Confused and hurting

Percepi · Oct 6, 2014

I'm not sure if anyone asked, but why doesn't he like it when you go to church or read the Bible? I think this is the most important question to ask at the moment. Yelling and cussing at someone for believing something he feels is wrong is not the way for anyone to handle any problem. So if we can figure out why he doesn't like it when you're acting religiously, we can probably figure out a healthy way for him to be critical without being angry, insulting, or forceful.

I'm speculating that he's an atheist. If that's the case, even if he is an atheist, I'm not sure why he would get so completely bent out of shape when you go to church, pray, read the bible, etc. It's not that uncommon to find atheists who do become frustrated enough at religion that they take those frustrations out on believers in irrational ways.

Let me know his reasons for getting upset, I can probably help you sort this particular problem out.

I'm an atheist myself, and even I find his behavior unacceptable. Since I'm an atheist, I may be able to offer advice from a unique perspective (assuming he's also an atheist). If he's not an atheist, I'm not sure how much help I can be.

Michelleks · Oct 6, 2014

I think this man is very sensitive . My husband is also not Christian .and did not like me go church before. But now he changed a lot. I think you should show him more respect the way he perceives. let him feel the head of household. If you want to chriticize him, say at least five good words about him, maybe more, maybe less, you figure that out. If you do not like one thing about him, praise him if he does that not so often! Do not be judgemental. Tell him you do not feel loved if he does something. Ask him if he loves you. Love is the basis of a marriage . If he loves you, get married, be committed to each other. Let him see how your life improve, and he will honor our God too. Pray ! Man can not, he can! Do not argue with him. A family should be peaceful! Give the children a happy home.

Nikki8408 · Oct 6, 2014

He gets mad because if I'm at church or doing something like reading or praying, I'm not there to do whatever he wants(even if we are not doing anything) he gets bent over anything that takes attention away from him but especially church. He says church is stupid and doesn't like that the friends I'm making don't drink so even if church wasn't involved he wouldn't want to be around them. I don't push my faith on him in fact I try to not talk about it unless asked by our kids or to tell him I want to go to church. He is just against any religion in general. Other than that won't give a reason as to why he hates me going. Just throws a fit or makes some smart mouth comment to our son ( who is only 6 and loves church).

psychomom · Oct 6, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

Nikki, sometimes when unbelievers see Christians doing things like praying or reading God's Word,
they don't like it because, perhaps subconsciously, it convicts them of their own sin,
and need for righteousness.
we all, every human ever, crave right-ness. we know deep down we need it.

so we go about trying to establish our own right-ness apart from Christ.
and we know deep down it's never enough.

i am sorry you're going through this, but remember you are never alone. ♥
God is with you, and for you, in this trial.

i'll be praying for you and your family.
love,
ellie

Jamal · Oct 6, 2014

LRG said:

There always seems to be people pushing for breakups of the relationships of others. I always wonder how bitter and miserable their lives must be.

Ugly · Oct 6, 2014

Jamal said:

Or, maybe, people push this when they recognize a problem? I mean, after all, if a person is here seeking advice on problems in a relationship, it's because they know something isn't right. Usually a significant issue. Why do you have to project other people as bitter and miserable for trying to use wisdom and even common sense, to point people out of a bad situations?

to LRG. Just because a person doesn't use the word 'abuse' doesn't mean it's not there. I have known a quite a few women that came from verbally abusive relationships. I have read on abusive behavior in relationships, both of the victim and the abuser. I recognize the patterns, not because i presume to know, but because i have taken the time to learn. And one of the traits of victims is to not recognize the treatment they're receiving is abuse. Either lack of awareness or not wanting to admit to it. This man is showing traits of an abusive type.

Percepi · Oct 6, 2014

psychomom said:

Eh. I mostly disagree. Atheists generally don't believe in sin, at least not in the same sense Christians do. And when atheists view others praying or reading the Bible, I doubt many of us feel like our sense of morality and judgement are being threatened.

I can see some fence sitters and agnostic atheists in some sort of "transitional" phase to becoming theists feel the way you mentioned though.

Nikki8408 said:

Ah, this is quite a problem then. It's odd how it's a control issue and I have to wonder if he's afraid you'll change or leave him for some reason. Maybe you are changing. I don't know - it's all speculation obviously but it's something to think about. The fact you're trying to raise a kid with him makes things very difficult because leaving isn't necessarily the desired solution whereas being single, it would save you much time to look for someone who already has a good head on their shoulders.

Your husband is most definitely insecure. And for some reason going to church makes him feel very threatened (not because he knows he's somehow wrong or sinful though). As I said before, he might feel you'll change or leave him. He might just hate religion that much. Maybe he just doesn't like the people you hang out with (which, this one is obviously true but I have to wonder how much it contributes to everything). I think the biggest problem though is the fact that your husband is being very irrational on how to handle the situation. If he feels religion or Christianity is corrupt, he shouldn't just get mad at you but learn how to express why he feels that way in a civil manner. And even if it frustrates him that you might not see eye to eye on religion, he should at least respect you and you decision to pray and go to church.

It's also not healthy for him to belittle your religion or church in front of your son. I'm sure he views the church as a brainwashing facility and doesn't want your son dragged into it. But if he's badmouthing the church or religion in front of your son, he's essentially doing the same thing. My stance on this is that parents should be honest with their views when it comes to religion, but they should also encourage their children to seek their own answers.

I remember listening to a podcast in which an atheist father was being interviewed about his methods of handling religion with his son while married to a Christian woman. Whenever his son asked him if he believed in God, he would say, "No, I don't think there is a God. But your mother does believe in God, see what she thinks." Obviously children can be gullible and there are some things you don't want them to simply figure out on their own. But that's why we should focus on teaching our children how to think, to come to conclusions, to be good people, and not what to think.

Michelleks · Oct 6, 2014

When I had misunderstanding with my husband, he acted very abusive, and I also. If a relationship is in bad shape, it,s mutually abusive. But , with the help of God, it can turn around. A Christian might think a non Christian partner is not good enough. But we should let the other party see how we become batter, love the other party better. Many families go into a crazy cycle,and quarrel all the time. The most important thing is to build up an intimate relation ship, respect the man, by not arguing with him, praise him encourage him, do not let him feel you,re using the bible to make him look bad.

Deadtosin · Oct 6, 2014

Hi,

I hope you are having a wonderful day, you said you were going to seek through the scriptures so I am sending you where I would look first. 1 Corinthians 7. God bless

7 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

[SUP]2 [/SUP]Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[SUP]3 [/SUP]Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[SUP]5 [/SUP]Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
[SUP]6 [/SUP]But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
[SUP]7 [/SUP]For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
[SUP]8 [/SUP]I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
[SUP]9 [/SUP]But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
[SUP]10 [/SUP]And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
[SUP]11 [/SUP]But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
[SUP]12 [/SUP]But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
[SUP]13 [/SUP]And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
[SUP]14 [/SUP]For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
[SUP]15 [/SUP]But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
[SUP]16 [/SUP]For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

Ugly · Oct 6, 2014

Michelleks said:

First line is absolutely not true. Not 100% of the time. Just because a relationship is bad does not mean either person is being abusive. And if one person is being abusive this does not mean that, automatically, the other person is as well. True that there are times when both people can mistreat each other, but to make a blanket statement that this is always the case is simply not true at all.

Second line is true, unless you are with an abuser. Abusive people typically cannot be made happy by their spouses, no matter how hard the spouse may try.

Brainfreeze · Oct 6, 2014

I agree with ugly to a degree, but also your pastor, it just might not be his time yet, and him saying those things, is because your changing for the better, most of the time, when you make this commitment to God and it's not in your family already, the adversary doesn't mind using loved ones to detour you off course, things won't happen the way you want them to over night...prayer, time, dedication, perseverance, and trust in God, All things are possible through Christ Jesus, Nikki

Listen to your heart sister,
either way, God will make it work for you

Nikki8408 · Oct 7, 2014

Ok so here I am sleeping on the couch because of another fight. He has locked the bedroom door and is sulking. Of all things to set him off its a commercial for a Joel olsten channel on Sirius radio. According to him this christian stuff is going to far. He thinks all religions ought to shut up. When I made the comment that it's no different than how others feel about things like Howard stern or the playboy channel he flipped out. Of course that led to him telling me how stupid it is that I like church and how much it ticks him off that I go. Because by spending time at church I obviously don't love him anymore. (Please note I only go twice a week sun&wed) He says he didn't get with a church girl and that it's bull**** that I'm trying to be one now. Needless to say all his shouting woke our son who just came out to tell me he is sorry daddy was mad at me. So not only do I feel bad that my son feels that way and I tried to explain the best I could that it's not his fault, but frankly I'm frustrated and now unable to sleep on an uncomfortable couch.

LRG · Oct 7, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

Believe me he has no reason to be jealous of Joel Osteen.

He has no right to not let you in your own bed. I would tell him that if he has a problem then he can go sleep on the couch. You could always hang a clothesline in your bedroom dividing the bed in half with a blanket(saw this in an old movie once) but it is your bed too and since he has the problem he can go sleep on the couch.

As for Stern and smut? I wouldn't put up with that.

He obviously feels threatened and possibly resents you because you have changed in regards to faith. Things are not the same and he is having trouble handling it.

If he is not willing to adjust then he might end up abandoning you. I hope that is not the case but I don't see him in this state day after day and something not giving eventually.

Either he accepts you with your faith or he doesn't. That is up to him.

Brainfreeze · Oct 7, 2014

Pray, and if it start to feel unhealthy ... Do you have a place to go? Make him think about what he's saying and doing and what he will miss if you go, give him a big hug tell him how much you love him, what's wrong with wanting God and good in your life?
this takes time, it will not happen overnight sis

LRG · Oct 7, 2014

Jamal said:

I tend to agree. Every relationship is different. At one time you needed sufficient grounds for divorce but now you have the no fault divorce. Then there is the decrease in morality and the increase in people not valuing relationships which doesn't help. Also the increase in feminism doesn't help either because women really don't need men even though the reality is that both women and men are interdependent. But that is the way society is going.

It's all about me, me, me instead of we, we, we.

LRG · Oct 7, 2014

Brainfreeze said:

Better yet. Make him eat his own cooking(doesn't apply if he is a professional chef)

He'll learn in a hurry just how important you really are.

Nikki8408 · Oct 7, 2014

LRG said:

Lol sadly he is the better cook

only thing he needs me for is to watch kids and clean house.

Brainfreeze · Oct 7, 2014

He needs you more then you think, for sure

LRG · Oct 7, 2014

Ugly said:

Mr. Chicken:

Different people define abuse differently. Some people consider arguments to be abuse but that is not necessarily the case. There are different types of abuse and degrees of abuse. It is not that simple. Then you have to consider the person's temperament and what are they really arguing about anyways? Is it major things or just petty things? Do they resolve their arguments? Do they try to respect each other's feelings and wishes. Do they have power struggles or are they willing to give and take and compromise when necessary.

Abuse is a systematic attempt to demean and degrade and destroy a person over time. It is all about power and control and not love. Love is unselfish and wants to please the beloved. Abuse is selfish and is all about self at the expense of the other.

Considering all that, everyone also has different tolerance levels and only the op knows her limit. Boundaries are also important if the person is becoming too overbearing.

Relationships are complicated and just because couples don't always get along does not necessarily mean it is an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships usually follow a pattern and get progressively worse over time. I think her husband feels threatened by the change and resents her new found faith.

And you are right about the denial but that usually only applies if she is making excuses for the guy, diminishing what he is doing or blaming herself for his behavior. The denial mechanism is quite common with people married to addicts as well as abusers.

LRG · Oct 7, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

Okay. How about make him wash his own underwear or vacuum the carpet?

Does he hate country music? Do you have a built in stereo system? Maybe play those whiny love gone wrong songs over and over again until he surrenders. Either that or tickle his toes.

Confused and hurting

Banned

Michelleks

Guest

Nikki8408

Guest

psychomom

Guest

Banned

Ugly

Guest

Banned

Michelleks

Guest

Banned

Ugly

Guest

Banned

Nikki8408

Guest

Banned

Banned

Banned

Banned

Nikki8408

Guest

Banned

Banned

Banned