You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
- You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
- You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
- Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
- You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
- You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
- All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: cable modem...T1...T3.
- And even your night dreams are in HTML.
- You find yourself typing "com"after every period when using a word processor.com
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new mail arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
- You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet.
- You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
- You believe nothing looks sexier than a nude illuminated only by a 19 LCD.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
- You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know what sex your three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- You name your children Mozilla and Dotcom.
- You laugh at people with 56K modems.
- Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
- You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
- You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
- You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
- Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
- Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
- You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- You forget what year it is.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer so the two of you can chat.
Think Before You Leap
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?
Epitaphs:
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Here lies an Atheist. All dressed up and no place to go.
- Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.
- Here lies young Ezikel Height, died from jumping Jim Smith’s claim; didn’t happen at the mining site, the claim he jumped, was Jim Smith’s dame.
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