Life Changer!?

To whoever's out there,
I admit that im not a technological person and this is the first time ive ever "blogged". Im not even the type to express my feelings or concerns on any issue thats going on in my world...although i do with family and friends. But because i cant seem to sleep and my mind is so bogged down with crap, ive decided to go for it.
**FYI im not looking for pitty, just putting this out there**

On October 2nd, a few months ago, i was involved in a head on collision which resulted in a man dying. (It was raining and i lost control of my vehicle.) The second i heard that the guy had passed, i knew things would never be the same.

Now ive always been a Christian man. Growing up in the church and just always being in that environment. My family is big believers and have always supported me through everything but this was to me the biggest test of faith. I cant say that ive really lived the Christian life style. I dont really read the bible and i havent been to chruch in a very long time. Kinda the country boy mentality. Drinking beer with friends, big pasture parties, smoking cussing etc. But thats not saying i dont believe...i just have always struggled. Honestly if it wasnt for family and close friends, i would probably be extremely depressed and barely hanging on.

Since the wreck I havent been able to get the images of that night out of my head. Feeling worthless and having no control over anything. And worst of all having that feeling that i caused someone to die. I just dont feel like the same person anymore and actually just feel numb like i dont care about anything. Im tired but i cant sleep, im sad but i cant cry and im angry but i cant explain the feeling.

Because of everything going on...thankfully i see myself becoming closer to God. I read the bible more and surround myself with other Christians. Which is all great. But deep down I feel nothing. I pray before I read and ask God to speak to me...but nothing. I do feel some peace now and i give that all to God....but my thinking is....i feel unworthy to ask God of ANYTHING knowing that because of me, this mans family is without him and they are spending the holidays in pain. I honestly feel like a killer most days and i just cant seem to get that out of my head. I think there might be some depression going on but i cant tell. What i do know is I should have died that night...i dont know how to explain my thoughts on that....but i often wish it was me instead of him cause i caused it.

So thats my ranting....i just kinda wanted to write something down and put it out there. And sorry if some of this doesnt make any sense, its 2am and im exhausted.
But thanks for reading and comment all you want...throw some prayers my way if you can and remember.....your whole world can end in a split second, out of nowhere.

**I WROTE THIS DOWN ONE NIGHT, NOT SURE IF IT MAKES SENSE: "God doesnt choose how our life turns out, he just oversees our decisions we make" ???

you did not cause him to die.

God Makes More Than Perfect Sense, Man!
He Put doors.
Stand By THE MAN. Salvation Christ!

You are a brave man for sharing this story. I pray for peace in your mind and joy in your heart. God Bless You.

I feel your pain and understand what it is to take a life. You didn't mention what the underlying cause of the accident was, but that you were at fault. I too was at fault, but I believe the difference in the taking of life in your situation is that it was an accident and it was not something that you thought about and planned.

I understand the feelings of numbness, wishing you could change things, making a different decision or taking back what happened so the end result was a different one than what the reality is.

The best that we can do is start with God and ask Him to forgive us and then leave the pain and the wrong with Him and accept the forgiveness that Jesus has died for us and take the gift of grace and mercy in faith. Trusting that we are forgiven and move forward in our lives learning lessons that this terrible accident has given you or in my case the bad terrible choice I made a little over 30 years ago. Now that we have this new knowledge then to never repeat the mistake we made knowing now what the end result is. But understanding that we have both been forgiven by God.

You may say to yourself how does she know how I feel. Well my mistake was having an abortion by choice 30 years ago. I wavered for several weeks on what to do and I chose to end the life of my unborn child. I had to make a choice it was not by accident and for over 30 years I have had to live with a decision I wish I had not made now but there is nothing I can do to change the result of that decision. Yes, I feel as though it was murder of an innocent and there is nothing I can do now to fix the choice I made then. I have to live with that choice.

I did ask God to forgive me, I did learn my lesson and I never repeated this horrible choice I made all those years ago. I believe God has forgiven me and the Bible tells me that those who are forgiven much love much. I love God for that forgiveness and I try with all my heart to help others who experience remorse and guilt from mistakes they may have made. Sometimes the choices we make are terrible ones, but we have a loving and forgiving God who understands the sin sick world we live in and He forgives our transgressions and has His arms open wide for us to come and rest in them.

Please accept the forgiveness God is offering you today and rest in His forgiving arms of love and peace. We can't change what has happened, but we can in faith and trust accept the forgiveness God is offering us and then move on to make our lives count from this moment forward to never repeat those mistakes that got us to our points of despair, God's love can move us beyond this despair to hope and a life that we live for Him.

God bless you in your walk with Jesus. Praying you will find peace and rest in His arms of love.....Darlene/JesusLives

Understand that Yah puts people in your path, or you in the path of others for a reason. You have admitted as much of being a believer. Now it is time you realize the other part of that, in that just believing doesn't get it. Faith without works is dead. Act on your faith/belief and that is your works.

This rest you can't seem to get, this feeling of guilt, this lack of feeling at all, give it to ha'Mashiah Yahushua in faith, and He will be your answer, your deliverance and your rest. Remember that just about all of the ones that are called had something wrong, and they were all repaired through Him!

Firstly, it was not your intention to kill that night, you may have unwittingly contributed to it but it was not murder.
Secondly, God has already forgiven you. You say you are a Christian but are you - truly? Are you born again? Did you pray the prayer of salvation? Were you baptised? If not then you should immediately do these things because as you yourself said life can end at any time. Life can be snatched away in the blink of an eye.
Thirdly, Sounds to me like you may be suffering from depression so a visit to your doctor might be a good idea. It may also help to talk to a counsellor.
Life is cruel, we live in a fallen world and these things happen. Don't beat yourself up for something you cannot change. Jesus died so that all of us might be forgiven - even for the worse crimes imaginable - yes worse than someone who was involved in a accident.

Thanks for everyones comments and putting some wisdom on me. Let me clarify some things and answer some questions about all this. I DO know it was an accident and i didnt purposely "kill" this man. But its a guilt that Im living with and have never experienced this type of guilt before. So its something new to me that im trying to get a handle on. Ive talked to MANY doctors about this and in the process of finding a therapist to dig deeper into whats going on.

I can only say so much about the wreck, legally. Atleast thats what im being told. But it was late and raining, I hydroplaned and hit the other vehicle head on. Im also dealing with the county DA wanting to put certain charges on me but thats all up in the air right now. Thankfully the investigating officers cleared me and I wasnt given a citation for any wrong doing. But still, the DA is just doing his job and its what has to be done.

Am I a Christian, truely? Thats something I struggle with daily. I try to live a Christian life style, probably more now than before. I was saved many many years ago and baptized. So I like to think I am a Christian...atleast i want to be. Im ashamed of my actions against God daily but im trying to change all that the best I can.

So again, thank you everyone for your input and words of wisdom. I know everyone has their own tragedies to deal with and things could be much worse. Its just nice to hear what people think and hopefully i can walk away with just a bit more insight on things.

No such thing as the perfect Christian. You are not alone in feeling inadequate on that score - we all fail daily but are immediately forgiven. The key is we never stop trying and you seem to be no different.
Brother, get some counselling. I will pray for you, God bless.

No such thing as perfect?

Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of YHWH.

2Ti 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of YHWH, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
2Ti 3:17 That the man of YHWH may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

Jas 1:4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Are we told to attempt to be something to which we cannot attain through faith in the Ruah of ha'Mashiah Yahushua and our Abba Yahuwah? Rather all things are possible to him that believes in Yah.

No chopper, not even you. Only Jesus was and is perfect. The rest of us are simply a work in process.
I don't believe this is the place for such debates either.

"we being His Christians IS ALL HIS THING...!" lovelovelovelovelove.
"i kinda hope you don't dig a hole in you now!" SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED. BEFORE. YOUR FUTURE IS THE OTHER BEFORE. FORWARDS!
please be well!