Can a Christian be Emotionally Unavailable?

[Subhumanoidal]

Being an introvert nor an empath would negatively impact emotional availability. In fact I'd suggest the opposite is true. Introverts and empaths tend toward the "Beta Male" side of things, which tend to be more emotionally in touch.

 

[Reborn]

Is it possible to have give your life to Christ, yet knowingly not be able to sustain emotional bonds in relationships?

It‘s easy to emotionally connect with God. 😀
It can be hard connecting emotionally with people sometimes. 🥺

So I’m going to say it’s possible? ( Lucky for us anything is possible with God. 🙏🏽 )
Can I assume this guy has emotional connections with his family and friends? 🤔

Sadly, he may be having a hard time connecting with her and using that excuse as a crutch. 😢

 

[Lanolin]

mmm not sure what the OPs friends motives are for connecting with someone who doesnt really want to connect. While oil on water relationships APPEAR to be together, they really arent.

If shes ok with that and still wants to be with this guy then thats her call, but shes not fooling anybody.

 

[Dino246]

Hello brothers and sisters,

A close friend of mine has been dating a guy who is emotionally unavailable for about a year. This man is aware that he is emotionally unavailable, but wants her to be patient with him. However, he is not doing anything to change better himself. He says he has given his life to Christ. Is it possible to have give your life to Christ, yet knowingly not be able to sustain emotional bonds in relationships?

Hello and Welcome to CC!
A work colleague was in this situation; she was married to someone who was emotionally unavailable. Despite her having been very careful in assessing him prior to marriage, she proceeded and they have a child together. Sadly, their marriage ended because he would not deal with his issues.

God can fix this, of course, but many Christians don't believe that and so don't seek His help. Also, this kind of thing can be sorted with the assistance of a competent counselor, but only if the person is willing and really wants to be healthy. Otherwise, it's wasted effort and the relationship is doomed. I'd recommend that, if your friend's man is not willing to seek help, she should terminate the relationship.

 

[PC123]

Hi again... I was thinking about this term emotionally unavailable and where it came from.

My first reaction was that this term has been invented by women to use against men...
I won't get into the possible ways it could be used but i can think of quite a few, directly or indirectly...

But i gave it some more thought and ive changed my mind... I reckon men invented this term to use against women...
"Im available but not emotionally available at this point in time"... My first reaction was that its not something a guy would say
But this 2020 not 2000. The dating scene is on another planet now and promiscuity is much higher...

I think the guy means he is available for sex but not a relationship.
Now if he said that to her then his chances of having sex go out the window.
But phrase it like above and the guy has a better chance of having a friend with benefits.
And he can really lead her on with it too, she think his gonna change for her when he has no intention of that...

Does anyone have a thought on that... Who invented this term "emotionally unavailable"? Men or Women?

 

[Demi777]

I never believed it was possible. I always thought people should just be able to snap out of it...until now for the first time i am going through it myself.
Its possible. But he needs people that can help him cope and process what is causing it so he can heal

 

[PC123]

I never believed it was possible. I always thought people should just be able to snap out of it...until now for the first time i am going through it myself.
Its possible. But he needs people that can help him cope and process what is causing it so he can heal

Ye if the guy, or a girl, a divorce/separation/break-up then for sure its hard to get back on that horse... I know

But u have to be careful that this guy isn't using the "emotionally unavailable" line to tame his libido...
Thats even worse cos you're been used... If a guy is telling u his "emotionally available" that means his not interested in a relationship with you. His not available for that. He is however available for some friendly sex...

That term wasn't around when i was dating. I would bypass it and be direct. Ask do u want to commit. Where do u see yourself in 5 years. Do want kids. Not all at once like an interrogation but u know what i mean. U mite start living together, before that i would be asking all this...

 

[Demi777]

Ye if the guy, or a girl, a divorce/separation/break-up then for sure its hard to get back on that horse... I know

But u have to be careful that this guy isn't using the "emotionally unavailable" line to tame his libido...
Thats even worse cos you're been used... If a guy is telling u his "emotionally available" that means his not interested in a relationship with you. His not available for that. He is however available for some friendly sex...

That term wasn't around when i was dating. I would bypass it and be direct. Ask do u want to commit. Where do u see yourself in 5 years. Do want kids. Not all at once like an interrogation but u know what i mean. U mite start living together, before that i would be asking all this...

I wasnt talking about a break up or so. I was just thinking about when you are so fed up or burn out you cant let people close to u.
I guess i misunderstood

 

[PC123]

I wasnt talking about a break up or so. I was just thinking about when you are so fed up or burn out you cant let people close to u.
I guess i misunderstood

I just think that term "emotionally unavailable" can be problematic because what is it exactly?
Its hard to define. I only just learned it the other day and have been since trying to understand what it means...
Youtube has different people with different takes on it... Its exact meaning is unclear
Is it what u said, is it what i said??? U know, what im saying...
I would just ask what do mean by emotionally unavailable if they use it on ya

 

[OllieYakob]

The short answer is "NO". Is this some kind of fad -- "emotionally unavailable"?

That's like another term from the past "checked out" -- "4. verb To become unfocused or distracted; to cease participating in a meaningful way."

Sounds like someone needs a swift kick in the posterior.

I wouldn't call it a fad. It's clinically termed "avoidant attachment style." I love your last statement

 

[laughingheart]

Years ago I learned that some people prefer power to intimacy. By withholding connection, praise, approval etc. they maintain control over the other person. I met a woman who was hiding her drinking. She confessed that in her 20 plus years of marriage, her husband had never once said she looked nice. She was a beautiful woman, slim and well put together. He would compliment others but never her. He would never tell her that the dinners she took hours to make, were good. She died inside and felt like a failure.
When a person refuses to build up and encourage and cheer on their partner, they know what they are doing. Think about that. They know the pain they are are causing and they do it anyways. Your friend should not be patient. He is training her to accept very little. He is training her to expect nothing while giving everything. That he acknowledges that he is emotionally unavailable and asks her to wait is so selfish. What about her needs? He is not showing any care for that. People like this know what they are doing and are not healthy partners. Tell her to run. When she does go he will probably promise to change all the things that hurt her. What she should take from that is that he was aware of what he was doing. He allowed her to hurt and is trying to keep her in that hurt. It is the opposite of a godly man.

 

[OllieYakob]

This is the first time I've really heard this expression in YEARS....

Almost forgot about it but actually that's kind of where I am myself. I suppose it depends on the pursuant's options. Is she the one pursuing him or is there some interest?

Working through stuff in a way that she can't see possibly?

Myself I would be willing to give compromises (not really the bad kind). Concessions would perhaps be a more descriptive word. If he isn't willing to concede anything, then I would seriously question her interest.

Perhaps bring up concessions to this person. It is not dissimilar from ultimatums with a bit more wiggle room. Obviously when being in agreement with each other the Lord has a say so...sometimes though, it's up to you. It could be a growing experience and it could indeed be she grows past him or he has some growing to do right around the corner...who knows?

I think it is reasonable to presume that some aren't as apt to express themselves and potentially this could be a difficult season for him and his expressing what's going on with him is lacking in some way. I am almost "too" expressive when it comes to talking and explanations so it's harder for me to understand someone who is not. It's also a quality I admire in a female, and while I have a lot of "funk" at present, I would still be open to "terms". It is strange that he is not.

Are you sure it's not something more than that? Apathy? Or perhaps the interest is not mutual and this is just an immature defense of saying "emotionally distant"?

There are terms in relationships and boundaries. This is like the "at will" stage with no contract or anything. Engagement is like a contract but non-binding. Marriage is binding. Were I in such a position as the pursuer and a woman was like this with me, I would be having a totally different spiral of thoughts but I would want to agree on some "ground rules" of some sort.

All that said, I have hardly any options for marriage that I see at present (actual acquaintances). Hopefully she doesn't try to force her own will on the situation. Me waiting a year for someone to be ready would be nothing compared to the entirety of my single life with no serious relationship leading to marriage. A timetable like that (i.e a year ultimatum) would not be too long to wait nor work toward.

If she has other options or is torn between men, then that is unfortunate for him. Hopefully the Lord's will prevails for anyone in a similar situation.

Great ideas! I will make sure she reads your answer. He seems interested, wants to be married and have a family. However, due to his avoidant attachment style, he is unable to get there. Neither she nor he knows about attachment style. But I've spoken to her at length about it and suggested therapy to help him explore his attachment history and gain a new perspective on himself, others and relationships in general.

 

[OllieYakob]

Curiosity got the best of me and i went out to try an understand the meaning of emotionally unavailable.
Find explanations of the signs of an emotionally unavailable person is everywhere but very few of them begin with a clear definition of it. I listened to girls and guys talk about it from all ages...

Hearing the young women talk about it makes me cringe for the young guys of this generation. Men are more feminine and women are more masculine and neither seems to know their place in a relationship these days. A guy went into a shopping mall once and asked women if they should submit to their husbands. About 80% of them said no, most with a degree of indignation. So it seems there is a misunderstanding on what submitting means and the willingness to control the relationship. Is a woman really attracted to an effeminate man? Is a man really attracted to a masculine woman? Dating has always been daunting and now with apps where most people swipe right (or is it left) 90% of the time at a glance, the game has changed...

But i have to assume that your friend is a decent Christian that isn't a control hungry narcissist and go with the definition given by a relationship therapist and a simple young man who spells out what it means when a guy claims to be emotionally unavailable... They both say that its a person who doesn't want to commit. So if he is saying that he is emotionally unavailable it means he doesn't want to commit and he wants her to be "patient with him"... Im afraid if your friend is sleeping with him then she is getting used...

We all have different levels of emotion and sometimes a person who wants passion and romance often could be with someone who doesn't want it so much or a person whose comfortable not seeing each other all day to someone who needs more communication. So it could be as simple as two people whose characters are too opposed.

So I think this therapist summed it up well, she said forget about him and examine yourself, u know he doesn't want to commit but u do, so why are you here? With your friend its been a year of this. Why not simply tell him what your after in the relationship and that you have to move on cos she wants a commitment.

It seems like it may be a red flag to exit but Im not a therapist and don't know enough about them to be giving advise, im just kind of thinking out loud about this emotionally unavailable term that is new to me. In the end its her choice and has a decision to make

Godspeed

Thank you for your reply dear. He is not stating that he doesn't want to commit. He's not asking her to sleep with him. He's not seeing anyone else. In fact, he wants to be married and have children. However, he has not made any concrete plans. He has an avoidant attachment style and has zero insight. Neither she nor him are aware of what it means to have an avoidant attachment style. I shared an article written by a social worker with her and she shared it with him. He admitted that the article described him, said he needed help, but is not seeking out the help as far as she knows. She doesn't want o pressure him either, but did tell him she couldn't marry if things were to remain the same. I do not believe it's a great idea for her to wait, as it may or may not ever happen.

 

[OllieYakob]

yes, I have been accused of being one of those. many reason why, being an introvert and empath is one of them.

I beg to differ. I'm an introvert, but very expressive when it comes to opening up and making emotional connections. I also know several introverts and empath who are able to open up to others emotionally. Read on avoidant attachment style. Perhaps this is what your accusers were referring to, but did not have the right words.

 

[OllieYakob]

It‘s easy to emotionally connect with God. 😀
It can be hard connecting emotionally with people sometimes. 🥺

So I’m going to say it’s possible? ( Lucky for us anything is possible with God. 🙏🏽 )
Can I assume this guy has emotional connections with his family and friends? 🤔

Sadly, he may be having a hard time connecting with her and using that excuse as a crutch. 😢

Hi Dear,

Yes, he does have a great connection with his friends and family, but puts a wall up when it comes to romantic relationships. He hasn't been in relationships that lasted more than eight to ten months, as all the girls get fed up and leave. He's not using it as a crutch, as he has no insight. I believe he's emotionally unavailable or in more clinical terms, has an avoidant attachment style. By God's grace, anything is truly possible and I pray for his supernatural healing.

 

[OllieYakob]

mmm not sure what the OPs friends motives are for connecting with someone who doesnt really want to connect. While oil on water relationships APPEAR to be together, they really arent.

If shes ok with that and still wants to be with this guy then thats her call, but shes not fooling anybody.

I believe she is still in it because he's a decent guy and she is somewhat desperate.

 

[OllieYakob]

Hello and Welcome to CC!
A work colleague was in this situation; she was married to someone who was emotionally unavailable. Despite her having been very careful in assessing him prior to marriage, she proceeded and they have a child together. Sadly, their marriage ended because he would not deal with his issues.

God can fix this, of course, but many Christians don't believe that and so don't seek His help. Also, this kind of thing can be sorted with the assistance of a competent counselor, but only if the person is willing and really wants to be healthy. Otherwise, it's wasted effort and the relationship is doomed. I'd recommend that, if your friend's man is not willing to seek help, she should terminate the relationship.

I totally agree with you and suggested therapy. I sent her an article and she shared it with him. He recognized himself in that article and acknowledged that he needs help. I told her to stay out it and let him seek the help on his own.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she has healed from her experience.

 

[OllieYakob]

I never believed it was possible. I always thought people should just be able to snap out of it...until now for the first time i am going through it myself.
Its possible. But he needs people that can help him cope and process what is causing it so he can heal

I'm sorry to hear about your situation? Have you sought the help of a therapist? If not, seek out a Christian therapist who specializes in attachment styles.

 

[OllieYakob]

I just think that term "emotionally unavailable" can be problematic because what is it exactly?
Its hard to define. I only just learned it the other day and have been since trying to understand what it means...
Youtube has different people with different takes on it... Its exact meaning is unclear
Is it what u said, is it what i said??? U know, what im saying...
I would just ask what do mean by emotionally unavailable if they use it on ya

Check out avoidant attachment style. It's the clinical term for it.

 

[Scribe]

I read through every post and I still do not understand what "emotionally unavailable" means.

Could you give an example of how your friend is saying that the guy is emotionally unavailable. Does this mean he does not like to talk about feelings and emotions? That he would rather talk about racing and lawn care?

Because personally that is one of the reasons I like living by myself. I don't have to talk about a bunch or neurotic women emotions that change everyday and how I have to understand how she is not really wanting advice but just wants me to listen to all her emotions.
SO glad that is over. Not eager to revisit that nonsense. Would that make me emotionally unavailable?