My 10 year old brother has had problems with anger for a few years now. He claims that he does not know why he hurts people (kids at school and teachers) and he can't control himself.
This is hard for me because
1) He is my brother I've known him since he was born and we have always been partners through it all and it's a little sad seeing him turn into well.... an awful person sometimes because of his anger
2) (please don't judge me I need to be honest) sometimes it bothers me a lot because when he doesn't something wrong, like this week he ran away, punched a kid, and laid on the floor and threw a fit at school, he never gets in trouble but when I do something such as get a B I'm grounded for a month and everything of mine is taken away
Do any of you have advice for how I could possibly get the feeling of jealousy from him not being punished out, and how to handle someone who can't handle their anger in the house?
(Yes, he is in therapy)
Yes, there are things you can do to help your brother...
1-Have a heart to heart with him when he is calm. Give him something to fidget with as you talk (a slinky, a rubix cube, pizza, just something).
2- Inspect the root cause. Did something get bottled up inside him? Make sure you have eye contact with him when you ask, and let him see the love and concern in your eyes.
(
Never bottle things up for even a second. Smash the bottle, destroy the bottle, and confront problems immediately when they occur. Either change the situation, or accept that you can't change the situation. Either way it is put to rest so that you can move on. A reaction from a problem as big as a grain of sand will not be like the reaction from a mountain of a problem, but a mountain of bottled up sand will explode at a problem as big as one grain, and can be as severe as abuse or even murder. Never bottle things up- it just prolongs and intensifies your anger to an unhealthy extreme).
3- Come to a conclusion. Either he needs to forgive someone so that he can put it to rest, or he needs to admit that he is just easily angered.
4- Admitting the problem. You can go no further if he does not identify the problem. "Yes, I have a problem being easily angered, I don't know why."
5- Is it needed? There are times where controlled anger is needed- such as a husband whose wife is being harassed by another man. God gives us adrenaline to protect us when we or our loved ones are in a dangerous situation. Many things can spike our adrenaline, and we have to decide quickly if it is needed. Most of the time it's not, and you have to tell yourself "false alarm, calm down."
6- Want. If you recognize that your anger isn't needed, you have to genuinely want to change it.
7- Opposite. If you want an opposite result you have to do the opposite things. Changing your emotion from angry to calm and content does not happen as fast as flipping a light switch on and off the first time you try, but it is possible, and with practice it can happen more quickly. When you are angry you frown, you breathe faster, you wrinkle your eyebrows.
This is so important. Scientists proved that you make a facial expression before you feel the feeling. You can literally change the channel so-to-speak just by making a different facial expression. Relax your eyebrows and your mouth, and breathe in slow and deep through your nose.
It's sad, some people suffer from anger simply because that is the natural way their face is at rest and without provocation, and they don't understand why they are angry. Just like the opposite in dolphins- they always seem to be smiling, but that is just how their faces are. Those who have this problem need to stand in front of a mirror and practice facial expressions till they find one that makes them actually
feel happy.
8- Change the subject. Think of a memory of something that made you laugh or feel good. Some call this "Going to your happy place" It is actually a great idea. Have a go-to memory/daydream/movie scene for times when you need to focus on the positive.
Anger is a very difficult emotion to overcome. But once you are able to do it, it will happen faster and faster until it becomes instant.
This has worked for me, and my daughter as well. Everyone gets angry, but you dont have to stay angry.
