6 Weeks before the wedding & now this...

[PeterJens]

I vehemently disagree with your TERRIBLE ADVICE!!

Blondie - the safest thing is just dump ones relationships and live on an island. The best any of us can do is help present alternatives, and help the person discover what works for them.

soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which lead them to extreme resolutions. In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to.

From what you have said you have left before, so your relationship is not clear cut or what is actually playing out.
We have a friend who is bipolar, who goes through these cycles as well, so from this end it is almost impossible to give you help other than seeking out one to one contact with professional groups.

 

[wolfwint]

I should also point out that just last week he said that for the first time in his life he felt like he wanted to kill himself. He said that the stress of being with me is just overwhelming and every area of his life is fuc*ed. Well, he threatened suicide last year when I was working and I called 911 -- and he was very angry. I realized then it was just manipulation.

So they other day I told him he needed help if that was true....he obviously snapped out of it. Well, yesterday I was telling him that day he threatened this I felt I needed to leave him but I've stayed because I love him so much. He said that he would never kill himself - that indeed he was playing with me....and that he loves himself too much. THEN he said, besides, It would make it too easy for you! I said WHAT? He said that if he died - it would be the perfect way for me to move on and he wouldn't give me that satisfaction.

Dont marry him, it will be more worse if you do it!

 

[VioletReigns]

Blondie - the safest thing is just dump ones relationships and live on an island. The best any of us can do is help present alternatives, and help the person discover what works for them.

soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which lead them to extreme resolutions. In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to.

From what you have said you have left before, so your relationship is not clear cut or what is actually playing out.
We have a friend who is bipolar, who goes through these cycles as well, so from this end it is almost impossible to give you help other than seeking out one to one contact with professional groups.

Actually, the safest thing is to point to the Word of God: "The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9

Contrary to your statement that her relationship is not clear cut, it's crystal clear that she is living with a man who is not her husband. According to God's Word, she should not be living with him. You neglected to point that out.

Justifying your opinion by humiliating others and suggesting they speak from "damaged lives with massive trauma" is ugly and prideful. It's revealing that you are more concerned with appearing right than with helping this woman see the light of God's Word. And you're willing to hurt others to do it.

 

[kaylagrl]

I tried leaving the other day but I think he could sense it and he cut his work day short and came home to be with me. And the last day he has been super sweet and supportive. It is making me feel very weak about leaving him. I truly wish I could just wake up in the morning and I would realize this was all a weird dream.

I am praying for strength. I could walk out the door this morning - as he is at work. He has asked me a million times this morning if I'm leaving him. I told him no.... because I don't want him leaving work again...

Reading back through this post has helped me realize that no matter what - this relationship can't work. But, I am literally sweating ...as I think about the anxiety involved in leaving this house today.

Why am I so darn weak??

I've been concerned about you! I think its so hard to leave because we fear being alone,we fear not knowing the future.But as a popular tv doc says" the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in a bad relationship for a year and one day." Yes the break is hard but you will feel so much better when you take back your freedom and move on.No one said it would be easy but the reward will be worth it.You know God isn't in this.Its time to let go.

 

[kaylagrl]

You know, I have thought about things in that sense ... he even jokes about being the devil sometimes, although I know he - at the end of the day- believes in God. Here's where things get murky for me and I begin to feel guilty. I have lied to him quite a bit. Usually, it was because I was scared that he would blow up in reaction to whatever it was.... Lately the lies are related to the fact that I was hiding money for my son etc. I had good reason for it - but he sees it as lies and distrust. He does not lie (from what I can tell) but he is a master manipulator and he spins things to his benefit. Yes, he has taken my money and he says he's spent it like "our money"....

At the end of the day, he's jealous of anything I do without him. He was jealous of a work meeting I had yesterday because my CEO seemed very interested in what I wanted to further my career. He admitted that he was jealous and he seemed very annoyed. He is jealous of the time I want to spend with my son... and he is jealous of anytime I am away from him.

And we call that an abuser.It doesnt get better with marriage,it'll get worse.

 

[blondieindahouse]

I've been concerned about you! I think its so hard to leave because we fear being alone,we fear not knowing the future.But as a popular tv doc says" the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in a bad relationship for a year and one day." Yes the break is hard but you will feel so much better when you take back your freedom and move on.No one said it would be easy but the reward will be worth it.You know God isn't in this.Its time to let go.

I too have been concerned. Soconfused came to my mind as soon as I awoke today. I am hoping she is "bolting" and making today the first day of a better life.
We are behind you soconfused!!!
May the Lord be guiding your footsteps and give you his wisdom. Amen

 

[kaylagrl]

Blondie - the safest thing is just dump ones relationships and live on an island. The best any of us can do is help present alternatives, and help the person discover what works for them.

soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which lead them to extreme resolutions. In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to.

From what you have said you have left before, so your relationship is not clear cut or what is actually playing out.
We have a friend who is bipolar, who goes through these cycles as well, so from this end it is almost impossible to give you help other than seeking out one to one contact with professional groups.

Quote "soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which lead them to extreme resolutions. In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to."

Peterjens you dont know everyone on this thread nor their experiences. Your opinion doesn't pertain to my life so my advice is as valid as yours.

The OP has made it clear that this man has controlling,abusive behavior.He wont allow her to go out on her own.He separates her from her own son. He's spending money that isnt his, they're not married yet. He has a violet temper and
accuses her of cheating,and with her own boss too! The best advice is for her to get while the gettins good.

Signs of an Abuser;

1. Jealousy
2.Controlling Behavior
3.Isolation
4.Blames others for problems/feelings
5.Hypersensitivity
6.Verbal Abuse
7.Dual personality "Jekyll and Hyde"
8.Treats of Violence
9.Manipulation

So far all of them pertain to her situation.He threatened to kill himself so that is part of violence.The best advice has been given by both men and women in this thread,which is to get out ASAP. Please dont put nonsense in her head when she is feeling weak.

 

[kaylagrl]

I too have been concerned. Soconfused came to my mind as soon as I awoke today. I am hoping she is "bolting" and making today the first day of a better life.
We are behind you soconfused!!!
May the Lord be guiding your footsteps and give you his wisdom. Amen

Yes I feel exactly the same way!

 

[blondieindahouse]

Blondie - the safest thing is just dump ones relationships and live on an island. The best any of us can do is help present alternatives, and help the person discover what works for them.

The alternative to living in sin with an abuser is A) get away from the abuser and B) stop living in sin. God is not in this relationship. The safest place for this woman is far away from the abuser!! That is obvious to anyone who is thinking clearly!

Your reasoning is extremely alarming and your sarcasm is distasteful.

soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which lead them to extreme resolutions.

This is the grandest example of conjecture that I have seen in a while. Advising a manipulated,controlled,abused woman to leave is extreme? Cautioning her of marrying an abuser and giving her Gods words on fornicating and shacking up is extreme?
Something with you is amiss.

In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to.

The entire thread has been about just that! Where have you been?You are weighing in as if you havent read a thing she has written.

From what you have said you have left before, so your relationship is not clear cut or what is actually playing out.

What? Im sorry but Im trying to figure out why you seem doped up or drunk. You seem dazed and confused.

We have a friend who is bipolar, who goes through these cycles as well, so from this end it is almost impossible to give you help other than seeking out one to one contact with professional groups.

Are you sure its your friend?
Now you have diagnosed her as mentally ill from your easy chair?

 

[blondieindahouse]

Quote "soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which lead them to extreme resolutions. In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to."

Peterjens you dont know everyone on this thread nor their experiences. Your opinion doesn't pertain to my life so my advice is as valid as yours.

The OP has made it clear that this man has controlling,abusive behavior.He wont allow her to go out on her own.He separates her from her own son. He's spending money that isnt his, they're not married yet. He has a violet temper and
accuses her of cheating,and with her own boss too! The best advice is for her to get while the gettins good.

Signs of an Abuser;

1. Jealousy
2.Controlling Behavior
3.Isolation
4.Blames others for problems/feelings
5.Hypersensitivity
6.Verbal Abuse
7.Dual personality "Jekyll and Hyde"
8.Treats of Violence
9.Manipulation

So far all of them pertain to her situation.He threatened to kill himself so that is part of violence.The best advice has been given by both men and women in this thread,which is to get out ASAP. Please dont put nonsense in her head when she is feeling weak.

Well stated. It is very clear to all but one.
I sense prideful, condescending,controlling, manipulative behavior coming from him! He seems to sympathize with the abuser. I could be wrong here but something is off. He has even gone as far as to suggest mental illness on her part!!
It seems like he is sympathizing with the abuser and blaming the victim . Am I wrong? This is just too bizarre.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Blondie - the safest thing is just dump ones relationships and live on an island. The best any of us can do is help present alternatives, and help the person discover what works for them.

soconfused - people here have had terrible experiences, so they speak from damaged lives with massive trauma, which leads them to extreme solutions. In the end you have to own where you are and where you need to get to.

From what you have said you have left before, so your relationship is not clear cut or what is actually playing out.
We have a friend who is bipolar, who goes through these cycles as well, so from this end it is almost impossible to give you help other than seeking out one to one contact with professional groups.

Um, excuse you??! I'm sorry, Peter, but your second paragraph here is purely ignorant. The people here speak from their own eperiences of being abused. Thusly, we have FIRST HAND KNOWLEGE.. You, however, do not. You've never been choked by a gf, you've never had a restraining order violated a dozen times, you've never had your gf cut your screen off the window to gain access to your home.. I HAVE. Those of us who managed to survive the abuse, do NOT have "damaged lives", as you indelicately put it. We have stronger, smarter lives, and we can offer firsthand knowlege of what this OP needs to do to get away from her controlling, jealous, manipulative boyfriend. On the subject of domestic abuse, Peter, YOU are totally unqualified to make statements like you did here, so please don't make any more uninformed, ridiculous statements. Maybe YOU don't care if the OP gets away safely, BUT WE DO!!!

 

[Dan58]

I currently have a great job now too ...making 165k. But he likes to point out that I make half of what he does. And here's the issue. We live paycheck to paycheck.

Just curious, what type of work do you do that pays $165k? And what does he do to make twice that? I'm obviously in the wrong profession . Money or bills shouldn't be an issue for either of you?

Bottom line is that he sounds extremely controlling, and its so overwhelming that I doubt you could ever be happy or satisfied living with that, its almost an OCD with him. I'd leave a note explaining all this to him, but unless some drastic changes occur, going forward with this relationship would likely be disastrous. It sounds like your just afraid to be alone and are hesitating on pulling the plug. jmo

 

[soconfused2]

I left this morning. However, I have failed to cut off all communication with him. We are still emailing. He is begging me back. But he's livid that I took money out of our account. I took what I believe to be owed (what I'll need to pay in taxes) and not nearly as much as I believe I should receive. He has threatened to sue me. He went and told my good friend (our neighbor) immediately that I left and how much money I took and that he thinks I may be cheating with my ex. She knew I was leaving and helped me ... But he has no clue that she knew. She called me immediately and told me. I could not believe he told her that despite the fact that he was still begging me back.

He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

But my bet is he is on his way to my location now.

 

[PeterJens]

Maybe YOU don't care if the OP gets away safely, BUT WE DO!!!

Do you really believe with a few words you can jump right in, tell me off, try and say this is the only solution to this problem.
Any number of experiences does not make you more or less qualified. You are probably in a worse position, because like most victims you see it being repeated everywhere, every time. What does help victims is just sharing indicators and tips of how to avoid difficult situations. The sad fact is the future is unknown, and often handling emotions leads to a better outcome.

The reason why I am not in a victimised situation is because I would have backed out much earlier. You say I am making rediculous statements. It is clear your relationships have been off the park very early on, no resolution or discussion, or parting of the ways on good terms, just the nuclear option and run. This speaks more about your relationship handling and failure than great wisdom. Do you know how to handle a healthy relationship, then I might take note.

Every bad situation is always a learning experience of how you got sucked in too quick, and compromised.

 

[PeterJens]

I left this morning.

Well done. You have to tell him the only way back is after a break, and you both agree it is something you want to do.

You can only decide that once trust and respect is established. If it cannot be, it will just be this continual to and fro, which is no basis for a long term relationship.

 

[PeterJens]

I
He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

I have been married 25 years. One of the basic things I live by is what my partner does is ok. I have 100% trust in them.
If they choose to walk away, then amen, because love wants the best for both people. From the depths of my heart, love does not work if people are forced into it, because of jealousy, or dependency, but understanding and respect.

It really takes time, and some people find the trust involved is too much, because they have a history of being betrayed in the past. But this often does lead to abuse, and great unhappiness.

I hope you find resolution and things become clear between the two of you.

 

[Utah]

I left this morning. However, I have failed to cut off all communication with him. We are still emailing. He is begging me back. But he's livid that I took money out of our account. I took what I believe to be owed (what I'll need to pay in taxes) and not nearly as much as I believe I should receive. He has threatened to sue me. He went and told my good friend (our neighbor) immediately that I left and how much money I took and that he thinks I may be cheating with my ex. She knew I was leaving and helped me ... But he has no clue that she knew. She called me immediately and told me. I could not believe he told her that despite the fact that he was still begging me back.

He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

But my bet is he is on his way to my location now.

I'm proud of you! Stand firm and know that God is with you, our prayers are with you, and you are going to come out better and stronger than ever. Don't let him sweet talk his way back in, you know what the outcome will be if you do -- more deception and angst.

 

[Pilkington]

soconfused2 please, please, please, get yourself somewhere safe, somewhere he can't find you. Make sure you cut contact with him. Make sure you are safe. This will only end up one way and that is badly.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I left this morning. However, I have failed to cut off all communication with him. We are still emailing. He is begging me back. But he's livid that I took money out of our account. I took what I believe to be owed (what I'll need to pay in taxes) and not nearly as much as I believe I should receive. He has threatened to sue me. He went and told my good friend (our neighbor) immediately that I left and how much money I took and that he thinks I may be cheating with my ex. She knew I was leaving and helped me ... But he has no clue that she knew. She called me immediately and told me. I could not believe he told her that despite the fact that he was still begging me back.

He's asked me what I want. I told him I want love and trust. And I don't think we should be together if he can't give me that. He says he can't trust me when I go behind his back and take out cash ...

But my bet is he is on his way to my location now.

You are putting yourself and your kid in danger by having contact with him. Block him on your computer and phone. DO NOT CONTACT HIM!! If you told him where you are, then it's a safe bet he IS on his way to bully you to come back.

 

[ray_james]

Listen to everyone on here telling you to do not contact him. By staying in contact with him you are not only putting yourself in danger, but also your child. Please do not under any circumstances email, text, call, Facebook, or whatever other messaging system that is out there.
So proud of you for leaving, don't ruin it now by staying in contact and leading him right to you.