Daughter not respecting family values

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Quiettime

Junior Member
Oct 15, 2017
17
27
3
#1
Need advice. My 19 year old daughter feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend spend the night at our house when she is home from college. We told her absolutely not. She does not share our christian values and says we are living in the 1950's and are ridiculously old fashioned. I tell her we have standards and we will not allow her to violate them. What else can I tell her when She protests and argues with me on this issue? She is totally absorbed in the world and doesn't see a problem with it and keeps persisting. I will not compromise my values
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
2,194
1,238
113
#2
Im on your side. Guess that makes me a dinosaur. I would say to her
"time to get your own accomodation if you want free rein."
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
5,558
2,259
113
#3
Need advice. My 19 year old daughter feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend spend the night at our house when she is home from college. We told her absolutely not. She does not share our christian values and says we are living in the 1950's and are ridiculously old fashioned. I tell her we have standards and we will not allow her to violate them. What else can I tell her when She protests and argues with me on this issue? She is totally absorbed in the world and doesn't see a problem with it and keeps persisting. I will not compromise my values
Good for you.. Keep standing firm in Gods standards they are Eternal standards, Perfect standards. Righious standards..
 
T

tasha66

Guest
#4
I'm in agreement with everybody on here so far.
I assume she wants to sleep in the same bed with him? They probably want a safe, comfortable place to have sex I'd say.
It is YOUR house. If I had kids, I wouldn't want them bringing people home. Even if it is your daughter's bf, you don't know what he will do - is he trustworthy for a start? Do you know this person very well or not?
There is no way my Mum would have let us do this and she isn't religious in any way.
I just wonder why though your daughter asked you outright. Is it because she trusts you? If so, that is a good thing and something you have common ground with.
I could not have imagined in any way asking my Mum this - she would have been mortified.
Sometimes with kids (I know she's 19 but she's still a kid to me), you just have to put your foot down, and your daughter will just have to learn to deal with the disappointment.
What does your hubby say about it all?
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
655
647
93
#5
Here is the deal. She is protesting and arguing. Who is she arguing with? Your house. Your rules. She is not a voting member of the committee. She is not welcome to have unmarried sex in your home. She is also being rude when she mocks you by saying you are too old fashioned. You are not to tell her what to do but she can tell you how you ought to be? Uhm no.
There is no need to argue. This is where you cease to act like she has to approve your rules. I am saying this in a gentle tone. She can only argue if you are engaging with her. You do not need her approval to validate your decisions. You are doing good mom. Stand by your values and no apologies or self doubt. Hugs.
 

Quiettime

Junior Member
Oct 15, 2017
17
27
3
#6
Here is the deal. She is protesting and arguing. Who is she arguing with? Your house. Your rules. She is not a voting member of the committee. She is not welcome to have unmarried sex in your home. She is also being rude when she mocks you by saying you are too old fashioned. You are not to tell her what to do but she can tell you how you ought to be? Uhm no.
There is no need to argue. This is where you cease to act like she has to approve your rules. I am saying this in a gentle tone. She can only argue if you are engaging with her. You do not need her approval to validate your decisions. You are doing good mom. Stand by your values and no apologies or self doubt. Hugs.
Thank you. You are right. I don't need her to approve
 

Quiettime

Junior Member
Oct 15, 2017
17
27
3
#7
I'm in agreement with everybody on here so far.
I assume she wants to sleep in the same bed with him? They probably want a safe, comfortable place to have sex I'd say.
It is YOUR house. If I had kids, I wouldn't want them bringing people home. Even if it is your daughter's bf, you don't know what he will do - is he trustworthy for a start? Do you know this person very well or not?
There is no way my Mum would have let us do this and she isn't religious in any way.
I just wonder why though your daughter asked you outright. Is it because she trusts you? If so, that is a good thing and something you have common ground with.
I could not have imagined in any way asking my Mum this - she would have been mortified.
Sometimes with kids (I know she's 19 but she's still a kid to me), you just have to put your foot down, and your daughter will just have to learn to deal with the disappointment.
What does your hubby say about it all?
Thank you
 

Quiettime

Junior Member
Oct 15, 2017
17
27
3
#9
I'm in agreement with everybody on here so far.
I assume she wants to sleep in the same bed with him? They probably want a safe, comfortable place to have sex I'd say.
It is YOUR house. If I had kids, I wouldn't want them bringing people home. Even if it is your daughter's bf, you don't know what he will do - is he trustworthy for a start? Do you know this person very well or not?
There is no way my Mum would have let us do this and she isn't religious in any way.
I just wonder why though your daughter asked you outright. Is it because she trusts you? If so, that is a good thing and something you have common ground with.
I could not have imagined in any way asking my Mum this - she would have been mortified.
Sometimes with kids (I know she's 19 but she's still a kid to me), you just have to put your foot down, and your daughter will just have to learn to deal with the disappointment.
What does your hubby say about it all?
My hubby is in agreement with me. We are both very hurt by her behavior
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
2,249
1,693
113
#10
"Life in two worlds, ( 50's & 60's ) and in the now. Values have changed, and I have learned
to live with the new age. We have a generation, no matter how they were raised, that have
created their own values, which leaves us in a dilemma as to the proper way of coping.
With love we must be stern, and simply demand respect of our values. Rebellion will be expected
to some degree. It shall remain up to each family situation as how it is to be resolved.
We are living in a world never seen before. I have learned to let God's inspiration help guide
my attitude and actions in coping with family, and pray I am doing right.
This life is not meant to be easy."
Let us hope your issues are respectfully resolved for all concerned."
'Praise God'
hope-in-focus - Copy - Copy - Copy (2).jpg
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
13,674
1,910
113
#11
I would question what you are doing. Why are you sending and paying for her to go to a college where she can act like an unsaved person?

Did you send her to college to learn to drink and fornicate?

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2016
3,168
733
113
#12
Need advice. My 19 year old daughter feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend spend the night at our house when she is home from college. We told her absolutely not. She does not share our christian values and says we are living in the 1950's and are ridiculously old fashioned. I tell her we have standards and we will not allow her to violate them. What else can I tell her when She protests and argues with me on this issue? She is totally absorbed in the world and doesn't see a problem with it and keeps persisting. I will not compromise my values
Sometimes when tensions are high, I feel a written letter can help get your thoughts across to the other individual. She is seeing just a list of rules and standards but maybe doesn't understand why those standards are in place. Not only is there Biblical standards but real life consequences to violating those standards.

Or she completely understands the risks and doesn't care. If she doesn't respect your values then she doesn't respect you. And it would be hard for me to financially support or in any way contribute to such behavior.

Sometimes I feel the story of the prodigal son sheds much light on these situations. Once the son was on his own, no money, and far from his father, doing the work of a slave, working just to not starve, living in the consequences of his choices. Only then did he return to the father.

Pray and keep praying for her mind and soul to respond to the Spirit. Love her but never sacrifice your values or contribute to her sins. Trust God and his will. Many of us traveled dark paths until we found the light and now have the testimony to speak to others in those same situations. Make sure she knows how much yall love her but to sacrifice yalls conscious would be extremely hurtful to yall. She just needs to know that yall will always be there like the prodigal sons father willing and ready to love her through her consequences.

Hope this came out with something to help.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#14
Life can be very uncomfortable for second generation Christians.

First generation come to Christ as adults after living without Him.
There is a clear defining moment of before and after Christ. First gens have a
lot to be thankful for and see and know they have been truly saved. They appreciate
life with Christ, after the turmoil of living without Christ.

Second gens, on the other hand are children of Christians, they are raised in a
Christian household and never really know life outside of a Godly household.
They don’t have the same appreciation and don’t have as much to be thankful for.

Sometimes second gen Christians have to go it alone and do their own thing.
Live outside a Godly environment and mess up before they can fully appreciate
just what God has done for them.

Second generation equates to the prodigal son who was raised in an environment of
a loving father, he had to go it alone into the big wide world to see the reality of
living outside of the fathers protection.

Second gen Christians have to discover God for themselves rather than piggy back off
their parents faith. Blessed are those who realise just what Christ has done for them
without going off the rails, but for many they don’t appreciate it until they have
gone the way of the prodigal.


Luke 7:41-48 NLT
[41] Then Jesus told him this story: "A man loaned money to two people-500
pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. [42] But neither of them could
repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you
suppose loved him more after that?"

[43] Simon answered, "I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt."
"That's right," Jesus said. [44] Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon,
"Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer
me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears
and wiped them with her hair.

[45] You didn't greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not
stopped kissing my feet. [46] You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head,
but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.

[47] "I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love." [48] Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven."
 

calibob

Sinner saved by grace
May 29, 2018
7,164
4,830
113
65
lawton ok
#15
Life can be very uncomfortable for second generation Christians.

First generation come to Christ as adults after living without Him.
There is a clear defining moment of before and after Christ. First gens have a
lot to be thankful for and see and know they have been truly saved. They appreciate
life with Christ, after the turmoil of living without Christ.

Second gens, on the other hand are children of Christians, they are raised in a
Christian household and never really know life outside of a Godly household.
They don’t have the same appreciation and don’t have as much to be thankful for.

Sometimes second gen Christians have to go it alone and do their own thing.
Live outside a Godly environment and mess up before they can fully appreciate
just what God has done for them.

Second generation equates to the prodigal son who was raised in an environment of
a loving father, he had to go it alone into the big wide world to see the reality of
living outside of the fathers protection.

Second gen Christians have to discover God for themselves rather than piggy back off
their parents faith. Blessed are those who realise just what Christ has done for them
without going off the rails, but for many they don’t appreciate it until they have
gone the way of the prodigal.


Luke 7:41-48 NLT
[41] Then Jesus told him this story: "A man loaned money to two people-500
pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. [42] But neither of them could
repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you
suppose loved him more after that?"

[43] Simon answered, "I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt."
"That's right," Jesus said. [44] Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon,
"Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer
me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears
and wiped them with her hair.

[45] You didn't greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not
stopped kissing my feet. [46] You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head,
but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.

[47] "I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love." [48] Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven."
Like the prodigal Son. Live and let live, then forgive and forget. Life goes on for a while. Christ's mercy endures forever.
 
T

tasha66

Guest
#16
Sometimes I think the younger generation don't respond to people talking to them about God or Jesus, because of the language they use. The Bible is not easy to understand. Saying things like: 'Yea. you will be saved by the prodigal Son' for example, will not endear you to younger people. I doubt they would even understand those words that are used. Sometimes, it's the language we use when talking to younger people and the WAY we explain things that can make a big difference.
In my job, we are taught not to react in anger - and we get the most acute clients you could imagine who swear, shout & who can become violent. We use a calm voice & non-threatening gestures, & answer all their questions they may have. We take them to a quiet place to sit & talk with them. Reacting in anger is no good for anybody. Our clients more often than not calm down, & then understand why we are saying what we are saying to them.
Although you shouldn't compromise on your principles, perhaps you could use simple language and explain to your daughter how hurt you are by this process. Take her out to a different environment like a coffee shop, where it is a nice, cheerful setting.
I also do sexual health counselling. Perhaps your daughter has been brainwashed by her bf to have sex outside of marriage. I don't know you or your daughter, but maybe your daughter is secretly afraid & is just trying to please her man by taking up his suggestion to stay there, (maybe it was her suggestion to please him). Either way, I'd sit down with her in a casual environment & ask does she understand the consequences of sex outside of marriage, such as STDs/STIs & unwanted pregnancy, plus the psychological damage this can do when you 'aren't ready' for intercourse. Waiting for marriage & being psychologically ready (as much as possible), & armed with all the facts of having intercourse, is the wisest decision.
If you don't feel comfortable doing that, enlist the help of your local nurse or sexual health counsellor, or a trusted Aunt. Kids don't usually open up to their parents, and can sometimes be manipulated by their other halves, so they just do what their gf/bf wants to desperately please them. And kids do not think or know of the consequences of their actions sometimes. Or sometimes they simply don't care.
I've always believed that you have to let kids make their own mistakes, and just guide them as much as you can. Those mistakes can be serious, but you can't change kids minds - hopefully, they will learn from their mistakes - but many in my experience don't. And if you 'mollycoddle' or enable kids too much, they just take advantage of you.
Might be time for her to get her own place methinks!
You could try the above and see how you go.
Hope this helps a wee bit :)
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
4,786
1,884
113
#17
Need advice. My 19 year old daughter feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend spend the night at our house when she is home from college. We told her absolutely not. She does not share our christian values and says we are living in the 1950's and are ridiculously old fashioned. I tell her we have standards and we will not allow her to violate them. What else can I tell her when She protests and argues with me on this issue? She is totally absorbed in the world and doesn't see a problem with it and keeps persisting. I will not compromise my values
Just say hes old enough to find his own accomodation as theres no room at your place. Sorry. Sorry you cant help him. Have a no guests policy. He can find another girlfriend to sponge off. (Harsh I know, but whats he going to do to earn his keep??) doesnt he have his own home or parents to go to?

When my sister wanted to bring her dodgy boyfriend over to stay we were like no and hes not sleeping in the girls bedroom (thats was my bedroom) hes staying in his own room. My sister protested oh you old fashioned to my mum and she just said thats the rules. End of discussion.

Later her heart did get broken when he cheated on her with someone else...men or rather boys like that dont usually say to the girl they stringing along oh by the way am going out with someone else now at the same time as you girl. Instead they lie and then the girl finds out later.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
4,786
1,884
113
#18
You can also say to your daughter were actually living in the 21st century and looking out for you, your the one whos oldfashioned living in the 60s and carrying on like a hippie.

Sorry I just had to say that.
 

Quiettime

Junior Member
Oct 15, 2017
17
27
3
#19
Sometimes when tensions are high, I feel a written letter can help get your thoughts across to the other individual. She is seeing just a list of rules and standards but maybe doesn't understand why those standards are in place. Not only is there Biblical standards but real life consequences to violating those standards.

Or she completely understands the risks and doesn't care. If she doesn't respect your values then she doesn't respect you. And it would be hard for me to financially support or in any way contribute to such behavior.

Sometimes I feel the story of the prodigal son sheds much light on these situations. Once the son was on his own, no money, and far from his father, doing the work of a slave, working just to not starve, living in the consequences of his choices. Only then did he return to the father.

Pray and keep praying for her mind and soul to respond to the Spirit. Love her but never sacrifice your values or contribute to her sins. Trust God and his will. Many of us traveled dark paths until we found the light and now have the testimony to speak to others in those same situations. Make sure she knows how much yall love her but to sacrifice yalls conscious would be extremely hurtful to yall. She just needs to know that yall will always be there like the prodigal sons father willing and ready to love her through her consequences.

Hope this came out with something to help.
Thank you so much
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
29,379
7,869
113
65
Florida
#20
Need advice. My 19 year old daughter feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend spend the night at our house when she is home from college. We told her absolutely not. She does not share our christian values and says we are living in the 1950's and are ridiculously old fashioned. I tell her we have standards and we will not allow her to violate them. What else can I tell her when She protests and argues with me on this issue? She is totally absorbed in the world and doesn't see a problem with it and keeps persisting. I will not compromise my values
I would tell her that if she can't abide by your standards she and her boyfriend can rent a room because they are not going to be staying in your home together overnight. I would not be doing any preaching to her because she is young, rebellious, an not receptive to sound spiritual counsel.