Cheated and feeling unloved

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Jaiyessa

New member
Jul 31, 2019
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0
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#1
I am married for 16 years now with 2 kids. Just recently my husband admitted that he had an emotional affair with one of our friends and that because she cares and love him, the thing that he claims that I was showing for him on the early stage of our marriage and doesn't feel it anymore after several years together. After we talked he claims that he already ended the affair and that we have to fix our relationship for the sake of our kids. But my dear friends, though he is with us, I feel that he is a different person now. I can't feel an effort from him to really rekindle our love instead he keeps in mind that what I am doing for him, showing care and love is just for a show. I honestly love my husband and want to rebuild our family, but I'm on the verge of giving up. Please help me
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,987
320
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#2
Your husband had an affair and now questions whether your love for him is sincere or just for show? That's rich... Sounds like emotional blackmail. He's deflecting his own insecurities onto you, he's the cheat who needs to work on his relationship, not you. Be sure to tell him that fixing his relationship with you will come to an abrupt end the next time his wandering eye turns to another woman for attention... jmo
 
Sep 3, 2016
6,335
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#3
I am married for 16 years now with 2 kids. Just recently my husband admitted that he had an emotional affair with one of our friends and that because she cares and love him, the thing that he claims that I was showing for him on the early stage of our marriage and doesn't feel it anymore after several years together. After we talked he claims that he already ended the affair and that we have to fix our relationship for the sake of our kids. But my dear friends, though he is with us, I feel that he is a different person now. I can't feel an effort from him to really rekindle our love instead he keeps in mind that what I am doing for him, showing care and love is just for a show. I honestly love my husband and want to rebuild our family, but I'm on the verge of giving up. Please help me
Place and maintain your Faith exclusively in Christ and the Finished Work at Calvary Cross (Rom. 8:2). The Holy Spirit will then restore and prefect those things that concerns you (Psalm 138:8). Jesus Christ will remove the pain from your scare(s).

God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you (2 Thessalonians 1:6)
 

Leastamongmany

Well-known member
Jun 2, 2019
3,270
1,267
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Usa
#4
Marriage is hard! No one can really advice or direct you in how you feel but I know that nothing is impossible with God! You don't say whether you nor you husband are believers in the Saviour. I will pray........... Lord you see this home,you know the motives behind what we humans do and the effect it can have on ALL those in this family! I pray you would move in these two hearts,do Your work there. Forgiveness come by and through you,we are weak but You NEVER fail! Take this home to your bosom and give the forgiveness,the love,and the repair needed! In Jesus name! Amen.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
17,203
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#5
Praying for you, Jaiyessa.

It sounds to me that he has some repenting still to do.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,648
1,109
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#6
I would seek out a pastor and consider marriage counseling.

A 3rd party perspective is wise, though I can't connect to that personally. It's something I've gone through as a child and it's something I still don't get, my perspective is different...as it is with my parents divorcing.


I'm leery of giving out recommendations because there are large ministries that specialize in the sort of thing because I'm on the fence about but there are free resources, as well as hotlines if you hit a dead end at your local church.


As a child in such a situation. I disagree with doing things "for the kids". Strained relationships with parents has a filter down effect. It is poisonous and it is palpable. Go where the Lord leads...but NOT based off emotion. My only personal advice to my parents would have been to not be so hasty and to stand your ground, both in two entirely different situations.


Of course there are scriptures pertaining to the subject and I would encourage you to bring them to the forefront. I think you have Christian grounds for divorce...but some people work it out. I'm not there either way so I can't in any way speak to it.

Just figured I'd throw in a child's perspective. Can go deep into it if it would help you in any way.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
16,415
4,117
113
#7
I am married for 16 years now with 2 kids. Just recently my husband admitted that he had an emotional affair with one of our friends and that because she cares and love him, the thing that he claims that I was showing for him on the early stage of our marriage and doesn't feel it anymore after several years together. After we talked he claims that he already ended the affair and that we have to fix our relationship for the sake of our kids. But my dear friends, though he is with us, I feel that he is a different person now. I can't feel an effort from him to really rekindle our love instead he keeps in mind that what I am doing for him, showing care and love is just for a show. I honestly love my husband and want to rebuild our family, but I'm on the verge of giving up. Please help me

Your first step is to invite Christ into your life. Until you do that there is no answer.
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
2,617
1,194
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#8
What is an emotional affair? Is this talking to the person and sharing emotions with the intent of having an affair or does it also include having sexual relations with that person? Sorry, I've heard it used a lot lately and just not sure what it means.

Either way, it would still be very painful. Praying for you and your family.
 
L

LittleMermaid

Guest
#9
I'm so sorry, Sister. To me, it seems like he is placing all the blame on you. He cheated on you but it's your fault? Please! Tell him that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. If he wants to fix the marriage, he needs to communicate better and realize his actions hurt you. He says it's your fault for not loving him. Well it's his fault for having the affair. I don't understand why cheaters say things like that. He could have told you that he wanted more love or affection from you. Instead he chose to cheat? Something is not right here.

I'll be praying for you. Please be careful and don't let him gaslight you. Look into emotional abuse. I'm not saying he is doing that but it could very well be.
 

proverbs35

Senior Member
Nov 10, 2012
726
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#10
What is an emotional affair?
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt 5:28

An emotional affair is lusting - fantasizing about and/or with someone that you are not married to. There is no physical sex, but there is lust (adultery of the heart).
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
2,617
1,194
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#11
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt 5:28

An emotional affair is lusting - fantasizing about and/or with someone that you are not married to. There is no physical sex, but there is lust (adultery of the heart).
Thanks, you made that perfectly clear for me. I like how you used scripture to explain it, as well.
 
Aug 3, 2019
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#12
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Marriage is tough, honesty and communication is so important. I hope and pray that both of you are Christians and are involved in a good church. There are too many unknowns here to really give advice, but I do recommend some kind of counseling. Think about your marriage carefully, and how it works. My husband of 23 years told me one day he had become close friends with another woman and he wanted to get divorced so he could be with her. He claimed they had not been sexually involved, but I told him if he thought he loved her, and no longer loved me, it didn't matter if they had sex or not. I did not want a divorce, as a Christian I did not believe in divorce, I was concerned about what people would think, and I did not want to put my kids through it. But he moved forward with the divorce, and married her 8 days after our divorce was final. What happened to him...he lost his job because he was a pastor, they broke up 3 times then divorced within a year. As for me, it didn't take me long to realize the divorce was good for me, it opened my eyes how controlling, demanding, and mean, actually abusive he'd been to me throughout our marriage. He is now in his 3rd marriage and hasn't changed. My kids told me they were happy because they knew he had never treated me right and he wasn't much of a dad to them. So, is he good to you? Is he good to the children? Is the relationship worth salvaging? Can you both forgive? So very much to consider. I would hope and pray it could be worked out and you could all have a lovely future together, which would bring glory to God. Talk with him, talk with your Pastor, PRAY! God Bless!
 

Prognostic

Junior Member
Jan 5, 2018
102
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#13
If you're with someone you should never talk to another person in that way. It's a horrible horrible feeling when you find out that's been happening behind your back. I would never do this to someone although I have sort of done it and it makes me feel like a right shmuck because I know what it's like to have it done to me. I believe you should end things with someone long before you starting having affairs or relations of any kind with someone else. Call me old fashioned. I guess this is what God created marriage for in the first place.
 
Aug 29, 2019
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Santa Clara County
#14
I know how u feel .its happen to me . It seems it will never be the same. First pray ask God for the strength to make the right decision and make it ..please dont make the same mistake I made still stuck when I knew what to do
 
Jun 27, 2019
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#15
Thanks, you made that perfectly clear for me. I like how you used scripture to explain it, as well.
Is this the OP's definition, though? It is still not clear what exactly the husband did. Don't know how you can have an "affair" without it being physical -- otherwise we're probably all guilty at some point in time.
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
2,617
1,194
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#16
Is this the OP's definition, though? It is still not clear what exactly the husband did. Don't know how you can have an "affair" without it being physical -- otherwise we're probably all guilty at some point in time.
Yeah, you're right and it don't look like the OP is going to answer so I'm not really sure what her husband actually did. That was my main point in my question to her. I would like to get a better understanding of the situation.

This is not my thread, but I could probably take it over with all the things going on in my life right now. I don't really know what is considered an emotional affair and what is not? If it is just the emotional part of someone you are with going to another person and lusting after that person it is not the same as physical aspect but I see how it still hurts a relationship. It really puts a damper on trusting that person and knowing that they want or wanted to be with someone else other than you is very hurtful.

I don't know but maybe it would depend on the circumstances of it? It would be one thing if the husband had a coworker who he thought was attractive and had an impure thought once in a while, that he didn't dwell upon or try to take to the next step...but it would be different if he spent most of his time with her or moved in with her, and even if he says they didn't have sex...this would still be pretty devastating in my opinion.

So I don't know, maybe it depends on the circumstance as to whether it is an affair or not.