake deeper into her heart. She thinks that I forgot it on purpose because I was thinking of someone else (This came out in the argument over the forgotten wallet and refers to ‘it’).

I feel helpless. I know she is helpless. She has such a hapless and unmanly husband.

Here is my Biblical question: I am not above reproach in my wife’s eyes, so does this disqualify me from ministry (1 Timothy 3:2 and other Scriptures)? I can’t manage my own house in this matter, I think this disqualifies me from being in ministry (1 Timothy 3:5, etc.)! Both of us are in ministry right now. If she continues to argue this way it will definitely seep through. Or maybe it has, who knows? People who look up to us will be hurt and equate us to one of those failed Christian ministry couples. We are just human and cannot hide it for long. Is it better for me to leave ministry because this will never be solved? I think that is what 1 Timothy 3:2, 5 demands of me. Am I right?

Convince me otherwise because I have no other job qualifications. If I step away then I will have to do some other job that will be of less pay (not that we are rolling in cash right now in ministry like Benny Hinn or Creflo Dollar!). This might lead up to divorce! One thing, humanly speaking, that is keeping me in ministry is the pay. I know this is scandalous.
The other thing is human honour. I can’t believe that I am writing these words. I used to say that God called me but what I am saying now is something very base to me.

And I am very sad, angry and bitter. I am making her like that too. I wish I could do this with more anonymity.

I have heard of a minister of God in our church who stepped away from ministry because of something similar. He is still away.

 

[Nehemiah6]

You should ask the moderators to transfer this to the Family Forum since this is focused on a personal issue.

 

[loyaldisciple]

Whenever my wife and I argue she always reminds me of something that she THINKS that I did in the past that should have separated us. I never did it but I, and she, have no way of disproving or proving it. You may have understood what I mean by ‘it’.

I met my wife in seminary – I never had any girlfriend before her and she never had a boyfriend before me. We felt God leading us towards each other and soon after seminary training we got married. But during our seminary days there was a time when I was accused by my wife of having a close relationship with someone else. That was ‘it’. But I never did such a thing. I thought I was being Christian-like if not Christ-like. I remember being friendly to all. But after that accusation I kind of backed off from being friendly, especially to girls; and people noticed since at least one person had spoken to her about this (she told me so).

I thought my girlfriend was being jealous. I was flattered. I never faltered. In fact, when she wanted to separate after that I cried my way back to her. No shame here, I thought I loved her!

So we married.

I am no saint. I know my own dark heart. I know I have been tempted to think, say and do opposite to what the Scriptures teach. I know that whenever I am with a younger female other than my wife there is a real temptation. But I do practice certain things that let the female know that I am spoken for (even at the seminary) or am not interested in any deeper relationship other that whatever we were supposed to be doing together – sing in the choir or do the assignment together, or something. Besides these, I wear a wedding ring now! On top of that I’m no… (What’s the name of the guy in Mission Impossible – my wife’s favourite Hollywood guy!? It’s not Brad Pitt! Not Keanu! It’s that Scientology guy. Will do a Google search. I can't believe I forgot Tom Cruise's name.)

So, whenever we fight my wife always reminds me of something I never did. Something that is a misunderstanding on her part (I’ve always been a misunderstood person – I could tell you stories – I am such an introvert.) But I think it is something that is real in her mind. I can’t defend myself every time, it tiresome now (it’s been about four years now and no children). It will probably go on till Jesus comes if I don’t die soon. I am so sad and angry. I am bordering on something… Whatever I do or don’t do just hurts her. Whenever I make a mistake like last week I forgot my wallet at home (I know I am so stupid) it just drives the stake deeper into her heart. She thinks that I forgot it on purpose because I was thinking of someone else (This came out in the argument over the forgotten wallet and refers to ‘it’).

I feel helpless. I know she is helpless. She has such a hapless and unmanly husband.

Here is my Biblical question: I am not above reproach in my wife’s eyes, so does this disqualify me from ministry (1 Timothy 3:2 and other Scriptures)? I can’t manage my own house in this matter, I think this disqualifies me from being in ministry (1 Timothy 3:5, etc.)! Both of us are in ministry right now. If she continues to argue this way it will definitely seep through. Or maybe it has, who knows? People who look up to us will be hurt and equate us to one of those failed Christian ministry couples. We are just human and cannot hide it for long. Is it better for me to leave ministry because this will never be solved? I think that is what 1 Timothy 3:2, 5 demands of me. Am I right?

Convince me otherwise because I have no other job qualifications. If I step away then I will have to do some other job that will be of less pay (not that we are rolling in cash right now in ministry like Benny Hinn or Creflo Dollar!). This might lead up to divorce! One thing, humanly speaking, that is keeping me in ministry is the pay. I know this is scandalous.
The other thing is human honour. I can’t believe that I am writing these words. I used to say that God called me but what I am saying now is something very base to me.

And I am very sad, angry and bitter. I am making her like that too. I wish I could do this with more anonymity.

I have heard of a minister of God in our church who stepped away from ministry because of something similar. He is still away.

If "money" has anything at all to do with you staying in ministry, then you should be doing something else. And if your wife is always accusing you of something you didn't do, then that's a serious problem. Are you willing to stay with her if that never ceases ? If you are having great problems managing your own family, then according to the Bible you shouldn't be a minister. Unfortunately your story here is likely not all that uncommon today. Couples with many problems trying to lead other people and couples. If you and your wife are devout Christian then you should work to forgive each other. If that can't be done and she keeps bringing up things in the past that never happened, that's not a healthy situation and you may need to end it. YOU are the one supposed to be leading that family. I think YOU should pray to God for some serious answers and see where He guides you.

 

[bahBR]

If "money" has anything at all to do with you staying in ministry, then you should be doing something else. And if your wife is always accusing you of something you didn't do, then that's a serious problem. Are you willing to stay with her if that never ceases ? If you are having great problems managing your own family, then according to the Bible you shouldn't be a minister. Unfortunately your story here is likely not all that uncommon today. Couples with many problems trying to lead other people and couples. If you and your wife are devout Christian then you should work to forgive each other. If that can't be done and she keeps bringing up things in the past that never happened, that's not a healthy situation and you may need to end it. YOU are the one supposed to be leading that family. I think YOU should pray to God for some serious answers and see where He guides you.

Thanks for this honest answer.

 

[loyaldisciple]

Thanks for this honest answer.

You are welcome and I wish you and your family the best. You are young. I hope you find more happiness soon.

 

[OneFaith]

The burden of proof is on the accuser- which she has none, you didn’t have sexual relations with another right? And this accusation is before she married you right? So obviously either she doesn’t really believe it, or she believes it and agreed to marry a cheater. She has to let it go. Even if she believes it she has to forgive (even though it sounds like there is nothing to forgive).

Accusing someone with no proof is sinful, and so is holding a grudge for years. Jesus says don’t let the sun go down on our anger. And if she’s telling other people this (aside from a marriage counselor or church elders in a private meeting), then she’s also practicing slander. Someone needs to sit her down and tell her what she’s doing is seriously sinful.

 

[AuntieAnt]

If you were my son, this would break my heart. No doubt, it touches God’s heart, too. Your wife’s jealousy is so out of control and she is vexing you with it. She needs professional help, a Christian counselor, somebody who can give her guidance and hold her accountable to stop punishing you like that. You can love her and stand by her, but you can’t allow her behavior to crush your spirit.

I don’t think arguing with her will accomplish a thing. Explain to her you won’t answer to her accusations anymore and that she needs to speak to the pastor or a counselor about getting help for her fears.

As for your job, God provided that job for you so continue with it. But talk to your pastor or a Christian counselor or leader you trust, and explain your situation, and pray for the Lord to give you clarity and peace. I pray that for you, too young man. Blessings of grace and peace be yours in Christ Jesus.

 

[HeRoseFromTheDead]

(I’ve always been a misunderstood person – I could tell you stories – I am such an introvert.)

Brother, I know where you're coming from. I used to be just like that. I would do things in the innocence of my heart in kindness towards people, and then get accused of the most vile things. I was very introverted and insecure and did not have the confidence to stick up for myself. But what I have learned is that remaining silent was not love. I was not loving myself and I was not loving others (by clearing up their misunderstanding, or simply confronting the evil of peoples' ways). We can't properly love others unless we are loving ourselves (love others AS you love yourself). Your wife is being a false accuser. GOD hates false accusers. She needs to be dealt with firmly until she stops.

 

[Dino246]

Whenever my wife and I argue she always reminds me of something that she THINKS that I did in the past that should have separated us. I never did it but I, and she, have no way of disproving or proving it. You may have understood what I mean by ‘it’.
...

And I am very sad, angry and bitter. I am making her like that too. I wish I could do this with more anonymity.

I have heard of a minister of God in our church who stepped away from ministry because of something similar. He is still away.

BahBR, thanks for sharing...
There are several threads to your story, and it appears to me that they need to be unraveled and dealt with separately.

First, your wife isn't letting go of her perceived hurt. That's her issue, not yours, and she needs to work through it with Jesus, and possibly with the help of a Christian counselor. Your part in this is to pray for her and support her in getting the necessary help.

Second, your motivation for being "in ministry" isn't clear, but you seem to have some wrong motivations for staying in ministry (and by "ministry" I assume you mean full-time work in a church or mission). "Not having other skills" is probably in the top ten worst reasons to be in ministry. I suggest that you go back to the Lord for clarification... where and how does He want you to serve Him?

Third, you seem to have an inadequate understanding of the qualifications for ministry. Your wife's "reproach" of you is based on... nothing. As she cannot substantiate her accusations, and you claim innocence, ignore it and move on. As for "managing your household", I would certainly suggest you get this strife with your wife sorted out. That is the root of the issue; your heart isn't in the right place with this going on.

Fourth, biblically, divorce is not an option for you. Stop considering it, and give it no place at all in your thoughts. Don't consider either the option of staying married but living separate lives; that is just as damaging. Get your marriage healed.

If you are truly called to the ministry, you are called together as a couple. You need to engage in the spiritual battle together. There is nothing the enemy of your souls would like more than to take you out of the war by undermining both your marriage and your self-esteem, leaving you both wounded and of little use to the cause of Christ. Put your armour on, gird up your loins like a man, stand with your wife, and tell the enemy where to go.

 

[bahBR]

Thank you all for your honest and sound responses. It is a real pleasure to read all of your answers. Thank you for your prayers. We are presently not fighting. And are talking to each other. We have apologized to each other. Small steps… I am going to prayerfully implement some of the advices/suggestions that you guys have given.

We are not leaving the ministry. I will take charge to better myself and our marriage. Continue to pray for me and my wife. If you wish to have any updates please feel free to Inbox me here at CC.
God bless you all!

 

[RickWman]

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. I don't believe that you are disqualified based on the 1 Timothy scripture. Walking in the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22) and renewing our minds is a daily walk. All believers are ministers of Jesus and if you and your wife know that you have been called to a ministry, you need to focus on what you have more than what you don't have. Both of you may need counseling with someone who can offer wise, long-term advise. I'll stand with you and your wife that you both will produce good fruit from your marriage and ministry.

 

[bahBR]

Thank you RickWman. We are alright now. Continue to pray for us. I will pray for you too.

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. I don't believe that you are disqualified based on the 1 Timothy scripture. Walking in the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22) and renewing our minds is a daily walk. All believers are ministers of Jesus and if you and your wife know that you have been called to a ministry, you need to focus on what you have more than what you don't have. Both of you may need counseling with someone who can offer wise, long-term advise. I'll stand with you and your wife that you both will produce good fruit from your marriage and ministry.

 

[oldethennew]

you have described so much sickness and darkness in your and your wife's lives -
you both need to 'surrender' to Christ and not each other, seek His Light and
'Christian counseling'...