6 Weeks before the wedding & now this...

[blue_ladybug]

Do you really believe with a few words you can jump right in, tell me off, try and say this is the only solution to this problem.
Any number of experiences does not make you more or less qualified. You are probably in a worse position, because like most victims you see it being repeated everywhere, every time. What does help victims is just sharing indicators and tips of how to avoid difficult situations. The sad fact is the future is unknown, and often handling emotions leads to a better outcome.

The reason why I am not in a victimised situation is because I would have backed out much earlier. You say I am making rediculous statements. It is clear your relationships have been off the park very early on, no resolution or discussion, or parting of the ways on good terms, just the nuclear option and run. This speaks more about your relationship handling and failure than great wisdom. Do you know how to handle a healthy relationship, then I might take note.

Every bad situation is always a learning experience of how you got sucked in too quick, and compromised.

You need to learn to read. I never said this is the only way, but it IS a good start. It's OBVIOUS that this guy is trouble. Also, I didn't tell you off. If I had, you'd know it..LOL.. Telling the OP to get to a safe location IS "sharing tips".. I backed out as soon as my ex choked me, I was gone and so was he. There was no "parting on good terms" with a person who tried to kill me.. and that's another ludicrous statement by you. You don't do parting on good terms, when someone is controlling, manipulative, and has the potential to kill you.

The mass majority of the replies here, tell the OP to get out and not go back. YOU are urging her to stay and make nice with a guy who is trying to control every aspect of her life. THANK GOD she's not married to this creep! You would probably tell her to stay until he bashes her head in with a shovel. Can you honestly say you want her to stay with this jerk, and be controlled, abused and killed by him someday? Cuz that's where she's heading if she goes back. And if you DO say she should stay and risk her life, then you are responsible for her death, because she might listen to you and go back to him and get murdered.. And there's no towel big enough for you to wash her blood off your hands!!

Yes, I've had failed relationships. One because he tried to kill me, so that's on him. The other was because I was cheated on so I booted his ascot to the curb as soon as I found out. At least I HAD SENSE ENOUGH not to return to either of them.

 

[blondieindahouse]

Do you really believe with a few words you can jump right in, tell me off, try and say this is the only solution to this problem.
Any number of experiences does not make you more or less qualified. You are probably in a worse position, because like most victims you see it being repeated everywhere, every time. What does help victims is just sharing indicators and tips of how to avoid difficult situations. The sad fact is the future is unknown, and often handling emotions leads to a better outcome.

The reason why I am not in a victimised situation is because I would have backed out much earlier. You say I am making rediculous statements. It is clear your relationships have been off the park very early on, no resolution or discussion, or parting of the ways on good terms, just the nuclear option and run. This speaks more about your relationship handling and failure than great wisdom. Do you know how to handle a healthy relationship, then I might take note.

Every bad situation is always a learning experience of how you got sucked in too quick, and compromised.

She is just as qualified as you claim to be.
And here you are once again making assertions of someones past and character. If you make false assertions about others and paint them to be coming from a emotionally charged place; it makes you look all the wiser in your own mind. Actually,the more you speak the more you reveal your heart.

11The proud look of man will be abased And the loftiness of man will be humbled, And the LORD alone will be exalted in that day. 12For the LORD of hosts will have a day of reckoning Against everyone who is proud and lofty And against everyone who is lifted up, That he may be abased.…

"I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, And I find knowledge and discretion. 13"The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverted mouth, I hate.

 

[blondieindahouse]

I agree 100%

 

[jb]

6 Weeks before the wedding & now this...

Quite simply, if you get married to this man your misery is going to get SO MUCH WORSE!

CUT YOUR LOSSES NOW, pack your bags and walk away!

Also get yourself right with the Lord!

 

[blondieindahouse]

I have been married 25 years. One of the basic things I live by is what my partner does is ok. I have 100% trust in them.

Im happy for you although its irrelevant here . This is about her life not yours. By your own words, it sounds like you have more than one partner.

If they choose to walk away, then amen, because love wants the best for both people. From the depths of my heart, love does not work if people are forced into it, because of jealousy, or dependency, but understanding and respect.

It really takes time, and some people find the trust involved is too much, because they have a history of being betrayed in the past. But this often does lead to abuse, and great unhappiness.

I hope you find resolution and things become clear between the two of you.

You still dont appear to be fully aware of the situation.

 

[kaylagrl]

Do you really believe with a few words you can jump right in, tell me off, try and say this is the only solution to this problem.
Any number of experiences does not make you more or less qualified. You are probably in a worse position, because like most victims you see it being repeated everywhere, every time. What does help victims is just sharing indicators and tips of how to avoid difficult situations. The sad fact is the future is unknown, and often handling emotions leads to a better outcome.

The reason why I am not in a victimised situation is because I would have backed out much earlier. You say I am making rediculous statements. It is clear your relationships have been off the park very early on, no resolution or discussion, or parting of the ways on good terms, just the nuclear option and run. This speaks more about your relationship handling and failure than great wisdom. Do you know how to handle a healthy relationship, then I might take note.

Every bad situation is always a learning experience of how you got sucked in too quick, and compromised.

Wow,is all I can say to that one. Just wow...

 

[VioletReigns]

Well done. You have to tell him the only way back is after a break, and you both agree it is something you want to do.

You can only decide that once trust and respect is established. If it cannot be, it will just be this continual to and fro, which is no basis for a long term relationship.

I guarantee that if you ever gave soconfused that advice in front of a police officer, he would tell you to shut your mouth. The police and the court system deal with this exact type of domestic violence every single day. In every case they advise victims to get out of that environment, go to a safe place and DO NOT RETURN to the abuser again.

In many states once a person has been victimized in the manner this lady is relaying, it's no longer the "victim vs the abuser". It is the "State Vs. the abuser". They don't play around with domestic violence anymore. And her situation is absolutely domestic violence. I was on the board of directors for a crisis center for years. You are putting soconfused in jeopardy telling her to work this out with that violent man.

 

[VioletReigns]

I left this morning. However, I have failed to cut off all communication with him. We are still emailing. He is begging me back. But he's livid that I took money out of our account. I took what I believe to be owed (what I'll need to pay in taxes) and not nearly as much as I believe I should receive. He has threatened to sue me. He went and told my good friend (our neighbor) immediately that I left and how much money I took and that he thinks I may be cheating with my ex. She knew I was leaving and helped me ... But he has no clue that she knew. She called me immediately and told me. I could not believe he told her that despite the fact that he was still begging me back.

He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

But my bet is he is on his way to my location now.

Sister Soconfused, please call this number:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

They will help you get to a safe place and counsel you on what to do next to get your life in order.

 

[blondieindahouse]

I guarantee that if you ever gave soconfused that advice in front of a police officer, he would tell you to shut your mouth. The police and the court system deal with this exact type of domestic violence every single day. In every case they advise victims to get out of that environment, go to a safe place and DO NOT RETURN to the abuser again.

In many states once a person has been victimized in the manner this lady is relaying, it's no longer the "victim vs the abuser". It is the "State Vs. the abuser". They don't play around with domestic violence anymore. And her situation is absolutely domestic violence. I was on the board of directors for a crisis center for years. You are putting soconfused in jeopardy telling her to work this out with that violent man.

He is creating more a problem and nothing towards a solution. I pray that soconfused has the sense to listen to the majority and totally ignore his uneducated advice.Amen

Perhaps he will stick to his 2 threads he created today where he speaks his mind. I guess he is trying to broaden his audience? LOL . He hurls alot more insults at those of us who are trying to reason with him . Oh yes he has done a fine job of wasting space with two threads so he can vent and paint himself the knight on the white horse!! Satan does come as an angel of light. Not saying he is satan either. Im saying he didnt get his wisdom on this matter from God or even a domestic abuse resource for that matter!!! SMH...

It appears he cares more to be right than actually help this gal. It would certainly be a bonus if he comes to grasp the seriousness of this situation and takes precaution of his words in the future.
I pray for God to give him wisdom and discernment.Amen

 

[PeterJens]

I left this morning.

The women here feel you are in serious danger. You loose nothing by being 100% safe and keeping it all buttoned down.
By sharing with others who have had similar experiences may help you, certainly those here are speaking with one voice, so I encourage you to take it.

 

[PeterJens]

Hi sisters,

Am I hurling insults? If my observations are correct, they are not insults. I am not trying to be "right", but balanced.
What I have learnt is whatever I write you will get upset or agree with me. I can just share. But for you it is like an exam, where I must say exactly what you approve of.

What I know is no matter how much I think x is right, people will do something else most of the time. So what I try to do is share how it comes across.

On the subject do I care whether I am helping this gal or not, ofcourse I care. But you always have to realise it is the person who is making the choice. There is no magic bullet, it is always a discussion with a conclusion. My conclusion in this situation is run.

 

[PeterJens]

The mass majority of the replies here, tell the OP to get out and not go back. YOU are urging her to stay and make nice with a guy who is trying to control every aspect of her life. THANK GOD she's not married to this creep! You would probably tell her to stay until he bashes her head in with a shovel. Can you honestly say you want her to stay with this jerk, and be controlled, abused and killed by him someday? Cuz that's where she's heading if she goes back. And if you DO say she should stay and risk her life, then you are responsible for her death, because she might listen to you and go back to him and get murdered.. And there's no towel big enough for you to wash her blood off your hands!!

This is very extreme. You have already said this woman will die if she stays. And if this happens, you are saying, I will have blood on my hands.

Now what I wrote was about communication. I did not say she should stay or do anything, just communication is important in any relationship. It would be tragedy if a murder happened, but this is down to the murderer not me. Is this how you normally deal with people, put guilt on them. That is not good behaviour or even christian. By your words I would be guilty of a sin of another. Would you then suggest I should be executed for this sin.

Thankyou friends for this lesson. Your ideas as expressed are based on fear, not insight. There is risk in all these situations, and in the end the instinct of the people involved often works things through. But you believe so much in your expressions, saying anything outside the confines is scary. Where is your faith in Jesus, in love, in grace.

I understand you guys do not like risk, yet you talk to people who are burning themselves alive, yet unless things are expressed like this and not that it is of the enemy. Great insight there, I think not.

 

[PeterJens]

I reread what I wrote. Boy you guys do not read. This relationship is 100% disfunctional but soconfused loves him.
Now what I tried was to look at what would a normal conversation look like. Now this technique can be used to show how far away things have really got.

But as a result I am now saying stay. No. To see what is actually going down you look at the positive of what you want, and then see how things have gone wrong. The upshot is normally, run for the hills.

So thanks guys for jumping on me. Dealing with you lot is actually hard work, but hay what else is there to spend a friday doing.

 

[blondieindahouse]

I reread what I wrote. Boy you guys do not read. This relationship is 100% disfunctional but soconfused loves him.
Now what I tried was to look at what would a normal conversation look like. Now this technique can be used to show how far away things have really got.

But as a result I am now saying stay. No. To see what is actually going down you look at the positive of what you want, and then see how things have gone wrong. The upshot is normally, run for the hills.

So thanks guys for jumping on me. Dealing with you lot is actually hard work, but hay what else is there to spend a friday doing.

but hay what else is there to spend a friday doing.
You could work on your spelling and sentence structure.

 

[Magenta]

is there any particular reason you are living with a man outside marriage

it doesn't seem to have even been mentioned by any people replying as though it's just this just normal now for christians?

Actually, it was, by Blondieindahouse, post #16

 

[Magenta]

I left this morning. However, I have failed to cut off all communication with him. We are still emailing. He is begging me back. But he's livid that I took money out of our account. I took what I believe to be owed (what I'll need to pay in taxes) and not nearly as much as I believe I should receive. He has threatened to sue me. He went and told my good friend (our neighbor) immediately that I left and how much money I took and that he thinks I may be cheating with my ex. She knew I was leaving and helped me ... But he has no clue that she knew. She called me immediately and told me. I could not believe he told her that despite the fact that he was still begging me back.

He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

But my bet is he is on his way to my location now.

Kudos to you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and walk away. Curious to know why you expect decency from him... ? He is trying to poison others toward you, to get them to side with him, so he can have allies to bolster his being right in his own mind, the victim of your maltreatment of him. You need to cut all ties.

 

[JesusLives]

Well, he has told me that he doesn't believe in separation. He also says if I leave for the weekend, he wouldn't be able to take me back because he would think I was with another man.

He seems to think that I am going to cheat instantaneously. I tried leaving the house the other night in a fight -- he told me if I walked out the door -- I would never be allowed back in. I know it was a threat but I think there is some truth to it. He wants all or nothing. He keeps begging me to stay...but then other days -- he will tell me to just leave ...since he thinks that's what I want.

I am sick to my stomach - I'm still here but I'm already grieving this relationship. It's hard to feel this way - I suppose it won't get any easier as long as I'm still here.

How can it be a separation if you aren't married? You are sinning against God living with this man who is a threat and a danger to you....stealing your money as it isn't our money yet you aren't married. We don't know all the facts maybe you sleep in separate rooms, but as demanding as this man is I doubt it.

What if you stood up for yourself and told the truth....It probably would get really ugly fast....Why are you flirting with danger and your life? He is a control freak and you know it. Remember try and remove yourself from this situation and it is your best friend asking you for advice in her troubled life.....What is your response now.

What are you still doing in this house? Are you going to stay there until you march down the isle and out of your families lives forever because if he doesn't want you to do work activities and it will get much worse after you are Mrs. Bully Controller than it is now.

Pray about this and know that God is on your side to protect you. Get your money transferred into a new bank account electronically and GO NOW!!!!! Your family and your son are worth having in your life this thief, bully controlling manipulator is not worth hanging onto I don't care if he is the richest man in the world - the money is not worth it.

 

[JesusLives]

I left this morning. However, I have failed to cut off all communication with him. We are still emailing. He is begging me back. But he's livid that I took money out of our account. I took what I believe to be owed (what I'll need to pay in taxes) and not nearly as much as I believe I should receive. He has threatened to sue me. He went and told my good friend (our neighbor) immediately that I left and how much money I took and that he thinks I may be cheating with my ex. She knew I was leaving and helped me ... But he has no clue that she knew. She called me immediately and told me. I could not believe he told her that despite the fact that he was still begging me back.

He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

But my bet is he is on his way to my location now.

Stop talking to him - Let him sue you as this is still his way of manipulating you and then the tears will come and the I'm so sorry, please don't leave me I'm going to kill myself. All lies and all ways to try to MAKE YOU COME BACK because you feel guilty.... I lied to him, I love him, he will kill himself and I'd feel so guilty.

What about feeling guilty about what you are doing to hurt God? You are a child of God living in sin. You are His daughter and Jesus died for you because you are worth that much to Him. God loves you so much that there is a chat site begging you to get away from this man and begging you to stop talking to a known manipulator who has the devil whispering in his ear. It is not God that this man is following because he exhibits none of the 1 Corinthians chapter 13 qualities....Cut contact NOW.....

 

[JesusLives]

My only other advice to you at this point would be for you to contact an abused hotline and get counselling and help as to why you keep returning to this emotionally abusive, manipulating man. You need to deal with this so you don't repeat this in another man down the road.

You have been very quiet I hope and pray he has not talked you back already....

Dear Father In Heaven

Please help our confused sister, please Lord keep her safe, help her have the fortitude and determination to brake free of this abusive relationship. Help this man to seek professional help also, please I pray that if he called her and said he was taking his life that she did not run to him.... help her to call the authorities to go and assist him or baker act him if they have that law in their state so this man can get help that he desperately needs.

Our sister needs help to help her to want to seek out and get that help. Father I leave them both in Your hands in Jesus Name Amen.

 

[PeterJens]

A little short story. My daughter had a group of best friends. One of the girls got involved with a boy who for whatever reason she told all her feelings and darkest secrets to, which she never shared with her friends.

He took over her life. He would not allow her out, would insist on going to everything with her and used possessiveness to run the relationship. Her friends told her he was bad news, ruining her life, taking over everything, cutting her off from contact with others etc. She ignored this advice, and continued. After about a year, she finally got fed up of this attention and decided to just participate with others. The relationship then fell apart. She had to learn for herself before she could take the advice.

These relationships happen all the time, and are complex and difficult. Most of the time it is a train wreck, but just being there seems to help, and also reflecting what a good relationship actually is.

I apologise if I have upset you, because our histories do mold how we express ourselves.
Based on all you concern I hope and pray soconfused gives an update to say she is safe, to at least put our minds at rest.