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A
They may be afraid of the therapist.
No clue about the conversation but throw in talks of child abuse, taking kids away and your parents might have just given up on your youngest brother.
Sometimes parents need therapy or at least support from other good Christian parents too....if they aren't Christian, that makes it even harder.
No clue about the conversation but throw in talks of child abuse, taking kids away and your parents might have just given up on your youngest brother.
Sometimes parents need therapy or at least support from other good Christian parents too....if they aren't Christian, that makes it even harder.
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Natania, i want to thank you for bringing this up because it made me realize i owed my kids an apology. 
though my son wasn't as angry as your brother, he had anger issues. there were times i didn't address them out of exhaustion and a desire to not inflame his anger, thus having to deal with it. (vicious circle? )
hhhhhhh..... my failures as a parent could fill the Library of Congress....
he's 28 now, and outgrew it to some extent. he learned to control it, too (thank You, God).
at 10, the human brain is still forming, and some lack of self control is expected. some!
i sorrow with you in this, particularly the feeling your parents don't love you as they love him.
i can't say for sure this is true or untrue, but i can say the Lord loves you. we love you.
praying for the hurt. don't let this become a stumbling block for you, dear heart.
you are greatly loved! and thank you!
though my son wasn't as angry as your brother, he had anger issues. there were times i didn't address them out of exhaustion and a desire to not inflame his anger, thus having to deal with it. (vicious circle?
)hhhhhhh..... my failures as a parent could fill the Library of Congress....
he's 28 now, and outgrew it to some extent. he learned to control it, too (thank You, God).
at 10, the human brain is still forming, and some lack of self control is expected. some!
i sorrow with you in this, particularly the feeling your parents don't love you as they love him.
i can't say for sure this is true or untrue, but i can say the Lord loves you. we love you.
praying for the hurt. don't let this become a stumbling block for you, dear heart.
you are greatly loved! and thank you!
D
Wow! The same age my brother was when he started telling me he hated me. (And, yes, Mom died, so I was his mother figure too.) That was definitely my ice-bucket challenge more than once. Every time he said that, it was like a bucket of ice was poured on me. (Really hard when I didn't do anything to deserve that. Expected, when I did.)
That was followed by his "whatever you like, I have to hate" stage.
And then there was the "see? I like it just like you do" stage.
And finally I think we hit level playing field when he realized we don't have to like or hate something just because the other one does. Ahhh, adulthood! Wait until you find out how much easier siblings are to take then. Sadly, you're just finding the hardest stage. They're hitting puberty too. If you think it's hard enough just to go through it yourself, wait until all the kids are in that stage. You're going to get exhausted, because by the time they all hit that stage, you'll be into "whew, glad that's over" stage. They've got the hyper-gene on full tilt, and you won't.
That was followed by his "whatever you like, I have to hate" stage.
And then there was the "see? I like it just like you do" stage.
And finally I think we hit level playing field when he realized we don't have to like or hate something just because the other one does. Ahhh, adulthood! Wait until you find out how much easier siblings are to take then. Sadly, you're just finding the hardest stage. They're hitting puberty too. If you think it's hard enough just to go through it yourself, wait until all the kids are in that stage. You're going to get exhausted, because by the time they all hit that stage, you'll be into "whew, glad that's over" stage. They've got the hyper-gene on full tilt, and you won't.
D
Your stepparents are your father's ex and her current husband, right?
You aren't growing up with a normal childhood. And the people raising you aren't normal parents. I don't really know why your father is where he is, (not my place to get into the details here, but you know what I mean), but I'm assuming some of what he did was during the time his ex was living with him, right?
People live with their own kind. Both my parents came from families where education was highly valued, and family was the cause for all decisions made. (As in can't move across country because my family might need me. Can't go to far away on vacation because my family might need me. Won't take the promotion because that means moving and...)
And hubby's family married their own kind too. They both valued having enough money to enjoy their passions and their status above minor little things like worrying about if the kids had clothes or toys. Neither thought education meant much, so they didn't care if the kids went to school or did well, until the report cards showed up, at which time they were all punished for getting bad grades -- no matter what the grades were.
In like kind, I suspect your dad's ex married a bad boy, because that's what she was raised to believe was a good choice.
Add to that, what you've gone through truly strained the finances, so they were ultimately stressed in the two biggest stressors adults can have -- very sick child and finances. It doesn't get worse than that for any adult. And you know my story, and I'm saying it doesn't get worse than that. THAT tough.
Meanwhile other kids came along. And through all that they had to survive, take care of you, try and raise the kids, bring in enough money to take care of everyone, and honestly? It cannot be done smoothly. Something fell apart in all that. Often, considering we're talking you're living with your stepmother and stepfather. (Most kids get one or the other, not both.)
In that falling apart, all you kids were different ages. I see no way around what the adults in your family went through other then drop the ball on the kids least needing to take care of the one who needed the most -- you. It's what most parents would do. And the reaction to that differs from child to child. You probably ended up with more attention than your younger siblings just because your needs were that great that you truly, honestly needed the attention. (And I'm sure you were still scared out of your mind. This was a series of problems that might be fixable -- and thankfully were -- but no one counted the guaranteed fix, so you were all stuck together for better or worse.) Still, I bet you have resentments because they dropped the ball more than once. They didn't see something. A sibling was sick when you had something huge going on. Or even whatever happened with your dad.
Meanwhile, the 12-year-old brother is watching his parents go away to see you. The 10-year-old is watching the 12-year-old freak out and no parents to save the situation. And the younger ones see more and more of this. Worse yet. None of you were as old as you are now when all this hit the fan, so you really couldn't express any of this in definitive ways.
Now your parents have to figure out how to put this family back together again. It's tougher on them than anyone will get, because they did see what was going on most of the time, but didn't have enough to handle it all.
Add to that, in any given family, the oldest does get picked on as the one who will continue rising up to meet the American Dream. (You, my oldest brother, and every oldest child I know are the ones to show the rest of the family how to get better. That family legacy stuff really stinks like a sweaty armpit for the oldest child.) The oldest also gets the brunt of punishments specifically because they're the only kid who doesn't get to watch an older sibling push the parents to learn how far to push them to get our own way. (Hey, I learned not to cross the street without Mom there because I saw what happened to oldest brother when he did. And oldest brother resented me, because I'm Number Three, and we all pushed enough at the same time so I got to cross the street by myself the same day oldest brother did. Every time we got less rules, it started with me and the thought that, "well, if we're letting her, might as well let them too." Of course older brothers resented this. lol)
So, I get you're in the toughest spot, but you have to keep remembering, your stepparents have never been to the point of being pretty sure all the kids are healthy enough to start making plans again. And, no matter how many siblings there are, they really have had little training on how to raise kids in this situation.
Keep remembering something. No matter what, they do love you. I've met plenty of kids who were turned away because they weren't biological kids. I've met kids in the foster system, who know they have siblings, but haven't seen them in years. And I've met kids that were given up because the medical care needed was more than the family could support. As messed up as your stepparents might be, they are still keeping you kids together.
Your situation is messed up in more ways than people can comprehend. BUT you have two adults willing to try so hard that they are getting counseling for their kids because they know why it went this south. AND they're listening to the advice given. They may never get it right. I don't know what right looks like for your family. BUT they truly, truly love you all.
That beats most families I came to know through my time as a drug rehab patient and counselor, a runaway/throwaway shelter counselor, and a group home parent.
You are loved!
You aren't growing up with a normal childhood. And the people raising you aren't normal parents. I don't really know why your father is where he is, (not my place to get into the details here, but you know what I mean), but I'm assuming some of what he did was during the time his ex was living with him, right?
People live with their own kind. Both my parents came from families where education was highly valued, and family was the cause for all decisions made. (As in can't move across country because my family might need me. Can't go to far away on vacation because my family might need me. Won't take the promotion because that means moving and...)
And hubby's family married their own kind too. They both valued having enough money to enjoy their passions and their status above minor little things like worrying about if the kids had clothes or toys. Neither thought education meant much, so they didn't care if the kids went to school or did well, until the report cards showed up, at which time they were all punished for getting bad grades -- no matter what the grades were.
In like kind, I suspect your dad's ex married a bad boy, because that's what she was raised to believe was a good choice.
Add to that, what you've gone through truly strained the finances, so they were ultimately stressed in the two biggest stressors adults can have -- very sick child and finances. It doesn't get worse than that for any adult. And you know my story, and I'm saying it doesn't get worse than that. THAT tough.
Meanwhile other kids came along. And through all that they had to survive, take care of you, try and raise the kids, bring in enough money to take care of everyone, and honestly? It cannot be done smoothly. Something fell apart in all that. Often, considering we're talking you're living with your stepmother and stepfather. (Most kids get one or the other, not both.)
In that falling apart, all you kids were different ages. I see no way around what the adults in your family went through other then drop the ball on the kids least needing to take care of the one who needed the most -- you. It's what most parents would do. And the reaction to that differs from child to child. You probably ended up with more attention than your younger siblings just because your needs were that great that you truly, honestly needed the attention. (And I'm sure you were still scared out of your mind. This was a series of problems that might be fixable -- and thankfully were -- but no one counted the guaranteed fix, so you were all stuck together for better or worse.) Still, I bet you have resentments because they dropped the ball more than once. They didn't see something. A sibling was sick when you had something huge going on. Or even whatever happened with your dad.
Meanwhile, the 12-year-old brother is watching his parents go away to see you. The 10-year-old is watching the 12-year-old freak out and no parents to save the situation. And the younger ones see more and more of this. Worse yet. None of you were as old as you are now when all this hit the fan, so you really couldn't express any of this in definitive ways.
Now your parents have to figure out how to put this family back together again. It's tougher on them than anyone will get, because they did see what was going on most of the time, but didn't have enough to handle it all.
Add to that, in any given family, the oldest does get picked on as the one who will continue rising up to meet the American Dream. (You, my oldest brother, and every oldest child I know are the ones to show the rest of the family how to get better. That family legacy stuff really stinks like a sweaty armpit for the oldest child.) The oldest also gets the brunt of punishments specifically because they're the only kid who doesn't get to watch an older sibling push the parents to learn how far to push them to get our own way. (Hey, I learned not to cross the street without Mom there because I saw what happened to oldest brother when he did. And oldest brother resented me, because I'm Number Three, and we all pushed enough at the same time so I got to cross the street by myself the same day oldest brother did. Every time we got less rules, it started with me and the thought that, "well, if we're letting her, might as well let them too." Of course older brothers resented this. lol)
So, I get you're in the toughest spot, but you have to keep remembering, your stepparents have never been to the point of being pretty sure all the kids are healthy enough to start making plans again. And, no matter how many siblings there are, they really have had little training on how to raise kids in this situation.
Keep remembering something. No matter what, they do love you. I've met plenty of kids who were turned away because they weren't biological kids. I've met kids in the foster system, who know they have siblings, but haven't seen them in years. And I've met kids that were given up because the medical care needed was more than the family could support. As messed up as your stepparents might be, they are still keeping you kids together.
Your situation is messed up in more ways than people can comprehend. BUT you have two adults willing to try so hard that they are getting counseling for their kids because they know why it went this south. AND they're listening to the advice given. They may never get it right. I don't know what right looks like for your family. BUT they truly, truly love you all.
That beats most families I came to know through my time as a drug rehab patient and counselor, a runaway/throwaway shelter counselor, and a group home parent.
You are loved!
D
He's a 10-year-old boy living at home. It's a home with many, many problems going on all at once, and yet the two adults are still trying their hardest to help each kid. Don't say "if they truly loved him... they would..." Especially if you don't know know the two adults or what's going on. The children are all under one roof. The parents are giving the best they can in very trying circumstances. He is truly loved.
Truthfully? If I were one of these two adults, I'd be locked up in a padded room. The stress they're under is far beyond my capabilities.
What would you do if your child was acting up that they haven't tried to do? And, am I really in the best position if I told you what you should really do to fix the problem? Should I tell one of your kids what you should do? Because you really are telling someone's child what her parents should do, even after she told us how much they have already done.
Truthfully? If I were one of these two adults, I'd be locked up in a padded room. The stress they're under is far beyond my capabilities.
What would you do if your child was acting up that they haven't tried to do? And, am I really in the best position if I told you what you should really do to fix the problem? Should I tell one of your kids what you should do? Because you really are telling someone's child what her parents should do, even after she told us how much they have already done.
T
Natania, i want to thank you for bringing this up because it made me realize i owed my kids an apology.
though my son wasn't as angry as your brother, he had anger issues. there were times i didn't address them out of exhaustion and a desire to not inflame his anger, thus having to deal with it. (vicious circle? )
hhhhhhh..... my failures as a parent could fill the Library of Congress....
he's 28 now, and outgrew it to some extent. he learned to control it, too (thank You, God).
at 10, the human brain is still forming, and some lack of self control is expected. some!
i sorrow with you in this, particularly the feeling your parents don't love you as they love him.
i can't say for sure this is true or untrue, but i can say the Lord loves you. we love you.
praying for the hurt. don't let this become a stumbling block for you, dear heart.
you are greatly loved! and thank you!
though my son wasn't as angry as your brother, he had anger issues. there were times i didn't address them out of exhaustion and a desire to not inflame his anger, thus having to deal with it. (vicious circle?
)hhhhhhh..... my failures as a parent could fill the Library of Congress....
he's 28 now, and outgrew it to some extent. he learned to control it, too (thank You, God).
at 10, the human brain is still forming, and some lack of self control is expected. some!
i sorrow with you in this, particularly the feeling your parents don't love you as they love him.
i can't say for sure this is true or untrue, but i can say the Lord loves you. we love you.
praying for the hurt. don't let this become a stumbling block for you, dear heart.
you are greatly loved! and thank you!
It's amazing how much people can relate with the most random things
Thank you, and you are very welcome
Gently let him understand that despite what you both live with, as it goes between the two of you, (no one else), you expect more of him.
This is a delicate tightrope to walk sometimes, and it consists mainly of calm looks and subtle hints. But, with time, he will become more concerned with not disappointing you than with satisfying his own anger.
This is a delicate tightrope to walk sometimes, and it consists mainly of calm looks and subtle hints. But, with time, he will become more concerned with not disappointing you than with satisfying his own anger.
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T
Don't feel like it,
But it makes you think hearing it from an outside perspective....
I know they brought me in, but I feel like I've just messed up the relationship I used to have with my step mother. My step father doesn't know me, and probably never will. He is kinda just there.
I messed it up by costing so much money, I messed it up by not following her rules, and not being able to stay strong through everything and resorting to awful coping ways ect.
I feel like I've just messed it all up.
She used to be my only mother figure and the person I loved most in the world. My father had to hold me back when they broke up and she left so I didn't chase after her.
I have so many pictures of me and her when I was little and we were both so happy and she loved me so much, and I loved her so much. But I grew up and I felt like I wasn't her little girl anymore, I made too many mistakes, and our relationship was never the same. I've said some things I should not have to her and she has done and said some things she shouldn't to me.
So I don't feel like I am loved
But thank you
T
Wow! The same age my brother was when he started telling me he hated me. (And, yes, Mom died, so I was his mother figure too.) That was definitely my ice-bucket challenge more than once. Every time he said that, it was like a bucket of ice was poured on me. (Really hard when I didn't do anything to deserve that. Expected, when I did.)
That was followed by his "whatever you like, I have to hate" stage.
And then there was the "see? I like it just like you do" stage.
And finally I think we hit level playing field when he realized we don't have to like or hate something just because the other one does. Ahhh, adulthood! Wait until you find out how much easier siblings are to take then. Sadly, you're just finding the hardest stage. They're hitting puberty too. If you think it's hard enough just to go through it yourself, wait until all the kids are in that stage. You're going to get exhausted, because by the time they all hit that stage, you'll be into "whew, glad that's over" stage. They've got the hyper-gene on full tilt, and you won't.
That was followed by his "whatever you like, I have to hate" stage.
And then there was the "see? I like it just like you do" stage.
And finally I think we hit level playing field when he realized we don't have to like or hate something just because the other one does. Ahhh, adulthood! Wait until you find out how much easier siblings are to take then. Sadly, you're just finding the hardest stage. They're hitting puberty too. If you think it's hard enough just to go through it yourself, wait until all the kids are in that stage. You're going to get exhausted, because by the time they all hit that stage, you'll be into "whew, glad that's over" stage. They've got the hyper-gene on full tilt, and you won't.
That stage wasn't bad lol
D
You can't mess it up. Lots of divorces in my family and the ones who get hurt the most are the kids. Mostly it is about taking sides, but not the way you think. You took a side and she stepped back for your sake. And we absolutely know kids will say so many harsh things to cut off a relationship because that person is leaving anyway. It's the only control the kid has. Weep at the door or push the person away. The weeping part was going to happen no matter what, so you at least took control on part of it. She knows this. It hurts, like your brother hurts you when he said he hated you. But someday she gets to respond, if you just give her a chance, and I know she will respond just like you responded to your brother.
My husband grew up hearing stories about who his biological father was from his mother. He believed them all until he found out his aunt and uncle lived in the same county as us. 40 years old before he picked up the phone and got the guts to call them. 40 years to find out the lies his mother told him. His father had already died, but he finally got to know who his real Dad was.
And his first marriage? For the kids' sake, he stayed away. He stayed away because their mother kept telling them what an awful man he was, so each weekend, when they had to go visit him, they were terrified. By Sunday they were crying because they didn't want to leave him. So for their sake, he let the mother lie, so at least they had consistency in their lives. It hurt. It still hurts and his daughter is in her late 40's now. That heart attack got them back together. He waited. He waited for them to be old enough to call him.
The woman you consider your mom is waiting for you too. She's waiting for you to turn 18 so you can call. You haven't messed it up. The adults messed it up. And they know that.
As for the money they all spent on you? Have you ever lost any money, and wish you could have it back? We have. We've lost it all because of disabilities and illnesses. We'd love to have it back. We still think about it and dream about having it back. It's in our thoughts often. BUT that money went for giving us food, shelter, heat and electricity when hubby was being treated. I do NOT count it against him. I am ever so thankful to God that it was there in our time of need. It took care of my baby when he needed it. (Okay, so my baby is my husband, so a bit older.) Without it, he would have had to get treatment while living in a mid-sized car. Don't ever consider that wanting the money back is the same as not being glad it was used for something as good as keeping you alive. Two completely different things.
And as for your stepdad? Do you know what the opposite of love is? I bet you think it's anger or hate, but it's not. It's apathy. It's not caring one way or another about a person. He gets angry with you, so he does love you. May not be an emotional guy, but if he didn't care he wouldn't get in your business.
Surely you've been on this site long enough to notice -- adults are generally messed up people. That's not something that turned on like a light when we got older. The only difference between us and you is we kind of get that if we're this messed up, chances are good just about everyone we know is also messed up. Messed up doesn't mean unable to love. It usually means we're lousy at it.
Which again, is why we need Jesus. He's got to be the only example of what not-messed-up looks like. And what the best kind of love looks like. I count on him showing me the way, because all the examples I've had when I was young or even as I got older were merely varying degrees of messed up.
I get your stepparents aren't the type to be put out as poster children for "great parenting skills," but I admire them for two things --
-- They're willing to try and raise that many kids, and all of them aren't biological. (And they're really trying hard if you consider what they've done for you, what they've done for your 12-year-old brother and what they are now doing for the 10-year old. That is some big time determination not to quit no matter what.)
-- They haven't gone completely over the deep end in one of the most stressful lives any human being could ever have. (They might be dipping their feet into the deep end, but they haven't plunged in.)
My husband grew up hearing stories about who his biological father was from his mother. He believed them all until he found out his aunt and uncle lived in the same county as us. 40 years old before he picked up the phone and got the guts to call them. 40 years to find out the lies his mother told him. His father had already died, but he finally got to know who his real Dad was.
And his first marriage? For the kids' sake, he stayed away. He stayed away because their mother kept telling them what an awful man he was, so each weekend, when they had to go visit him, they were terrified. By Sunday they were crying because they didn't want to leave him. So for their sake, he let the mother lie, so at least they had consistency in their lives. It hurt. It still hurts and his daughter is in her late 40's now. That heart attack got them back together. He waited. He waited for them to be old enough to call him.
The woman you consider your mom is waiting for you too. She's waiting for you to turn 18 so you can call. You haven't messed it up. The adults messed it up. And they know that.
As for the money they all spent on you? Have you ever lost any money, and wish you could have it back? We have. We've lost it all because of disabilities and illnesses. We'd love to have it back. We still think about it and dream about having it back. It's in our thoughts often. BUT that money went for giving us food, shelter, heat and electricity when hubby was being treated. I do NOT count it against him. I am ever so thankful to God that it was there in our time of need. It took care of my baby when he needed it. (Okay, so my baby is my husband, so a bit older.) Without it, he would have had to get treatment while living in a mid-sized car. Don't ever consider that wanting the money back is the same as not being glad it was used for something as good as keeping you alive. Two completely different things.
And as for your stepdad? Do you know what the opposite of love is? I bet you think it's anger or hate, but it's not. It's apathy. It's not caring one way or another about a person. He gets angry with you, so he does love you. May not be an emotional guy, but if he didn't care he wouldn't get in your business.
Surely you've been on this site long enough to notice -- adults are generally messed up people. That's not something that turned on like a light when we got older. The only difference between us and you is we kind of get that if we're this messed up, chances are good just about everyone we know is also messed up. Messed up doesn't mean unable to love. It usually means we're lousy at it.
Which again, is why we need Jesus. He's got to be the only example of what not-messed-up looks like. And what the best kind of love looks like. I count on him showing me the way, because all the examples I've had when I was young or even as I got older were merely varying degrees of messed up.
I get your stepparents aren't the type to be put out as poster children for "great parenting skills," but I admire them for two things --
-- They're willing to try and raise that many kids, and all of them aren't biological. (And they're really trying hard if you consider what they've done for you, what they've done for your 12-year-old brother and what they are now doing for the 10-year old. That is some big time determination not to quit no matter what.)
-- They haven't gone completely over the deep end in one of the most stressful lives any human being could ever have. (They might be dipping their feet into the deep end, but they haven't plunged in.)
D
He learns that by not losing you. What you and your siblings all have in common is shoe dropping. Every time and adult walks out that door, a shoe drops. You're all pretty used to shoes dropping, so you're all waiting for each other to leave too.
My husband expected me to leave him, because that's what his first wife did. 30 years before he finally caught on it's never going to happen. And yet, last year, (Year 35), he thought I was going to leave him again. It's the reflexes from past experience. I am sure he'll finally get I'm not going anywhere only after one of us dies, but he also gets we're a team too. We're a team is most of the time now, but his ears still prick up sometimes waiting for that other shoe to drop. I don't care. The only way I can prove I won't leave him is when I don't leave him.
In your case, four years from now, you will leave. Just make sure you live nearby so they know you didn't completely leave. (My brother forgave me for leaving only when it was time for him to leave to go to school. Then suddenly he got why I had to go. 40 years later, and we both know we're always there when we're needed. (By now he really wouldn't want me to live nearby. He's too busy enjoying his own family. lol)
Temporary Circumstances. Keep remembering this.
My husband expected me to leave him, because that's what his first wife did. 30 years before he finally caught on it's never going to happen. And yet, last year, (Year 35), he thought I was going to leave him again. It's the reflexes from past experience. I am sure he'll finally get I'm not going anywhere only after one of us dies, but he also gets we're a team too. We're a team is most of the time now, but his ears still prick up sometimes waiting for that other shoe to drop. I don't care. The only way I can prove I won't leave him is when I don't leave him.
In your case, four years from now, you will leave. Just make sure you live nearby so they know you didn't completely leave. (My brother forgave me for leaving only when it was time for him to leave to go to school. Then suddenly he got why I had to go. 40 years later, and we both know we're always there when we're needed. (By now he really wouldn't want me to live nearby. He's too busy enjoying his own family. lol)
Temporary Circumstances. Keep remembering this.
